I thought logging off everything would help. But I was wrong. It didn't get to the root of the problem. So I decided to research: why do I crave attention and validation so badly and how can I learn to live happily without it? 

I came across a Reddit post with a reply that said the following: 

"The first step to ridding yourself of those feelings, is to sit down and truly think about who you want to be, what your morals are, how you strive to act. You may look at people or traits you admire and see things you like, or look at people you don't admire to find actions you don't want to replicate. But it's important to have that image of the person you truly, deep down, want to be."

That's when a word suddenly occurred to me: Failure. 

By not having lots of attention on particular stories, I feel like a failure. No, I consider myself a failure. I envy my friends who have popularity. I envy those with opportunity. I envy those earning money. If I am not doing those things, I am a failure. 

I continued researching to see if I could uncover any other underlying misconceptions or maladaptive thoughts. 

The reply above also says:

"[...]people rejecting you, is not a reflection of you. If you act true to who you are or who you want to be, know that nothing anyone says can change that. Maybe someone didn't respond to you, but maybe they had a bad day. Maybe they just don't get along with you. But know that that is okay."

People rejecting my stories is not a reflection of me. I understand it. I can say it. But it's extremely hard to believe. If people don't like my stories, I am worthless. But I shouldn't feel that way. So then, how do I stop feeling that way? What do I think instead?

To think logically, it's that I do my best writing enjoyable books. Some people will like them while others won't.

But then another thought interrupts: Why don't people like them when they like others' books? 

Is it really that I feel unconfident about my stories or just that I feel overly confident? 

If my problem is overconfidence, then I have a hell of a lot else to work on. 

I couldn't really find any other articles that helped. But I did think to myself, maybe the problem is that I'm measuring success by the standards of other people. Or rather, what I think success looks like based on other people who I consider have experienced it. And so, how do I rework what success is so that I can stop feeling like a failure? Measure success in my own terms. Remove myself from triggers. Keep a notepad of affirming thoughts when I start to feel like a failure. 

Measure success in my own terms.

I don't write every day. I don't feel like writing every day. So writing something, whether part of a full chapter is a success. Writing anything is a success. I feel like having someone enjoy my story is also a success, but what if I one day write something that no one enjoys? Isn't that setting myself up to think of myself as a failure again? But I really don't feel like just writing makes me success. I don't just write for myself, otherwise I wouldn't share it. Is that perhaps what I should do? Write and not share it? But, I can't do that because people on Patreon are giving actual money for scheduled content. I just don't feel fulfilled unless someone is enjoying my story. Is that okay? It's similar to not feeling fulfilled in a job that doesn't aid someone. Right? So, it's okay, right? I just have to have the perspective that even one person matters. One person matters. 

Remove myself from triggers.

I want to support my friends, but if they are what trigger me to feel bad, should I remove myself from them? Should I mute all the writers? I feel like that's unfair. It's my problem, not theirs. But at the same time, I don't think affirmations and reminders are enough to keep me from feeling low and comparing. Perhaps instead of permanently leaving, I can take a break until I feel like I am good enough with 1 & 2.

Keep a notepad of affirmations.

I am talented. I am always improving. I am creative. I bring joy to people.

Writing anything is a success. Even one reader matters. I will repeat these lines to myself over and over, any time I feel down about my lack of attention/numbers. I will repeat this to myself before I go to bed at night and in the morning when I wake up. I'll repeat it until I believe it. 

I still really wish I could somehow mute When Best Friends Kiss from my notifications because I can't help but compare my other books to it. I guess the only solution is to not look at my feed at all. And in that case I won't be able to check comments for my WIP at all either. So then how do I know if people are enjoying it? 

I need a schedule.

Once a week, I will check for comments on my WIP by searching my email for Wattpad/looking at my Tapas feed. Once. A. Week. I need to be strict about this. I will continue to keep my writing apps locked as a reminder not to check my feed off schedule. I will NOT look at rankings. If possible, I will block the page. I will lock the apps. I will remind myself Writing is a success in itself. We will appreciate that one reader in due time. 

How do I overcome my insecurities on not making money? 

Stop thinking that I have to make money from writing. Go back to it being a hobby.

And any time I falter, I will come back to reread this and remind myself.