Review #33

Review for Lil-Bird from MaggieFinnegan

Initial Thoughts.

Before I start reading a book (and reviewing it) I like to look at the covers, titles and descriptions, because these are the aspects that really sell a story, they're the first introduction to the characters, the plots and the themes, and it's much more important than some people think!

I really liked the front cover, I enjoyed the black and white theme, and the photo looked good. I would personally think about making the text slightly larger, or bolder, just to make it really stand out a bit more and grab people's attention. Otherwise, I really liked the front cover, it looked professional and like someone had put time and thought into it, which is important as a writer and a reader to know!

I think the description however could have been better. This is a huge selling point for books, so it needs to really hit the mark. I felt like including the protagonist's name would be a good start (from reading further, we don't find this name out until halfway through the Chapter Two, so it was hard to connect with the character when we didn't even know her name!). I felt also like maybe too much was given away - I've read to the end and Kaiden still appears to be just her advisor, and I think it would be a really good reveal if we found our unexpectedly that he was someone different (if he is - I can't wait to read on to find out!). I would definitely include a name, and maybe a bit more details to really hook the reader.

Plotline.

For the plotline, I'm going to give feedback chronologically, rather than thematically, as this is how readers will encounter these aspects of the book (and helpful to know your place if you feel like making any changes!). In Chapter One, and recurring through the other chapters, it would be helpful to have a couple of paragraphs that set the scene for the characters. In the first chapter, we don't know that the girls are in a class until the teacher talks somewhere towards the middle. I felt this same issue later when she arrived at the mansion, a little bit more details would really set the scene and help to ground the characters into their surroundings. I really liked the first chapter, and how it established the personalities of the characters, we learned about Chloe and Charlotte's friendship, and this sets the scene for their relationship and how this could possibly evolve. I was a little bit confused with the party however - this is made out to be the first big event of the bool, and yet we don't experience it happening really, just a conversation with Chloe. For the big deal this is made out to be, I feel like we could have a bit more action happening here.

I think that Charlotte's backstory needs a bit more details. If there were few extra paragraphs included about her relationship with her parents, or an example of their family as a unit, the impact of her losing them subsequently, would be more emotional and hard hitting. I also think that there needs to be more details about why her real parents sent her away in the first place - was this for her to be safe, or to have a normal life etc? Even though we find this out briefly later, I feel like a little bit of explanation from her parents would add to this a lot.

I feel like this is also an issue that recurs quite a bit. When she meets her real parents for the first time, she exchanges one sentence with her mother, and on word with her father! I feel like (especially because we jump two months ahead in the next chapter, when their relationship is much different) that we need some form of bonding, or familiarity to make their relationship believable. It felt a little unrealistic that her parents would be so distant from their child, and that there would not be any further reaction than, 'hello!' From her father. That being said - I LOVED the witty conversation in the next chapter, where she's joking around with her parents, in front of Kaiden. This felt realistic, and a familiar, familial relationship. If other little aspects like this were added in, it would make all of the characters and their feelings much more three dimensional. However, again, I did struggle with names here, with Kaiden and the parents too - the parents have no names, and Kaiden's is only mentioned in the next chapter, during action, which makes the reader confused as to who this mew character is. A one line introduction, or changing, 'mom said' to her name, might make this easier. Maybe have the father call the mother by her name? A subtle way of bringing this in would make these characters much more accessible and real. It might also be helpful to include brief descriptions of these characters - I loved Chloe's and Kaiden's, because it helped to develop the characters, and this could work wonders for the mom and dad, and for Charlotte too!

The final point, was Charlotte's feelings for Kaiden. These seem to pop up quite fast, and maybe if the two had a few more conversations, or a few paragraphs about subtle looks or touches here and there, this might make this new development a little bit less abrupt.

Overall.

Overall, I really liked the plotline behind the work, I love the idea of an unexpected princess and a romance with someone close to her (which is the basis for my book, so we're twins!) And  I think with a few more details, this plotline could be super well developed and extremely effective. You've got a wonderful idea here, with just a few tuned details, it's going to be fab.

Characters development.

I have to say, I personally both loved and a little bit struggled with characters development with your book. There are sides, and I'll discuss the things that I think worked really well, and some things that I think fell down a little. First, the downfalls (so we can end on a high!). I think it would have been helpful, again here, to have a little more details. I really think it would be helpful to know the names of the characters as soon as we meet them, and maybe have a bit of description to really solidly these characters in the reader's mind. We don't know very much about Charlotte's appearance and little to none about her parents, so these characters without real names sometimes lack because of this.

But that was really the only issue I encountered - other than a little ambiguity about the characters themselves, I otherwise completely loved then! I really loved Charlotte's inner monologue, the way she checks things off in her head, and talks away to herself, I think works really well and makes her a really likeable character. It grounds her actions in thoughts and her thoughts in reality and makes her funny, and three dimensional to the readers.

I also really like the relationships between Charlotte and the people around her, especially Chloe. Their friendship feels real, and humorous and the way you write their dialogue and actions really sells that they are close friends, and have been for a long time. This worked really well, and comes down really brilliant writing.

Technical Accuracy.

Technical accuracy was pretty good consistently throughout the story. Spelling was good, for the most part punctuation was exactly where it should have been. I just thought I'd point out a couple of things I noticed, just to be aware of when editing, or moving forward.

Firstly, just be mindful of commas, to make sentences make more sense, and flow better. For example, the sentences make more sense, and flow better. For an example, the sentence, 'Chloe was always at a party, whether it be a school night or the weekend if there's a party she's there.' It's maybe personal preferences, but I always think that sentences should he written down the same way they're spoken, so maybe just be mindful of that (for example, when a person would normally pause, or take a breath, add a comma!).

Secondly, in the first chapter, there are a few odd full stops on a paragraph of their own. Commonly, both Wattpad and published authors use this as a means to pass the time - they will put a full stop on a line to signify a new day, or time period, or situation. This isn't what the full stops are used for once you keep reading, so I was confused as to why they were there. Maybe just remove those to ensure that flow isn't interrupted by people trying to figure out if this is a new conversation or situation.

Spelling was brilliant, there were hardly any instances where I noticed an issue, only one, which needed to be, 'throw a party', instead of 'through a party'. Other than that, it's clear you've paid attention to detail and really cared about your work to make it technically accurate. This is sometimes overlooked in favor of characters or plotline, but technical accuracy is SO important for a story to flow, and ensure that people enjoy reading. You've done really well here, it wasn't a struggle against spelling and grammar, and makes the book really easy to read fluently. This is brilliant, well done.

Overall.

Aside from some little aspects of missing details, I really did enjoy the book. I thought the characters were relatable and funny and the storyline has real potential to be something even more amazing. Some aspects are left to the imagination which works for some readers, but can leave some others feeling lost, so just watch out for that. With some added paragraphs including some details here and there, I think this is a real gem! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, and I really hope that you keep writing, because I think there's a lot of people that would enjoy it just as much as I did.

-Lil-Bird