Heartbeating snow by cjoavg

~~~

"The films are still the same," he said.

His voice, that of the guy behind the box office, was brusque, and Xin could see the reproach in his black eyes.

"I just need to distract myself for a while and... think," he answered as his head spun and he fought the sensation, even if it wasn't completely true, of nausea. 

Xin knew from the moment he woke up that morning that leaving his house was not a good idea. He still hadn't finished recovering from the accident and, if that wasn't bad enough, the weather report had predicted rain the night before. Still he went out.

"At the cinema?" mumbled the box office guy as he moved his fingers over the computer keyboard, without looking directly at it.

Despite the tone in which he spoke, he extended one of his hands in Xin's direction to hand over his ticket.

"What is this?"

"Your ticket."

"But I didn't tell you what film I wanted to see," Xin protested, trying to sound serious. His voice didn't obey and broke at the end of the sentence.

"Whatever," said the cinema guy with a shrug. "It's the only film we have right now."

Xin did not hear what he said. At that moment, his mind was lost in a blurred memory that made him dizzy to the point of losing his balance...

It was the memory of his father's sharp face transfigured with anger as he shouted at him: "Never think you have options, Xin. Choices are just life's traps to waste your time and lose your course. I am your father and I know what is best for you!"

"Are you all right?" asked the guy who gave him the ticket worriedly.

His hands had gripped Xin's arm to keep him from falling. Xin blinked rapidly as he regained strength in his legs. The guy's black eyes were fixed on his face; he looked very worried.

"You don't look well today," he continued. "I think you should go home."

Xin shook his head slowly.

"I'm fine," he lied, "I just need to sit down and... I've already bought my ticket," he said, holding up the paper in front of their eyes.

He gave a half-smile as he did so.

"Technically, you haven't paid yet," the cinema guy replied, also with an awkward smile on his lips.

"Even better," Xin nodded. "I can't waste the opportunity, can I?"

"I guess..."

The box office' guy watched as Xin walked away in the direction of the candy bar and bought the same thing he had bought every night for at least two years when they had first met.

Before he walked through the door of the cinema, their black eyes met again, and the two understood each other without the need for words, using only the silent language of those who share a deep degree of intimacy.

The film was the least of it. Before long, Xin fell asleep, and the nightmares didn't miss their chance to appear once again...

「 心 」

"So, you're not going to open the folder?" his father asked in an authoritative voice. "Open the folder, Xin."

It was not a request, but an order.

Xin didn't react instantly, he took his time. He wanted to make the decision for himself; he didn't want to rush to obey under pressure, or feel imprisoned by other people's intimidation tactics.

"No need," he said, putting the folder down on the dashboard of his father's car.

"I guess you've got it figured out then," the man commented complacently without taking his eyes off the road.

"Yes," Xin admitted resolutely; he was clenching his fists to stop his body from shaking.

"You had been long overdue since the last time we met. I confess I was a little worried about you. So, do you want me to talk to Wei's parents? Are you going to stay or go abroad?"

"I'm going to stay in Hong Kong."

"Well, a very wise decision. Your mother will be very happy to have you around. Tell me when you see fit to discuss the wedding. We also need to talk about your professional future..."

"I'm going to study music at the Conservatory of Art," he said, clenching his jaw.

Immediately his father, the man behind the wheel's face, transformed from pride to anger:

"Are you going to continue with the same nonsense?!" he shouted. "I thought I made it clear! Never think you have options, Xin. Choices are just life's traps to waste your time and lose your course. I'm your father and I know what's best for you! Tell me, how do you plan to support your wife on the wages of a woman's job?!"

Xin couldn't take it anymore and simply exploded:

"I'm not going to have a wife because I like men! Is it so hard for you to understand that?!" Xin shouted in his face without any qualms whatsoever.

In that instant he could see how disappointment and surprise danced on the face of his father who had stopped paying attention to the street and was now staring at him with his mouth open.

"You, you don't..."

But that was the last thing Xin heard come out of his father's mouth before the roar of a truck horn startled them.

The next thing Xin could remember was seeing his father screaming in terror as he tried to dodge the truck before losing control of the steering wheel, then careening off the street down the side of the road towards the ravine.

Before fainting from the pain, Xin's eyes saw his father crying, his chest crushed and his face covered in blood, and the golden eyes of a silhouette watching them in the distance, doing nothing but humming a sinister melody.

「 心 」

"Xin, wake up... Xin..."

Xin felt someone call out to him and gently shake him by one of his shoulders to wake him up.

"Is the movie over already?" he asked sleepily as his head struggled to let go of the memory.

"You're crying again."

The black-eyed guy looked at him with concern. Xin looked in all directions to check that there was no one watching them, wiping his tears slyly; indeed, the room was empty. The credits and music were still on the screen.

"It's nothing," he said, trying to settle into his seat.

The guy, the same one from the box office, sat down next to him.

"Are you still having nightmares about the accident?"

"Dishi, are we seriously going to waste time talking about that?" protested Xin in frustration.

Dishi took advantage of the fact that they were now facing each other to grab him by the cheeks and press a kiss to his lips. It was an awkward kiss at first. Salty from the tears, and bitter from the fear of being discovered. But it took only those few seconds for the two of them to lose themselves in the frenzy.

"Feeling better?" he asked once their lips parted as he stroked Xin's cheeks with his thumbs.

Xin nodded amidst a sigh.

"Much better," he admitted, and smiled for the first time that day.

"You shouldn't be here. You should be at home getting some rest."

"It's good to see you too."

"Don't be unfair," the cinema guy protested with pain and sorrow in his eyes.

Xin hastened to apologise:

"Sorry," he said, avoiding Dishi's gaze, who didn't let him and kissed Xin once again.

"You know that day I thought I would lose you forever," he said in his ear as he hugged him.

"Me too," Xin murmured, clinging even tighter to Dishi's slender arms before crying again. "Me too," he said again, and the cinema screen went black.

It felt good now that he was with Dishi, but he was also afraid. Soon he would have to walk away from him and his arms to return alone to his house, full of nightmares and memories, like every day since the accident.