"She was smart, and beautiful," my father whispers. "Much like you." At the moment we both are in my room, my father sitting at my desk, and I on my bed.

"Ada, I want to visit her grave," I say, sadly. "I want to see Rivendell." He sighs, coming over to me,"I know, Ien Nin. But it is dangerous. I wish for you to stay here. Where it's safe."

"Yes, Ada," I say. "I will stay." He nods,"thank you." He places a small kiss on my forehead, before excusing himself from my room. After he leaves, I take a book out from under my pillow. It's leather bound and looks like it could be any other book, but I know what lies inside it.

A connection to my mother.

I open it, the yellowing pages crinkling in my hand. A fancy script crawls across the page, transitioning from Elvish to Common Tongue and back to Elvish. On some of the pages there is small drops of blood, and I always wonder what caused them. I go to my spot in the diary, passing nearly three years worth of entries. This one is specifically in Common Tongue, not transitioning to Elvish anywhere.

Last night we made love. I was terrified that I would have one of my attacks during it, because that would have most likely scared him away. I do not understand, though. He asked me to promise to not give up on life, but I could not bring myself to promise him. I could not, and it scared me, it scares me still.

I have a will to live, I swear I do, but it is not very strong anymore. It has not been strong since they died. Since Naneth left. Since Fílí died. I'm nothing. An empty shell.

I'm filth.

I realize I am crying. That is the first thing I feel.

"Naneth. . ." I whisper, wiping my face. "I am so sorry."

"Pelleas, I do not know what to do," I whisper, looking over at my friend. His dark eyes are gentle, as he takes me hand.

"You will always know what to do, Ali," Pelleas says, taking my face in his hands. There's a gentle peck on my forehead, as he pulls me onto his lap.

"I'm afraid," I tell him, laying my head on his chest.

"Why?" he asks. I squeeze my eyes shut,"I see things. I hallucinate." Pelleas' arms tighten around me in a reassuring way.

"Alida. . ." he whispers. "Don't be afraid. Talk to your father. He should know what to do."

"I can't," I tell him. "He's so closed off anymore. It's hard to talk to him." There's a deep sigh. One I can hear in his chest, as he stands up.

"Where are you going?" I ask. Pelleas sets me down, before he speaks,"I'm needed." He points out my window. "It's that time again." I look outside, and see the sun, just barely visible through the trees.

"You'll be back tonight, though?" I ask, but it's more of a whisper.

"I promise," he tells me. "Remember: keep your chin up. Things will be better." I watch him leave my room, before I sit back down and start to cry.

It's now late at night. A small candle is lit in the corner of my room, offering some light to the darkness. Everything sounds muffled. My breath, the shuffle of my nightgown against my sheets, everything.

Suddenly, I feel a hand on my outer thigh, making me shoot up in fear.

"It's just me," a voice whispers. Pelleas. His body heat slides into bed with me, making me feel safe.

"You smell good," I tell him, as I stroke his damp hair.

"Because I had to bathe," he chuckles, kissing the top of my head. "Thranduil had me clean the horse stalls." I give a small giggle,"then I'm glad you did bathe. You would have smelled like horse crap."

Behind me, I feel Pelleas' body twist around and pick me up. We change positions, until his body is over mine, with my hands locked above my head.

"You need a bath, too, little princess," Pelleas whispers in my ear. "Do you want me to give you one?"

"I'm not ready, yet," I tell him, knowing exactly what he meant. "I'm not ready." My body is heated up everywhere, it knows what it wants, but I know I don't want what it wants.

"Sorry," Pelleas whispers, sitting up with me against his chest.

"Don't be sorry, Pelleas," I say. "Don't be sorry." I press my ear against his chest, listening to his heart beat.

"Do you want to see Arya tomorrow?" he asks, suddenly. I glance up at him, then nod,"yes. I love seeing Arya."

"She calls you 'Naneth'," Pelleas mumbles.

"Does she call you 'Ada'?" I interrogate. He nods, chuckling,"yes, she does." I look down, feeling my heart stop. I love Arya. I truly do. I love Pelleas' little sister, she's so beautiful. Inside and out. But if she calls me 'Naneth' and Pelleas 'Ada' in front of my father, that could end bad for all three of us.

"Is something wrong?" Pelleas asks me.

"No," I lie. "Nothing is wrong."

"Alright," he mumbles. "Sleep. I will stay with you until morning." I nod, closing my eyes. Pelleas' presence is comforting as I fall into the arms of sleep.