Apologies

"I'm not very good at putting my feelings into words, that's why people misunderstand me"
                                             -Haruki Murakami

• Nala •

I woke up to an empty bed, as expected
I sat up slightly, wiping my eyes as they stung from last nights tears as I peaked into the bathroom
The floor was bare, no pillow, no blanket... no Finn...

I sat up a bit more, my head catching up with me as I wondered where he'd gone
Until the door clicked open and I saw Finn holding a tray of food
Casual black trousers on, loose white top, suspenders hanging by his side and a hesitant smile on his face as he neared the bed.

"Morning" he mumbled, placing the tray in front of me
"Uh- morning... what is this?" I asked confused
"I realised I might have... fucked up last night" he said unsurely, glancing at the bathroom
"Might have?" I questioned, he rubbed the back of his neck in that adorable awkward way he does.

"Yeah, I don't really remember anything, but you look like you've been crying, and I woke up on the bathroom floor so..." he trailed off, looking down in guilt
"You didn't do any thing... you just, you promised you wouldn't do cocaine Finn" I sighed.

"I know" he mumbled
"I'm sorry" he apologised, climbing over me and hugging me as I got thrown back down on the bed
I couldn't help but laugh as he cuddled into me like a little kid
"Forgive me?" He mumbled against my hair.

I sighed
"I forgive you" I said, he sighed in relief, pulling me in closer
"Do you... remember anything from last night?" I asked hesitantly
He looked down at me and frowned, shaking his head. So he didn't remember the kiss...

"Oh" I said
"Oh god, what did I do?" He asked, putting his head in his hands as he sat back up, red dusting his cheeks adorably, making me smile. Why was he so handsome?

"Nothing... nothing you just- you..."
"What?" He asked softly, and very worried
"You-"
"Morning ladies and gents" Isaiah grumbled as he threw the door open, crashing onto the bed beside us, still in his suit.

"You look like shit" Finn chuckled, side glancing Isaiah as he lay with his eyes closed
"Mm you don't exactly look too good yourself princess" he threw back, causing a frown to appear on Finn's cute face.

"So... why you still dressed?" I asked Isaiah, watching as he peeked an eye open at me, smirking
"Why? You want me undressed Nal?" He teased, undoing his buttons
"No" I said immediately, he stopped as he let out a loud laugh
"I meant why are you still in your suit?" I clarified.

"Well I woke up next to some blonde chick, I tried to let her down easy and she didn't take too kindly to it, started throwing shit at me, so I got dressed and left" he shrugged
"You dickhead" Finn grumbled, laying back down with his head against my chest as I ran my hand through his hair.

"Mm, and how was your night?" Isaiah smirked as he looked over at us, pulling himself up to rest on his elbows
"Horrible" I groaned, leaning my head back against the headboard.

He chuckled
"Ah were you that bad Finn? I know the first time ain't exactly all roses bu-"
"Fuck off" Finn snapped, winding his arms under my body to hug me as he kept his eyes closed
It was moments like these that made me question his feelings, friends don't do... this.

But then again he's never shown any signs of liking me like that, last night was a one off. He was pissed and off his head on coke.

"Alright alright, what happened?" He asked
"Well after staggering up here, falling over himself and throwing up... Finn ever so graciously passed out on the bathroom floor" I mused casually
Finn groaned against me, clearly hating hearing what he did.

I wonder what he'd do if I said he'd kissed me... would he complain?
"Right. Well... let's get breakfast before I die" Isaiah groaned
"I've already got mine" I taunted, pulling the tray Finn brought me closer as I began to eat some toast.

"No fair" he groaned, laying next to us and taking my tray
"Oi, I put hard work into that" Finn groaned, his head shooting up to glare at Isaiah.
Who ignored him as he shoved my breakfast in his mouth.

•

"I hate this" I groaned, dropping my bags in my room
"What do you mean?" Finn laughed
"Tommy's house had double beds" I sighed
"I have a double bed" he chuckled
"Yeah well I don't" I whined. I hated living in the spare room here.

After Mariana fucked off to London I was left in the house on my own, and even though she was paying the rent for me I didn't like living on my own, so I moved in here.

"Just ask Mar for a bigger bed then, she'll buy you it no trouble" he laughed, coming in from his own room dressed up in a suit
"No... there's barely any room in here as it is, a double bed will leave me with fuck all" I grumbled, grabbing some clothes from the dresser.

"I'll be back by 5" he said, before kissing my forehead and pulling his peaky cap on
"Okay" I smiled, watching him leave down the stairs
I sighed, getting ready for work
The wedding was two days ago, we had spent all day lounging around Tommy's house yesterday, well I spent all day thinking about that kiss we had.

It was so quick, but I couldn't stop reliving it in my head. It made me feel giddy inside... as well as completely and utterly distraught as I thought of how much he didn't like me like that.

•

After a tiring day in the betting den, and having Polly nag my ear off about how stupid Tommy was being, I finally got to go home. I had no clue what he had done this time but everything that man did was stupid in a sense.

Before going through to the house I popped down the road to the garrison, to find Lola and Daisy sat together
"Hey" I said as I quickly sat down
"Hey, how was the rest of the wedding party?" Lola asked
"Good, um- something happened though, at the reception" I began, they nodded, waiting.

"Well um, that night, Finn came back and-"
"Oh my god you didn't!" Daisy gasped, her dark hair flailing about as she leant forward excitedly
"No Daisy Jesus... not that we just... he- he kissed me" I told them.

"Is that it?" Daisy asked disappointed
"What do you mean is that it? That's huge" Lola gasped, blue eyes wide
"He doesn't remember it though, he was off his face on snow" I sighed sadly.

"Did you tell him?" Daisy asked
I shook my head, taking a swig of her drink
"Then why the fuck you moping? Go round there, tell him what happened and shag the poor lad" she said with finality
"Will you shut up? Jesus you need a muzzle" Lola groaned, Daisy just shrugged.

"Why don't you tell him though? He might feel the same if he kissed you" Lola tried convincing me
"No, he was out of it, he didn't mean it" I knew he didn't.

I sighed, glancing at the clock
"I gotta go, Pols doing dinner" I mumbled, getting up
"Fuck off you're just going cause Finn'll be home" Daisy laughed, I scowled at her, leaving to get back home.

•

"I'm home" I called through to Pol
"Kitchen" she called back
"What you attempting to make this time?" I asked
"Never mind you, get upstairs and get that lad up, fuck knows what he's doing but he's been up there ages now" she grumbled.

I nodded, bounding up the stairs to get Finn
I opened his bedroom door, only to be stuck in the spot at the sight before me
Finn was in the bathtub to the side of his room... touching himself
Wha- what do I do?
Do I leave without saying anything?

"Nala" he moaned, his eyes still closed, but the mere word sent a jolt through me as I dropped my house keys
His eyes shot open and he looked at me, his body stiffening into a sitting position as the water splashed around him.

"I- sorry" I mumbled quickly, leaving my position from the doorway to rush down the stairs
"Nala" he shouted after me, I didn't listen, I grabbed my coat and quickly pulled it on, I was beyond embarrassed that I had walked in on... that.

I heard footsteps before Pol appeared in the hallway
"Where are you going?" She asked incredulously
"Out, not hungry sorry" I rushed out, opening the front door.

"Nala" Finn tried again, rushing down the stairs in nothing but a pair of trousers, water still dripping down himself
I paused for a moment, before clearing my throat and mumbling a small bye before he could reach me.

• Finn •

I sighed as I watched the front door close.

"What the fuck was that all about?... I only sent her up to get you" Polly said, clearly confused
"Nothing" I said quickly, running back up the stairs
"It's dinner in a minute" she shouted after me, I rushed into my room and closed the door, sitting on my bed.

Did that actually just happen? Did she... oh my fucking god
I can never be around her again
She walked in on... that... and I said her fucking name.

I groaned, my head in my hands. I was absolutely fucked
She's never speaking to me again. I was supposed to be her best friend and I was thinking of her like that. Fuck.
Fuck my life.

•

"You what?" Isaiah laughed
"You heard me. Don't make me say it again" I sighed, my forehead falling against the brick wall of the canal as we stood underneath the bridge
Nala didn't come back last night, and when I waited around for her at work this morning I was pulled away by Tommy before she came in.

Isaiah's laughter only intensified as he made fun of my fucked up situation
"You... oh my god this is fucking gold, she walked in on you wanking" he laughed
"Isaiah" I groaned
"And you moaned her name" he was now crying with laughter as he sat down on the bench, holding his stomach.

"Oh it hurts" he laughed
"Fuck off, I wouldn't have told ya if I knew you'd take the piss" I grumbled
"Oh you knew I'd take the piss" he said, his laughter slowly dying down as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

"Will you just help me?" I asked exhausted
"With what? You want me to teach you the birds and the bees?" He asked innocently, like I was a child
"Isaiah" I warned, he held his hands up in surrender
"She won't talk to me. Well I haven't actually seen her but I know she's avoiding me" I sighed, sitting next to him on the bench.

"Why's she avoiding ya, if that don't show her you like her I don't know what does" he laughed
"What you tell all girls you like them by..."
"By what? Wanking in the bath" he laughed
"Oh fuck off" I groaned, putting my head in my hands.

He patted my back with a chuckle
"Calm down, she likes you too so just chill out" he said casually, leaning back
"She doesn't like me, she's never done anything to tell me she does, why would she? Look at me" I sighed
"Mm, I know" he agreed
"Oh thanks"

"Well what do you want me to say? You're not exactly gods gift... and she's fucking fit" he thought out loud
I looked at him
"What?" He asked
"Dickhead" I mumbled, standing up and walking away from him.

"What?" He asked again, following after me.

•

"He was what?" Lola asked
Daisy was still laughing, she'd even fell off the bed she was laughing so much
"Yeah" I said from my seat in the window, still trying to wrap my head around what the fuck happened
When I left last night I went back to the pub and got shit faced.

The girls kept asking what was wrong but I wouldn't tell them, and then I passed out on the way home
"Oh my Jesus, Mary and Joseph" Lola said, covering her mouth with her hands
"Oh my god" Daisy laughed, rolling on the floor.

"I mean, at least you know he likes you though" Lola tried to comfort
"No I don't, he said my name. Once. That's doesn't mean he likes me, he was just... taking care of himself" I said awkwardly
"Exactly, least you know he's attracted to you" Daisy replied, leaning against the side of the bed.

"But that doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean he likes me the way I like him. The way he makes my heart flutter when he looks at me with that cheeky smile and those fucking eyes... not to mention his freckles" I sighed.

"Then fuck him" Daisy said seriously
"What?" I asked
"Fuck him, if he can't man up and tell you he likes you then fuck him, there's plenty of lads round here that'll happily have ya" she said with determination
"I don't want someone to 'have me'... I want Finn" I said sadly, leaning my chin on my hands.

Daisy groaned
"Then stop avoiding him" she said in a sing song voice
"Will you fuck off and let me mope?" I grumbled, laying down in the window seat
"Lola" I drawled out
"Can I stay here again tonight?" I asked, she nodded.

"Course, and that can go back to her own house" she said, lightly nudging Daisy in the back of the head with her foot
"Piss off, if she's staying I'm staying" Daisy said with finality, crossing her arms.

I didn't know what to do, do I keep avoiding him? Or do I brush it off and just ask if we can move on and be friends again?
Or do I completely and utterly pour my heart out and pray that he feels the same?

Fuck sake. Damn those perfect eyes... and perfect smile. Damn it to hell.

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