Frankie Xiao 

"River! Oh fuck! I'm sorry! I-I didn't mean to--" Amberley jumps to her feet, shoving away from me as River storms across the room to collect me from the floor.. He lifts me up and pushes me protectively behind him before he leans down and scoops up the baby.. 

"Save it, Amby.. I'm fuckin' done." He snarls.. "Lilly, we're leavin'."  He moves around like a prowling wildcat and mutters beneath his breath collecting Lovey's items.. "I knew ye' were gonna find a way to fuck this up.. So fuckin' impusive-- don'ae give a fuck about anybody but ye'self.."

Amberley claws at her champagne curls in manic panic.. "Oh god.. No, please.. River, I didn't think-- Please don't go--"

"Fuck you." He whispers the words, carefully so as not to upset the children, but the fury and betrayal in his gravelly growl burns in the air.. "I can'ae believe I fell for this shite again.. Firstly usin' Lovey to get to me and now Lilly.. Yer' sick in the head! Psychotic!"

He lofts the baby bag up to his shoulder, taking me by the arm and turning to leave when I grab hold of his hand to pry myself free.. "No.. River--wait--" 

He freezes in place when I speak, but refuses to look at me.. "Why should I? This is what she does.. I told ye' she can'ae be trusted!" 

"It's not all her fault.." I argue with guilt caught in my throat.. I had been the one to hug Amberley, maybe I had confused her.. Maybe she thought something else was happening.. 

Maybe this is all my fault.. 

"O'Aye? So this was yer' idea was it?" He scoffs as if he doesn't believe me.. "Ye’ wanted to kiss her did'ya?!" 

"No.. But--" 

Amberley steps up beside me.. "It wasn't Lilly, River.. It was me.. I just-- she was so-- I-- fuck!"

Pure anguish pours from the Tiger, his emerald eyes dark and devoid of the humanity that would usually shine through them as he turns back around to face her.. "She's what? Another opportunity for ye' to punish me? To create chaos? Shite, Amby.. Why do ye' do this? What the fuck did I do to make ye' hate me so fuckin' much!? Why are ye' so hell bent on seein' me lose my shite!?" 

Amberley warblers in a weak attempt to defend herself.. "River! I--I didn't mean to hurt you--" 

"Agh, ye' lyin' bitch!" River spits with a hateful tongue and I detest the sound.. I have never seen him so riled up, his shoulders heave and his teeth grind.. 

The babies both begin to cry and intense flame flickers to life inside me at the distressed sounds of their tears.. 

I become frustrated and infuriated by the childish back and forth way these two people, who obviously care about each other, are communicating.. River, enraged to his primal state of rage and Amberley a pathetic mess of self pity and excuses that make no sense.. 

I can't stand it any longer.. I refuse to accept either of their terrible attitudes.. 

"STOP THIS, RIGHT NOW!" I shout over the top of them both and they fall silent as Lexi appears in the kitchen doorway to watch the dramatic scene unfold.. "Both of you shut the fuck up and sit down!"

I have never spoken so directly and something about it feels right.. I am more in control of myself than either of them in this moment, which means they should listen.. Really listen.. To me, as well as each other.. 

River swallows his anger to obey me and Amberley takes a startled step back as I point them both to the sofa.. I lean down to pick up baby Connor who sniffles, startled and upset by the commotion, balancing him on my hip I coo quietly to calm him down.. "Ohh, I'm sorry, baby boy.. You're okay.."

Connor soon settles to my soothing and his distracted little hands work at trying to reach down into my shirt, seeking his next meal which certainly won't be coming from me.. 

I take a long, scolding look at the pair now sitting two feet apart on the sofa, both of them wearing grumpy expressions, annoyed and a bit guilty.. Refusing to look at each other.. 

"Now.. We are all going to behave calmly and we are going to do better.. Yes?" I look between them, sulking and withholding their words, but I refuse to accept their silence and draw myself up to stand as tall as I can muster to insist on their cooperation.. "I said--Yes?" 

"Aye.." River breaks first, reluctantly agreeing before I turn my impatient stare to Amberley.. 

"Yes! Fine!" She huffs.. "Whatever.."

"Good.. This nonsense ends today.." I take a seat opposite them and start to untangle the mess they have made, because if they won't do it, I will.. "So.. Who would like to speak first?"

Amberley raises her hand and I nod at her to say her piece.. "I guess-- I shouldn't have kissed you, Lilly.."

"Why did you?" I ask gently, curbing my judgments to allow her to explain herself.. 

Her wary gaze flicks around the room, first to Lexi and then to The Tiger beside her.. "I don't know--" 

"Bullshite.." River scoffs and I glare at him.. 

"Wait your turn, Tiger." I hold up a hand to warn him and he sighs in defeat, unwilling to argue with me.. He is smarter than to take on two battles at once, though he will be in trouble when we get home, whether he realises it or not.. "Amberley, please.. I would like to know.. Why did you kiss me?" 

She picks distractedly at the arm-rest of the sofa and doesn't look at me.. "Maybe I did it to see what you would do.. You were being so nice and-- I wanted to see how you would react.. I thought maybe you'd get angry… Or maybe I thought you'd like me more.. Maybe I did want to hurt River.. I just felt like it.. I wanted to, so I did.. Shit.. I don't fucking know why I do what I do!" 

I can barely make sense of her strange logic, and looking at her I doubt she understands it herself.. Something that she must work on if we are all going to get along.. "I am not upset, but you can't just do whatever you want, this is not a game.. I have feelings and so does River.. Besides, you really can't know how others will react.. You can't control these things.. You could have talked to us, rather than test us.." 

The Tiger mumbles beneath his breath.. "Un-feckin'-believable.."

I turn to him now, giving him my attention and urging him to add something productive, relying on him to be the bigger person and to help me make sense of their twisted connections.. "River, how does this make you feel?" 

His back teeth grind harder and his jaw twitches.. "I'm pissed off.."

"And?" I press him to move beyond his immediate reaction.. 

His glowing green eyes glower at me with envy.. "And jealous.."

"Oh.." It's probably terrible of me to enjoy his jealousy, but I do.. I can feel it, heating me in inappropriate ways and satisfying the fears in me that he might prefer Amberley more than me.. "What else?" 

River takes a few slow and calming breaths, resetting himself to face the situation.. "Hurt.. Is that what ye' want to hear?" He casts a savage glare to the miserable woman beside him.. "Ye' hurt me, Amberley.. Are ye' fuckin' happy now?" 

"No.." Amberley blinks back her tears.. I can't tell if they are real tears or not.. But part of me hopes they are.. Not because I want her to cry.. Only that I want her to feel something inside, to have remorse and to learn from her bad behaviour..

A curiously amused Lexi crosses to sit beside me and I smile tiredly at her, apologetically passing Connor back to his mother who beams balck at me with an encouraging nod to continue.. 

So I do.. 
"Okay.. Now, Amberley, how do you feel?" 

She shifts uncomfortably and speaks softly, like she'd rather collapse into herself than confess her emotions.. "Embarrassed.."

"And?" I push her in the same way I had The Tiger, relentless and urgent to open her heart.. 

"This is so fucking stupid.." She groans and returns to picking at the sofa.. "I feel ashamed, okay?! It was a bitch move.. River is right.. I'm an asshole.."

The Tiger hums in bitter amusement.. "No shit.."

"Do you want to know what I think?" I glance between them, not waiting for their answer because I am going to tell them, whether they want to hear it or not.. "I think Amberley is afraid for Lovey, and kissing me was an escape.. You knew River would be upset and we would leave.. You wanted him to start a fight.."

Amberley chews her bottom lip.. "Maybe.."

I sigh in satisfaction.. Finally, we are getting somewhere.. "Okay.. So, how do we fix it?" 

This time, it is River who speaks first.. "Ha! I doubt we can.. She doesn'ae wanna fix it.. "

"That is not helping, Tiger.." I hum patiently, not letting him create another fight to avoid the words that must be said and ruin all the effort I am making.. 

He snaps his mouth shut once again and allows Amberley to talk.. "I do want to fix it, River.. I do.. It's just.. Seeing you with her--" She points a long pink painted fingernail at me.. "How do you think that makes me feel? It hurts me too, you know?" 

He shakes his head.. "I ain't ye' property Amby.. Ye' left me, what was I s'pozed to do? Sit around waitin' for ye'? I did that for six months.. And before that ye' were runnin' about the street smokin' the pipe.. That shite broke me! Our daughter is lucky ye' did'nae kill her!" 

Amberley wipes her watery eyes on her sleeve.. "I didn't know what I meant to you.. I thought I was just a transaction.. That's all I've ever been my whole life.. I couldn't see how much you cared.. I'm-- I'm really sorry--"

He grunts, gaining control of his anger and becoming passive in an empty, emotionless way.. "Aye? Well.. I wish ye' didn'ae feel like that, Amby, but ye' apologies mean nothin' now.. I just can'ae believe anythin' ye' say.."

I stand up, crossing to sit between them.. "See? You both care and in your hearts there is room to forgive.."

Amberley laughs dryly.. "Jesus Christ, you're like a cartoon lamb in an after school special!" 

I puzzle.. "I don't know what that means.." 

"She's sayin' that yer' naive.." River clarifies with a dark, moody accusation.. 

"No, I'm not!" She protests.. "I'm just-- I'm not used to this kind of sappy 'share your feelings' kinda stuff.. It makes me uncomfortable.. And It feels like bullshit"

"Life is full of things that make us uncomfortable, Amberley, that doesn't mean it is a lie.." I smile at her hopefully, wishing she could see that she isn't the only one she hurts by pushing everybody away.. She is punishing herself and it needs to stop.. She needs River.. She needs Lovey.. And admitting that would be a relief.. 

Lexi half hums and half chuckles from the other side of the living room where she sits in quiet observation.. "Oh, she's damn good! Therapy is in session kids!"

I don't quite catch the meaning to her joke, but I am happy to have her ease the tension in the room so I nod to her, glad at least one person here is in agreement with me.. "What we need to do is find a way to be kind.. To each other and ourselves.. River, what could Amberley do to earn your trust?" 

He considers.. "I want her to go to rehab.. If she got clean, that'd be a start.."

"Amberley? What could River do to earn your trust?" 

She leans back.. "Nothing.. I already trust him..   I just can't trust myself.."

He turns to finally acknowledge her.. To see her properly, the empathy returning to his eyes.. "Ye' need to get help, Amby.. Please.. Before ye' break us for good.. 'Cause I don'ae have much left in me to give.."

She mumbles unhappily.. "No, you're giving everything you've got to Lilly now, aren't you?"

River huffs.. "That's not fair, after everythin' I've done for ye', ye' don'ae get to play the victim here.. I love Lilly, alrite', and ye' can be pissy and jealous, whatever.. But it does'nae mean I don't care about ye'.. So what'd'ya expect me to do?" 

Amberley shrugs.. "I'm scared, Riv, now you have her, you'll never need me.. Lovey doesn't need me.. Nobody does.."

My heart aches with compassion.. "Amberley, I could never be what you are to Lovey.. You are irreplaceable.. You are more special than you know.. Can you see that River wishes you would know this for yourself? That is why he wants you to get help.."

She nods slowly.. "That makes sense, I guess.."

Lexi leans forward to offer a suggestion.. "The free NA treatment center where I used to volunteer has some decent therapists, Amberley, I could refer you--" 

River sighs.. "Ney.. Listen, Amby, I don'ae want ye' strugglin' to be seen at some downtown walk-in clinic.. I'll pay for ye' to go somewhere where they can take care o'ye' properly--" 

"You can't afford that.." Amberley sniffles.. 

"I can take on extra contracts, it's not a big deal.. But ye' gotta make an effort.. Don't put me through this if ye' don'ae mean to do the work that needs to be done.."

Amberley nods.. "I promise, I will get better.. I want to get better, Riv.."

"Alrite' then.." He grumbles with wary caution.. 

I take River's hand in reward, bringing his knuckles to my lips to kiss them ever so softly.. "That is a great kindness, my sweetheart.. Thank you.."

He looks at me.. "I'm so sorry I lost my temper with ye', baby.. I should'nae have spoken to ye' that way.. I'll make it up to ye', I swear.."

I pet his hand in mine, my heart full of forgiveness and an overflowing happiness.. "It's okay.. We were all upset.. But look now.. Look at how we fit together.." I reach across to take Amberley's hand too, as if I were the thread holding them together.. "If we all remember to be kind, we can forgive each other and our mistakes.."

Amberley squeezes my hand.. "Thank you, Lilly, you're a good person.. River deserves that.. I'm sorry I tried to fuck it up.."

Lexi grins, rising to her feet with Connor on her hip.. "Well, that was better than an episode of Dr Love! Now how about that tea!"