Frankie Xiao

When I hear the metallic scrape of a key fitting into the front door, I leap to my feet like a bolt of lightning.. Scrambling to stuff River's Biography back beneath the sofa.. I know he must have put it there on purpose.. Which means I am probably not supposed to be reading it..
But I just have to! I want to know how every last detail of his heroics.. Even if he doesn't want me to.

I stand in the middle of the room, flushed in the face and trying not to look guilty as I pick at the sleeve of my crimson red sweater dress..

River lumbers in, kicking off his sneakers by the door and looking around to check that everything is in place.. His searching gaze tenderizes in relief when he spies Lovey, blissfully sucking her binky and twiddling with the hanging mobile above her cot in mesmerised delight..

He drops a stack of blue folders on the coffee table.. "Well.. Ye' didn'ae burn the place down, so I assume ye ' had no problems.. Here, Lilly.. This is for you." He turns to grin at me as he hands me a small pink box which I reflexively accept..

Lifting his hoodie up over his head, his shirt gets tangled up inside and the flash of his creamy, well toned muscle makes my mouth dry and my palms clammy..

"For me?" I stare at him slack jawed as he fixes his T-shirt back into place, brushing his hand back through his hair..

"Aye.. I thought you might like it.." With his attention divided he talks to me as he leans over the cot, reaching down to tickle Lovey' s tummy and a sunny giggle bubbles from her babbling mouth..

"Ba-ba-bab! Ba!"

"Hiya princess.." He croons to the babe as he plays with her tiny tootsies.. "Daddy missed you.. He did.. Uh-huh!"

I peel back the lid on the delicate paper box to see a cute pink cupcake, topped with fluffy frosting and pink sprinkles, it smells of sweet almond and vanilla.. Delicious and adorable..

"Cake?" I examine it with a disconcerted eye..

He chuckles, making what I hope is a joke.. "Aye, cake.. I didn't poison it--if that's what you're thinkin'.."

"No.. But.." I puzzle so hard my brain hurts.. What does this mean? I had thought River was so different from Master Li, but maybe he isn't at all.. "Master, I don't understand--"

He turns to look up at me.. "Whoa! Hey-- What's wrong?"

My hands shake so violently I fear I might drop the fateful gift.. My focus blurs as tears sting in my eyes.."W-why would you?"

"I--" He opens and shuts his mouth.. "I saw it in the shop window-- It's just a cupcake, Wallflower."

"What does cake mean?" I place it down on the table to take a stumbling step backwards, dizzy with nausea and afraid of what this cupcake might cost..

"Uhh-- it's-- Angel Food Cake?" He frowns in confusion..

I reach up to wipe my eyes on my sleeve.. "What do you want?"

He blinks.. "You've lost me, Wallflower?"

"For the cupcake.." I shudder.. "What do I give you?"

His eyes darken and he sneers in disgust.. "Nothin'.. It's only a fuckin' cupcake.. Jeezus Christ.. We'll talk about this, Lilly, I just--" He leans down to collect Lovey.. "I need a minute--" Taking the baby with him he leaves me alone in the living room, disappearing down the hall where the door clicks closed..

Oh no.. Have I made a mistake?

Whenever Li Jun would give me something so nice, I would pay for it in pieces of my flesh..
He would tell me to lie still.. To be silent..

He hated it when I cried or fought back.. Li Jun wanted to hear me beg for mercy whenever he would beat me.. But he wouldn't tolerate any disobedience when he'd lay upon me with force..

I can remember the shivering coldness of naked vulnerability.. The feeling of his hand over my mouth.. I can hear his foreboding words and smell his rancid scent of ylang-ylang and tobacco..

Suddenly I want to vomit, falling to my knees on the baby blanket and trying to breathe through the fiery panic that grips my chest.. My skin crawls with sensations of snakes, leeches and spiders, evil..

Wicked.. Disgusting.. Dishonor..

Dirty.

Dirty.

Dirty.

"DIRTY!"

"Lilly? Lilly, STOP IT!" My hands are seized in River's grasp as he wrangles them from my bare thighs beneath the hem of my dress.. "What are ye' doin'?-- sweetling--please stop.."

River's desperate plea brings my eyes back into focus.. He kneels before me, bare chested in only a pair of army-green sweatpants, his hair still dripping wet from the shower..

I look down, unable to hold his vivid viridian stare.. My legs are scratched up savagely so that it looks as though a wild animal has taken to them.. My fingernails are bloody and one of them is broken..

"R-River... help me." I cry, and he catches me in his arms, wrapping me up protectively..

"Shhh.. You're safe, Lilly.. You're safe.."

"C-can't go back.. Please.. No more.." I stutter stupidly though simpering sobs..

He croos quietly, petting my hair, rocking me back and forth.."No, baby, yer' not goin' anywhere.. Nobody's gonna hurt you.. Never again.."

....

He hums, soothing me for what feels like an eternity, waiting until my tears subside and my breath is calm again before he speaks.. "I didn'ae wanna upset you, Wallflower.. Was it the cupcake?"

I shake my head.. "No.. It was--" I bite down on the words that are too beastly to say.. The ones that make me into a terrible dirty girl..

River doesn't press me to speak like he usually does, he doesn't urge me for answers.. This time he just waits for me to continue at my own pace..

"Punishment." I whisper eventually after working up my courage..

"I don't understand why ye' should be punished, Lilly.. That can'nae be rite'.." He speaks in a soft gravelly whisper, with pain reflected in his pretty pools of perception.. He shifts from his knees to sit on the floor beside me so that he can see me better, eye to eye..

"No-- dont know.. The cake.." I actually struggle to speak now, eluded by the words I know I need to say aloud..

He slips his hand over mine.. "It's a cake, baby.. It doesn't mean anythin'.."

I recoil from his touch, hearing all the things he doesn't say.. Cake is never cake.. Nothing is free.. Everything has a price.. A debt.. "I am nothing to you?"

He frowns.. "Uh-- I didn'ae mean it like that.." He tries again to reach out to me and this time I don't pull away as he looks down to survey my hands.. "I just thought-- I thought it would make you smile."

"Smile?" I sniffle..

"Aye.." He shrugs with a sheepish grin, peeking back up at me.. "I like it when you smile.."

I try to force a happy expression in return and he chuckles, reaching up to smoosh my cheeks between his hands.. "No- I wasn't saying you have to--" River trails off to shake his head with a sigh.. His fingers slip through my hair, smoothing it straight and back over my shoulder with the same kind of tenderness I've seen him express only with Lovey.. "I only like it when it's real, Wallflower.. But you're allowed to feel sad.. Or mad.. Or both at the same time.."

"I can?" I peep in surprise..

He agrees with an earnest nod.. "You can feel whatever you need to feel.. What happened to you, that wasn't right, Lilly.. You understand that, don't ye'?"

I suck a shaky breath.. "Sometimes-- is hard to know.. If I didn't deserve--it wouldn't be.."

"You were cheated, Wallflower.. Out of the beautiful life you should'a had.. Li Jun stole those ten years from you.. But, you know what?" He brings his fingers to my chin, titling my face towards his, the sweetest reassuring smile on his lips..

"Wh-What?" I falter..

"You can recover.. Wounds heal.. Your body already knows how to do it, it's doin' it rite' now.." There is an inspiring light that glows all around him, an energized aura that burns with quiet intensity and strength.. Beneath underneath all the brawny muscle and mouthy profanity.. There is a sensitivity to him, a saintly righteousness that I can't deny..

He is a hero.. A real one.. Like the kind I'd read about in fairytales as a little girl..
The prince in disguise..
The knight who slays the dragon..

"It is?" I warble, looking down at my bruised body, feeling it ache so deeply I doubt anything is healing..

He threads his fingers through mine with an encouraging squeeze.. "But, if you help it along, think kindly of it.. Treat it nicer.. Love it a little.. Well, then things start to get better.. Lighter.."

"Love it how?"

He reaches over, to take a few baby wipes from the table and starts to clean the blood from my fingers, one by one.. "How about if instead of being dirty, you think of yourself as lovely? Whenever you hear that bad word, I want you to replace it with somethin' kinder.. Can ye' do that?"

"I can try.." I watch, entranced as he gently cleans my hands, and legs..

"And, no more scratchin'?"

"Yes." I nod committedly..

"Good.. You're precious to me, Lilly.." He cleans the tears from my face with a cool fresh scented wet-nap.. "I hate to see you hurt.."

As I gaze at him, I am sucked into a swirling whirlpool of affection and embarrassment.. "The punishment--" The words slip uncensored from my mouth..

"Yes?" He stills, anxious to hear..

"I deserve-- Because I feel--" I choke up..

"What do you feel, baby, tell me?" He leans closer, urging me with empathic emeralds that hold within them an entire ocean of wonder..

I have read his book, most of it anyway.. I know what he is..
And it has only added to my admiration and drastically increased my desire..

I lean forward until our noses almost touch, but he never takes his tigers eyes from mine "I feel like-- I want the cupcake."