The night dived deeper into the sea of darkness, unsettling sound of beetle, gave away, the hope of falling into slumber; poor beetle has to take all the blame for Annika's insomniac nights. Same Annika, whose sleeping habits were talk of the town, 'she sleeps like a log' he use say, she thought.

Oh..Not again!... every thing bounces back to him. Such a fool of her, to even think living without him would be easier. If not memories, his eyes haunts at the back of mind like a ghost. She has become unserviceable, can't sleep, eat even think beyond him. Forty five days, longing has turned like an eternity. She missed Shivaay like never before. Distance always made her cringe, travelling alone was not her cup of tea, but he would compensate her with lots of calls, sweet lullaby of his voice in the nights, then she would retire for the day, his deep voice, whispered at night giving her hope of better tomorrow. Annika's perception has turned upside down. Shivaay's value in her life was so much unrecognized by her, as an important aspect of her life she always loved him, but, these days she realised he has been the only person who did eveything for her, his place and value is something unaccountable - securing  from danger, inspiring, motivating, loving and caring, without even expecting anything, selflessly. Did eveything, like he meant it, like he breathes to do all of this.
Realisation is hitting her hard, now she can see her ignorant  behaviour, ungratefulness. May be, it's distance or his longing, she can now see through, love.  When they were together, time spend and how conversation lead to different discussions, she can understand what they were, his love and care; not even a single day went by, scolding herself for everything she refused to see, ignore. They were the purest form of love.

When she walks around memory lanes, only regrets counts on the dominating emotion, usually followed by a straight pain inside depths of heart! Her actions and behaviour were too juvenile, such immature action that she regrets on playing. Eveything roams around her head like a storm, creating havoc and destruction inside her head. Undoubtedly She was rude, selfish and stupid, which hurts her more was her ungratefulness. Agreed a truth was kept hidden from her, agreed it was about her family, but they too are her family, they never differentiated between her and any Oberoi and this was not what they deserved.
She realised eveything after coming to this place. Her so called family are not even humans; Assassins. Hiding in a cloak, a family, which claims to be living the hierarchy of their ancestors, vey well, they are living it, as it was set way back in 18th century. They don't know the meaning of goodness, kindness, let alone this. How will they understand love? In fact it's a disease, or an alien who wasted the youth of the country. Annika's so called family are mean, ruthless and living a fake proud which doesn't exist in real life.

When she arrived, with so many expectations, heart overwhelmed, excitement of meeting her family. Finally, she'll  see someone of her own! her blood, her mother's blood! A full fledged family of her own, mama mami and brothers and sisters, Nani, which she bets will love her like dadi... Dadi always loved her, like her own, but it was never enough for Annika. Most of the time she felt neglected, apprehension regarding, quantity of love dadi gives to Shivaay or Rudy. She is cruel thinking like that, but she felt, and she can't help it.
When she saw nani, her wish came true, Nani is a timid looking, plum and fair lady in her eighties, dim eyes and slow posture, spreading warmth, Annika felt finally she is home. She'll get whatever is due, Nani will complete her incomplete love.
Nani opened the door for her, magically she recognized Annika too, may be her resemblance to her mother helped. Annika greeted her with a gleeful smile. She moved forward to hug her Nani, she believed she'll be received cordially, unless, as second later her dreams came shattering all around her eyes.  Reality strikes, in a lighting speed, destroying eveything she build during all the way from Mumbai to Jalandhar. Shivaay, dadi and Pinky maa were right, they don't deserve her.

Question arises, who destroyed It? So the answer is.... It was her so called grandfather. He too recognized her, strangely but seems like he sniff's love coming. Within few seconds, she wished she had never had left Oberoi mansion. And this man, her so called grand father, would be the last person she wants to be connected with.

Annika understood why Shivaay was so against them! Against her living with them. Just forget about, Orthodox and 18th century ideologies, they are mean, Indulged in all kinds of illegal activities. Ruling whole area with forceful means, they  are feared and obeyed by the locals. If it was Mumbai, she would have definitely faught for the people, but here, situation is different. It's like a mud puddle. Annika on her part tried to show, mirror to the locals but they feared too much. Also, are addicted to this kind of life, even if they agreed, actions can't be expected from them. She realised, nobody can work for the oppressed, when they are happy being the one. Police, administration, politics, laws nothing works here, it's kind of a web.

As per her nature, rejection from family didn't hurt her, as compared to thoughts of future generations of this place. Annika isn't a weak person, she is born to a strong women, lived with ideal ladies of society and backed by few really strong men, and she made them proud, even if it's a little effort, she is trying to educate young girls in the neighborhood. Adding few dillusion, off course; Training them for getting a rich, metro city guy, how to be a good housewife in big cities. That's what they want from their women, and if eveything is fair in love and war then this is also a war against, discrimination.
Somehow she even got few ladies to support her initiative. Like a miracle, she is able to make a change. Shivaay would be so proud of her, she thought.
Not again......!

Strangely, today memories are refusing to take a break. His face is continuously playing like a background music behind her concise,may be it's because of her undying longing. 45 days, is a long time after all, its more than a month.
Everything happening here, is because of her,it was unethical, prude ans sinful too. Her last words rings inside her head, those hateful blames, she didn't even bid good bye to him.
Last night was the last nail in the coffin, sleep deprived, guilt stricken, she lay on the bed, suddenly, a bad dream about him destroyed her peace of mind. He was stuck somewhere, helplessly calling her. The shout, her name, his desperate voice took life out of her. Even if it was a dream, she could sense a danger coming for him. She isn't a superstitious person but few dreams does that to you, especially with ones whom you love the most. 
The urge to meet him doubled, after that night, she didn't came back to normal. For two days, her heart thumped, as if she could feel him around, being watched, uneasiness didn't helped either.  Her insomniac nights are like grade card of her miseries. Guilt, didn't let her dial his number, desperation lead her to pick up her old phone. Regret, shame and fear of not being forgiven, How can she apologize? Just like that, over a phone call?
Her second thoughts held her, at least for now, there's a hope, he is with her, one phone call can destroy everything, how will she survive after that?

Annika wakes up with a start, sweat covered body, wet and cold, body was heating up with fear, but skin cold with fear, goosebumps and raced breathes. Mouth opened for gasping air. Suddenly she struggled to breath, dreams was back again, consecutively for three days now. There must be some meaning of it, otherwise why same dream will haunt her like this? Shivaay must be in danger, her heart told. She couldn't bare it now, feet volunteered, moved.  Annika found herself running over the fields of wet early mornings of October. Rice fields lay in its glory, it's time for them to come out of it, but  for some reason they are still there standing! loaded with goodness grains. Annika isn't a nature loving person but after coming here she realised, it's value. For now she can leave her gratitude to the corps. In Wee hours of morning darkness, life stuck in a tangled mess, she have become too bitter for appreciating nature.   Peace- that's what she feels inside these fields. She need isolation from people and world, at least these crops gives her that, calm and composed, it's too early for any human encounter.
She found a place, for shedding her miseries,  throughout her life, this is most hazardous experience she had, not even parents death hurted her this much. The unsaid words, fears, guilt, loneliness, betrayals, disappointment and being unloved it's too much for her to control. Currently fear is eating her up, not being able to see Shivaay and tell him how she felt. This emotional monster, is slowly eating her up, feeding itself through her fears.

That was it, she couldn't bear no more, with a thud she sat by the bottom of an abandoned tree. Abandoned like her, it's a beautiful tree but lonely and distant from others, same like her. Knees bend towards chest, enclosed, hugged she calmed her eradicated heartbeat, her unloyal tears betrayed her, but the vent inside her heart is unbearable, unable to cry she shouts in the middle of silence, a shout that has longing, fear and sorrow. Her stupid action ruined eveything, she made it worst. She shouts, without any syllable, it was a plain blant shout, then few howls later, her hoarse voice called him, ' Shivaay... ' loud and high pitched, she did as much as she could, once, twice and thrice but pain didn't go. She paused, heart swelled more, never in her life she thought, she'll express love like this.

Next moment, heart told her say it, loud so that he hears it, sitting miles away and, may be this cold wet winds tell him that she needs him and with a miracle he appears to sooth her pain; love her and kiss her so that she forgets eveything. Yes, she loves him. Her stupid heart realised, after loosing him, all these years the need of him, her betraying tears, peace inside his embrace is love. Off course it was, Shivaay hid it because he valued friendship over love, but she, she was stupid to not understand. Tia's claim over him wasn't just a jealousy, it was her heart trying to guide , but she ruined eveything. Friendship of all these years and love which was destined to be hers.

Now, the pain became unbearable, Annika cried again, with power in her capacity, she shouted.....'Shivaay.....I love you" one time, second time and...... Suddenly she hear a sound....her voice muffled, voice died inside her throat and the view.... well, she never thought, can she die in this moment?

It was Shivaay, standing as sharp as usual, in his not so famous casual look, with a bag packed like a hippie, his always well trimmed hair disheveled, blue green eyes shining in the dim light of fading moon. Pooled with water of love, crooked lips to control his emotions, but a little of brightness over the corner of his face, happiness, to see and hear something he wished for eternity.
Annika couldn't stand anymore, her legs refused to hold her and with a force she dropped her body on the ground. And her conspirator tears came out, because the owner has come, it flooded, continuously and unapologetically, without any shame, finally she is able to empty them, she cried loud then weeped, the suckles and sniffing didn't go for a long time. Shivaay stood there without even moving, looking at her with a complaining look, he has many of them.

Annika's continuous cry didn't dither him, like a mannequin he stood holding himself, tight, to not let off his guards, he spoke from distant. "Why? Annika, Why? Why you need to give pain to yourself? And Me? Always.... you give pain to everybody who loves you! What was she use of coming here? Fighting with everyone who ever loved you. Dadi mom, dad, why did you hurt them? what did you get doing all of this?" He paused and with him Annika's cries turned into sobs, listening, she have to face the wrath. She did a mistake, a huge one, may be her guilt will be washed like this. They'll are very supportive, she knew they may have listened to eveything she has to say even at that time, Shivaay could have convinced her. Nothing of this was required but she did it, now the anger has to be faced, if not how will she return back to them? How will she face them?
One unthought decision and eveything ruined, to build that up again, she have to bear it, and honestly she can, happily, she want Shivaay to be back in her life, in this way or any other.

"You knew you were wrong! still you had to do it! Why Annika? Now, just look at yourself, are you happy now? Are you happy being back with your so called family? They must be your dream come true right?" Shivaay's tone changed from complaining one to sardonic one. He crossed his hands over his chest and spoke with difficulty, he was also trying to hide his emotions for now.
"You said you were desperate to meet them, are they equally desperate Annika? Tell me all about it, did they welcomed you in grandeur manner? How much difference did you find in their love and ours? Haan... Well, must they are far superior to us, you have decided to not return back, right?" With that his anger melted, his strong complaining look changed into a desperate one, how can he ask all these questions when he knew the answers. Shivaay knew them, for three continuous days he is been following her, like a maniac, like a stalker, everywhere.

Shivaay reached Jalandhar three days back, with guilt eating, longing directing his feet, to just get a glimpse of his world, he was restless, prepare to see ane reti back, without coming in notice with her, without her permission he won't show his face, it was his self imposed punishment to hide things from her, scenario at her home didn't shock him.
This was so obvious, knowing who they are this was least to be unexpected, but Annika's miserable condition broke him hard, he could see her poor in health, like a mother he takes care of her food habits, first thing come up to him is her failing health. Their continuous humiliation, neglect and hatred, he saw eveything. She spend all her day alone, isolated, only a little happy with her students, after that same old vacant mess follows. Sleep deprived, and unhappy, he also knew she can't without him, the burden of unshed tears were adding to her baggage of sorrow, it was something very unbearable for him. He battled against himself to not show up, and it wasn't easy, he faught hundred times to not sooth her pain, looking at her, he lived all those pain himself. Thinking Annika has decided to go on with this life, she indeed longed for her family, otherwise staying here doesn't really make sense, after what he saw. In the darkness of night, he stood, very close, to look at a place which took his Annika from him. And then he saw her, frightened, weak and disheveled running towards him. Her heartfelt confession was the only thing he wanted to hear and now revealing himself to her was the only thought that occurred to him. Finally, he surrendered the hard build anger guard against his Annika and reached for her, dropping his camping bag on the ground without any pity. Taking a rag doll, which she has become, in his shuttering hands he said.

"Why don't you understand? Annika we all love you, more than you think! more than you ever wished! I know we aren't your blood but we're more than that. You never trusted us Annika? Why? And Came here, to face infinite humiliation. I told you, they are not your family, they don't deserve you! You're Annika.....my Annika, you deserve love, care and affection not hatred." Shivaay said cupping, a wet face, looking deep into her eyes, more then tears they were filled with guilt and sorrow, and he knew this isn't a time to scold her, because she learned whatever she had to.

Annika's  apprehension his himself in the depth of his eyes, the calm ocean like Windows of his swollowed, eveything negative she had. She made such a fool of herself, his hate, her guilt, her stupidity eveything felt so small in front of his care. what an idiot she is to think he'll ever hate her! This was it, if now, she doesn't accept what she deserves and what is actually her destiny is, then nobody other than her is the stupidest to be alive. He was hers, for eternity and she hugged him like that, to never him go. With a promise, if Annika is meant to be somewhere, then it has to be his arms, enclosed inside his heart. She is clear, forgiven or not forgiven, whatever he decides, for her, he is her destiny. 

She'll live, any case because now she knew Shivaay is meant to be hers. These 45 days, were eye opener, she let him go, it was a mistake but now, no other man will take his place inside her heart, not even someone who is connected by blood. The peace she got holding him was so serene, she forget all the miseries she faced. And the veil has lifted, she spoke.

"I am sorry. I was wrong. You were right, as always. They don't love me Shivaay...they hate me, they loathed my existence, they said, I am a result of sin, which my mother did, they said I don't deserve to live. Everyone hates me. They teach new generation of the family, to not follow my mother's footsteps, to not become like me..... that I am a mistake. You were right, they aren't my family. Who does that to their own blood Shivaay?......and.. you know what they said, I should have died with my parents, can you believe that? Did you ever thought, that I should have died? They say..... I should...Am I a sin? I shouldn't have lived?" Annika wailed saying eveything that transpired with her.  Pool of her emotion brust, Shivaay held her close, guilty of scolding her without thinking her condition, his eyes were competing with hers. She is in pain and he can't do anything right now, trying to sooth he said nothing just wrapped her more close to himself, and continuously spread his hands over her trembling body. Annika kept on going, he is her vent out, and she knew Shivaay will handle everything. She was calmer now, his touch worked, it always does, being inside his walls she finds a home, her own small beautiful home.

"I thought they'll be happy, seeing their daughter's daughter, after moms death I always wished I had someone to go to. My family, I am sorry, but I felt jealous looking at your equations with dadi. I wanted my own dadi Shivaay..... I knew it won't be possible and console my heart. But when I saw those letters, I felt cheated, I thought you separated me from them, because I had a family and you didn't tell me anything, I was angry, you hid my family from me, so I blamed you, I really wanted them Shivaay, but... but...they never wanted me. Never wanted me to be dead, nobody knew I exited. Let alone me, they never told the children that, they and a bua, who died. They don't know we're here. Whole existence was hid. How can they do that? Here, I am trying to find them in others and they knew I was still there, somewhere in the world, so close to their reach but they made me dead Shivaay! How can they do it?" Annika said still holding him tight, Shivaay's hold was same as it was, he wanted her to spend eveything she has..

"I know you're angry, but you understand me right? You understood why I did all of that? Tell me Shivaay you understood?... because now when I think of it, I feel ashamed of myself, for these ungrateful people I left you, Pinky ma, Shakti uncle, Om and my baby Rudy. I am a selfish wretch. Please tell me Shivaay, I am not like them! Shivaay tell me please...... This guilt, is eating me up, it didn't let me call you, or sleep at night. My guilt, made me away from you. Please tell me I am not like them!" She plead, her emotions were changing from remorseful to a desperate one. She wanted to be understood, she tried to be reasonable with herself, but eveything looked selfish, she wanted confrontation from him, and only Shivaay can do it for her.

Shivaay made her look into his eyes, still covered with wet traces, their souls looked into eachother through those eyes, brown looking into blue, she calmed down within few seconds, silent for few moments, body still wrapped like his second skin, she didn't let him go. Not even in her dreams, she'll let him go. Shivaay caresses her face with care and love he had, deep kiss on her forehead, claimed thousands of unsaid words.
" I understand you Annika. I know, why you felt that way, I know how you struggled all your life, how longingly you looked at us when we as a family talked. I could see that in your eyes, i can see through you. Believe me, everytime I tried, to make you understand you're part of it, you are no different from us. I know you never believe that, that's where you made a mistake, but apart from that nothing is wrong with you, nothing, you're our Annika, Sargam Aunty's little princess, my best Friend, mom's Annu....and Rudy's AD. We'll love you, and believe me when I say, nobody is happy after you, infact our soul left us after you." Shivaay again kissed her forehead little softer and gave few pecks on her eyes, he is entitled to that.

"You're saying this because you love me but I am not a good person Shivaay, I did...." She was sushed by him.

"It's true that I love you Annika. But my emotion does not overpower my judgement. I can guess how you must have felt, when you saw those two letters, two major emotional set backs of your life. Your family, whom you missed dearly and our friendship, it was too much to handle at same time. You were already confused, how I proposed, with your infrequently changing emotions. First with Tia, then my sudden proposal. After hospital incident, it must have looked like pity towards you, and you accepted because that's what you have always felt about us. Don't take me wrong, but you always thought we're burdening you with our care and love, didn't you? You felt obliged to make us happy, and if I know you, my proposal was your reaction, your part of duty,Right? It has nothing to do with my emotions, because you didn't knew anything, and I am to be blamed for that. And about your emotion, you were confused; You loved me, always, but never gave another angle to that love, it was always friendship for you. Annika this was something deeper than that. Am I right?" Shivaay asked relaxed, finally, his arms found it's missing part, and Annika soothing breaths and heartbeat was Melody for his clustered heart.
Before he could speak, Annika joined him, realising it's her hearts voice, this is what she felt all these years.

"I was trying to look at us in different aspects, I was trying to dream an unknown yet desired dream. I have always wanted to have my family, but with you, was a new idea, beautiful but fearful, fear of loosing something I am proud to have, first relationship of my own, with my best friend. The fear was taking control over me, dream was newborn and couldn't win the battle, when I saw those letters. My new dream crashed, new emotion born- frustration, anger towards life and my destiny, why me? When I was dreaming a new life, why this past has to come back? I was happy being treated like a charity case, happy what I had, but those letters got inside my head, my dreams got bigger, a huge family of my own, my mother's family, which will connect me to her, and I felt cheated, which was only mine, You, lied to me and that was it, I stopped thinking, anything- right wrong, empathy, care and love eveything, it was my mistake. The future and past overpowered my present. Days I lived without family didn't came to me, which were beautiful, only thing I saw was' what ifs?'....
What if, I had a family? I had my grandparents with me? What if, I was never alone? What if, I got to know about it earlier? What if, I would be happier than this? And that ruined eveything. Greed is never good. I realized, when, thinking what you have and what you can have, over powers your present, you become the most miserable person in an instant, just in fraction of seconds! I did the same mistake, and forgot, a beautiful dream I was dreaming... with you! And ......" Annika paused.

"And....you blamed me because it was easier, because you are more close to me than anyone, I was the one whom you called yours, and we hate, fight and complain to those whom we feel belong to us.... Right? I can understand eveything you said Annika, I am not angry, not even then, Yes, I was annoyed because you were not listening to anyone, to me. After you left, and I  didn't get any call from you, I thought, faught hard with myself. And  realised, it's not easy to understand your position. I can understand, try to understand but never experienced that, hence, I came here, to see you.... thinking at least now you're happy, but here the scenario, made me more angry, more than earlier.... Why didn't you leave this place Annika? Why are you still staying with these insensitive people? Why their company means more than us now? Why?"

Shivaay wated to know.....

____________________________________

Hills guys.

How are you? So here's what I promised, happy days are coming back, I know long conversations, but required. Hope you liked it, interesting things coming up, I hope you'll are still interested......

Love

Krishna