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I know that I made his heart beat. I felt it when my head rested to the side of his chest and his arms pulled me into it.

I know that he saw something in me. More than love at first sight. I saw it when his eyes sparkled in a soft way when I spoke of my troubles.

He was always there for me. He wanted the best for me.

So when did the person that helped me with my problems turn into a problem... The worst problem yet.

"Crud." I sat up and threw my arm to the side, hitting the bedside table but missing the grasp of my phone. My hand flew to my mouth that was trembling, then to my hair as I threaded my fingers through it a few times.

I thought that was over. I thought I was over it.

My encounter with the fanmade merch had taken it's rounds again, pulling me back into the pit I'd gotten out of. Was I back at the bottom?

After a deep inhale, I threw the hotel covers off me, turned on my bedside lamp, squinting adequately to the sudden light. My suitcase was the next thing I was kneeling in front of as my hands flew, throwing the piles of clothes onto the floor beside me in search of two things. Black, white. Small. No, scratch the white.

With a pair of leggings and a sports bra in hand, I was rushing to the bathroom to change, ignoring my untidy hair and dark circles showing how late in the night it was as my reflection followed me in the mirror. My night clothes were thrown to a corner in the bathroom, and I grabbed my water bottle that still had electrolyte powder from my last drink. My phone, room key, and shoes were the last things in my hands as I left the room, this time at a faster pace than the night before since I knew where I was going.

I knew Jungkook would have the same idea as me, so I worried that he'd be around. I didn't want that this time, even though the company was nice during my last session.

So it was pleasing when I opened the heavy glass doors to find he wasn't in there.

I hadn't even checked the time since I'd woken up. It was 1:30 in the morning, which was reassuring, considering if Jungkook was going to join, he would have from 12 to 2, and he wasn't here. Or maybe he'd finished already and it was all mine.

My items landed on the floor with synchronous clinks, except for my bottle which I placed on the cup holder at the side of the treadmill.

My fingers knew exactly here to go. 'Quick Start', and then upping the miles until I was happy. But I was going to start faster this time. I could do better this time. Four, five, six. It was already burning but that was okay. I needed it to mask the pain from my heart. To distract the pain from my heart.

If maybe I could get it just enough, there would be no more pain in the heart. Only physical exhaustion.

There were no more thoughts allowed as I ran. Just thud, thud, thud. My feet in rhythm like the greatest song I could think of.

I silently cursed myself for forgetting my earbuds. But I was alone, so I took a few glances at my phone to navigate and start my playlist. The beat upped my pace. The way my feet hit the moving ground of the machine underneath me was as satisfying when it hit the beat as when my fingers flew across the piano.

It felt great.

Time passed. The exercise started to hurt. A lot. But it felt better than what I'd been thrown into during the night.

...Oh restless night

It's such a fight

It's something sleep won't save me from, ever

Oh restless night

Don't want to fight

When asleep I don't want to just suffer...

Those were the lyrics to a song I'd created and released a few months back. One of the ones distributed to streaming services and heard by a handful of fans. The one which was purely motivated by Jiho.

As if to bring my thoughts back to reality, a flicker in the corner of my eye caught my attention. It took only an instant to realize it was one of my brothers.

When I turned my head to look at him, I got a little dizzy. I focused my eyes on him and nodded 'hello' since I was too out of breath. Jungkook waved before walking behind me and I heard him settle down with his own equipment. I was disappointed about the company, but shrugged it off.

I turned back to the information board on the treadmill. I was nearing fifteen minutes of my workout, but I hadn't sped up. My heart still felt like it was racing more than it should have been, and the sweat was starting to build up.

Maybe speeding up isn't the best idea. You're new to workouts like this and maybe you're still recovering from the other day.

I wanted to hit a climax before my cool down, so I worked up the speed to six mph and felt the air dry my mouth as I tried to regulate my breathing.

It wasn't very fun, but I opted for at least five minutes of the challenge.

Look at me now, Jiho.

I don't need you to do hard things.

I am strong.

I am worth it.

I am worth it to myself.

I didn't think a challenge could hurt until the display board in front of me started shifting in my sight. My hand was keeping me from leaning on top of it and the sides of my vision faded into black dots. They kept coming, something I recognized happened when I got light-headed.

In a panic, my mind flew to the worst possible. I realized that was probably what happened the other day with Namjoon, and I was in no mood for it to happen again.

I wanted to slow the treadmill so I could catch my breath, but I couldn't see it well enough to press the button as it shifted side to side. My footsteps were stumbling around each other, slowly taking me further down the equipment. My hands grabbed for the handles on the treadmill but missed, so I opted to step off altogether. I wasn't even surprised when I lost my footing and stumbled as the moving track carried me to the end on my knees, where I took to the floor on all fours, sitting on my side so I could catch my breath.

I wanted the dots to go away. I wanted to catch my breath before Jungkook got back. I wanted to stand up and blink away the blurred vision.

But I couldn't. A finger held my chin up but the person in front of me was moving, spinning sideways for a few seconds before bouncing back to normal just to turn again. I kept blinking, thinking things would go back into proportion, but they didn't.

My wrist was grabbed and I felt the vein with a pulse push against the finger abnormally fast. It was in sync with my pounding chest.

The figure was gone for a second before my water bottle was put in front of me, but I couldn't see well enough to grab it. I stared at it for a few moments and my ears started ringing. I sat still, watching the bottle as it slowed down. And Jungkook's voice started coming into tune, as if the volume of the world was coming back.

A hand hit my shoulder and suddenly it all stopped. The silence worried me, as if the world had really shut off.

But then Jungkook's words were audible and my breathing was too. And the pounding was in the background of my ears. "I think this will help, here, please take it. Sujin please."

I blinked, glanced at his face, and studied his doe eyes that were twice as large as normal. His line of sight kept going from where he was trying my pulse, to my eyes, and then the water bottle in his hand.

I reached for the bottle, whose cap was already unscrewed, and brought it to my lips. When my brother saw my hands shaking slightly, he softly placed a hand on the bottom to help support it.

"Slowly, don't choke," he prompted

I took a few gulped but my throat felt closed off and heavy. I put it down and took a few breaths.

"Did you trip? Are you alright?"

I shook my head, and then quickly regretted it. "No... I just... got really dizzy."

His grip on my pulse loosened. "I was worried you'd hit your head or something because you weren't..."

"I probably did, I didn't feel it-"

"Because you almost passed out again." I opened my mouth to respond but he continued, "yeah, this isn't good, Sujin. We need to get you to a doctor, now."

"Again? Kook, I'll be fine-"

"Why, why will you be fine? This is the second time-"

"Yeah, and the doctor only told me to rest! This is no different, I just need to wait a little longer."

"You took a while to recover the first time and it might take longer this time if you keep doing this. Trust me, I know!"

I didn't have the energy to keep arguing. "Please, let's just make sure I get to my room and I'll rest."

"We were supposed to explore Santiago tomorrow..."

"I should get to sleep then."

"We're not going to explore if you're like this." He raised his hand to my forehead as if checking for a temperature, but I carefully swatted his hand away.

"No, Jungkook, it's okay. I just shouldn't have tried to exercise like this." I got up on one knee to test my stability. There was a slight ringing in my ears, but it was alright. "If it makes you feel any better, I'll maybe... talk to my uncle Sejin about it."

"This is our last day in Santiago... we're leaving tomorrow, Sujin."

"I know, I'm sorry. I'll be fine. I'll see how I feel after I sleep, alright?"

"No, I still think you need a doctor."

I was getting irritated now. "Okay, maybe I do but I'll talk to Sejin about it." I was slowly getting to my feet, not dizzy but with a heavy air of exhaustion biting every limb. I'd never felt this before. "Just let me get to sleep first."

"Okay, okay. We'll see in the morning..."

"Right."

"You have all your stuff?"

"Can you grab my water bottle for me?"

My brother nodded and grabbed it, handing it to me before rushing to gather his things. When we were ready, he held out a hand to support my forearm, but I took a careful step away.

"I'll be fine."

We kept to ourselves the next day as everyone worked on their last to-dos of our time in Santiago. Some members opted to explore, but the whole group didn't go as planned. I decided to stay home and rest while producing. Schoolwork was my excuse, because if I had wanted to go, I was sure that was when Jungkook would call it perfect time to tattle on me, even if it wasn't exactly... tattling.

It was about an hour before dinner when I heard a knock on my room's door. I was laying down in the messy sheets of my bed, my phone propped against my stomach and pillows crowded around my head. I hadn't moved except to grab snacks or use the bathroom all day. It was what Jungkook would have told me to do, anyways.

My head shot towards the door and I waited a second to see if the person would give me any hints as to who they were.

"Are you in there, Sujin?"

Namjoon.

I sat up a little before clearing my throat and then shouting out, "Yeah, Joon."

The handle jiggled for a second before it cracked open and my brother stepped in, followed by Yoongi. The younger raised an eyebrow for a second as he scanned the room. "Are you going to pack in the morning?"

I sat up straighter and threaded a hand through my hair. "Yeah, I plan to in the morning."

"We're leaving around noon, you sure you'll have enough time?"

I nodded.

"Alright, well dinner's just in a convention room downstairs and Yoongi and I were heading to explore a short hike behind the hotel. You want to come?"

A hike? No thank you.

"Thanks for asking, but I'm going to get ready for dinner," I told him, brushing the sheets off my legs and getting up.

"Have you left your bed all day?" Yoongi questioned skeptically.

"Eh," I shrugged. "We'll be moving around all day tomorrow." I picked up a pair of jeans and a white cropped button down before changing the subject. "Where're the others?"

Namjoon went quiet a moment before answering, "Hoseok and Jimin went to shop and Jin's been in his room. Not sure where Jungkook's been, and Tae might have gone off to explore by himself.

Tae. I miss Tae.

"Alright, thanks. They'll all be back for dinner?"

"I expect them to, I think Sejin will be there going over some things for tomorrow."

Uh oh, of course Sejin would be there. But Jungkook hadn't told anyone yet...

"Sounds good." I finished picking out my clothes and stood, watching my brothers watching me. "Were you on your way somewhere?"

"Right. Yeah. You sure you don't want to join us?"

"Yep, thanks though. See you at dinner?"

"Yeah, see ya, kid. Sejin's around if you need anything."

"I know." I waved them off and returned a wave from Yoongi before sighing as the door closed. I threw the clothes I'd collected back onto my suitcase before plopping on my bed and thinking for a moment. When was the last time I'd talked to Suho?

The stupid distance from my brothers, especially those like Tae and Jimin, had really shifted my globe. I couldn't help but wonder at the homesickness that started to touch my stomach. Daehyun was somewhere unknown to me, as well.

I grabbed my phone and went to Twitter. They always knew what was up with the band there. 

Hi all!

I know I've mentioned that I've got a lot going on recently! It's nothing I can't handle but my writing sure hasn't been coming to me as much lately and though I'm still ahead of updates, I'm loosing the amount I'm ahead on. I was wondering if it was alright for me to start updating once every two weeks, or even once every 1 1/2 weeks, just until I can catch myself back up? Shouldn't be to long :D. I'll try my very best to get back to speed very soon! I just need to get past applying for scholarships so I know I don't have to stop taking flying lessons. That needs to take top priority in my life right now and I hope you understand! If I can get one then I'll be able to spend more time with my writing and this story :)

Thank you all! Stay safe, healthy, and happy!!

Rose