040521

Our transition from 2016 to 2017 marked the first year I was starting while living with the boys. Yoongi was the one to pull me off to the side in one of the company's spare rooms, candle and lighter in hand. I wasn't nervous until he turned the lights off in the small room that only had some spare equipment and now windows to let the night lighting come in.

"What are you-"

"Do you trust me?"

I was quiet. His figure was barely visible in front of me. Quikly, my hand reached out and found his side, and after a second, his palm.

My other hand felt the cold candle as it was nudged slowly towards me. I grabbed it.

"Keep holding the candle, I'll find the top before I light it so I know I'm not putting fire in your face. And maybe back up before I do."

"When you light it? So what's the real plan here?" I asked my brother, backing up but holding the candle outwards in front of me.

"When we celebrate the new year, we'll want to be with everyone else. But my little tradition is this," he explained as we watched each other in the dark, "at 11, which is about two minutes from now, I start the year off a little early. Think about it, all the different time zones that exist in the world. Every human is a human, no matter where they live. So we shouldn't be restrained to when we have to start the new year, since we could travel anywhere and start it at a different time. I think, as a human being, we have the right to choose. And I chose to start it at 11, an hour earlier than the rest of those around me. It gives me that extra hour for myself in not only a day, but a whole year different. It's special. But... I want you to celebrate this one with me."

"Wow, Yoongi," I said, "that's cool. I'd love to. But what does this have to do with the candle?"

"That's a tradition my family had. I'll light in in the 'new year'. To signify that no matter how dark the year is, like this room, there will always be a light. Something to hope for, something to live for. Every year has something to live for, and we can't forget that. We should look forward to it every year."

I nodded, and then realized he couldn't see it. He continued anyway, "It's almost time." He checked the time on his phone, which had dark mode on and it's brightness at the lowest to keep the room as dark as he could. "Ready?"

"Mm hm," I hummed, before a few clicks came and a small flame peeked from the top of his white pocket lighter. He checked the time again, and when I saw the numbers flip to 11:00, I held the candle closer to him and watched as the flame transferred to the tip of the white candle.

After a second, he turned the lighter off and put it in his pocket. Both of us watched the small flame take over the string on the candle, and I tried to imagine what it would mean for my own year. What the reasons to live would be this year.

Of course, the boys would be a major one. Maybe my progress with producing, or dancing. Maybe it'd be meeting all the fans when we got on tour, or ensuring I kept my real friends by my side and being more careful with who I chose. Maybe it'd be getting to visit Aecha and Chinhae, or the new dorm the boys and I would move into.

It made me warm to think of all the possibilities, almost as if the flame was holding them for me and slowly heating me up with them.

After another few moments, Yoongi shifted his weight and then checked the time. "Maybe we should go back and meet the others and get ready for our last hour before the countdown."

"Yeah, sure. What do we do with the candle?"

"Hold onto it. If it lasts, you can blow it out at twelve. Would be a nice substitute for a New Year's kiss, huh?"

I blushed slightly. "I don't care too much about that anymore, anyways."

Yoongi brushed a hand behind my back as he turned on the lights in the room and opened the door as I carried the candle.

I added, "I don't need to worry about him anymore."

I hadn't realized my eyes had closed as I thought about it. The recalling of Jiho made me turn to my side in the bed and wrap the covers closer to me so I could actually get ready to sleep.

I tried to remember I was in Chile. There should have been no trace of him anywhere near me.

The small comforter I had cocooned myself in was good at lulling me to sleep, but not keeping me in that state. I was trapped half asleep in bed, waking up with vivid memories right at the forefront of my mind.

I was tempted to swear at myself when I woke, an electric feeling of nervousness pulsing through me. I really didn't want to be weak like that anymore, but I couldn't help it. Luckily, I knew I could choose how I reacted to it.

I hoped to not make it a big disturbance, but executed my plan as I grabbed my phone, key, and hopped into the one pair of slippers I had in my suitcase before leaving my room, being extra careful to open and close the heavy door gently.

For some reason, it surprised me to find all the hotel's lights on in the halls, but it made sense to me as I walked. Hotels were always awake.

Jimin's words echoed in my ears as I hoped I heard him right. I'd also thought I'd heard him tell the others which room he was in, so I was relieved when Hoseok opened his hotel room's room after I knocked a few times.

"I didn't think you'd be awake," I said as he invited me inside.

"I didn't think you'd be, either."

"Fair." I followed him in and took a seat on his bed. "I'm so tired but when I close my eyes I just- Agh." After a second, my eyes caught the messed up covers of his hotel bed. "I- were you asleep?"

He shook his head. "Was just winding down, catching up on some social media news and stuff."

"Ah."

He made his way to the bed and tucked his lower body under the covers, checking the time on his phone before placing it on the bedside table. "You really should get to bed, though, Dongsaeng."

My lips went into a straight line. "Believe me, I know."

His eyes went from the part of the bed that was undisturbed, to me, and then back. "You can-"

"I should have brought the blanket from my room. I wasn't quite sure what I was thinking."

"No, no. Go ahead. I don't mind."

I thought for a second as my eyes wandered the desk in his room that had his producing equipment all set up. "You already...."

"Yeah," Hoseok said with a small chuckle, "I do it first thing."

My eyes widened. "But we've been here like... half the day."

"It didn't take long to plug everything in and get my studio set up. I wanted to work on my mixtape."

My mouth made an 'o' and then I asked, "Can I do something?"

"It depends on what that something is."

I smiled. "Can I work on... something?"

He laughed lightly, more like one puff of air that left his mouth as he closed his eyes. "Yeah, go ahead."

"Coolio thanks." I took a seat at the desk, inspecting his computer, MIDI, synth, and speakers. I had my earbuds in my pocket, so I took them out and paired them to his computer once I had opened it and signed into my account. "I just need to get a tune... a little something that's been bothering me out of my head. Maybe it'll help me sleep. My equipment isn't set up." And also, Hoseok's equipment was much more expensive and new than mine anyways. This would be much easier than using my own... if I could get familiar with it easily.

I condemned myself for not having learned how to use it earlier. It was something I was going to need to be able to do pretty well in situations like this.

Once my earbuds were paired, I started a new project. The song I had in mind wasn't just a tune, it was the whole package. I started with a synth track, tiny bells but with a hint of bubble.

Then I moved to a real piano track, bursts of chamber orchestra, and a fun bass line that was a little too loud but I hadn't realized how much I needed it.

Let's pretend next I had a heavy metal piece so author-nim can stop laughing. That'll do it. Nice. Hoseok will never let me use his equipment again.

When I finally finished listening to what I'd created one time through, I stopped to change the octave of a track before looking up. I'd been hoping Hoseok would be awake so he could listen to what I'd just made, especially since I'd come to be proud of it. But when I found his phone screen still on and resting near his closed eyes, giving a glow I felt was only appropriate for the sunshine of our group, I couldn't help but smile.

I exhaled and then shut his computer, unplugging his speakers and putting my earbuds back in their case, as well as turning off his mouse and ensuring everything was powered off.

After checking my phone for any lingering or new notifications, I finally took into account how tired I was. I had the tune safely on software and I needed to get rest. That had been my initial plan for the visit.

First I took the phone from my Hoseok's limp hand and plugged it into the charger on the table near his side of the bed. I then turned off the main lights in the room, except for the bathroom light, whose door I closed, but not all the way so a little light would peek through. That's how I remembered he told me he liked best when travelling.

Taking my brother's earlier offer, I found my way under my own section of the hotel sheets and put my phone on the bedside table of my side, as well as the other few things I'd brought, before pulling the covers over me and close to my chin.

After a few seconds, I turned around to see the back of the peacefully sleeping Hoseok. Feeling content and safe for the first time that night, I was able to fall asleep and get rest for the day in Santiago ahead. It'd be the first of many in a foreign place.

The Movistar Arena was big. But not big big, like the Gocheok Sky Dome the boy's had performed in back in Korea during February. My brothers had been told the capacity for the arena was 14,000, while Korea's dome was around 20,000. The one here in Santiago was loud enough for the boy's voices to reverberate as their enthusiastic shouts followed us. We ran down the center stage that walked into the crowd.

"Hi, hello, hola!" Hoseok called, testing his English as he waved one hand out to the empty rows of red, green, and yellow seats. The bottom floor's seats were in groups, having a large amount of yellow seats in the center with rows of red behind. The second floor of the arena was a different color on every seat.

This would be our only time to see the real venue empty. Fans would fill every seat possible that night.

"ARMYYY!" Jin yelled, doing the same.

"This is where we finished up the Red Bullet Tour," Hoseok told the camera as he started back to the main stage. Staff has been filming clips every so often of our time getting to the venue and prepping for rehearsal for the documentary.

"Ahh," I said, looking around. "It's giving me anxiety just starting to count the amount of seats in here."

"This is one of the bigger ones, I suppose," Jungkook said as he approached behind me. "We have some 10,000 venues later on." He paused. "This is the biggest indoor arena in Chile, though."

My mouth formed an 'o' and I looked around. "Ha ha. I did not know that."

"Pretty cool that BigHit snatched it," Jin said as we made our way up the stage and down the stairs to head to the backstage artist's room.

"I can't believe this is what you're performing in. Geesh."

Once a little settled backstage, the boy's nervous ranting went about. I kept thinking about the echoey arena that I'd now seen, and how there'd be fans in every spot that night. It'd been almost a full month since the tour kicked off, which meant it'd been a whole month since the boys had tried this Wings tour. It'd been pretty epic when it started.

The nerves had been unbearable, even for me who had no job but to stay backstage and wander where I was allowed. Cameras, makeup, getting outfits ready when they came to change while a VCR played. It was all interesting to me, and something I wanted to learn.

As details about the stage and set were put into place the year before, I couldn't help but become interested. It made me wonder, if I wasn't planning to become an idol, if I would have chosen a career in artist management or concert staff.

The boys had been prancing around the artist's room at the Gocheok Skydome the whole day, from the morning rehearsal to the countdown to the opening of the show.

Before the show, Namjoon had all the boys crowded together on the black leather couches as everyone stood in their outfits for the first set of songs. They were grey jackets with silver accents on the pockets and sides, paired with an assortment of white and black tees and all black jeans.

"Just as we prepared, just as usual, okay?" Namjoon asked the boys, glancing around at every member. "It's everyday life for us. We prepared the concert while appearing on TV. Don't consider this just one more day. People gathered a lot of work, so we must show them something."

I glanced at each member. Their hair colors were the biggest difference in appearances at the moment. Jimin was pink, Namjoon purple. Hoseok and Jungkook had a dirty blonde with splotches of the pink and purple the first two had. Yoongi was black, Jin brown, and Tae's blonde was the lightest.

They all stood, crowding in for the team chant.

"Bang Bangtan!" Namjoon started.

The boys followed with an enthusiastic, "Bangtan!" and their hands which had been collected in the center flew downwards to complete the chant. And just like that, their first night of the Wings tour was about to begin.

Hello!

My dearest apologies for missing an update last week. Some people author-nim cares a lot about are going through some things right now and there was no way I could get an update up last week. But I'm hoping this week (spring break for me, yay) will be my chance to get things balanced again and I'm sure it'll be okay soon!

Thank you for continuing to follow this story! Hope you're all doing well and had a good Easter if you celebrated!

Please stay safe, healthy, and happy!

Rose