A/N: Before we delve into this chapter, I just want to say a big thank you to everyone reading this book.

There's also something I wanted to point out. If you think that the dialogue sentences (like when the characters are speaking) are grammatically incorrect, it's not an error. It's the way Nigerians talk. We love to add our own twist to the English language. An example of a grammatically incorrect sentence is: "You yourself should know that it doesn't make sense." but in Nigeria, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

If you see such sentences, just know that it is me writing in a Nigerian voice. If you interact with Nigerians often (I'm not talking about text messages, I mean calls and physical conversations) you will notice such things. It's not that we can't speak without adding all those (we often do when talking to foreigners) we just give the English Language the colouring and flavour it needs. Check out what Trevor Noah has to say about it here (I recommend watching from 1:20):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qp4vlSOOnY4

For this particular chapter, you will see numeric superscripts on some statements written in Yoruba. Beneath those paragraphs containing the sentences, a numeric superscript matching the number of the text will indicate the translation. For example:

¹"Kilode to lọ sí bẹ?" He roared in anger.

¹(Why did you go there?)

Fun fact: This happens to be the longest chapter in this book with 4,000 words. Most of the chapters are between 2,000 to 3,000 words. I considered splitting it into two but decided against it because of the flow.

Chapter Fifteen
The Past
Tiaraoluwa

The new term and new session started with tragedy.

I had felt it during the holidays when Kainye told me Kainene had been distant and the feeling became stronger when he told me she swallowed camphor balls.

From my childhood days, I could sense the presence of death when it was near me. It seemed so unnatural and out of this world- it felt like I had powers that could be seen in a fantasy book. The first time I felt its presence was a day before my dad got a call that his cousin was quite ill- he had been down with malaria. An illness so common among us that some people didn't even need to take medication or go to the hospital to recover from it. Malaria was the second nature of a Nigerian.

The air was different that day. Cold seeped through my bones and several shivers traveled through my core. My abdominal muscles contracted, allowing me to taste the sting of pain. So while everyone was praying for his recovery, I could only imagine if there would be a casket that would contain his height. It was also the same feeling I had before my favourite uncle who lived in London was diagnosed with stomach cancer, my second favourite uncle was hospitalised because he was caught in a fire accident and was hospitalised and the same feeling before my grandpa had a stroke.

Kainene was going to leave the world of the living and that I knew for sure. For days, I couldn't bring myself to accept the feeling of being aware that Kainye was going to break. When I heard the news of her departure, it didn't take me by surprise which took my mother by surprise.

"I thought you and Kainye were close?" She questioned, eyeing me suspiciously.

Shrugging, I said. "It was bound to happen and I'm not close with boys."

"What do you mean by bound to happen?" She asked in bewilderment. My dad's ears perked up and he dropped his phone- he was temporarily back from Port Harcourt.

I smiled and walked away because I knew that it was somehow going to turn into a seventy-two-hour lecture on the true Christian experience if I said anything. My dad might have called me possessed and insisted on rebuking the demons inside me with beatings like he did when I was accused of practising lesbianism. He would have also told me that it was because I had 'negative thoughts' that people died when I thought of death- and he did give me that lecture, only because I smiled.

My dad called me back to the living room on the side of our house.

"We are talking to you and you're walking away?" He said sitting upright on the battered sofa. The wood that held it upright was falling apart inside so it sank in lower than necessary.

"No?" I muttered furrowing my eyebrows. "I wasn't talking with you."

"Wo omo yin ke!" He said to my mother, giving her a dirty look. "What kind of evil spirit is that?"

"It's not an evil spirit," I said curtly while trying to keep my eyeballs in place to avoid rolling them at him. "I just had a feeling she was going to die when I heard she ate camphor."

"You had a feeling and you could not rebuke it? You don't know that you're supposed to pray to God for that kind of thing? So that is how you used to hear somebody is sick and you'll be praying for them to die? Is that what you have been doing? No wonder your mother said you didn't cry when Grandpa died. Because you were praying for it Abi?"

The words flew out of his mouth steadily- there was no pause.

"She's taking that evil spirit from you!" He told my mother, turning to face her once more. "You're always having negative thoughts. The other day I was talking to that girl about her house rent, you were looking through the window to know what we were saying or if we were standing close and when I got inside you started saying nonsense about her dressing."

How that had to do with the matter at hand, I didn't know.

"There are some things you do to provoke me!" He growled. "That's why you'll be calling me when I'm in Port Harcourt asking where I bought food from or ate from. I know you're suspecting I'm touching other women out there."

"But you! You will be eating everywhere. Going to people's houses with these children and allowing them to eat their food! That's where she got that evil and negative spirit from. Several times I will warn you but you will not listen."

"You will be hugging men and going out when they call you! To do what? That's how she's learning to carry boyfriend and you're supporting her. The Kainye, is it not a boy? If not for The Holy Spirit this home will not be standing. I can as well abandon you people. You think I was not living a good life in Port Harcourt?"

There he was again, accusing my mother of being promiscuous because she worked overtime and threatening to abandon us.

Stop insulting the Holy Spirit! I wanted to scream at him. The Holy Spirit would only live in a clean vessel. I wasn't a clean vessel but my father was a dirtier one.

"Negative thoughts?" I cackled. "Who is having negative thoughts? How do you know what's in my mind? Who said I was praying for Grandpa to die? It's your negative thoughts that are always making you to say-" I didn't complete my sentence before my head was slammed into the wall.

¹"Oloriburuku oshi!" He barked. "You're demonic and I would beat it out of you." His words faded out as I held my head in pain.

¹(Owner of a cursed head. Stupid/Crazy girl)

"Tiaraoluwa what is your problem?" My mom screeched standing up and dragging me away from my father. "Why did you talk back? Have I not always told you to be quiet when an adult is talking?"

²"Mo ma lu awọn alãye apaadi jade ninu omo yii loni!" He roared angrily.

²(I will beat out the evil spirit in this child today.)

³"Baba Iwalewa e joo," my mother begged. With a frosty stare, she used her eyes to tell me to go into the room. That I did and as I stormed away in anger, I stepped right onto a small nail. The sharp tip of the iron that pierced my skin sent a sensation of annoyance to my brain that made me curse out loud but along with that feeling, I found pleasure in pain because I forgot about what happened for a second too long.

³(Iwalewa's dad, please.)

Throughout the night, I scraped my palm against the wall and poked nails in and out of them. I loved that it distracted me.

I didn't tell Kainye this though, I just shrugged and smiled at him.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Kainye hadn't been himself since his sister's death and I couldn't even bear to imagine how he would feel during the burial. His blazers and sweaters could only hide his self-harm scars from others but not me. It was easy to notice because I knew what he did so without putting much effort, his scars that peeked from the loose end of his long sleeves will show themselves to me.

Later on, I did tell him I understood at his sister's grave in Mayfair Gardens and he was sure to ask me what I meant the moment he was back in school.

The night of Kainene's burial hung heavy like burgundy curtains in an office. It wasn't just her death that made that day significant, but a familiar change in my father's attitude and Adesuwa. It was the day she really scratched that glass of our friendship.

You may or may not recall when I mentioned the argument with Mary- I shall repeat the story because I just wanted to let you know why the day mattered and why when she said, "I was defending my friend" hurt me.

My father was still the same, ever full of new conspiracies. Fresh ideas weaving their way into his thoughts and actions. A day filled with dreams and visions of the 'things he was shown' by the Spirit of God.

I don't want to mock or doubt God's omnipotent powers- I have a peculiar relationship with him (shocking right?) because a lot of times I wanted to laugh in my father's face and tell him that God wasn't sending him dreams. I wanted to let him know that his creative imagination was the reason he got his dreams but I never had the courage. The courage to say less-provoking things got me in trouble.

Rain clouds darkened the evening before night fell, it wasn't raining heavily as my mother and I journeyed home. It was only a drizzle, increasing in the way it showered water, only to drastically reduce a moment later.

We walked home from the estate gate- there were no means of transport except by foot if you had no car- and enjoyed the solemn serenity the day and weather brought. I deeply inhaled the damp smell of rain, ravishing and appreciating it as it filled up my lungs. It was the first rain of the year- rain that was supposed to come with a blessing.

But as we got to the house and the door was opened, the air was different- it always was. It smelt musky and strongly of garlic and onions. Not in a nice way most American novels portray the smell of garlic when talking about some garlic Alfredo chicken and whatnot but in the most disgusting way possible.

Wrinkling up my nose, I walked in and asked, "Why does the house smell like this?"

Of course, I knew why, and my mother knew I knew so she rolled her eyes at me and turned to her husband and spoke in Yoruba. ¹"Ẹ kalẹ o." The Yoruba was mocking. A pretext for the subtly offensive statement she had to say next. "Ẹ ni lọ jẹ garlic ninu yàrá yín. Ẹ má wa wá sí bí, ma jẹ kí ibi bayii run. Ìbí tí ọ ni cross ventilation and is always stuffy. You're now making it..." She froze in her English and returned to Yoruba. "Ah, Ọlọrun!"

¹("Good evening o." The Yoruba was mocking. A pretext for the subtly offensive statement she had to say next. 'You will not go and eat garlic in your room. You will now come here and make it unbearable for us. This place that doesn't have cross ventilation and is always stuffy, you're now making it... Ah God!")

²"Wò, gbe'nu ẹ soun jàre," he hissed. "Where are you coming from?"

²(Please shut up your mouth.)

³"Ah an. Mo sọ fún yín tẹlẹ," she sighed heavily then repeated it in English. "I've told you before. A child died. A lọ sìn ọmọ kan to kù ni school."

³(I've told you before. A child died. I went to represent the school at the burial with admin)

⁴"Kilode tii Tiaraoluwa wa tẹlẹ ọ?" He replied, eyeing me tentatively.

⁴(Why did Tiaraoluwa follow you?)

⁵"Brother ọmọ yen wa nínú class e."

⁵(The brother of the child is her classmate.)

⁶"Reason ti mo ṣe n la ala burúkú ni hẹn. Mo ti mọ!" He said, raising his hands and slapping them dramatically on his thigh. With the same attitude of drama, I rolled my eyes and walked away, striding into the room. My brother Ṣijuade was fast asleep but still, I picked out the first thick dress and cotton wrapper I found and went into the bathroom, hung the dress up and peeled off my clothes, throwing them out through the curtains across the room and into the laundry basket.

⁶(That's the reason I've been having bad dreams. I knew it!)

Hurriedly and in great hasty fear, I poured a bowl of icy cold water on my body to feel refreshed. Even though I was wet and had unwillingly bathed in the rain, I didn't feel clean. Despite the cold, I hung on because boiling water to have my bath meant a seventeen-hour lecture on gas prices.

Shivering, I towelled dry with a cotton wrapper- I didn't have a towel of my own, then wore the dress.

Even as I did that, trying to distract and discourage my ears from involuntarily listening to the conversation with the cold I felt, I could not.

"You're causing all this evil for your child!" He said in harsh Yoruba. "Because of a boy in her class, you took her there? You're the one teaching her to be befriending boys. The dream I had is very terrible! I can't say it. They want to use that boy to steal the glory of this girl! I'm sure you ate what they served in that place. Oju kòkòrò⁷. Your foolishness is so great!"

⁷(longer throat)

"We did not eat anything o." I rolled my eyes walking into the living room. "It's the burial of a child for God's sake!" I said pointedly, rolling my eyes dramatically and adding a hissing sound- a mistake I had dared several times that always brought about similar results.

⁸"Ọ́ṣì! Olórí burúkú!" My father growled, as he always did. His turning red as he stood up to rise to my challenge, his bathroom slippers shuffling on the floor. "May God not make you Óṣì. Is it me you're hissing at? Am I your mate?"

⁸(Someone stupid/crazy. The owner of a cursed or mad head.)

The anger in his voice sounded tearful and just then I recognized it. The anger that wanted to blame someone for a misfortune to come. His anger told me that in less than four months his contract will be over, then we will rely on rent and rent will finish and my mother will become the dictator of his meals. She won't buy the expensive fishes he liked, or the fresh Ugwu bundles of leafy stalks from Ajah. He won't be able to squander her own money even though he often used his power as the head of the house to influence her spending. I knew that anger well because it had happened several times before. The anger that kept rising till we were in the situation that made his anger reach the peak for several months, the anger that made him have more and more dreams, and cook up conspiracies that conspiracy theorists like Alex Jones will find ridiculous. And then when all was well, the anger will dissipate, but a fragment will remain there. Waiting and waiting to be awakened.

I stared at him with a hard face, unblinking and unmoved, fueling that anger more.

"I'm your father!" He said as though trying to convince himself, my mother and me. "Better don't let me curse you!"

"Get out of my sight!"

And that was what I did.

"Warn that girl!" I could still hear his voice loudly as he spoke to my mother. "Is it at this age that I will be beating her?"

"In fact I will beat her!" He roared. "Am I her mate?"

⁹"Daddy Iwalewa, ẹ ma binu. Ẹ jọ́ọ̀!" My mother coaxed him, trying to plead on my behalf.

⁹(Please don't be angry.)

"I will use stick to break her head!" He threatened moving about frantically as if trying to find one. He didn't- he never did. It always happened the same way.

He came into the room and hit the back of my head hard with his hand, then my back, then my head, and then my back, over and over again until I screamed and trashed, begging him to stop. There was one day I didn't, and that was the day I started writing this story. Although then, I had no valid reason for writing the story but now, even though I'm still far from the end, I realize why. It made me feel better.

When he finally left me alone, still ranting and cursing, I picked up my phone and opened the launcher to reveal my secret WhatsApp. The one different from the one I used to chat with parents and adults and stared at Adesuwa's old chats for a while. We bonding over trauma by spamming each other with memes and food videos. There was a sickening feeling in me as a message came in from the class group- from her and I realised I couldn't view her online status so I blocked her, and deleted her number.

Sighing, I retreated to Instagram- reels had begun to trend so I got lost in them for a while, and then there was a post that got my attention.

A post about a tribe that made their lesbian girls get raped by men as punishment for their sinful ways. I took a screenshot and sent it to the group chat- forgetting about Adesuwa for a moment.

Isn't it funny that they are making their daughters get "raped" by men? Won't it make them despise the male gender and never have straight thoughts? I wrote as a caption.

It took less than a minute before several replies came in.

The first was from Nekpen.

Abi. He wrote. Those people are mad sha.

Which one is they're mad? Mary replied instantly. Who sent them to be lesbians? Irritating people. How would you see a man as a woman and choose another woman? Or a man will see women and be liking men. Do you see animals doing that rubbish? Yet we humans claim to be higher in IQ and shit.

Her response wasn't like her. Her response was accusatory- a shade thrown towards Nekpen because they were not on good terms at that time.

There were a lot of other comments, both in support and opposition to the picture but I replied to Mary.

You're only saying this because you don't know the emotional trauma attached to sexual assault. Not even rape which is the most painful. I'm talking about being touched inappropriately. Would you like it if an agbero made a pass at you? Like only a comment- they don't touch you at all o. They just made a sexual comment about your body.

Adesuwa's response hit me like lightning. It was so fast, so unexpected and painful. Till then we had taken to ignoring each other but she responded.

Why are you insulting my friend? She's right, who sent them to be lesbians? It's just like somebody who allows boys to touch and see her body and is complaining when they ask for nudes.

Gay people should burn in hell jàre. Darasimi said.

Broooooo, It was Ivie that responded. Those are two different scenarios. Even if a girl is doing ashawo and doesn't want to send nudes so what??? If you've never been sexually assaulted before, just be quiet.
And you Darasimi just shut up. Don't even talk. I won't be surprised if you become a rapist.

Ivie what did I to do you now? Darasimi sent, including a sighing emoji.

Ivie was angry I could tell. She didn't know what had transpired between Adesuwa and I but she could sense the tension and was mad at Adesuwa's response because she messaged me later on saying: Why do I feel like the argument isn't just about the rape thingy?

I agree. Clarisse said. It was the first time she texted on the group chat. Sexual assault should never be treated that way. You don't know what it feels like so don't talk.

Did you get raped? Adesuwa's response was mocking. They are lesbians, their actions brought about what happened to them. If you know your mother is a mad woman would you do things to offend them? Those girls are from cultured places and they're still waving one useless LGBT flag. If they get raped, na them sabi.

That's like saying because somebody wears short skirts and crop tops all the time means she should get raped, I responded.

She's the one that made men look at her that way so it's her fault if she gets raped. She replied then threw a shade towards me. The same thing applies to somebody who is always flirting with guys and doing rubbish and is complaining when they ask for nudes or talk bad about her because she refused to send her nudes.

Abi o! Mary said, hailing her.

See this one, Ivie responded with mock gusto. Are you not the one that was kissing boy inside one corner the other day? The statement was directed at Mary- jokingly, but also in an angry way. Mary responded with a skull emoji.

The day one of you guys are sexually assaulted, you will be telling a different story. I don't give a fuck about the raging issue on LGBT vs. Homophobia but this doesn't make sense. No one, irrespective of their moral and political standings deserves to be abused. I typed that, with finality in my text.

Nekpen replied to this. Don't mind them, I pray you guys get raped one day.

Haba!!! That was the response of about five people. Kamsi, Ivie, Darasimi, Clarisse, Mary and I.

@Tiara why the fuck are you praying for me and my friend to get raped? Adesuwa tagged me on the GC. You're so insensitive and stupid. You'll be saying things and not think for once that you're in the wrong or think about people's feelings.

What the fuck?! I responded.

Biko, when did she pray for Mary to get raped? It was Kainye that said this. I was surprised he even bothered to say something on the group chat. Why aren't you attacking Nekpen who said it? Why is it just Tiara?

Guyyyyy. Ivie sent it with a laughing emoji. Is it only me that is reading deeper meanings to dis shiii?

You're the insensitive one. You are the one who isn't considering people's feelings. How can you as a woman be in support of rape just because members of the LGBT are being affected? Nobody is attacking you if you're homophobic but that's just out of it! If you don't support LGBT, fine! We all agree that it is against our cultural and religious beliefs in Nigeria. But why should you be indifferent to such an act? I typed the message in anger- not directed towards her but at the situation.

There's nothing wrong with having a different opinion. She shot back. Me and Mary is entitled to our own opinion. You have no right to insult us.

Mary and I are entitled to our own opinion, Ivie corrected her.

Wait ooooo. It's now I'll start to insult. This is pure madness. You're fucken delusional. Who insulted who? Who called who stupid and insensitive?

See fight... Kamsi typed out.

Mind your business, don't let me start with you. Adesuwa threatened him.

Go and sleep. Kamsi was rude and dismissive. Even though he told me that they had moved past their fight, I knew he was still angry.

Exactly!!! Kainye said. Again, he took me by surprise as he was still responding to what was happening on the chat. You started insulting her first. She had an argument with Mary, not with you. What was your business? Mary isn't even taking it personally. Tiara wasn't taking it personally. Why are you now bringing your own to it?

I'm not bringing my own to it. She said in defence. I'm just defending my friend. She has no right to insult my friend.

What's your problem? Ivie asked. If you have beef with Tiara, sort it out with her. Everyone knows you guys haven't been talking so there's no point coming here and using what she sent to the group chat as an excuse to insult her. Which one is you're defending your friend? Did Mary ask you to defend her?
Mary you sef isn't Tiara your friend? We all know that you saying what you said is because you're angry at Nekpen for telling somebody about you know what so you wanted to offend him by making such a comment about LGBT.

So you're supporting her? You and Kainye. I'm sure Adesuwa couldn't believe her eyes. That Ivie would take sides with me.

I'm just defending my friend. Ivie quoted her.

Those words brought pain and a sickening joy to my heart.

I wanted to ask Adesuwa, "You're just defending your friend? Wasn't that what we were?" Then I knew our friendship was already in the past but this feeling of joy made me feel a little whole.

If anything, Ivie and Kainye were willing to discard their friendship with another person because of me. Then, I didn't know Clarisse would also do the same, but much later, I knew that she was like them and like me. Three of us were broken, three of us wanted to be whole so we tried completing each other but for me, I just couldn't be.

Glossary:

Baba Iwalewa: Yes, as I wrote earlier, it means Iwalewa's dad. I just want to explain why Tiara's mom will call her husband that. Nigerian middle age and elderly people often call others by the name of their first child (adding a prefix like daddy (baba <yoruba>) (papa<Igbo/a few other tribes), iya (mummy) etc as a sign of respect. They rarely call each other by their names eg, Laura, and Anne once they're married and have children.