Chapter 14

The Past

Kainye

*

Clarisse didn't wear a blazer since we resumed for SS3 first time. It was only then I realized she hadn't been wearing long sleeves too often during the park. Her arm was hardly bare and when it was, the red welts that appeared sometimes were completely gone. I was curious, and I wanted to ask her if her aunt was mistreating her even though it was hard to believe. Her aunt seemed to treat her like she was her daughter- scolding when necessary, being firm with her but knowing when to be flexible but at the same time, something was off about her.

I knew I liked Clarisse but what I couldn't tell was whether it was just an infatuation or something deeper than that because my subconscious was making me think about Tiara more than I normally would. Without knowing, I would compare and contrast the both of them- they were really similar, only that Tiara was more mean to people.

Clarisse and I didn't go to the park later on. Instead we took a walk in the estate, going through streets and trying not to get lost one evening. We both had lots of homeworks to do but we were lazy and decided to waste our lives. 

I wanted to tell her I liked her a lot and didn't want to be her friend but something more but there was this feeling inside of me that gnawed at my chest. This sinister voice that whispered Tiara's name in my head and there was my conscience telling me to get myself together. I wanted things to be forever platonic between Tiara and I, but why did I keep thinking of her and her wise words?

I checked on my sister and told mother I was going out before I left the house. Kainene was sound asleep. Her forehead was warm and her breathing was even. She seemed so at peace- like an angel at rest but when I got close to home thirty minutes later- hands locked with Clarisse, there was chaos everywhere.

Sirens wailed in the distance, I could see the red and blue lights flashing against the reflective glasses of houses, Clarisse and I looked at each other with piqued curiosity. With a shrug, I pulled out my phone from my pocket to be greeted with several missed calls from Tiara. My phone must have been on silent mode.

There were also several messages from her, one of which read, "Is everything okay? Idk why but I have this weird ass scary feeling relating to you."

Heavily sighing, I quickened my pace to see what was going on. It was rare to hear sirens in Nigeria except when police men let the sound ring on just to avoid traffic- even when there was no emergency.

There weren't police vans when I got home, but there was an ambulance. My sister was laid on a stretcher, being carried my two women. A man was opening the back of the ambulance while my mother and father were screaming at each other, passing blames. She looked paler than she had ever been. 

Clarisse gasped beside me then placed her hands on my shoulder as we approached my parents with calculated steps. "What happened?" I asked. Fear enveloped me when my mother raised her bloodshot eyes at me and fell onto her knees. 

"Why was it not me?" Tears glistened her face. My father's face was stony, I could feel the anger emanating from him.

"Yes. Why not you?" He whispered harshly.

I didn't have to be told Kainene was going to die before I knew it.

  *+*+*+*+*+*+*

Kainene's death made me feel emotions I couldn't comprehend. I knew she was going to die but the confirmation was something I didn't look forward to, so when it happened I could only wish I felt as numb as my skin.

My heart wrenched like a wet clothed being drained of water. It hurt more than it should have even though I was guilty of nothing. If I had stayed home and watched over her, nothing would have changed. She would have died in her sleep like she did- it was bound to happen after the incident with camphor balls. For some reason, I knew she wouldn't make it even if the ipecac syrup had helped as first aid, I just wished I hadn't pushed the thought at the back of my mind. 

I blamed my parents for not treating her like they should have. My brain was disoriented and could barely process anything that had happened.

Her funeral was a few days later, friends of parents were present. Staff who represented the school- Tiara's mother who was the P.A to the proprietress and the administrator were present so was Kainene's class teacher to offer the conventional sympathy that the rules of socialization considered a must. Tiaraoluwa and Clarisse were present at the funeral service and had to stand a far distance from the grave. Clarisse's guardians and Tiara's mom stood with mine, offering words of consolation and advice to her. My father had long disappeared.

When the graveside was empty, the sky was as gloomy as the day was for me. Small droplets of rain fell from the sky, but not enough to wet my clothes until lightning struck her grave. I didn't flinch, somehow I wished the lightning could respect her dead body and kill me instead. The droplets of water increased rapidly, the sound of whooshing rain and thunder travelled through the air. The wind was harsh and the heavens poured buckets down- it seemed like a blessing and a curse.

Blood from my arms dripped on the ground beside her grave, the soil was covered in red rain water, and the base of the grey concrete that had her name was splashed with dirt. The blade I used fell from my hand, disappearing into the mud. There was tranquil, just me and the rain. I wished I could stay there forever. 

The rain washed away my tears, allowing salt like water to enter the corners of my mouth. It was comforting but not as comforting as when I felt a hand rest itself on my back. Reflexively, I pulled down the sleeve of my black shirt and turned round. 

The voice was barely audible but I heard it well. "We've been looking everywhere for you."

Tiara trembled in the cold as she squatted to be at the same level as I was. She offered a smile and held my face with her two hands, "It's going to be okay."

Clarisse arrived at that time, I could swear she stopped for a brief moment to take a deep breath. She wiped her face with her hands and squatted. Her eyes sneaked a peek at Tiaraoluwa's hand on my face so gently I removed it trying to put a smile on my face. 

Tiara gave a small smile looking between Clarisse and I. 

"Your mom's worried," Clarisse finally spoke- very loudly. Her voice shadowed the rumble of thunder overhead.

"Yeah? No shit." I scoffed in disgust.

Tiara's eyes became glued to the ground then slowly she looked up at me and said, "I understand now, but..." She gave a sigh looking at Clarisse. "Later."

The red was not so visible anymore, the rain had washed away majority of it and I was glad that Clarisse had not seen it. If she did, she said nothing. "Let's go," I sighed, sending a glance to Kainene's grave.

In that moment, I felt it more than I ever had, that a huge piece of me was missing. An irreplaceable piece.

*+*+*+*+*+*

The next day, on a Sunday, I went to Clarisse's house to escape the madness going on at my house. My father came home the night before, drunk to stupor and beat up my mum before he passed out. This morning, they were at it, passing the blame on whose fault it was that Kainene was more.

I stared at my parents in anger and gave them a piece of my mind. "She's gone. What good does it do to pass the blame? If only you paid more attention to her than your fucked up marriage none of this would have happened."

My father slapped me hard but my cheeks didn't sting. I gave him a death stare and stormed out of the house- my dog Raphael following me. Taking deep breaths and practicing smiles to remove traces of grief and lack of sleep, I raised my hand to press the doorbell.

The gate to her house was open and almost immediately, Luna attacked me- she stood on her hind legs and used the ones at the front to rest on my shins. Her eyes offered her own form of condolence.

Unlike other times where she and Raphael chased each other, they walked solemnly into the compound, whining every now and then and conversing in dog language. I met Clarisse watering the ornamental shrubs, there was another guy there- helping her out. 

"Hey," I called out. Both heads snapped in my direction, Clarisse smiled and dropped the watering can. 

"I wasn't expecting you," she said jogging over. "How have you been?"

"Good," I shrugged. The boy or man was staring at me intently so I raised my eyebrows at him before turning to Clarisse. "Who's he?"

"A family member," she rolled her eyes. "Do you want to come in?"

"Sure," I shrugged.

My heart was palpitating against my chest greatly. It was like the bass drums at school that was the loudest amongst the set of drums the school band played along with the anthems. I didn't feel so comfortable around her- maybe because I was infatuated. 

When I was alone with Clarisse, I became conscious of things I wasn't usually conscious of. My breathing, the way I walked and comported myself and amongst others. She held my hand and I froze for a moment. It didn't feel natural, it was like something from a dream. Something that wouldn't happen.

I didn't really understand my feelings anymore. Throughout the night, I pictured Tiara's face only a few inches from mine as she held my face. I imagined what it would have been like if she had kissed me and that felt wrong but good at the same time. I was too comfortable around Tiara, our friendship had grown to that point that we could stare at each other for hours without blushing- I couldn't stare at Clarisse for up to five minutes without blushing.

"Do you like Tiara?" Clarisse asked out of the blue. She seemed to be reading my thoughts.

"No," I said- almost with ease. I was quite surprised at myself. My conscience nagged me- you were thinking of her moments ago. "You mean that type of like right?"

"Yeah," she shrugged as we walked up the stairs. "Yes- nevermind."

"We are always like that," I chuckled. "It's kind of like a brother and sister relationship, y'know?"

"Hmm," she muttered. "Welcome to my room?" 

"Nice," I said looking around as I stepped in.

The walls were painted pink and the bedspread was white, the pillows were pink and so was her blanket.

The cupboards, wardrobes and drawers, were white, with knobs of pink. It was very cozy. "Pink's your fave colour?" I asked her.

"Nope, I wanted red and white."

I snorted, trying to conceal laughter. "This place would look like a babalawo's shrine."

"That's what my aunt said!" Clarisse exclaimed. "How come no one thinks of native deities and juju when people wear white and red for Christmas?"

Faster than I could blink an eye, she shoved a framed photo into a drawer but I decided not to ask.

"It's mostly red and green or gold and white. Plus Christmas is different."

It was her turn to snort, "Whatever you say."

"Have a seat," she said, patting her. She went to the foot and left it slightly ajar then proceeded to take a seat at her reading table.

I glanced towards the door.

"Are you sure it's okay for me to be in your room?" I asked. "Your cousin or your aunt won't mind?" 

"Yeah—"

"Dele told me that—" a different voice cut into our conversation. Clarisse's aunt stepped into the room at that moment. "I see," she muttered. She didn't make any comment but sent a tough glare towards Clarisse while making sure the door stayed widely opened and wedged in place before walking away. 

"She was supposed to be at church," Clarisse shrugged, turning to face me. "How are you?"

"I'm okay," I said. 

"You sure?"

"Yes," I smiled.

"Do you know what went on between Tiara and Adesuwa?" She asked after a minute of silence. "They're argument was obviously not about the LGBT thing."

"Well, not really," I shrugged. "I sha know they're not talking. Remember what Ivie said? That Adesuwa should sort out whatever beef she had with Tiara."

"Yeah. Do you think she was throwing a shade when she said it's just like someone who is always flirting with guys and doing rubbish and is complaining when they ask for nudes or talk bad about her because she refused to send her nudes?" I asked.

"Maybe. Remember Tiara said she hates relationships 'cause they cage you. What if Adesuwa knows someone that Tiara had something to do with?"

"Right. Although I don't really know much about Tiara's deals with guys because she obviously doesn't do it in school. Plus she doesn't really talk about it. I just hear rumours from people who know people."

Chapter Glossary:

Babalawo: Ideally, a babalawo is a Yoruba traditional herbalist but it can also be used to refer to a traditional worshipper that holds rites and rituals for people (good or bad. Sometimes they perform rituals that involve killing of humans and invoking evil spirits). A babalowo's shrine is characterized by numerous small statues of deities, white, red, black or brown coloured fabrics (depending on the gods the babalowo serves). The shrine often looks a bit scary and us seen as sacred.