Chapter Nineteen
The Past
Kainye

Tiara was hard to understand.

On Wednesday when I was back to school (the most awkward day of my life), she was in my class, holding my hands and comforting me; telling me to stop cutting myself but what threw me off was when she told me she understood the off satisfaction it brought.

I had noticed a bruise on her neck and for a second was terrified. Did she do that to herself and if so why? My mind screamed the word I so desperately wanted to ignore: suicide. Just when I decided to ask her about it, she changed the topic and Clarisse walked in— exactly what I wasn't looking forward to.

Often, I wondered if there was more to Tiara than she ever let on. She never cared about anyone or anything. She always remained unbothered by people's opinions about her; she had the meanest of comebacks to brutal insults thrown her way and although I'm not proud of her for this, but she was a bully (not like I'm any better— although I like to comfort myself with that fact that it was mostly Rita I bullied and not all the time). She didn't really care about people's feelings if they were not mine and it sort of threw me off (I did care about the feelings of others). I mean she was civil towards a few others; like Kamsi and Ivie— one could even argue they were friends but her relationship with them seemed to stop and laugh about jokes, mild gossip and academic problems. Other than that, she was as cold as ice.

I felt guilty that day because for a minute; when she kissed the scar on my wrist I allowed myself to believe that the rumours were true. That she liked me romantically and wouldn't care about my well-being if she didn't. Low-key it hurt to imagine it and I wasn't sure why I cared if she liked me romantically because I did like Clarisse a lot more than I'd ever liked anyone.

"Hey," Clarisse said to us. "Hope I'm not interrupting anything." It sounded sarcastic.

"Does it look like you're interrupting anything?" Tiara rolled her eyes.

"I'm not sure," she shrugged, avoiding my eyes.

"Okay," Tiara said, making a move to walk out. I closed my eyes and prayed to God that something would make her stay and I wish the man above did not answer my prayers.

"I know you're probably mad at me," she said to Tiara. "But we should talk. Actually, all of us should. We... Are friends right?"

"About?" Tiara crossed her arms.

"Um, I know that you know," Clarisse said to Tiara then paused, sending a tight smile my way. "and I want you to know that I know..."

"Okay..." Tiara prompted although I felt like she knew what Clarisse was going to say and boy was I right.

"I know you're not going to like this, but..."

"If you know that I know then go straight to the point." Tiara uncrossed her arms. "This is about Kainye's self-harm, isn't it?"

Rita walked in just then. Somehow I felt like she'd heard everything because of the odd look I got.

Clarisse

Sometimes I'm glad that I brought up Kainye's self-harm and we talked about it. Shouted at each other and other times I was not because somehow it put the spotlight on me and made me discuss things I was very uncomfortable with.

It was hard to face Kainye the day after he tried to kiss me but something my uncle said when my aunt had left me in my room crying about Clarence made me have a little bit of courage.

I know you're not going to talk to me about these things but I do hope you'll have someone to talk to because that's what you need. Nobody might be able to stop these things but it helps if someone is there to listen even when you don't want to talk.

I do admit it was a bit weird bringing it up and I was grateful for Tiara taking the word "Kainye's self-harm" out of my mouth. I was also grateful Tiara was able to misuse her power and allow us to have a bit of privacy to discuss it in the library but I was not grateful for how the conversation went.

The library was silent when we converged there during break; the librarian was away for some national service thing and only Tiara and Rita had the key.

"Are you guys just going to stare at each other awkwardly or should I say angrily?" Tiara asked, referring to Kainye's annoyance towards me. "Someone should break the silence."

"No need to. You already did," he said tight-lipped.

"Okay, Kainye we know you don't like people butting into your business and we know you're going through a tough time and that's exactly why we're butting into it." Tiara sat down on the librarian's chair. "Clarisse this is your cue to speak and please do not begin with 'um'. I know that's what you're going to start with."

"Okay, so, um..." I broke my sentence midway. She gave a small smile.

"Go ahead."

"I understand you're going through some stuff and it's hard to deal with, but it's not okay to take it out on yourself."

Kainye scoffed, placing his hands in his pocket. "This is weird to talk about."

"Why?" Tiara crossed her arms under her chest, inviting a challenge.

"Because..." Kainye threw his hands up in exasperation.

"Because what? We're Nigerians? Because Nigerians don't get depressed? Because we're supposed to be strong and suck it up? Because our parents have told us crying makes us weak or should not tell people about our problems?" She raised her voice, getting angry. "That is bullshit and I don't blame you. I blame the fucken society. Someone commits suicide they brush it under the carpet and say oh she didn't have enough faith in Jesus or Allah. A person speaks about depression and gets laughed out or is called an attention seeker or they say he or she is faking it or—

"You are a part of that society!" Kainye screamed. "What do you say about Chimankpa? When you and he had that fight over school fees and you heard he posted about being depressed what did you call him? A fucken attention seeker! This guy posts about being depressed and suicidal each time you say something mean to him and you call him that. Don't talk about society. Talk about you!"

Tiara said nothing to defend herself. She stared at him and smiled sadly.

"Let's not fight over this," I said. "Tiara's right and you're right but maybe society is what shaped Tiara into behaving like that. Maybe she hates herself and she feels better about taking it out or being mean to—

"¹Chill first." Tiara raised a hand to silence me. "I don't let society shape me. I do bad things and it's all me. I don't take out my anger on anyone to feel better. I just don't like the guy and others I'm mean to. I dislike their character. It's not because I hate myself."

¹(that's like saying "hold up now" on an argument.)

"I know, I'm just making an assumption..." I argued but was cut off by Kainye.

"So because you don't like them it's okay to be snobbish and make them feel like trash?"

"I never said it was okay," Tiara started. "I..."

"Just don't care," Kainye finished. "How badass of you."

"It is," she picked at her nail.

"Tiara you're not helping," I whispered, pleading with my eyes.

"I'm done with the conversation." Kainye walked towards the door. The pulled on it but it didn't budge. Tiara was cocky enough to smile and wave the key.

"I don't care about people," she swallowed hard and grit her teeth together like the words she was about to say were hard. "But I care about the two of you. I'm aware that it's wrong to be a bitch to other people and frankly, I don't give shit! I'm sorry but I won't lie to you. You two are my friends. I know I am a part of the society that has made people feel like their problems are not worth discussing but believe me when I say I'm here to listen to you. I know that you go through stuff and I want what's best for you but I agree with Clarisse, we should talk about this."

"Kainye you have every right to be mad at me and say you refuse to confide in me, but not Clarisse. I've been your friend for years and have done nothing to stop you from harming yourself but not Clarisse. She fucken brought it up, she changed the rules of the society for you! She wants you to talk about it because she knows it helps."

"Why are you just attacking me?" Kainye sighed. "You want to talk about problems abi? Tiara tell me how you understand why I self-harm. Tell me why there's a healing cut on your neck. Tell me why it looks like you wanted to commit suicide?"

"Kai—" he cut Tiara off and I wish he didn't.

"Or you Clarisse. Tell me why it looks like your aunt beats you for no reason. Or why it looks like your aunt is starving you?"

"I thought I was the only one who noticed," Tiara mumbled just as the key turned in the lock. Someone had opened the library door from outside. It was Rita.

"Oh, you're even here this girl." She shut the door behind her and walked towards Tiara. "Is everything alright with you guys?" She asked innocently but deep within, I felt like she knew.