Chapter Twenty-Five
The Past
Kainyechukwuekene

Clarisse seemed to be avoiding me that same Monday. It was not like I necessarily wanted to talk to anyone- I just needed a conversation to something to keep my mind off the divorce papers left on the dining table that morning. I went to her class to say hi but she left through the back door as soon as we locked eyes and when I had made a move to take a seat next to her in the biology lab, she had lied that Ivie had asked her to save a seat for her.

Tiaraoluwa however was as normal as she could ever be. I told her about the divorce papers and she said something only her would say.

"Isn't it better than them fighting all the time?"

Thinking about it, she was right. There would be no screams or sounds of glass shattering against the wall in the middle of the night. There won't be anyone coming home drunk and beating up the other but still, their divorce didn't sir right with me. Once I had wished for it to happen but now as I faced the reality, I realized things could get ugly.

My mom did not have much of her personal savings so if she were to agree to it, she was probably going to fight to take half of my father's properties. They were also going to have a fight over custody of me. I knew my dad would not want to have to take care of a teenager— hell he acted like he didn't care about my existence.

My mom was also pregnant. I wondered how all of it was going to affect her pregnancy. Would she abort the baby or keep it? If she kept it, people would gossip about her and it would seem to the public as though they had gotten a divorce because she was promiscuous.

"Clarisse seems to be avoiding me," I said to Tiara.

"Oh," she muttered. "Did you do something wrong?"

I got annoyed at the statement. "Why would you assume I did something wrong?" I scoffed, stopping in my tracks.

As usual she remained unfazed by my outburst. "You're human. You're bound to make mistakes or offend people without realizing it."

"And she's human," I retorted. "Maybe she's the one who did something wrong."

"Did she do something wrong?" She raised her brows.

"No, I..." I trailed off, trying to calm myself.

"Then maybe you did," she shrugged. "And if you care so much that she's ignoring you then find out why she's ignoring you."

I said nothing so she continued, "You might be overthinking it. Talk to her or something. If you're scared to know what you did wrong then just apologize without reason. Tell her you're sorry for whatever reason it is she's ignoring you."

"Would you do that if someone ignored you."

She sighed. "Mostly I don't give a fuck if someone does but I guess if I like the person I might be curious and find out or—"

"Be a proud bitch and forget about them."

"Yep," she smiled.

I thought about it as we walked down the stairs together. To figure out what it was I'd done wrong so I would not have to hear it from Clarisse. I thought about the times we spent together, if there had ever been moments between us that were tense other than when we had a talk in the library.

"Fuck," I muttered just as I remembered what it was she might have been avoiding me because. "I tried to kiss her," I blurted out.

"Oh," Tiara's eyebrows shot up.

"Twice."

"What was her reaction the first time?"

"She pushed me back," I shrugged. "I thought maybe she saw our parents 'cause she was facing the door when it happened."

"You guys got caught huh?" She muttered. "You think she's mad because of that?"

"No. We talked after that." I paused fora while. "The second time it was just us and she didn't ..."

"Maybe she didn't feel comfortable."

"Or maybe she doesn't like me."

"It could be that," Tiara shrugged. "Have you told her how you feel?"

I thought about it and realized I hadn't. I gave her hints which she seemed to reciprocate but there had never been any deep conversation talking about feelings. Hell, I did not even know how to start one.
I did not know the basis of a romantic relationship. "Not exactly," I sighed.

"Maybe you should. If she doesn't reciprocate them the I'm sorry. That's all I can say."

"Right. It doesn't matter anyways."

It didn't matter because I was a hypocrite— I did not even know how deeply I liked Clarisse. Was it just an infatuation? Was I maybe stricken by her beauty and mannerisms?
I admit, I wanted to be with her, wanted her to reciprocate what I had for her while trying to push Tiara to the back of my mind.

It did not matter because I knew I could not handle a relationship, I had no example of how I was supposed to treat a person in a relationship— maybe I was to do the exact opposite of my dad. I was scared of romance and friendship, I was terrified of losing everyone and the only way to avoid that was to let go of everything.

My selfishness refused to allow me.

Clarisse

There was a particular Monday that was one of the most hectic days of my life. As I write this, it feels like it is happening.

My hunger pangs were getting worse each day, my uncle would coerce me to eat while my aunt would always resort to violent threats. I would eat the food and make use of a laxative to get it out of my system. I would work out till my body was completely sore- I knew I had lost weight but I hated the loose skin of my stomach and how my arms were beggining to sag. It was the genesis of a new insecurity and Dele was sure to point it out.

"You're looking like a middle aged woman already," he'd snort whenever I passed by on short sleeves or dresses so I began to wear loose pants and hoodies once more. Or anything that did not show my body in anyway.

I went to bed Sunday night after a heavy meal and throwing it all up once everyone had gone to sleep.

My alarm did not wake me on Monday- a nightmare did.

Dele had been in my room; forcing my clothes off me but suddenly I did not see his face anymore. It was Kainye. He had the satisfied smile of the devil. Ready to destroy me. I'd been mortified and uttered his name once, "Kainye."

My eyes shot open. At first all I saw was the POP ceiling. I tried to stand up; to make myself comfortable but it felt like I was pinned down. That was when I saw my dad standing in front of me; at least it was his face I saw. The body did not have the a slight middle aged pot my dad had. It was slim, with cuts here and there- like Kainye's.

The figure in front of me wore boxer shorts, "If you don't give it to me willingly, I'll take it by force." The voice was feminine in nature but still cold enough to send chills down my spine. I tried once more to lift my body from the bed but it proved impossible. Breathing became difficult- my airways felt stuffed. Cold beads of sweat broke out on my face, I could feel the muscles and bones in my body becoming more rigid as time went by- as if it was bracing itself for torment to come.

Attempting to close my eyes was in vain. I lay there like a rock staring at what seemed to be Kainye but also my father.

"Clarisse!" It was Dele's voice. I was able to move just then but my body was still stiff. Everything I had seen previously had faded away into nothing. The only reality I faced at the moment was Dele actually standing in my room.

"Your school bus has left o," he announced. "I've been calling you since."

"Oh." I wondered why aunt Tobi had not come herself to wake me up- probably with a cane. "You can leave." I chose not to pull the covers off me and make an attempt to stand up- feeling very insecure in my sleeveless, somewhat sheer nightgown and with Dele in my room. "Can you leave?"

He made a move to pull the covers off me but I stopped him just in time, hugging the weighted blankets to my chest.

"Did you sleep naked?" He leaned over me dangerously.

"Dele please, no. Just leave." Tears were threatening to spill down my cheeks. They were already sitting at the corners of my eyes. My body trembled slightly.

"Please what?" He yanked the covers off me- I almost fell off in the process but he held me in place. He was still leaning over me but now he sat on the bed. His hands slid up my night gown unapologetically- he had that smile that I had seen in my dream.

I held his hand to stop him but he used his free hand to hold me back. The scream in my throat was stuck- no sound could come out of my mouth at that moment no matter how badly I wanted to.

"Clarisse! Are you not going to school?"

Never in my life had I been so glad to hear the voice of my aunt.

Dele retracted his hands and ran out: my aunt's voice has been a bit distant so it was quite obvious she has been downstairs while she called my name.

It was hard to push all the ordeals of my morning away but nonetheless I did- standing up in great haste and dashing to the bathroom. My heart palpitated greatly against my chest. Nausea opened it's door within me and soon I was retching the nothing within me. Just water with tints of red occasionally.

"Are you okay?" Aunt Tobi was at the door of my bathroom. I could hear her voice clearly. "Mi o fẹ ko fall sick o."

*I don't want you to fall sick.

"This one that you're throwing up. I hope it's not what I think."

I said nothing.

"Be fast. I will drop you off at school as I'm going out."

*+*+*+*+*+*

I avoided Kainye like the plague at school- not like he made much attempt to talk to me. He looked worse than he had been when his sister had died but my selfishness allowed me to ignore it.

As I was leaving school, Kainye was waiting for me where my school bus was parked. He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"I feel like I've done something wrong. So I wanted to say I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I said, stepping back nervously. "Um the bus would soon leave."

"Alright," he sighed. "Bye."

I had barely taken two steps into the compound (when I got home) when I threw up blood.