Chapter Forty Five: Shared Guilt
Sophia Crawford

"It's been a while since I saw the two of you." Oliver says, not even hiding the fact that he was surprised to see River and I entering the gym on a weekend.

I was just surprised that Oliver was here on a weekend.

I turn to look at River, and give his hand a reassuring squeeze.

"I guess I'm ready to talk." River says. "I need to talk about every single thing."

Oliver nods, gesturing for the two of us to sit down.

I sit down next to River and I hear him inhaling deeply beside me.

Oliver sat across from us, throwing his foot over his one leg.

"It's no surprise that I was put in support group because I was dealing with some shit." River starts, chuckling at his choice of words. "Uh, but I'm ready to tell you what really happened to me, and not the rumours that has been spreading around for a while now."

Oliver nods, waiting for River to go on while I tried to stifle a cry of my own.

What happened to River and his family was terrible, but I'm so relieved that he's ready to let go of his past, to move on from what's hurting him.

It will be difficult, but I will be by his side like he has been on mine.

"My family has been murdered." He says, forcing out the words.

Oliver's eyes widens just a little bit. He clearly didn't expect that to come out of River's mouth. Although Oliver was shocked to the core, he kept listening to River and what he wanted to say while I held tightly onto River's hand. He didn't even interrupt River when he took a small break to take a breather.

"My dad was an abusive drunk who decided that enough was enough. He abused me first, for years without end." He continued. "But he got tired because I got so used to the beatings he used to inflict on me." River's shoulders slumps and he releases a deep breath. "And then he moved on to my younger brother Beck, and then my mom. I guess he got tired of having a family, so he decided to, uh, murder them." There was a long pause before River lets go of my hand to open a page of Beck's notebook. "I have a poem I'd like to share, it was written by my brother. Uh, I-, uh-"

I saw River's hands start to shake as it was holding the notebook, but I take it from him, pressing my finger to the first line of Beck's poem.

My lips were quivering as I started to read the first line of the poem written in Beck's beautiful handwriting. "Light blue oceanic eyes are filled with unshed tears, trying to keep me in the dark of what was happening around me." I pause, feeling that first line hit me like a football player being tackled by its opponent.

I swallow hard, looking at River, but his eyes were glued to his folded hands in his lap, clasping and unclasping it every so often to keep them from shaking. He was trying to compose himself, trying to keep the tears at bay, but they finally started to roll down his cheeks when I decided to continue reading the poem.

"Pink, rosy cheeks are covered in purple bruises underneath all that make-up.

Small arms are covered with fingerprints, hiding underneath a sweater in the middle of summer. And a smile is hiding underneath a muffled sob."

When I read the last sentence of the poem, I feel tears of my own running down my cheeks. I couldn't even begin to imagine what Beck and his mom went through. And River... He tried to hide the abuse for years, trying to protect his younger brother and his mother, but they endured the abuse too without River knowing it because they hid it so well from him, just like he hid it from them.

"I didn't know what was happening until it was too late." River finally says, taking the notebook from my hands. "I thought it was a bully of some kind, but it was my dad this entire time. He moved onto them next and I wasn't there to protect them."

Oliver was silent the entire time, and when I focused hard enough, I saw that his cheeks were tearstained too.

"Do you blame yourself for not being there when your father started to abuse them too?"

River didn't hesitate when he nodded.

"You shouldn't." Oliver says simply. "What happened to your family wasn't your fault. Your dad's at fault here, River. You couldn't have known that it would happen."

Oliver had sympathy written all across his face.

"That's why I'm here." River says, closing the notebook. "I'm here because I need some advice to let my past go. I'm tired blaming myself each and every day for what happened to them. I'm tired of being angry all the time... I just need the pain to end. I can't do this anymore. It's going to drag me down."

"I have a feeling you already know what I'm about to say, don't you, River?"

River nods again. "In order for me to let go of everything, I need to forgive him for what he did."

Oliver nods. "But you can only do that if you're truly ready to forgive him, River."

"I know." River sighs, raking his fingers through his hair. "I think I'm ready to let everything go. I can't rewind the time and I can't bring them back. I have to do this before it's going to drag me down... along with him."

"It's going to be difficult looking at the man who abused you for years, and who murdered your family." Oliver says. "I'm not going to sugar-coat this."

"I know it is." River says. "He has taken someone very close to me, away from me. He's in jail, thinking about every single thing he has ever done in his life, and he probably regrets everything, which he should, but I am ready to close this chapter of my life. He's on his death bed so he's going to die soon, and I don't want to live with the hatred I have for him any longer."

"So you feel that in order for you to move on, you have to face him once more to tell him that you forgive him for what he did?" Oliver asks.

"I don't think I'll ever forget what he did, but I'm ready to forgive him although it's the most difficult decision I've ever made in my entire life."

Oliver nods, folding his hands in his lap. "I had to make a similar decision in my life." He says. "I had to forgive my mom for abandoning me and my little sister. She was an alcoholic, relied on alcohol instead of taking care of her two children and her husband, but when she went to rehab and came back, she asked for our forgiveness and I granted her that. I'm a firm believer that everyone deserves a second chance, it doesn't matter how hard it is to grant them that. If they're actually trying and they truly feel bad for their actions, then who am I not to forgive them?"

"Even though my dad's an abuser and a murderer?" River asks.

"Like you said before, he's in jail thinking about every bad thing he has ever done in his life. Maybe he's trying to make things right before he dies." Oliver says. "But don't get me wrong; what he did was sadistic and even cruel. You and your family deserved better, River, and I take my hat off for you who's willing to forgive him for what he did in order for you to move on with your life."

"Do you think I am a bad person for wanting to forgive him for what he did to me and my family?"

Oliver shakes his head. "No. You're not a bad person for wanting peace, River."

I think that is all we needed to hear today.

River deserves peace. He deserves to move on with his life and to forget about everything that has been hurting him in the past. He deserves to be happy.

"Okay." River releases a heavy breath. "I'm ready to let it all go."