Chapter Forty Six: Remnants Of Our Past
River Jenkins

"How are you feeling?" Sophia asks.

She had her one hand in mine while I drove to the one place I swore to never set foot inside ever again, but in order for me to forgive myself; I first have to forgive the man who caused this pain and suffering all these years.

Sophia's hand offered me some sort of calmness. It was just what I needed to get through today. The warmth of her hand calmed my racing heart and her gentle squeeze made me think about everything else but what I was about to do.

"Nervous." I tell her honestly.

"Don't be." She shakes her head. "You'll feel much better once this is done."

Oliver was right, in order for me to move on from everything, I need to talk to my father. I'm ready to put everything behind me. I'm ready to let go of the anger and the hatred I feel towards my father. I'm ready to let the old River go.

I nod at Sophia, loving how perfectly her hand fit in mine.

She's sitting beside me even after everything I have put her through. She was with me even after everything I have said to her. She was standing beside me when I was living through my darkest of days and she calmed me down when I wanted nothing more than to break down right in front of everyone. She was there for me when I needed her the most, and after this, I will be there for her.

She's here with me after everything. I owe her my life for that.

"When I'm done visiting my father, there's just one more thing on my list for today." I tell her. "Just one more thing to do and then this will be behind me."

I long for the peace I'm about to feel after I am done with today. I have longed to feel peace since my family have been murdered and now I will finally get it.

I'm just glad Sophia didn't bolt when she found out what happened. I'm glad she's still here because I don't think I could have done this without her. She's the main reason I survived through everything. I just wish she would know how much her support meant to me these past few months. It was too much to put into words.

"Sure." She smiles. "I'm proud of you, River. It takes a lot of courage to do this. I don't think anyone has a heart like you do to forgive the man who-" she sighs, shaking her head at herself, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring him up."

"It has no effect on me anymore." I reassure her. "I promised myself that I would let everything go today, including the effect my dad used to have on me."

"I know..." She says. "But you can still be upset about it. Not everything will disappear overnight. You had strong feelings about what happened so it would be understandable if you're still upset if someone brings it up."

"Being angry about it all the time isn't helping." I tell her, thinking about all the times I relied on fighting to get rid of my anger, but it only worsened things. "I thought that fighting would help me process things but it only hid what I felt."

"That's true." She nods.

"You were right, you know? Fighting my demons physically didn't help me at all. I have to face the actual demon in order to move on from everything. Talking did help."

"You remember?" She asks, looking at me surprisingly. "I thought you were too angry with me to listen to what I was saying to you that day."

"You reached out your hand and you pulled me out of the darkness. I can't thank you enough for saving me, Sophia. You really helped me so much. My past nearly ruined me."

"And now you're stronger than ever." She gushes.

The prison's building comes into view.

"Let's do this once and for all."

I squeeze her hand.

• • •

My father looked skinnier than the last time I saw him.

His hair started to fall out and his cheekbones were hollowed. There were deep dark circles underneath his eyes and his lips were chapped. He really was dying.

"There are a few things I need to get off my chest." I tell my father. "First, I will never forget what you did to me and my family. What you did to us fucking sucked and it ruined the only chance we had at having a normal family." I tug my hair frustratingly when I saw that his eyes started to fill with tears.

I lick my lower lip, tasting tears of my own on them. "I just needed you to be sober for one damn day, dad. I needed you to be a father to Beck and me. I needed you to be a husband to your loving wife. It broke me when you turned into that monster that relied on nothing more than his next bottle of whiskey."

I swallow hard and started to pace around the small room. "Secondly, I want to hate you for what you did. I did hate you, I really did, but I can't hate you anymore. I need to let go to this hatred I have for you in order to forgive myself. I need to move on from this before it's going to drag me down. I need to build myself a new life and I can't do that if this still lingers in the background."

I pause, inhaling deeply. "I was so confused for a long time. I never knew why you did what you did. I never knew why alcohol was more important than your two sons and wife... But I know now that it was the alcohol talking and that it had a big part in your life. I guess what I want to say is that I forgive you, dad. I forgive you for abusing me all these years. I forgive you for murdering Beck and mom... I forgive you for drinking more than you talked to any of us. I forgive you."

As the words left my mouth, that's when I started to feel it. Relief.

"I forgive you because I need to forgive you. I cannot keep living with this growing hate anymore because it's going to bring me down. They're gone." I shrug. "Mom and Beck is gone and what's done is done. But I forgive you. I forgive you for sending them to a place where no one can ever hurt them ever again. I hope you find some peace, dad. I hope you will find it someday."

The last thing I noticed when I backed out of my father's cell was that his cheeks were completely tear-stained and that his eyes were red-rimmed from all the crying.

My words had an effect on him.

When I left his cell completely, I left everything behind in that cell with him.

I finally let it all go.

The hatred I had for him was gone.

I forgave him.

I felt relieved.

"How did it go-"

I cut Sophia off when I planted my lips against hers. I kissed her long and hard and then I kissed her some more. When I pulled away, the two of us were a panting mess.

"I need to do one last thing before I can put it all behind me."

She nods only once. "Let's do it together."

• • •

Sophia Crawford

We arrive at the mountain not long after the visit to his father.

River had Beck's notebook clutched in his hand. "In order for me to let go of everything, I need to let go of this too." He says, lifting the notebook in the air.

He started to gather a few dry sticks and started to pile them onto each other so he can use them to make a small fire. He then takes out his lighter and lights the tiny branches up so that it catches on fire completely.

He opens Beck's notebook and rips the poem Beck wrote from the book.

He throws it into the fire and watch Beck's poem start to burn in the fire he made. He rips out more pages and throws them all into the fire, letting all the hurt and all the suffering go with each page he threw in the fire.

"The first time I ever caught you staring at me writing in the notebook was when I was doodling my mother and Beck's initials into the page." He nods to himself. "E was for Elaine. And B was for Beck."

"I remember."

"My mom was the kindest person in the entire world." River sniffles. "She loved Beck and me so much... She didn't deserve to be-"

I pull him into a tight hug. "Shh," I rub his back, comforting him, "you don't have to finish that sentence."

I pull away from him but I still held onto his hand.

"After their death, I felt the need to keep Beck's notebook because it helped me to remember them more, but after I saw my father the other day, it made me realise that the notebook was only making me remember the bad things he did to them. It made me forget the good memories. That's why I needed to burn the book. I need to let all the pain and all the suffering go."

The papers turned into ash right in front of us.

He was letting it all go today and that is exactly what he needed.

He rips out another page and watches it burn into ash. "I am letting go of all those years I have been abused by my father." He says, ripping out another page and throwing it into the fire. "I am letting my dad go." Another page. "And lastly I am letting their terrible deaths go too. I will only remember the good times now and not the bad ones." Another page. "I am letting go of the fact that I can't bring them back." He throws in the entire notebook.

As the cover of the notebook caught fire, River's shoulders slumped in relief. "I am done being this River." He says. "I will be better. I promise you, Sophia. I will be better for you only because you showed me how to be better."

Seeing him letting go of everything that has hurt him in the past, I smiled proudly at him. He was so strong and so brave for letting everything go.

That's when I realised that I haven't let everything that has hurt me go yet. I pull the ring over my neck and clutch the diamond ring in my palm. Although the ring brought me peace after Daniel has died in the accident, it has also reminded me of what I did, that I looked away from the road and crashed, but then Mrs Oakley told me what truly happened and that it wasn't my fault, but I believed that the accident was my fault for a couple of months, and when she told me that it wasn't my fault, I was relieved and heartbroken, but looking at the ring would always remind me of what I lost, and that I can't bring him back.

Even though the accident was not preventable, I still looked away, and for that I need to forgive myself.

Unpreventable things happen all the time.

I need to let go of my past too in order to move forward.

I need to let go of Daniel.

It was time I started to heal properly, too.

"Sophia..." River shakes his head slowly, seeming to notice what I was about to do. "It's important to you..."

I shake my head. "This ring is like what the notebook was for you." I explain, clutching the cool metal tightly in the palm of my hand. "I need to let it go in order for me to forgive myself for what happened. This ring is a reminder of what I did... so I am letting it go too, because I want to be better for you too."

Before he could open his mouth to protest, I throw the ring into the fire along with all the pages of River's notebook.

"I am letting Daniel go." I tell River. "I am letting what happened go."

River takes my hand in his and gives it a hard squeeze.

We watch the remnants of our past burn in the fire below us.

Everything that has ever hurt us in the past, and the guilt that gnawed on us when we felt the most vulnerable, it was all burning to ashes.

We will be happy without anything to remind us of our pasts, of what we lost.

We were making space for a new future.