WARNING: Mention of suicide and explicit content.

Eight Months Ago

Babygirl,

I miss you.

I miss you so fucking much.

I struggle to breathe every day, because you are the one who completed my air supply. Without you, it's a challenge for my lungs to function properly. I can't tell you the amount of times I broke down in a screaming, crying rage that ended in anxiety attacks.

The day you left was the day that l ceased to exist as a whole person. I know I said that I wanted you to go back to Australia because of a better life, but that was the only lie that I ever told you. Because I never wanted you to leave. I thought that you would decide at the end to stay of your own decision. But I guess I was wrong, and... I get it. I'm just another person in your life, right? Or, I guess I should have told you straight that I didn't want you to leave. But it's too late for that now, isn't it?

My heart aches and yearns for you every single day. I cry every time I think of you, of US. Babygirl, you were the best thing that ever happened to me. And I let you go. I let you fly away to stupid Australia.

Remember that day when you twisted your ankle during our run, so I had to carry you two miles until home? It wasn't an easy feat, since you're taller than me, but I didn't care. Not about my aching muscles, my exhausted lungs, my burning body. I only cared about bringing you back to safety.

Baby, you were the pillar of my existence. Your eyes... those beautiful, electrifying, oceanic eyes, holding the power of a thousand waves that wash over my mind and hold me a prisoner in its waters. Your beauty that contains the magnificence of a thousand sunsets. Your smile that would light up all the stars in the sky and outshine the sun itself.

I miss you so much, baby.

"Miss"... the constant feeling in my life since the day you left that never leaves.

I miss the soft and smooth feel of your skin. I miss tracing my kisses along your neck, your gorgeous breasts, your perfect stomach. I miss kissing the inner of your thighs until I reach your delectable area that is like ambrosia to my mind. Your moans are like the sweetest melody to my ears. When you scream my name while I'm fucking you, it sends ecstatic vibrations throughout my body. I miss watching and sensing your body tremble with pleasure as I make you come for me.

I miss when you would tuck my hair behind my ear and stare into my soul until I melt into a pool of boiling liquid. The soft brush of your lips as you whisper the dirtiest things. When you tell me "good girl" randomly throughout the day and it takes everything in my power to not let my legs give way.

You're the missing puzzle piece in my life, Julia. Without you, it's a pain to exist. I even thought of ending my life one day, because the pain was too excruciating for me to handle. When I pressed that knife to my arm and felt the stinging pain as its blade sliced through my flesh, it took away a tiny percentage of my pain with every single drop of blood which dripped from the cut. When I pressed the cold, blood-stained blade against the bulging vein in my wrist, the urge to slice it open and allow my pain and suffering to flow out in torrents was overwhelming. But then, your voice, your angelic voice that is like a gentle symphony to my ear, would penetrate my mind, and the will to live would once again rise in me. It's weird, since you're the reason why I'm attempting to end my life, yet at the same time you're the one preventing me from accomplishing it. Perhaps I'm pathetic and weak, but sometimes, the pressure and torment becomes too much to bear.

You're my one and only invaluable gem. And you always will be. No matter what happens in my life or whom I meet - if ever - you'll always be a part of me. My heart belongs to you, and to you only. Even though you were the one who broke it.

I hope this letter reminds you of what we had, and I hope you'll come back. And when you do, no matter what's going on in my life, I'll be your babydoll forever.

Love,
Audrey