Summary:

why were the demons inside his head louder than the voices of the four who loved him beyond anything he knew?

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Kai's phone was vibrating in his pocket. 

The black-haired omega in front of him heard the sound too and paused in his speech. He smiled at Kai while gesturing for him to receive the call. Kai shot him a grateful mumble of thanks before quickly checking who was calling. It was his boyfriend, Soobin. Well, one of his four boyfriends. 

"Kai? Where are you?" Soobin's voice cracked through the speaker of the phone for a second before it became stable. 

"Ah, I was just discussing about our project with Dongju-ssi," Kai said quietly back to him, glancing at the quieter omega who was looking around to distract himself. "Why did you ask, hyung?"

"We're going to Jin-hyung's restaurant for dinner," Soobin's voice was laced with the background noises of giggling– probably Taehyun and Beomgyu, Kai guessed from the sounds. "It's getting late so just meet us there, okay? Don't take too long and shoot me a message every now and then to let me know where you are!"

"Yeah, hyung, I'll be there," Kai promised. Soobin hummed and murmured a soft goodbye before hanging up and Kai turned to the petite omega in front of him. "Sorry for the interruption, Dongju-ssi..."

"It's okay," the boy smiled gently at him, his omega nature pushing through like always. "I'm assuming that you have to leave now?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry," the flustered beta bowed in apology but Dongju just laughed. 

"Don't be, it's okay," he smiled. "We will continue this tonight, then? I will message you the updates on the presentation."

"Yeah, I will make sure to check for it before going to sleep tonight," Kai promised. Dongju smiled and waved to him before leaving the brown haired beta alone near the campus gates. 

Kai heard the sound of the bus's horn and dashed towards the bus-stop to catch the vehicle before it left. Their favourite restaurant was two stops away from their university so Kai usually took the bus.

"Thank you so much!" He said to the person who had told the driver about him and made him wait till Kai entered. He made his way to one of the empty seats and plopped down on one. He looked out of the window, staring at the darkening sky. 

His mind automatically switched to his four boyfriends that were currently waiting for him in their favourite restaurant. He quickly pulled out his phone to shoot a text to Taehyun, his go-to person regardless of the fact that he had 3 other boyfriends too. 

Kang Taehyun was Kai's childhood friend. The omega had formed a close bond with the energetic beta in their elementary school and somehow, they had stuck together ever since. Kai fell in love with him around the start of high school but before he could confess, Taehyun had started dating Choi Beomgyu, the alpha who played basketball in their highschool team. 

It had broken his heart but Kai had known that there wasn't much hope in the first place. While the world had progressed and now accepted all sorts of relationships between even betas and omegas and betas and alphas, it was still not that common. And Taehyun would obviously go for the softest alpha he could find. 

The worst part was that Beomgyu was really nice. Kai couldn't even hate him or find any reasons as to why Taehyun shouldn't date him. He knew that Beomgyu was the perfect match for Taehyun and it made him feel miserable and lonely. But the alpha and omega were more perceptive than that and had found out about his feelings by their second year. 

But instead of pushing him away, the two offered him to join them. It was a very unexpected surprise for Kai but he realised that the two seemed to really like him as well and he agreed. And he was glad he did. 

The three of them were famous in their high school for being in a relationship of three people– an alpha, beta and an omega at that. But Kai learned to ignore them because Taehyun and Beomgyu loved him a lot and that was all that mattered. Kai fell in love with Beomgyu too, a few months after they started dating. 

It was when they had to choose a university that fear struck Kai for the first time. The other two knew which university they wanted; and Kai didn't have any clue about what he wanted to do as a career. But the two comforted and helped him; Kai decided to follow them to the university they were attending– at least he will have them there. 

They met Yeonjun and Soobin in their first year. Kai, Beomgyu and Taehyun had got an apartment having 3 bedrooms but the rent was a bit too much for them and they wanted roommates. Yeonjun and Soobin, who were dating, became their roommates. 

And then things escalated and somehow all of them were dating now. And Kai had somehow ended up with four boyfriends– more than he had bargained for but was still happy with. 

Kai was jolted out of his thoughts when the bus came to a screeching halt at his stop. He hastened to clamber down and crossed the road, his eyes trained on the yellow glow of 'The Abyss', their favourite restaurant. 

He could see his four boyfriends through the glass windows of the restaurant, all of them smiling and laughing and talking excitedly. 

The sight sent a small pang inside Kai and he felt overwhelmed. They all seemed to fit together so well, but sometimes, Kai wondered if he fit in too. If he was needed. If he went away, would he be replaced? 

Kai pressed down on the insecurities bubbling up inside him as he pushed the door to step inside the restaurant. Being the only beta in the group (Soobin was an alpha and Yeonjun was an omega), Kai felt a bit left out. Because there were things that only worked between alphas and omegas; betas worked best with other betas. 

"Kai!!" Yeonjun's loud laugh followed the drawled out name of the youngest boy as Kai siddled into his seat next to Soobin, who immediately wrapped an arm around his waist and tucked his head into the crook of Kai's neck. 

Despite his previous thoughts, Kai found himself relaxing in the elder's touch. He looked across the table to find Taehyun looking at him with softened eyes and Beomgyu plating up some food for him. 

He really shouldn't overthink so much...

✿

Kai woke up, startled. 

His room was shrouded in darkness and he knew that Soobin must have closed the curtains after he fell asleep. The clock on the nightstand showed 1:19 am and the apartment was silent. Kai couldn't remember why he woke up, but he felt unsettled... Probably a bad dream. 

He pulled the sheets off him and sauntered to the kitchen, getting himself a glass of water to calm down. He stayed there for a few minutes, eyeing the two other bedrooms. 

The omegas, Taehyun and Yeonjun, slept together in one room and the alphas, Beomgyu and Soobin slept in the other. Kai was the only one with a room to himself and sometimes he hated that but he knew that the arrangement was decided because the omegas nested and only when they were on their heats would they allow the other three to sleep in their room.

Beomgyu and Soobin were rooming to make their wolves like each other. As they were both alphas, it sometimes got a bit of a struggle for them to get their dominating sides in– they hoped to stop that by sharing a room. 

Kai liked sleeping with them. He loved it when the omegas went into heat or the alphas went into ruts... Those were the days he could stick to them without any reasoning. Unfortunately, he didn't have heats or ruts, which meant that he never had any excuse for wanting to constantly be by the four of them clingily. 

Kai sighed, placing the glass down and walking over to his bedroom. He was about to close the door behind him when he heard a door creak open. Kai stilled, wondering if someone else was also awake but then he heard footsteps and hushed whispers. The scent of strawberries and cream and bread and cinnamon invaded his nose very very lightly. 

As a beta, Kai's senses weren't as heightened as an omega's or an alpha's. They weren't bad, they were still sharper than most betas but it was still frustrating to not be able to smell or hear as well as the rest of his boyfriends. 

Kai knew that it was Yeonjun and Soobin who had stepped out from their rooms. Yeonjun smelled like strawberries and cream (Kai still hadn't figured out how someone could smell like cream, but that was the only thing that came to their mind when they had to describe Yeonjun's scent) and Soobin smelled like freshly baked bread and cinnamon. Together, they smelled like a delicious dessert in Kai's opinion. 

"Wait," Soobin said suddenly. Kai heard him sniff a bit. "I can smell Kai here... Do you think he's awake?"

Kai's heart lurched into his throat. He scrambled a bit towards his bed, and tucked under them, unsure if they would come and check. He pretended to be asleep for a few seconds. His door creaked open and Kai lay still, hoping that his breathing was even and not suspicious. 

"He must have woken up some time ago," Yeonjun's muffled whisper came from the doorway. "He's asleep now."

Soobin hummed in agreement and the door shut lightly behind them as they left. Kai opened his eyes slowly and carefully tilted his face slightly to make sure none of them were inside. His room was empty. 

Kai rushed to the door and cracked it open a bit. Yeonjun and Soobin's smell was lingering around his doorway and normally, it made Kai feel hungry and he started craving sweets but tonight, his insides were tumbling. Why were Yeonjun and Soobin up at this hour of the night...?

"...not like I wouldn't notice," Soobin was saying lowly but Kai caught it after straining his ears a lot. "I just didn't want the younger three to worry..."

"I know, Binnie, I'm not mad," Yeonjun's voice was reassuring, gentle. "I prefer it this way too... I wanted to talk to you about this. I have been so worried lately and it's stressing me out enough to take away my sleep..."

"Hyung, come here." 

Kai guessed that Soobin had wrapped Yeonjun in a hug. Whenever Yeonjun was down, Soobin wrapped himself around the older boy and told Kai to do the same. Physical affection made him feel better, Soobin had told him. 

"Is it because this is your final year?" Soobin's voice was gentle and soft and sleepy. 

"Mostly, yeah," Yeonjun sounded small. "But I'm also worried about Kai."

Kai's breath hitched. Him? Why was Yeonjun worried about him? Kai tried to lean in closer to make sure he doesn't miss anything but there was no more space remaining between him and the gap between the door and the wall. 

"Kai...?"

"Yeah, I don't know if you noticed but I smell distress on him now-a-days. Like, it's very, very faint and I would have missed it myself if he wouldn't have clung to me but I smelled it again today. Didn't you?" Yeonjun sounded really worried and Kai felt a bit pleased and worried because of that at the same time. 

"I did, but he didn't look distressed so I thought maybe it was because of the project he was talking about. I thought he would tell us if something is wrong...," Soobin's voice was calm but contemplative.

"I don't know, I feel like he's hiding something from us. And he's also distancing a bit from us, I think. Or maybe I'm just overthinking. Ugh, I don't know–"

Kai accidentally pushed the door shut with his fidgeting. He froze for a second, before the click registered in his brain and he quickly dived under his sheets again, his heart beating fast. He pulled the blanket over his mouth and shut his eyes as he tried to lay very very still. 

He heard the door opening again and then closing the next second. Was someone inside? Kai couldn't hear anything and he couldn't smell anyone either so he slowly opened his eyes. His room was still silent and shrouded in darkness. 

He could go and listen to them again but Kai didn't want to move his body. He was afraid of what he might hear. He was afraid that they might think of telling him to go away.

Because he wasn't putting enough into their relationship. Because he was hiding things. Because he just wasn't good enough. Because he didn't know anything and was a mess. Because he was Kai, and he overthinked and he slept with plushies because he wanted to hold the other boys but couldn't tell that to them and had to settle with stuffed cotton toys. 

Kai felt tears come up and he felt his body shaking as he tried to suppress them. He prayed that his distress signal wouldn't reach the others. Just like he couldn't smell their distress signals very well, they couldn't smell his unless they really focused on him. 

And that was his sole comfort as he silently cried himself to sleep.

✿

"...if you just did it last night," Taehyun was shaking his head at Beomgyu, scolding the older boy who was just making gooey eyes at him. Kai's hand tightened around his bag's strap as they walked down their campus to their next class. "You're an idiot. Kai agrees with me, right Kai?"

"Hm? Oh yeah," Kai put up a small smile and laughed when Beomgyu pouted at the betrayal. "Hyung, it's your fault you missed the assignment! Were you staring at Taehyunnie again instead of doing the homework?"

"No...," Beomgyu said in a small voice. "It was Soobin-hyung..."

"Yah, sometimes, I think that having four boyfriends is more problematic than having two," Taehyun shook his head, slipping his arm around Kai's and clinging slightly to the taller beta as they finally stopped near their class. "Learn to focus instead of just staring at us, hyung."

"But that's how I get inspired," Beomgyu whined slightly, rubbing both Taehyun and Kai's hands on his cheeks. Kai's eyes softened at the movement, seeing the way Beomgyu leaned into his touch. He lightly brushed his fingers over Beomgyu's cheekbones, wondering how the older boy always looked pretty when he whined and fluttered his eyelashes. To someone else, this was unbecoming of an alpha, but to Kai, it was simply one more thing to the list of things he loves about Beomgyu.

Beomgyu beamed at that and for a second, Kai saw his eyes flash with that immensely intense look he sometimes gave when his alpha felt possessive. Beomgyu's grip on Kai's  hand slightly tightened as he pressed a kiss on top of it. 

"You okay?" Beomgyu said in a low voice, a small gentle smile visible on his lips. "I thought you seemed a bit down today morning... Did something happen last night?"

Kai's mind flashed back to how he cried himself to sleep. He immediately put up a smile and shook his head. 

"Nah, I'm just sleepy," Kai reassured him. His eyes shifted to the people behind Beomgyu who were eyeing the two of them with frowns. Kai knew better than to care about close-minded people but he was already feeling sensitive so it really hurt him to see them look at them like that. 

These same people giggled and smiled whenever Taehyun and Beomgyu did anything together so why do they think that Kai shouldn't be with them just because he's a beta? You shouldn't care about people's opinions– Kai knew that, but it didn't make him care any less. We are a part of society and sometimes, fitting in with society is necessary if you want to be happy. 

Kai gently got his palm out of Beomgyu's grasp, hoping that the action would be considered normal by the older boy. He smiled at Taehyun and Beomgyu, who were both looking at him. "I'll go and grab our seats. Beomgyu-hyung, you should leave before you get late..."

"Yeah," Beomgyu watched Kai walk inside the classroom and shared a glance with Taehyun. "Did you smell his distress when I asked him if something happened last night?"

"I did," Taehyun confirmed, watching his childhood friend with concerned eyes. "I'm really worried... Do you think I should talk to him?"

"No," Beomgyu shook his head. "Not just you, all of us. We're in this together, Hyunnie. I know you're the most worried because he's more than your boyfriend, he's your soulmate and best-friend, but I feel like this has something to do with all of us. So let's get Yeonjun-hyung and Soobin-hyung and make sure that we talk to him, yeah?"

"Yeah," Taehyun nodded, smiling at the older alpha. "I'll shoot them a text after class?"

"Don't worry, I'll do it," Beomgyu pressed a quick kiss on Taehyun's cheek. "I have time till my class starts anyway. You go before Kai gets suspicious, yeah?"

"Yeah..."

✿

"A karaoke party...?" Kai was dumbfounded. 

Usually, his boyfriends wouldn't spring up surprise dates of any sort since Taehyun and Soobin usually liked to have everything planned beforehand. But the two of them were also looking at him expectantly as Yeonjun rattled off about how it will be fun and a much needed break for them all. 

"But hyung," Kai regretted the two words the moment they slipped past his lips. Taehyun became downcasted, Yeonjun's excitement drained out, Soobin looked blank and Beomgyu was frowning. "I, I really want to, I swear! But you just sprung it on me and I have to attend my drama class at that time; we are having extra classes because they're holding a play in two weeks and we need to rush over it as soon as possible..."

The other four probably smelled the sad waves of pheromones coming off him because they immediately rushed around him and hugged him, murmuring words of how it's okay and they can reschedule to another day. 

But another day was not in the looks; somehow, one or the other of the boys was busy for the next two weeks.

"You can go without me," Kai accidentally blurted what was swirling in his mind. The four boys stopped their frustrated chatter around the calendar to look at Kai incredulously. "I mean, I won't be able to join the karaoke but um, when you come back, we can hold a movie or gaming night since I will be back by then..."

Taehyun shared a glance with Soobin then nodded, "Ok, we can do that..."

"Yay!" Kai said in fake cheeriness, clutching the strap of his bag very tightly. He felt his vision go a bit blurry and immediately reeled in; he had to go to his classes. He couldn't afford to get emotional now. "Aren't we getting late, Hyunnie? We should go now."

"Yeah," Taehyun nodded and smiled at him– a smile that used to make Kai's stomach flip but was now making him want to throw up. He didn't deserve that beautiful smile from someone as sweet as Taehyun. He could never keep up with any of them...

✿

"AGAIN!"

Their drama professor's shout rang in the auditorium of their university. Kai gulped slowly, clenching his fists around the couple of pages in his hands. He didn't look up at any of his classmates, didn't want to see their disappointed faces even if he could feel the general feeling of tension and stress. That he was the cause of. 

"Kai, Kai, Kai," their drama professor tried to say as gently as he could. "What's wrong with you? Usually, you're better than this!"

"I know, professor," Kai kept his head hung in shame. "I'm sorry, I just can't remember these lines for some reason..."

"Well...," his professor looked unsure but continued, "We can't afford to just let it go since we don't have a lot of time, but maybe you should step down and spend some time going through those lines again. We'll practise another scene without you until then."

Kai had no other choice but to nod and he clambered off the stage, wondering why everything was going so wrong in his life. His thoughts drifted back to the other four for the nth time that evening, wondering if they were having fun without him. 

They probably were. They didn't need him there to have fun. They didn't need him to be a burden on them, someone who needs constant attention. They probably were relaxed and enjoying their date. Their first date without Kai. 

The thoughts made his vision go blurry again and his eyes started to sting. He felt something coming up his throat but he quickly grabbed his bottle of water and sipped on it, willing the tears to just go away before he started crying in front of 60 people in a nearly empty auditorium. 

He made himself train his eyes on the lead pair, an alpha and an omega, who were enacting their scene flawlessly. Kai could do that too; but just not that day for some reason. Kai wondered if it would be rude to ask to go home. 

He knew they didn't have time, he knew that he might get removed from the drama for doing that. But he was so, so, so tired. He wanted out. He wanted to cry. And he would rather do that in his (their) apartment alone than in an auditorium full of strangers and friends. 

So Kai did just that, for once not caring about anything. He just wanted to be alone. No. He just wanted to curl into Soobin's strong, safe arms, get Beomgyu wrapped around him, let Yeonjun pepper him with kisses while Taehyun sang softly to make him feel better. He wanted them, he wanted to be a part of them so badly without feeling like he didn't fit in, without feeling like he was a burden. 

But he couldn't change what he was, he couldn't make himself fit in. That wasn't how it worked...

✿

The quiet click sound indicated that the door was opened and Kai pushed it to reveal an empty, dark apartment. He closed the door behind him and focused his attention on the smells.

The familiar smells that he associated with his boyfriends were vague, almost like they had left some time ago and the smells remaining were just the imprints left. Gone on a date by the four of them.

Really, Kai shouldn't feel as hurt or suffocated when he was the one who suggested it and encouraged them but it didn't change the fact that he was just feeding into his fears. Feeding them before they grew into something humongous themselves and swallowed Kai.

Without restraint, Kai let the tears bubble up, letting the sobs wreck his body as he made way to his bedroom. His bed was empty, and the sight made him feel hollow inside. Without thinking about what he was doing, he went and brought a blanket from Taehyun and Yeonjun's nest and Beomgyu's hoodie and Soobin's pillow. He dumped them onto his bed, pulling on the hoodie and wrapping himself in the blanket as he rested his head on the pillow and let the tears run down freely, letting himself cry as much out loud as he wanted to.

Why was he always so scared? Always such a coward... Why couldn't he just voice out his thoughts, his insecurities to the other four who he knew loved him? Why was it that they probably thought he was enough but he never seemed enough in his own eyes? 

Why were the demons inside his head louder than the voices of the four who loved him beyond anything he knew?

He was too out of it to notice the smells getting stronger.

Outside the apartment, Taehyun stopped in his tracks as he sniffed the familiar smell of chocolate and hazelnut that belonged to Kai. He felt the momentary happiness die as he realised that it smelled a bit pungent and rotten. Kai was distressed. 

"He will love it– Taehyun?" Beomgyu's call from behind made Taehyun turn around as he looked at them in distress. "Baby, what's wrong?"

"Kai," Taehyun said weakly, wishing that he didn't have his hands full of dinner so that he could just throw open the doors and run to Kai. The older three boys paused in their chatter immediately and Soobin rushed to open the door with his key, as they all started focusing on the distress signal Kai was giving out.

The air was thick with concern and fear as Soobin hurried to open the door and the four of them tumbled inside, their eyes raking over the dark apartment, trying to find Kai and see if he was okay. A sob sounded from his bedroom and the four of them didn't even have to look at each other to make their way to their common goal.

Soobin was the first to reach, his arms throwing open the door with a loud bang that made Kai jump in his position and stop his crying in shock as he stared at the four of them tumbling over each other. They all reached out to surround him, each one taking any part of him that they could reach.

All their shopping lay forgotten in the living room as they settled around Kai, asking questions over each other until Kai sobbed again and that shut them up as they stared at each other helplessly. Beomgyu was the first to notice that Kai was wearing his hoodie– he shared a glance with Yeonjun, who was looking at the blanket Kai had wrapped himself in.

"Kai," Taehyun said as calmly and gently as he could. He tried to calm himself down so that he could release calming pheromones for Kai, but Yeonjun was already doing it. Kai's soon quietened down as he inhaled more of the familiar scent. "What's wrong, love?"

"Did you miss us?" Beomgyu asked quietly, opening his arms into an offer for a hug that Kai unconsciously leaned into. Kai didn't say anything, just stared at his lap. "Talk to us, angel, how will we know what's wrong if you don't tell us?"

"Did you have a bad day?" Soobin asked gently, keeping some distance because Kai's wolf would probably be overwhelmed if two alphas came near him when he's so emotionally vulnerable. Yeonjun continued to rub gentle circles on Kai's legs as he silently watched and waited for Kai to answer. 

Kai finally nodded, and added, "Just... been having bad thoughts for days now and ended up doing badly and disappointing everyone. Disappointing you."

"Angel, no!" Beomgyu's head was shaking immediately, his arms tightening slightly around Kai. "You have never disappointed us, why would you even think that?"

"Because I am a disappointment," Kai mumbled, more to himself than the four of them. "Because I am such a mess. Because I keep wanting so much, wanting more than I have and I'm not enough. I should be more, give more but I don't have anything more to give, and I want to give you so much love but then I'm scared that I'm not capable of loving you as much as you love me."

"But you love us more than love itself, Kai," Soobin said softly, his eyes full of pain and fondness. "You might not realise it but you give us so much more than we give you. You give us strength when we don't have it, you give us comfort when we need it, you always make yourself available for us even if you don't have time for yourself."

"Because I don't need time for myself," Kai breathed out, looking at Soobin in the eyes for the first time that night. Soobin's eyes were gleaming, looking at him with an expression Kai couldn't describe. "All I need is you, all I want is for you to be happy. But am I needed in this happiness? Does my existence make a difference?"

He didn't want to say his biggest fears out loud like that. But he was so, so tired and he just wanted out. If out meant it was like this, then so be it. Future Kai could regret his decisions when it came to it. For now, Kai just wanted to clear his mind. Let everything out. 

"Of course it does," Yeonjun finally spoke up, his eyes hooded with a dark seriousness that made Kai's breath hitch. He almost looked angry, dangerous unlike himself. The Yeonjun Kai knew was soft, gentle and loud. He was bright, caring but a ball of energy. This Yeonjun was unlike any side of Yeonjun that Kai or any of the others had seen. "Do you not see the way we look at you? Because when I see Taehyun look at you, my first thought is that you are his whole world. When Beomgyu kisses you, my first thought is that he can't let you go. When Soobin holds you, my first thought is that you complete each other. When I look at you, my only thought is ‘his happiness is all that matters’."

Kai couldn't think, couldn't reply. Yeonjun's words held a gravity far deeper than he had imagined, and the words seemed to weigh him down as he remembered all those times his boyfriends did all that to him. Why was he even thinking like this in the first place? Where did his insecurities start?

"Kai, did someone say something to you?" Soobin asked, his eyes flashing red as he reeled in his wolf that wanted to make its anger known. Kai shook his head, pressed his lips together as he wondered if he should just say what was on his mind. He decided to do it.

"No one said anything," Kai breathed, feeling his wolf encouraging him on the inside to speak out. "But they look, you know? Their faces speak everything they want to say. And I know I shouldn't care about it, that I should know better but I just want to be accepted by everyone too. I want people to smile when they see me with you too, like they do when they see you together."

There was silence at that and Kai hesitated before looking around at them. They looked sorry and heartbroken and Kai knew that they understood his pain but they couldn't do anything either. They couldn't make people change their feelings about their relationship.

"I'm sorry," Kai smiled sadly, playing with his thumbs as he spoke. "I know you can't do anything about this, it's just me being dumb–"

"You're not being dumb," Taehyun shook his head, the tears in his eyes visible as he squeezed Kai's hand in his own. "You're just human Kai. Why do you beat yourself up over this? You think you're a mess but do you ever think we are a mess too? Because I assure you, everyone of us is a mess. Just because you don't know what you are doing with your life and we seem to have our shit together, doesn't mean that we do either. We are just as much struggling but because we have you and each other, we can have a semblance of normalcy."

"Do you think people don't give us looks?" Yeonjun's face was back to his normal gentle one. "When Taehyun and I go shopping, they give us looks too. We have had people come up to us and say rude things but we never let it get to us because at the end of the day, we come back to the three of you. And you're worth it."

"They what?" Beomgyu's voice was sharp as he looked at Yeonjun. "Hyung, why didn't you tell us? Soobin-hyung and I would have beaten up anyone who even dares to look at you the wrong way."

"We beat them up anyway," Taehyun interjected. He patted Beomgyu with his other hand but didn't let his eyes stray away from Kai. "Our point here is, are we worth it for you Kai? Because the pain isn't going to go away anytime soon. But if we are worth the pain then perhaps you can teach yourself to live with it. Because the world will look at us with eyes of fake ‘normalcy’, but we will never be good enough anyway."

"It's okay if you are scared," Soobin finally leaned into his side, seeing that Kai wasn't crying anymore and his tears seemed to have dried. "But don't ever doubt our love, okay? Because I can name everything I love about you if you need me to. If this is about you being a beta, then let me tell you that I love that the most about you. Sometimes, I go in over my head and worry about my instincts that always come up with Yeonjun-hyung, Taehyun or Beomgyu; but when I'm with you, I don't have to worry because you stabilize me."

"You know how your smell isn't as strong as ours?" Yeonjun smiled, draping himself over Kai's blanket-clad feet. "I love it because when I go in heats, my sense of smell is so sensitive and your smell is so light that it's perfect to breathe into. I was embarrassed to tell you that and said it's the chocolate whenever I clung to you but really, it's very endearing to me how you are just perfect for me."

"I seem to have everything organized and figured out to you all but," Taehyun bit his lower lip as he looked at Kai, "sometimes, I mess up too. And when that happens, I look at you Kai. Because I see you struggling with your mess and overcoming it like it's nothing, pushing through like it's just a piece of cake and I get strength from that. I cry so easily but you always keep your tears in so that you can comfort me and I always worried about how you might be hurt inside but never spoke out. Why didn't you tell us sooner?"

"Because I didn't want you to cry more," Kai's thumb instinctively swiped at the tear that had dropped down Taehyun's cheek. Taehyun leaned into his touch and stared at him with his wide eyes and the look that always made Kai feel like he was flaming. Like he was on fire and nothing could douse the flames because they were made purely of love.

"What's the use if it makes you break down like this," Taehyun breathed out, a sad smile gracing his lips. He leaned into Kai's touch, closing his eyes to savour the warmth of his touch. 

"Kai, do you love yourself?" Beomgyu asked quietly. The question was followed by silence, one where the younger beta couldn't bring himself to say the answer he dreaded. "Do you remember that time when Taehyun and I talked about this?"

Yeonjun and Soobin looked at him in question but Kai's eyes filled with tears again. How could he forget when it was the one of the things that was scaring him the most?

"Hyung, what are you saying," Taehyun sent him a sharp glare. "I know we said back then that we won't get in a relationship if we don't love ourselves first, but if you're suggesting we break up with Kai–"

"NO!" Beomgyu and Kai's shout mingled together in the quiet night air. Kai was shaking, sob wrecking his body again as he questioned if this was really happening. 

"Breaking up with Kai is out of question," Soobin said firmly and Beomgyu nodded immediately.

"I'm not suggesting that at all," Beomgyu clarified. Kai held his breath, hoping against hope... "No, what I wanted to say is that... If you don't love yourself Kai, then let us be there for you until you do. I can tell you how much I love you every single day for the rest of my life. So many songs I have written are about you."

"Hyung's right," Taehyun nodded, not letting go of Kai's hand. "Let us be there for you Kai. You have an irreplaceable place in this relationship and we will gladly remind you of it until you realize it. So please."

"Wouldn't that just burden you more?" Kai just stared at his lap, the tears clinging to his eyelashes. A familiar hand came up to wipe them off his cheeks and eyes and gently nudged him to look up. 

"Love is never a burden," the pink-haired older omega gave him a warm smile. "If I told you that I didn't feel happy with myself, wouldn't you tell me everything you love about me until I accepted it?"

Kai nodded without hesitation.

"Because you love me," Yeonjun moved his hand up to his hair before patting him there. "Just like that, we love you. You are not a burden Kai. You are not less and you are not a failure or a disappointment. No, you are our Kai. Our beautiful sunshine who keeps us together. Who makes us happy and feel loved. We might not have made it more obvious but, without you, life isn't worth living for us."

"Hyung...," the youngest boy choked up, but this time, his heart was full of love instead of worries. Hearing Yeonjun say it all out like that felt relieving. "Without you, I can't breathe either. I feel incomplete."

"But we're here," Soobin promised, his dimples showing with a reassuring smile. "We will always be here. So you can let go of your doubts and breathe, okay?"

"And next time, talk to us," Taehyun begged. The red haired omega didn't ever want a repeat of this situation. It hurt him to see Kai hurt like this. "Tell us if something is wrong, if you feel sad or lonely or anything. It isn't a burden Kai, because we want to do those things for you. Because we want to see you happy."

"Then, can I say something?" Kai blurted but then he hesitated, seeing the four look at him eagerly. "Would you... would you sleep with me on some days? I feel so lonely and I would really like to hold you guys in my sleep."

"I'm not going to leave your bed for the next whole week," Beomgyu said immediately, tightening his grip around Kai's body. That made the beta giggle, relief coursing through him that he was okay with the idea.

"Taehyunnie and I can take turns too," Yeonjun nodded. "Or you can join us in our nests, you know."

Kai gasped at that. An omega's nest was their safe place. To let even their lover in on non-heat days showed an immense trust and love. Taehyun nodded in agreement and the beta couldn't contain the overwhelming feeling of love. 

"I'm so jealous Kai," Beomgyu grinned, nuzzling into his neck from behind. "You can also come into my bed at night. It's made for only one person, but we will make it work!"

"Or we could join our beds and make it one big bed," Soobin said thoughtfully. "Maybe we should invest in a five person bed and start sleeping together once a week."

"You all..." Kai didn't know what to say. All he had done was ask and every single one of them had responded. 

Really, there was no reason for him to doubt their relationship when he could see how much they loved him. He had let others' opinion of him screw up his opinion of himself and let it affect their relationship; but no more. 

He was going to try and be more sure of himself. He was going to try and love himself. 

And, he was going to make sure that from here onwards, they only had to face happy things. The world may scorn at them and never truly accept them but, the world without them was worse than facing that scorn. 

Kai knew it now. He knew how far they were ready to go for him– and he was going to be worth that distance. 

"I'm sorry for all this," he said finally after a few minutes of bickering between Soobin and Beomgyu. The two stopped immediately to pay attention to him. "I... I shouldn't have doubted you. It's so dumb, how could I ever forget what you guys mean to me– what I mean to you."

"You don't have to apologize," Soobin said softly. "We get insecure at times too. We all have our days of doubt, moments where we wonder if we truly deserve all this love. And that's okay, as long as you speak up about it. Don't keep it inside you until it breaks you, my love."

"I promise," Kai smiled at all of them, feeling lighter than ever in weeks. "I won't hold back anymore."

"I'm so proud of you," Taehyun whispered, falling into his arms for a hug. 

"We had plans for tonight and it's not too late to go through with them," Yeonjun smiled secretively. "Shall we?"

✿

Half an hour later, the five of them had squeezed in together on the couch in front of the television, Kai's favourite movie starting its intro credits. The teapoy in front of the couch was covered with the takeout food on every inch with not even a gap to keep the remote.

"We didn't go on a karaoke date without you," Taehyun said suddenly, not looking away from the credits. Kai looked at him curiously. "We were busy planning the perfect night for you because we knew you were feeling down these days."

"We thought you deserved a very very big treat," Beomgyu said, bumping his nose in the crook of Kai's neck. The action made the younger beta shiver and he pulled Beomgyu into a hug so he doesn't notice it. The older alpha was more than happy to indulge and even placed Kai's hand on his own belly for him to rub. 

"This is absolutely random but I always feel like I have come to a café when I come home," Yeonjun called from the other end of the couch where he sat beside Taehyun. He didn't stop slurping his ramyeon as he spoke and Kai knew without looking that Soobin was giving the older omega some judgemental but loving stares. "What's with all the smell of bread, cinnamon, coffee, caramel, sugar, vanilla, chocolate and hazelnut..."

"We're like a sweets shop," Soobin laughed. 

"Well, it's my favourite mix of smells in the world," Kai blurted accidentally, feeling too comfy in the mood to realize that he spoke his mind. The other four didn't tease him, just gave him warm loving looks. 

"It's what I call home these days," Beomgyu mumbled lowly, feeling sleepy in Kai's hold. Everyone else heard him nonetheless, their sharp ears picking up on it. 

As the movie finally started, Kai leaned back and took the time to study each of the profiles of his four boyfriends in the darkness of the room. 

He knew he wasn't alone anymore. 

He could finally breathe.

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