Chapter 10 

Finn

"What are you doing here?"  Benji  asked me groggily.  I was laying down across from him as we faced each other on his and Ajax's bed.

"I got home a little while ago and Ajax came downstairs when he heard me.  He said you were sick and you had some kind of a panic attack or something? He asked me to stay with you while he started dinner.  He didn't want you to wake up alone…so here I am."

"Oh."

"I have a feeling I know why you panicked," I suggested.

"I'm sorry Finn."  

Benji's eyes started to look glassy and I knew I was right about why he panicked.

"It's okay…I'm actually glad you did it.  Some warning may have been good though."

"How did it go?"

"We were both shocked at first…we didn't talk a long time, but we're getting together for lunch tomorrow.  I needed to clear my head, so much stuff was bouncing around my brain at once."

"That's good right?  I mean, you're going to talk more?"

"I think so."

"Does…does Ajax know?"

"No, I didn't tell him and Nico said he wouldn't.  I figured it was you and also that you'd be freaking out."

"You know me so well," he grinned.

"But he'll have to find out eventually Benji."

"I know…and I'll be the one to tell him…just not today, okay?  I'm kind of wrecked from my panic attack…I was so worried about you, about what might happen…and Ajax getting mad."

"I know, and it's okay.  No matter what happens I won't blame you.  I need to talk to him, I need some answers for closure."

"Closure?"

"Closure on the past, on what happened.  So I can put it behind me once and for all."

"Oh…okay."  Benji looked confused.

"Did you think we're just going to get back together because I'm old enough now?"

"I don’t know…"

"I can't even think that way…and I can't go back to the way things were.  I'm a different person now."

"I know…I just…I don’t know what I thought would happen.  I just thought you needed to see him…and he needed to see you too, he's been like a recluse on that boat ever since Miami.  I only just saw him for the first time and he looked…so sad and wrecked."

"Yeah, he doesn't look like the old Nico for sure…maybe he needs some closure too."

"Thanks Finn…for not telling Ajax.  I don't want to lie to him, but I just need a day or so to get my head straight and I'll tell him for sure."

"Okay, Benj.  Do you want to go downstairs now and see what Ajax is making for dinner?"

"Yeah…I'm just going to go to the bathroom and wash my face.  I'll meet you down there in a few minutes."

"I'll suggest that Ajax wait a day before he tries to talk to you, I'm sure he won't want to push you right now anyway."

"Okay.  Thanks Finn, I love you man!"  Benji lunged forward and gave me a big hug and I felt the relief flowing off him, poor guy.

-----------------------

I walked nervously down the dock to the boat that was waiting to take me to Serenity.  The palms of my hands were sweating and a nervous tick suddenly became annoyingly noticeable on my right eye.

I stopped in front of the power boat and two men looked up at me.  "Finn Jennings."  I stated with a confidence I was quickly losing.  Maybe this was a mistake…how would I feel boarding Serenity again after all this time.

"Welcome aboard Sir," one of them said while the other readied the boat.  I hopped down and took the seat at the front where Nico always sat with me wrapped in his arms.  I took a deep breath and let it out of my mouth slowly.  I didn't remember if these were men I had seen in the past, there was often a rotating crew of security guards and I rarely interacted with them, so I could have.

The one who spoke took a phone out of his pocket and made a quick call while the other pulled the dock lines into the boat.  Soon we were on our way through the light waves and I steadied myself with one hand on the side of the boat and the other held the bottom of the seat.  I wore sunglasses which protected them from the wind that used to make my eyes water and I was glad to have grabbed a light jacket before I left as well.

The five minutes it took to get to the large boat felt like an eternity and was over in a flash all at the same time.  I looked back at the shore and contemplated asking them to turn the boat around, but I knew I would hate myself if I did.  I could do this.  I sat up a little taller and imagined my spine turning to steel and my face a rigid mask.  My therapist had taught me imagery to help me in tough situations, though I'm not sure this was her intent.  As we pulled up to the gangway I put on my game face and pushed my emotions down to that deep pit where I could control them and keep them neutral.

Nico stood just inside the portal and I was even more grateful to be wearing the sunglasses to hide my emotions.  They probably showed every bit of uncertainty, fear, anger, longing, sadness and weakness that flowed through my mind at the very moment he turned his dark, penetrating eyes on me.  But as I took him in, I realized I could see the same storm brewing just below his reserved façade as well.  He looked different than yesterday, like he'd gotten a haircut and professional shave, spit and polish as my Dad used to say.

I stepped off the speed boat and Nico quickly took a few steps forward to take my hand as a small wave rocked it slightly.  I automatically took it, but as soon as I was onboard, pulled back from his loose grip as if it were too hot to hold for too long.

"I'm glad you came,"  Nico said evenly.

 "Thanks," was all I could muster as I fought for clarity.  Nico looked casually elegant in a pair of dark blue jeans, and a thin tan cardigan over a white dress shirt, but then Nico could make a paper bag look good.

"I have a table set up on the deck…follow me upstairs?"  It was an odd question, what was I going to do? But then again, I realized he was as nervous as me.  I just nodded my head and followed him as he turned and started walking up the inside staircase.  When we reached the upper deck he turned to the right instead of the left which would have led us to his personal quarters.  I realized we were going to what I always thought of as his 'entertainment' area, the pub, main dining room, game room and large patio where we sat when we watched the 4th of July fireworks with his friends and colleagues…what felt like a lifetime ago.

Was it a good thing we weren't going to his personal space? His Inner sanctum?  I guess it was, I wasn't sure how I would react being there again where we shared so many intimate moments.

"What would you like to drink?" We had reached the patio and a small bar was set up outside.  Nico was pulling out some glasses and ice and it took me a few minutes to realize I hadn't answered him as my eyes wandered all around remembering my time here.  Nico stood patiently, watching me, letting me take my time.

"Umm…anything…coke's fine…whatever you have."

"Do you want a beer or…some wine?"

"No…no thanks.  Wine makes me tired."

"Yeah…I remember…umm…coke it is then."  I watched as Nico poured a coke for me and an orange juice for himself.  He never was one for soda…  

"Do you still make those awesome protein shakes?" The words flew out of my mouth like projectile vomit, no filter…a true Benji moment.  His head popped up and I saw the slightest hint of a smile.

"I hadn't in a long time, but I made one this morning after I…um…worked out for the first time in a long time too.  My legs are like jello and my shoulders feel like they're going to fall off," he chuckled.  "I think I have to start slower and build up…"

"Yeah, probably.  When I started running again I got shin splints and had to stop for two weeks to heal before I could start again…and I did it gradually the second time."

Nico looked pensive, like he wanted to say something, but then didn't.  It was that worried protective look he used to get, only now, I wasn't his responsibility, I wasn't his to worry about anymore.

"Do…do you want me to make you a shake?" He asked, "It would be no trouble."

"No, thanks," I chuckled. "This is fine."

"Lunch should be up in a few minutes."  Nico came around to the bar and led us over to some comfortable patio furniture.  I sat down in a chair while he sat on a little outdoor sofa.

Once again we fell into that awkward silence…I didn't know where to begin, but Nico seemed to be the one more on his game today.

"I know…an apology will never be enough, but I am truly sorry Finn.  I never meant to hurt you."

I felt my chest constrict.  I thought I was ready to do this, but the words were caught up in my throat like an implacable mass threatening to choke me. Nico sat patiently and didn't rush me, so after several breaths and willing myself to relax I finally figured out where I wanted to start.

“I know that Declan didn’t tell me everything.  How will I know that you won’t just tell me more lies?”

“I won’t ever lie to you again.  I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

“Why?”

“You deserve to know the truth.  I don’t expect you ever to forgive me, but I at least owe you the truth.  You’re a man now and you don’t need Declan to take care of you, it’s time.”

“Jaime took care of me, Declan just tried to control me,” I snapped, gritting my teeth.

“He thought he was doing what was best for you.”

 “That’s just an excuse that I’m really sick of hearing.”  

 "I…I'm sorry." I could tell that Nico didn't know what to say to my sudden flare of anger, so I tried my best to calm down.  

"He had no right to get into my business…into our business.  Why are you defending him…after what he did?"

"I…I guess it’s the only way I can…live with it," he stammered, looking away.

"Why can't you just admit that what he did was wrong."

"Because what I did was worse…"

"What did you do?" His eyes shot up to mine again.

"I took advantage of an innocent child."

"I wasn't a child and besides, you told me once I was an old soul…wise beyond my years, yet you didn't think I was capable of making my own decisions?"

"No…that's not…you already had so much of your childhood taken away, I took away the chance to get any of those years back."

Just then we heard a cart being rolled down the deck and we looked up to see our lunch being delivered.  Nico stood up and directed the steward to set up our meal on a table nearby.  After he left Nico looked over to me and I stood up, picking up my soda on the way.

"I remembered you loved chicken picatta…so I asked the chef to prepare it for lunch today, I hope you still like it."

"I haven't had it in a while, but yeah, I do.  Thanks."  Nico pulled a chair out for me, but when I looked up at him, he blushed and quickly went to the other seat and sat down.

The awkward silence fell upon us again and I placed my napkin in my lap, grateful for the moment to catch my breath.

"What made you decide to move back to California?" He asked.

"New York wasn't really for me...Things started to get really tense between me and Declan, I only stayed as long as I did for Jaime.  He and I became very close, but...last year they adopted a little girl so I felt better about leaving since he had someone new to mother."

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize.  I thought Declan..."

"Could take care of me?  All he wanted to do was mold me into his perfect little protégé.  He was less concerned about my feelings, as long as I painted he would leave me alone.  Jaime took care of me, he was great." 

I heard you've had several shows, Ajax said they were very successful, you're really making a name for yourself in the art world."

"Yeah, every one has sold out.  I've been very lucky.  I've just hooked up with a great gallery here and I have a show in a few weeks, Juntado, do you know it?"

"Yes, that's great."

"Will you still be in town then, would you like to go to the opening?"

"Yes, I'd like that."

"Okay, I'll make sure you get an invitation."

We ate lunch making small talk about art and UCLA, taking the opportunity to relax a bit with less volatile topics of discussion.

"Do you still have a sweet tooth?" Nico asked after we had finished our lunch.  "I think the chef made some chocolate cake, Louisa's recipe."

I let out a laugh thinking about all the treats Louisa and Rosita used to make me.  "Only occasionally, but I'm fine right now."

 "Are you sure?  You know Louisa and chocolate..."

"Yes, she's the chocolate queen, but I'm stuffed, I couldn't eat anymore right now."

"Okay, I'll have the chef pack it up and send it home with you."  Nico texted the kitchen and a few minutes later the same steward came to collect our dishes.

"Louisa and Rosita flew up to New York for my first show," I told him.  "It was really great!"

"I heard, they were very excited about it."

"You kept in touch with them?"

"Yes, you know they were like mothers to me."

"Yeah, but they never told me."

"I asked them not to, I thought it would be easier."

"So you really have been alone on this boat the whole time?"  Nico nodded and looked away.

“Why didn't you take on a new sub?”

“I’m no longer a Dominant. I won't be going back to that lifestyle again."

"Why?"

"I failed pretty miserably at it, I broke the cardinal rule and hurt my submissive...and I just can't, I don't really know how to explain it without making you uncomfortable."

"Try me, I'm pretty thick skinned by now."

"I can't ever see myself with anyone else."

"Oh."  Well that was a conversation stopper.

"I keep waiting..." Nico started, but paused.

 "For what?"

 "I know you must be very angry with me, you have every right to be, you haven't..."

"Started yelling?"

"Yeah, it's okay you know, I'm prepared for it, I want you to let it out."

"Nico, I felt so much anger and so much sadness in the months after you left, it almost completely consumed me.  Declan threatened to hospitalize me, but instead hooked me up with a really great therapist - the one positive thing he did the whole time I lived with him.  She helped me work through it all, over time.  I mean, I still have my good days and bad days, but I don't have the rage anymore.  I'm not going to start going all psycho on you."

"I'm.."

"Sorry?  I know...you said that."

"Sorry..."

We both chuckled relieving some of the tension.

"I brought something," I said standing up and walking over to my jacket.  I pulled my journal out of the inside pocket.  "This is the journal my therapist had me start...I thought...if you read this, you would understand what I went through."   I suddenly felt kind of stupid, he probably didn't want to read my whiny scribblings.  "I don't know why I brought it, you don't have to..."

"I want to read it," he interrupted.  "I really do, if...if you don't mind. If it's okay with you."

I tossed him the book which he caught easily.  "You can read it after I go."

"Okay, thanks."

"Actually, I should get going anyway."

"I'll read this tonight and get it back to you tomorrow."

"There's no rush, I haven't really looked at it in a long time...there could be some pretty stupid stuff in there, so sorry in advance."

"No, don't apologize, thank you for...letting me look at it.  It means a lot to me."  I shrugged my shoulders noncommittally.

"So yeah...does the boat need to be called or something?"

"Yeah, I'll text them."  

Nico pulled out his phone and sent a quick message.  "Let's stop by the kitchen on the way, Chef packed up the chocolate cake for you to bring back to the house," he let out a chuckle, "better you guys eat it than me."

"Thanks, I know Benji will love it too."

"You're liking living with them?"

"Yeah, it's been nice.  But I move into my apartment next week, give them back their privacy."

"Do you need any help moving?"

"No thanks, I don't have too much, Benji and some friends are helping.  I didn't bring any furniture, I was actually supposed to go furniture shopping with Benji yesterday afternoon, but...well, he kind of made other plans for me," I chuckled.

"I...I don't have any plans this afternoon...if...I can go with you...I mean, you probably want to wait for Benji..."

"I'd actually like that."

"Really?"

"Yeah...if we can keep it light and not talk about anything heavy for the afternoon, I could use a break..."

"It's a deal.  I just need to go grab my wallet and keys."

"Okay, but I'll drive...that is if you can drive in a car doesn't cost three figures?"

"You still have that smart mouth, don't you?" He said with a grin.

"With age comes wisdom," I replied with a wink, smiling myself.  

"Come on, let's go."

"Why don't I go to the kitchen while you go get what you need, I remember the way."

"Okay, I'll meet you at the boat launch."

Nico headed off to his rooms, I definitely wasn't ready to go there yet so I headed to the kitchen, taking the shortcut through the large room where the grand piano sat.  As soon as I walked in I froze.  My eyes wandered around the room until I found myself turning in a circle.  Each of the four large walls held several paintings.  My paintings.  One, two, three...he had a dozen expertly mounted throughout the room.  A few from each of my shows.

I didn't know what to think...do I get angry?  What was he trying to do?  I just stared around the room in confusion, the seconds turning to minutes...

"I can explain..."  I darted around toward the sound of his voice.

"I..."

"Why?"

"I...needed...they're all I have of you."

"I don't understand."

"Your paintings...you put so much of yourself into them, when I look at them, I feel like you're with me.  I needed that...I swear, I didn't buy them out of any sense of obligation...I like to come up here and look at them."

"I don't know what to think..."

"Then don't...let's just go and...just..."

"Okay.  I guess...thank you."