Chapter 9

Benji

Fooling around with Ajax kept my mind busy and focused elsewhere for the better part of an hour.  When we finally came up for air, took a shower together and re-dressed I made us a couple of sandwiches while Ajax checked his computer.

"Do you know where my phone is?" he asked as he came to join me at the kitchen island.  I looked up at the clock above the stove and it was 1:45pm and I felt a little shiver run down my spine.  I took a deep breath and tried to relax.

"I think it's in the living room, I'll go get it."  I scurried off and retrieved it from under the cushions.  I felt bad being sneaky as I quickly looked and there were no new messages.  To be honest, I kind of felt like Gerard the way I was using Ajax's phone to trick Nico and Finn…and even Ajax.  I only hoped that since it was for a greater good that it was somehow okay.

"Benji?"

"Coming," I called out as I ran into the kitchen.  I handed him his phone and quickly took my seat and contemplated eating my sandwich.  Somehow, I had lost my appetite and my nerves were starting to flare up.  I don't think I could ever do this again, scheming just takes too much out of a person.  I was a wreck!

What if I made a big mistake and it blew up in my face.  Everyone would be mad at me.

What if it pushed Nico or Finn over the edge and one or both of them had a breakdown.

What if Ajax got so mad at me for interfering that he broke up with me.

I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and got up and ran to the bathroom.  Since I hadn't eaten in hours I ended up just dry heaving over the toilet.

"Benji?  Hey baby, are you okay?"  Ajax followed me in and kneeled down beside me rubbing my back. When my body finally stopped heaving I sat up and he pulled me into his arms.  "What happened?"

"I don't feel good," I squeaked, my throat burning from the acidic bile that came up.  I stood up and rinsed my mouth out with water and some mouthwash that was in the cabinet.  I felt shaky and lightheaded and had to put my hands down on the sink brace myself.

"Here Benji, let me get you into bed and then I'll make you some tea."

"No, I'm okay," I said waving him off, but I was shaking and short of breath.  I was pretty sure I was having a panic attack.

"No, you're not okay.  Come with me," Ajax ordered, his voice and body language going into full Dom mode.  I let him lead me out of the downstairs bathroom and up to our room.  Feeling his hands on me helped me calm down a bit, even the little bit of warmth helped as I was now shivering as if I was in the freezing cold.  "Are you supposed to be at the Boy's Club this afternoon?  If so, I'm calling Derek and telling him you won't make it."

"No, I was booked off today," I whispered shakily.  Ajax felt my forehead and pulled the covers back, tucking me into bed.

"You feel clammy, I'm going to get you some ibuprofen before I go make your tea."  Ajax stalked off and returned within seconds with the pills and handed me a bottle of water that was on my night table.  "Did you take your meds this morning?"

"Of course, it's…I'll be fine, I just need to lie down for a few minutes."  I knew I should just fess up, but I was so scared…I didn't want to lose Ajax.  I loved him so much.

"I'll go make you a cup of tea and bring you some crackers or something also, to settle your stomach."  I nodded and Ajax left the room while I laid my head back on the pillow.

The quiet of the room began to settle around me and my mind started racing again.  Ajax's reaction when he found out what I did, Nico seeing Finn and leaving the country again, Finn hating me for opening all those wounds…Ajax leaving me…

I couldn't hold back anymore and soon tears were flowing down my face and drenching my pillow.  I curled up in a ball and just rocked trying to stop the negative images that were circling through my head.  I felt so alone, so scared, so sad…god, I knew this was probably how Finn felt in those days, weeks, months after Nico left.  I continued crying until I felt a warm body wrap itself around me, cocooning me with his arms and chest.  Whispering words into my ear that I couldn't comprehend, but made me feel safe.

I cried until I exhausted myself, finally calming down with my head laying over Ajax's heart, the steady beat lulling me into a deep sleep.

Finn

Once I got Nico seated I signalled the waitress to bring him a black coffee, just as he liked it and a glass of water.  My appetite had completely escaped me and Nico didn't look like he was capable of ordering lunch at the moment.  I looked around, but was pretty sure that Benji wasn't meeting me, this had his signature all over it.

Nico still seemed to be in a silent fog while I didn't know where to start so we sat quietly until after the waitress had set a cup of coffee and the water on the table.  I assured her we were all set for the time being and she seemed to sense that we needed privacy as she scurried away.

I took a sip of my coffee and took a deep breath trying to calm my racing heart and noticed Nico staring at the table.  When I followed his eyes I realized he was staring at my open sketchbook.  I quickly picked it up, closed the cover and tucked it into my messenger bag.

When I looked up he was staring at me with an unreadable expression and I suddenly felt self-conscious for my actions with the book.  I smiled and shrugged my shoulders, "practicing for my life studies class in September." 

It seemed like I was going to have to be the first person to speak as Nico still had that stunned look.  Where to start, what to say…I could feel that I needed to start slow if I wanted any answers at all.

"You look good."  Gah! I mentally slapped my forehead.  What a stupid thing to say.  I felt a sweat break out across my back and fought desperately for my brain to start working.  Nico's forehead wrinkled in confusion.

"Sorry…"  I leaned back in my chair with a sigh.  This was stupid, this was a big mistake.

"I saw you."  Nico's first words and my eyes darted up to his.  "In New York."

"Wha…what do you mean?"

"I wanted to make sure you were okay…I saw you outside your school."

"Why didn't you say anything?"  That silenced Nico for a good minute or two, but I held steadfast, waiting for his answer.

"You looked happy."

"When was this?"

"Um…in the late Spring, maybe June of your senior year."  

"Oh…so not in the months right after…you left."

"No…I…wasn't able to go then.  I wasn't in very good shape."

"Yeah, I know the feeling."  Nico's eyes fell to his lap and he looked nervous, uncertain.  A look that I'd never seen on him before.  He finally took a few sips of his coffee, so I followed suit.

"It took me a long time to get to that point, to smile again, and I still had a lot of ups and downs…I still do," I admitted.

"I never meant to hurt you."  His voice was quiet and strained.

"I know.  I know there was a lot more to it than what I was lead to believe and I know Declan had a big part in it." Nico's eyes shot up to mine again, but he remained quiet.

"Will you ever tell me the truth?"

Nico was quiet for several seconds that felt like long minutes.  "There's no point Finn, no matter how it came about, it was my fault.  I was in the wrong."

"Did it feel wrong to you?" I asked.  Nico didn't reply and just stared at his coffee.  "It didn't feel wrong to me," I finally said.

Nico's silence finally started to get to me.  "Is there any point in this conversation or are you just going to sit there like a mute," I snapped.  That certainly got his attention as his shimmering blue eyes locked onto mine.

Again, after a pregnant pause, he spoke.  "I don't feel comfortable talking here…so many people walking by…I've been alone for so long I'm not used to it and…I'm having trouble focusing my thoughts right now…seeing you…was so unexpected."

"Alone? You've been alone? This whole time? Where have you been?" The question started rattling through my brain.

"Yes. I've been living on Serenity by myself, since…well, since I left Miami."  Now it was his turn to watch me while I looked away trying to understand, confused…my eyes darting between my hands and people walking down the street.  "What did you think?" he asked.

"You didn't…get another sub?"

"No…I haven't been with anyone…since…since you…I…I couldn't."

Nico

How could he think I'd just leave and take on another sub.  He doesn't realize what losing him did to me?  I never wanted anyone after him, I never would.  I'd resigned myself to being alone the rest of my life; some could see it as a self-inflicted punishment for what I'd done, but that wasn't the reason.  I just couldn't see myself being with another, Finn was it for me.

Seeing him when I walked up to the café, so many emotions ran through my head and to be honest, fear was the strongest.  I thought his words would be full of anger and hate and I just couldn't face that.  So I ran.  Just like I did three years ago, like a coward.  I couldn't face his anger then and I was scared to now.  Though, now that I see him, his uncertainty, the pain that still ripples just under the surface, I realize that I need to do whatever it takes to help him heal, even if it's to take the wrath and fury that I was sure would erupt soon, after his own shock wore off.

"I want to talk more, but…I think I need to go...and think first.  Will you meet me again, or can I come see you?"  His voice held a tone of desperation that made my heart bleed.

"Of course…whatever you want."  He didn't need to know that his wants and needs were always foremost in my mind, and had been for the last three years with the help of several trusted friends and lawyers.

Assuming the volatility of our next meeting, I didn't want to meet him in a restaurant or other public place…and Ajax and Benji's house didn't seem the best idea either.  "Would you like to come for lunch tomorrow?  On Serenity?  I can have my chef make us something.”

“You have a chef on board? You should fire him; it doesn’t look like he’s been doing a very good job," he remarked with a smirk.  A small smile tugged at my mouth at the new cockiness that three years of maturity had cultivated.  He was no longer the shy nervous boy I first met.

“He’s a good chef, it’s not his fault, I just seemed to have lost my appetite," I admitted.

“I think you’ve been slacking a bit on the workouts too Nico, don’t you remember the schedule?”

The shock on my face must have been apparent as he chuckled quietly.  It was contagious as I let out a small laugh that sounded so out of the ordinary to my ears.

"Umm…I guess I should get going," he murmured as the humour seemed to wear off.  "What time do you want me to be there tomorrow?" 

"Whatever works with your schedule, I’ll send someone to pick you up.”

“I can get there on my own, which marina?” 

“Of course.  I apologize.”  I pulled out a pen and a card. “I’ll put the name of the marina and the address on here, just tell them at the front desk you have an appointment on Serenity. I’ll let them know that you’re coming and have a boat waiting to take you out.  If anything comes up, I’ve also written down my satellite phone.”  He handed me the card.  “What time can I expect you?”

“I paint in the morning with Liam, a boy I'm mentoring from the Boy's Club where Benji works, but he can go with Benji for the afternoon, so I can be down there at about 1:30pm.”

“Okay, I’ll make the arrangements and have a boat waiting.”

“Yeah…thanks.   So, um…I'll see you tomorrow then.”   Finn picked up his brown leather messenger bag and stood, hesitating.  He pulled some cash out of his pocket and left it on the table.  I was about to stop him and take care of the bill myself, but something held me back, I saw his independence as very important to him, like a lifeline.

I stood up and we shared another awkward moment.  "Thanks for the coffee," I said, wondering if I should shake his hand, instead I just stood awkwardly flexing my hands at my sides.

"No problem…I guess I'll see you tomorrow then, yeah, I said that already," Finn hesitated for a second or two before continuing, "Oh…so…I have a feeling this was Benji's doing and…if I know him he's probably freaking out about now…"

"I won't mention it to Ajax," I assured him.

"Thanks."  He turned and started to walk away, "Bye Nico."

"Bye Finn."