Chapter 8

Benji

"What are you doing Boo?"  I walked by Ajax's office for the second time in half an hour and he was sitting staring at nothing.  He looked up, startled out of his thoughts.

"Take a drive with me?" He asked.  It was Sunday, early afternoon and I had no plans.  Finn had gone off to wander around some museums or galleries or something…I think he just wanted to get out of the house for a bit on his own.

"Of course, where to?" I asked as he stood up, making his way to the door.

"Still making up my mind," he whispered mysteriously before kissing my nose.

"I can work with that," I joked. "Come on Scoob, Fred's taking us on a mystery adventure," I called behind me to no one in particular.  I grabbed a bottle of water for each of us and followed Ajax out to the car.

"Wow! You've really updated the Mystery Machine Fred," I deadpanned as I look around the black 2009 Aston Martin Vantage V12 Ajax had picked up on a whim recently.  It was slick, I had to give him that and the previous owner had only put about 15,000 miles on it, barely broke it in.  Ajax told me when he saw the car sitting at the dealer he went weak at the knees and knew he had to have it. I wish I had been with him, I'd loved to have seen that, usually I'm the one with the jelly legs, especially after…

 "Benji!"

 "Wha…yes, Sir?!"

 "I said your name five times, where were you?" he chuckled.

 "Umm…my mind was in the gutter…it involved me on my knees…"

"When is your mind not in the gutter babe?"

"Hey, I don’t always only think about sex…when you're not around I can sometimes think about important things…World Peace, Health Care Reform, How to get a stain out of a white shirt…"

"What type of stain?"  My face was awash with heat as I felt my face turn red, I opened my mouth and closed it a few times trying to think of a comeback…but nothing came.

"Touché."  My man knows me too well.  "So where are we headed?" I asked after we had been driving for about 30 minutes.

"Santa Monica."

"Nice, nice…oh!"  I turned my head quickly and looked at Ajax. "Are we going to see…"

"Nico?  Yes." I waited with my eyes trained on my sexy Spaniard, wondering if he would elaborate.  Neither of us spoke, he continued to drive and I continued to gaze at him…who would break first.  I was determined to hold out for an explanation, even if it took me the entire drive.

"Okay, tell me," I sighed, "what's going on?"

"Nothings 'going on,' I just wanted to go see him.  After I talked to him yesterday, I had the distinct impression he was going to take off on me again and I just want to try to figure out what's going on in his head.  I called Santos and he confirmed that Nico's thinking about pulling anchor in the next day or two, I want to make sure that doesn't happen just yet."  He turned his head to me and a look of concern crossed his face, "I'm worried about him Benj, I thought he'd be getting better at some point…but each time I see him, I…he's just…he's not the same anymore.  It's like he's half there and…so damaged."

"I didn't think he looked very good when I saw him yesterday.  He's gotten thinner and his face is all drawn, not the same man I met four years ago…that reminds me, did you talk to Finn, I forgot to ask you about that?"

"Yes…I spoke with him the other morning when you were sleeping in."

"What'd you think?"

"He was…defensive…he puts on a good show, said coming here just stirred up some old feelings, but that he's fine.  Working through them."

"And what do you think?"

"I really don't know Benji.  Pushing them together could blow up in our faces.  Right now my first priority is to keep my brother here, keep him close so I can spend more time with him and figure out what's best for both of them.  I don't want to do anything rash or reactive…and who's to say it's even our place."

"Because we love both of them."

"Let's just give it some time Benji, there's no rush and we don't want to see either of them hurt all over again."  There is a rush, I thought, Finn told us just this morning that he'd received a call from the building manager and his new apartment would be ready next week.  The other tenant had moved out early and they were nearly finished with the renovations. Once he was moved out and school started, I probably wouldn't get to see him as much.

Sigh.  We were quiet the rest of the drive.  Ajax deep in thought and me pouting…thinking.  I hardly even noticed when Ajax pulled into the parking lot of the marina.  "Promise me you won't push Nico and if I need to talk to him alone please don't give me a hard time about going for a walk around the deck."

"Promise." I muttered, following him out of the car.  Come on Scoob, let's go put a stop to those meddling kids.

"What are you muttering about?  Are you talking to yourself now?  Do I need to have your meds adjusted again?"  Ajax had a big smirk on his face that deserved nothing less than one of my best glares.

"Come on baby, Santos said he'd have a boat meet us at the pier to take us out to Serenity.  Turn that frown upside down before I have to spank you in front of all these bystanders."  I let out a huff and followed my soon to be ex-boyfriend down to the dock.

"Only kidding!" I shouted quickly after that awful, awful thought.

"What?"

"Nothing…sorry…my bad."

"Come here baby," Ajax cooed, stopping and grabbing me in a hug. "Let's not bicker or whatever this is. I love you," he said giving me sweet kiss. "Everything will work out the way it's supposed to."

"I know, I love you too," I grumbled stubbornly leaning my head against his chest.

“Okay, let’s go double team my brother, see if we can knock some sense into him.”

“Ajax?”

“Yeah baby?”

“Thanks for bringing me too, I mean, you could have just done this on your own…”

“But we’re a team Benji, two peas in a pod,” he grabbed me in a headlock and gave me a light noogie; “besides, you’re my better half.  You see things I don’t and you understand people’s feelings better than I do.  I wouldn’t be able to manage without you…now come on, let’s do this!”

Ajax checked in with the marina office who directed us down to one of the docks where the power boat I remembered from Nico’s yacht, was waiting.  Two men in jeans and dark blue windbreakers were sitting on the boat reading, but put their books away as soon as they saw us.  Ajax greeted them and we boarded while the engines warmed up.  Five minutes later, after a fast and refreshing ride; we were stepping onto the lower level of Serenity.  It really wasn’t a bad place to live, especially if you liked the water the way that Nico did.  But I knew it wasn’t good for him to keep himself here alone and hidden like a recluse, especially in the state of mind he seemed to be in…and he’d been at this for 3 years now.

We climbed the stairs to the upper deck and another set to where Nico had his private quarters.  When we finally reached his door I was about ready to jump into the small pool that was set off from a patio.  Ajax knocked on the heavy glass door.  It had a curtain hanging on the other side, so we couldn’t see in.  He knocked again when there was no reply and the third one became a continuous pounding until finally the door slid open and a bedraggled Nico stood in front of us.  We had obviously woken him up.  I looked at my watch and it was well past noon.

My first observations were correct.  He had lost weight and some of the powerful muscles that had made him so sexy…I mean, robust and virile. He looked pale, his hair was a bit long and stringy and currently riddled with bad case of bedhead while he also looked like he hadn’t shaved in a few days.  Definitely not taking care of himself.

“You look like shit.”  Ajax said in greeting.  Nice Jax, way to go!  No wonder he brought me.

“Hi Nico, what Ajax is trying to say is that…umm…you don’t look…ahhh, like your usual self.  Are you ill?”

“No…I’m fine.  What are you two doing here?”  His voice was low and gravelly, but not in a sexy way, more in an ‘I just woke up after a long night of binge drinking’ way.

“We came to talk to you,” Ajax said at the same time I said, “We’re staging an intervention.”

We looked at each other and I saw the side of my boo’s mouth curve just slightly while trying to remain serious.  I all out grinned.  I just have no control over that shit.

“Probably if I asked you to leave you wouldn’t listen,” Nico grumbled.

“Absolutely right,” Ajax concurred.  “Let us in.”

Nico moved aside and Ajax placed his hand on my elbow leading me to enter first while he followed right behind me.  The curtains were all pulled making the usual welcoming living room dark and depressing.  Ajax immediately starting pulling all of them back until the afternoon sun started streaming in, lighting up the beautiful rattan furniture and colourful Caribbean accents.  But it also brought to light the scattered magazines and books, a jacket thrown across the chair in a way very uncharacteristic of the fastidious Nico I remembered.  Used dishes were left on the coffee table and the place kind of smelled like old booze.

After Ajax had brightened up the room and opened a few windows, he began shuffling around the room straightening up.  Nico watched helplessly and wordlessly from the door and I knew that Ajax was stalling while he tried to get his emotions and temper under control and figured out how to start.

“Nico,” I began for him, “we’re worried about you and…,” I sighed in frustration, “you’re our family and we love you and…you’re killing yourself…and…I think Finn is hurting too, it’s just stupid!” I blurted out the last part unintentionally and threw my hand over my mouth to stop anything else from spewing out.

His eyes popped up to mine.  “Is Finn okay?  What’s going on?”

“He’s fine, he’s fine,” Ajax quickly replied.  “We’re here to talk about you…and what you’re doing to yourself.”

“I don’t want to talk about me, I’m fine,” he grumbled, running his fingers through his greasy hair.

“We’re not leaving until we have a sit down with you.  Go take a shower, I’m going to call the kitchen and get some food up here and we’ll sit out on the deck and have a nice afternoon.”  Ajax had taken on a firm tone with his big brother who responded by letting out a short huff, but walking towards his bedroom all the same. When he was out of the room Ajax picked up the phone and placed an order with whoever was left now managing the ship.  When he was finished he turned to me, “Let’s not bring Finn into this today Benji, this is about Nico right now.  He’s got to get himself together for himself, regardless of what’s going on with Finn.”  I nodded my head because he was right.  Nico was a basket case and had to get a handle on that first.

Twenty minutes later Nico emerged and Ajax handed him a cup of coffee from the pot he had made.  Fifteen minutes later brunch arrived and we had it served outside at one of the tables where Ajax had put up an umbrella and I had set a nice table.  We kept things light while we ate, wanting to make sure that Nico ate a good meal before any emotional flare ups.  Ajax eased the conversation into business, stressing how much the company’s holdings were growing, how busy he was and how much he needed some help with all the decisions that were required on a daily basis.  I nodded and added in some comments about how stressed and overworked Ajax often was and the long hours he was working.  After a while talking the more business side of things, Ajax got a bit more serious.

“It’s not just the business Nico…” Ajax began, his voice lowering as he looked down at his lap.  “I really miss you…you’re my big brother and I feel like for the last three years there’s been this big hole in me…I couldn’t figure it out at first because I have Benji and he’s amazing,” he looked up at me with a sad smile, “Benji’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”  I gave him a reassuring smile in return and mouthed the words ‘I love you’.

“But that doesn’t mean that I can live without you,” he continued, switching his gaze to the visibly shaken man who sat to my right. “You were always there for me growing up; when I went to school and struggled with my course load, and then when I started at the company…I could always count on you…for advice, suggestions…encouragement, everything.  You’ve been the person I’ve looked up to all my life, who I aspired to be like…I miss that and I need you back.  I don’t want to sound selfish or anything, but I’ve been hurting too.  I feel like my big brother has been taken away from me even when you’re sitting across the table.”

I caught my breath as I watched a single tear stream down Ajax’s face.  It took everything in me not to jump in his lap and hug, kiss and comfort him, but I knew that this was a call out to Nico and only Nico could make it right.  I watched Nico’s mouth open and close as if he couldn’t find the words.

“I need you Nico,” Ajax repeated, summing it all up concisely.

“I don’t know what to say…I’m sorry Jax…I never…I guess…I didn’t realize…”

“Nico,” I spoke up quietly, both men turned to me, “even if…umm…no matter what happens in the future, we’re still family and can help you get through stuff.  There’s no need to hurt on your own.  It’s important for us to be able to help you, it helps us get through it too because it didn’t just happen to you and Finn.  It happened to all of us.  We all felt the repercussions.  We all felt the pain.”

“I’m sorry Benji, I know that you did.” Nico sat up a little taller it seemed and his voice took on a more familiar tone, “Benji, I want to thank you for being such a good friend to…him.  It’s because of your support that he got through it all and has turned himself into such a success.”

“He’s not through it all Nico.”

“Benji…” Ajax interjected.

“No Ajax, Nico needs to know.  Finn’s come a long way, but he still has his ups and downs.  Declan really did a number on him, trying to control him and tell him how he should feel, think and even paint.  Finn came back in part to get away from him, he never believed all the crap that Declan was spouting, he…he still misses you.”

“I’m not the same man I was Benji, I…I can’t be there for him…in that way again, it's just not possible.  You have to understand that I can’t see him again...the other day was a mistake…it really threw me and…as you can see, several bottles of Petrone later…I’d actually gotten a handle on the more…destructive behaviour, but seeing him was like getting hit by a truck and all the progress I’ve made in the last couple of years…went out the window.”  He turned his face back to Ajax. “I’ll stay Jax, at least for now, help at the office, take back my responsibilities there, be the brother you need…but…Benji.”  Nico sighed and returned his gaze to me, “I’m not strong enough to see…to…to see Finn again.  I’m not a good person for him and being around him is too painful.  I want what’s best for him, but I can’t be his friend.”

Before I could object, Ajax lifted his hand to stop me.  “That’s okay Nico, we’re not asking that.  That’s not our place.  All we want is for you to start living again, re-join the human race.  We’re not asking any more than that.”

Nico looked from Ajax to me and I nodded. Baby steps…

"And promise me you won't take off again, at least without telling me?" Ajax said to Nico.

"I promise."  I watched as the brothers looked intently at each other and Nico was the first one to break, sighing as he shrugged his shoulder, "I promise," he reiterated with a sincere cadence in his voice.

After brunch we decided to go for a walk around the decks and ended up in Nico’s billiard room where we played a few rounds, followed by a visit to his bar for a few beers (Nico only had one) and a dart tournament.  We even got Nico laughing a few times which was great to see.   At 6:30, Ajax convinced him to come out to dinner with us and we went to one of their favourite restaurants that was near the marina.

When we dropped off Nico back at the dock they made some plans for the next day.  Ajax had already planned to take the morning off with me because I had an eye exam and couldn’t drive myself back because they were putting those drops in that dilated your pupils.  Well…I could drive myself back, but he wouldn’t let me because…well because he’s a bit overprotective, but I didn’t fight him on it because we got to sleep in together since the appointment wasn’t until 10:30. 

Finn was going to meet me for lunch afterwards since I would already be downtown; we were going to go take some measurements at his new apartment after lunch and then start looking for some new furniture.  Liam was spending the day with Jonah, so Finn was free for the whole afternoon…but these were plans I hadn’t told Ajax yet…

“So let’s meet for lunch and then we can head over to the office together after.  I’ll get you caught up on the new accounts and hand off some of the negotiations, sound like a plan?” Ajax asked.

“Sure, name the time and place.”

“I’m taking Benji to an eye appointment in the morning, when we get back home I’ll send you a text to confirm the time...we should be able to meet probably around 1:00 or 1:30?  We’ll decide where in the morning.” 

Should I tell him I don’t need a ride back home…for some reason I stayed quiet.

“Okay Jax…thanks for coming you guys.  It’s actually been a good day.  Best one in a while.”

“We’ll have lots more of them brother,” Ajax replied, grabbing Nico in a hug.

“Thanks Nico, I had fun too,” I said when he turned to me with open arms.  He pulled me close and gave me a squeeze as he whispered into my ears.  “Thanks Benji.  For everything.” 

Don’t thank me yet old man.

By the time we got home it was late.  When we walked in Finn was seated at the kitchen island drinking some water and reading a newspaper.  “Hey Finn, how’s it going dude?” I said as I walked over and grabbed him from behind and kissing his cheek.  “Did you have a good day?”

“Ahhh,” he yelled, almost falling off the stool.  Hey, not my fault.  “Yeah Benj, it was good, how about you guys?  What were you up to?”

“We took a ride down the coast,” Ajax said. “Had supper on the way back, have you eaten yet?”

“Yup.  I had dinner with Garrett, you know, the guy who manages Juntado?  Gave us a chance to talk about the show I’m going to do there in September.  He’s a pretty cool guy too.  Knows his stuff!  He’s been all over the world, studied in Europe…”

“Garrett…what’s his last name?” Ajax asked.

“Brighton. Garrett Brighton. Why, do you know him?”

“Yeah, I think I met him once…”  Ajax trailed off.  “Hey, I need to go check my email before I head to bed.”  Ajax came over and kissed my head, “Don’t stay up too late baby.”

“Good night Finn,” he said as he left the room.

“Night Ajax.”  Finn turned back to me after we left.  “So we still on for lunch tomorrow?  I have to go over to campus in the morning to get my classes finalized and meet with my adviser, but I should be able to meet you any time after 1:00.”

“Sure, where do you want to go?”

“I was thinking of that little café we discovered last week, on Bellamy?  Garrett said it was really good; quiet and usually not too crowded, they make all their stuff homemade, classic comfort food and if it’s a nice day we can sit out in the courtyard at one of the outdoor tables.”

“Okay, 1:00 then?”

“Yeah…perfect.”

“Cool.  Okay dorkster, I’m headed to bed.  Come give me a big wet smooch.”  I flapped my lips like a fish and started descending on my toe headed friend.

“Fuck no!  Not a fish kiss!  Last time you left a big red mark on my cheek that didn’t go away for a day!”  He tried to push me away, but no one can defy the luscious luring lips of a giant lamprey.

“Come to me Finn,” I growled, “Let me suck on your cheek!”  Finn was now running towards his room as I chased behind him making gross sucking sounds.  He tore into his room, but wasn’t fast enough getting the door shut so I tackled him onto his bed tickling his sides while I leaned down, my mouth now making smacking sounds as I slobbered all over his cheek.”

“You’re such a dork Benji,” he cried out, gasping for breath as he tried to keep from laughing.  “You’re like an overgrown…(ah!)…12 year old…Stahp!...hyper…(gasp)…kid…(heehee)…on crack!” 

When I finally let up, he was left gasping for air and red in the face.  I stood up, brushed myself off, and gave him a wry smile. “My work here is done.  Good night.”  I stuck my head up all noble-y and walked out the door.

“See you tomorrow weirdo,” Finn called out as I closed his door.

The next morning Finn had left the house before we got up.  Instead of making breakfast we decided to stop and get some fruit smoothies on the way to the eye clinic.  "I hope they don't tell me I need glasses," I fretted, "Glasses would detract from my natural good looks."

"I like glasses on guys, makes them look intelligent and…debonair," Ajax replied casually.  He was only saying that because he thought I needed glasses, I was sure.  Just because I had a little trouble seeing things that were far away.  I don’t know what the problem is, if it's not near ME, it can't be worth a clear look anyway.  I let out a laugh, resulting in a confused look from Ajax.  But he was used to my odd behaviour by now, so he just turned back to the traffic ahead of us.

I still hadn't come up with a plan for today…I was still debating whether or not I should even interfere.  First of all, what if one of them or both of them do end up getting hurt.  Second, Ajax would probably get really mad at me anyway.  Like super-duper punishment time.  But he loved me, so he would eventually get over it.  I was sure of that.  It took him long enough to tell me, I'm pretty sure he wasn't going to send me packing yet.

"Here we are pet," Ajax said as we pulled into the parking lot.  "On time for once," he added, giving me a look.

"Wha…"

"Let's go in," he directed, popping out of the car before I could call him on his little comment.

Okay…it turns out I do need glasses…but ONLY FOR DRIVING!  YAY!  And Ajax helped me pick out a couple of pairs.  One are normal, but sexy, yeah!  The other are prescription sunglasses, and I look really slick in them, like way cool…of course.  Who am I kidding, you can't keep looks like these down.

"Let me take you home and then I'll figure out where to meet Nico."

"What about that café on Bellamy, I heard it was really cool and today's a perfect day to sit out on their patio?"

"Hmm, yeah. I went there once a long time ago, don't know why I haven't been back, it was really good.  Great idea Benj.  Here, can you text Nico while I'm driving, tell him I'll meet him around.." 

I took Ajax's phone from his hand, "I'll tell him you'll meet him at 1:00pm, that gives you plenty of time," I suggested.

"Okay."

"Even gives us time for a quickie before you leave," I said leeringly while I wiggled my eyebrows.

"You're insatiable Benji St. Clair."

"I know!!!"

When we got home I followed Ajax into the house.  I was still carrying his phone and while he headed to his office to quickly check his email, his phone dinged.  "Is that a reply from Nico?" he called.

I looked down at the message, see you then.  

"Yeah Ajax, he says he can't meet you for lunch after all, something about a problem on the boat, but he'll text you later to reschedule."

"Ah crap, he'd better text me later, I'm not letting him off the hook from work!  Text him back and tell him that," Ajax called.  I quickly replied back, "ok."

Just to be safe I dropped his phone under a cushion on the couch…now it was Operation Distract Ajax!  I quickly whipped off all my clothes and sauntered my way to his office.

"I know you're disappointed about rescheduling," I said sexily as I could, "Is there any way I can make it up to you?"  I walked over to an open-mouthed Ajax who sat at his desk.  Pushing back his chair I sat down, straddling his lap.  "Come on daddy, let me make it up to you?"

He let out a low growl in reply, pushing his buttons with the whole daddy thing was sure to rack up a few punishment spanks.  Grinding into his lap just upped the ante.

Finn

"Thanks Anthony, it was nice meeting you."  I stood up and shook hands with my new Fine Arts advisor.  We had worked out a course schedule together after he reviewed my transfer documents and I showed him my portfolio.  He was very complimentary and said I would be an asset to the art department, which made me feel pretty great.  After that he gave me a tour of the building complex that was dedicated to Art & Architecture and then we ended up back in his office again.

 "It was great meeting you Finn, I look forward to seeing some of your new work.  Keep me posted about the dates of your show at Juntado.  You couldn't have chosen a better gallery!  They've gotten all sorts of great press including Best new Gallery.  You'll do very well there and then the University has several shows starting at the end of September as well.

After I left campus it took me about 25 minutes to walk to the café, but the walk felt good and I was still about 15 minutes early.  I found a table and pulled out my sketch book. I ordered a coffee while I waited and began a series of figure studies, practicing for an Advanced Figure class that Anthony had suggested. I drew a nude male form in several positions, just from the neck down, starting with small gestures, then poses focusing on getting the muscles correctly flexed in the back and legs.  My pencils flowed effortlessly across the page as I let my mind go and let my drawing muse take over. 

Pleased with how they were coming I paused to take a few sips of my coffee while I gazed over the anonymous body…

My chest suddenly tightened as I recognized the headless form I had been drawing.  The long lean, but muscular legs, powerful arms, well developed pecs, broad back, shit, even the armpits were beautiful; accentuating his biceps as his arms were raised over his head, the play of light and shadow…I took a deep breath to try to calm my nerves that were now running amok trying to shatter the cool façade I'd so carefully created.  I put the sketch book down and took some long, deep breaths counting to five on each inhale and exhale as my old therapist had taught me when I used to suffer from panic attacks.

Where's Benji, I wondered.  I looked up from the table to see if I could see him coming down the street.  I watched people coming and going for a bit, sipping my coffee every now and then.

Suddenly my composure dropped again.  I blinked my eyes several times.

No.

It couldn't be.

I slapped my face a few times and rubbed my eyes.  I think my heart might have stopped and I made a fist and pounded my chest lightly. 

My mouth went completely dry as I watched the familiar tall man with dark hair walking down the street heading for the café.  He looked thin, much thinner than the last time I had seen him, and he didn't walk with the confidence that was so characteristic…but he was still stunning.  His hair was longer and he was unshaven, he didn't look himself…he looked…broken?  I quietly hissed out a breath as my heart twisted and ached while continuing to pound against my ribcage.

He was now stepping into the cordoned off area of the patio looking around.  I'm sure I sat there with my mouth wide open, but I couldn't move.  I couldn't speak, I could barely think.

When our eyes met, his face kind of did the same thing.  His jaw went slack and his cerulean eyes focused on me so intently I thought I thought they'd burn a hole through my flesh.

We didn't move, it felt like an eternity, just staring at each other.  His eyes looking me over as mine did the same to him.  It could have been as long as five minutes, but I'm sure it wasn't, it just felt like time stood still.

"I'm sorry," he finally uttered in a breathy, nervous voice and turned to leave.  I watched him walking out the patio and he was half a block away before I woke from my trance and I shot up and ran after him.

“Nico, wait.”  I ran after, but he kept going.  "Please wait!" I called louder.  I don't know why I was chasing him…I had no idea what I would say, but I couldn't let him just walk away.

Finally he stopped after another plea, but didn't turn to face me.  His head dropped forward in defeat.

There were a million things I wanted to say and nothing at all.  I wanted to yell and scream, I wanted to cry and plead…and…I really just wanted to talk.

“Can we talk?”

Nico slowly turned around, his eyes looked glassy with moisture. 

“Can I buy you a cup of coffee Nico?”

I took a few tentative steps closer as he stood frozen.  He didn't look like he was going to answer or move anytime soon so I reached towards him and took him by the cuff of his loose shirt, afraid to touch the skin on his hand.  Afraid what that would do.  I gave him a little pull and gestured with my head toward the café.  When he didn't move I gave him another tug and slowly his legs started to move.

“I just want to talk,” I said calmly, afraid to spook him.  A thousand emotions were running through my head, but I was running sheerly on instinct.