Unconfessed Sins

Chapter Four

Over the next five months Mother Superior grew weaker and weaker until she was unable to walk to the chapel for prayers, so the nuns came daily to pray with her in her cell. Sister Augusta, in particular helped to nurse her, wash her, and feed her nourishing home made soup. The nuns had brought little items to her room to make it more comfortable. A silver candlestick which usually stood with its counterpart on the altar; a soft chair for any visitors and a vase of flowers made the stark cell a little more homely. A silver cross was placed on the small window sill and when the sun shone it's reflection flickered on the opposite wall. And yesterday, her blood sisters had visited her and said their goodbyes and it had made her happy.

"Father Liam is coming to see you." said sister Augusta as she settled Mother Superior gently onto her pillows.

"Thank you. You have been so..... kind to me." said Mother Superior, her voice cracking with the effort to speak.

"It is nothing, mother. We are God's family, aren't we?"

"I know, but..... I appreciate all you are doing."

Sister Augusta smiled at her and replied. "I will bring you some fresh flowers from the garden Mother, when I come back later." She left, taking the tray of soup and dishes with her.

As sister Augusta left, Father Liam arrived. He placed his hat and coat on the peg against the wall and sat on the soft chair next to her bed, smiling down on her.

"It is always so nice... to see you.... Father." she said.

"How are you today?" he asked.

She looked up at his familiar face, so full of compassion and it pulled at her heart strings. They had so little time left together now.

"I no longer feel afraid, Father and I am in no pain, since you... prayed for me..."

Father Liam's eyes softened, "I am glad, so I am."

"Have you time to hear... confession, Father?"

"Yes, of course. I will certainly hear your confession, if you wish."

Mother Superior shifted in the bed so that she was on her side and reached for Liam's hand.

"I have an unconfessed sin, ... although God forgave me long ago. This sin has never been confessed to a Priest and I must... before I die."

"Then I don't think you should tell me." said Father Liam, shaking his head.

"Please, I want you to... absolve me. It has been preying... on my mind. I need to share it with... another human being." she replied.

Father Liam stood up and fixed his stole around his neck and kissed his cross. He sat down again. "I am ready to hear your confession, daughter." he said. She crossed herself and said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned... when I was a young I met Alec. We became lovers and I thought I loved him. We used contraceptives, which is a sin..., as you know." She paused for breath, this long conversation was taking it's toll on her.

"I realised I was not cut out to be a wife and mother and I broke off the relationship... childbirth and motherhood is... anathema to me. Alec took it hard... he had a breakdown. He was so ill... it was a terrible worry for his family. I regretted... hurting him, but I knew I was being called to serve God. I have never told anyone... you are the first...."

She watched him closely and saw surprise etched upon his face. She reached out and touched his hands again and immediately saw pity in his eyes.

"I could not bear to tell others... they were so 'holier than thou,'" she whispered.

"I just couldn't!"

Father Liam made the sign of the cross on her forehead and said, "I absolve you of all sin and God has forgiven you, daughter. You must say one 'Hail Mary'. Go in peace."

She softly repeated the Hail Mary, "I will die in peace now." she said.

Father Liam put his stole and cross away in his bag and sat again at her bed side.

"Since we are on the subject of unconfessed sins, I have a confession to make to you." he said.

"To me?" she whispered.

"I haven't confessed this to a priest, for roughly the same reasons as you. I trust you more than any living person."

"It is a big day... for us both." she replied.

"Did I ever mention my brother to you?"

Mother Superior shook her head.

"He trod a very different path to me, he was always ducking and diving and getting into trouble. I feared he would end up in prison. One evening, quite late at night I was still at the church, in the vestry, when he came in. I was still a young Priest, starting out at the time. We argued and he threatened me saying he would kill me unless I gave him money. He scared me witless. I had no money of my own, but in the petty cash box, waiting to go to the bank, was the money from the Summer Fete. We had raised £150 and it was to go to the repairs to the church roof. I carelessly gave him fifty pounds from the petty cash box and then put it back where it belonged, he watching all the time. I hoped that I could replace the money before we had to take it to the bank."

Mother Superior watched as Father Liam spoke. She could tell he was mortified by what he had done. Father Liam paused, frowning.

"He must have come back later in the night for the rest of the money and the next thing I knew the fire brigade had been called as a fire was raging in the church. I am sure he started the fire, but I said nothing about his visit or my suspicions. In fact, I lied to the Police. He had always scared me and I thought he would certainly carry out his threat. He was well known for his violence! Some fearless 'Man of God' I am!"

"It has weighed on you..." said Mother.

Father Liam shrugged his shoulders. "I was weak, I know and stupid to boot.

The insurance covered the loss of the money and the repairs to the church. I never saw my brother again, but a few years later he was murdered by some of his cronies and dumped in a river. I had to identify his body."

"Awful!"

"It was wrong, what I did, whatever the circumstances. God did forgive me, but this has never been confessed to a priest."

"Will you confess... on your deathbed?" Mother whispered.

"I don't know. The Archdeacon is a sympathetic man, I may tell him. I'll have to think about it. Seems ridiculous, when God has already forgiven me."

"Yes, but we go through the rituals of the Faith we believe in."

"Sometimes, I wonder what I believe in at all!"

Mother Superior shifted her position in the bed. "This is my fault" she whispered "My illness has... made you depressed. Please don't feel... down. I will pass onto the next stage of my existence... you will pass over when it is your time. I know God is waiting... to welcome me home."

Father Liam lifted his hand and stroked her face with his fingers, "You are a precious jewel in his Crown." he said.

A strange notion passed through Mother Superior's mind. 'He loves me!' she thought. And an instant later she knew that she returned those feelings of love. Pure love, unsullied by any sexual feelings. It crossed her mind that he had acted inappropriately by touching her face, but she could not bring herself to be cross with him and she smiled up at him.

"Father, you should go. Perhaps... tomorrow... the last rites? I feel very tired now..."

"Yes, if you wish." he replied. "God Bless you and keep you."

He put on his hat and coat, casting her just one more glance before reluctantly, leaving the room.

When Father Liam had gone she relived all of the evenings they had spent together talking. She knew, from what he had said, that he had easily fallen into the ways of a Priest and had never had any sexual feelings which, he said, had made him something of an oddity. She also knew that he was the most compassionate person she had ever met and when she died he would cry. They often saw him crying when one of the nuns died, but they did not see it as any kind of weakness. She recalled the loving touch of his fingers on her cheek and was filled with a warm, contented feeling, before she fell asleep.