Unconfessed Sins

Chapter Five

It was the end of a long day and Father Liam felt as if his insides had been pulled out through his ears! His stomach was churning and he had the most fearful headache. Early morning, he had called upon Mother Superior who had grown weaker during the night and could barely speak. He had given her the last rites, which had given her great peace and comfort, but had left him feeling hollow and empty.

That morning was confession for his parishioners and it had been such a dreary affair. Everyone had been coughing and spluttering as there was a cold bug going around and he had felt relieved to go home to his lunch! He hoped he didn't come down with the dreaded lurgy.

He had motored to Clevedon in the early afternoon for a meeting and then later in the afternoon, motored back to Bristol to meet the Archdeacon for yet another.

He had then confessed his 'unconfessed sin' to the Archdeacon who had absolved him. He remembered to tell the Archdeacon that he had also added £25 of his own personal money to the money paid out by the Insurance for the church fire. The Archdeacon had been pleased about that, if not a little disappointed in his bad behaviour, but as he said "It was a long time ago, Liam." But sin was sin, wasn't it? Never mind when it had been perpetrated! Perhaps now he could feel some peace, having shared his sin with another human being. He was also feeling confused because of the way he had touched Mother Superior's face, surely it had been inappropriate for a Priest? Although, truth to tell, he did not regret it one bit.

It was now 8.30 pm and he was still in the church sitting in the vestry, preparing the paperwork for a young catholic couple, members of the church, who were getting married on Saturday. It would be a most happy occasion for the whole church, but try as he might he was not looking forward to it. How could he bring himself to feel happy about anything, under these circumstances?

Suddenly he heard feet pounding down the aisle of the church and a loud voice calling 'Father Liam, are you there?' It sounded like one of the nuns and he wondered what the matter was, when a feeling like a hand squeezing his heart took him by surprise. Surely, Mother Superior was nearing her death and he was needed!

The youngest nun, Sister Mary, had cycled two miles in the pouring rain, so Father Liam made her leave her bicycle behind and he took her in his car back to the convent. They hurried through the cloisters into the convent and into the cell of Mother Superior. Sister Augusta and Sister Bernadette were kneeling by her bedside praying. He and Sister Mary stood quietly by while the sisters finished their prayer then Sister Bernadette stood up, her eyes wet with tears. "She has passed, Father. She died peacefully and in no pain just five minutes ago. It is a truly sad day for us all." He felt numb and in immense pain all at once, but went through a set of prayers like an automaton.

He looked at Mother Superior's pale face, still lovely in death and he placed her arms across her body, in the shape of the cross. How he would miss this kind, gentle woman who was so loved within the community. How would they manage to face another day without her?

The nuns made a fuss of him and led him to the kitchen for tea and cake. He sat at the table sipping his tea. "You will miss her friendship, won't you Father?" said Sister Augusta, "I know you were fond of each other." The tears Liam had left unshed were then released and he sobbed onto his arm on the table.

Father Liam was standing near the doorway, putting his hat and coat on to leave, when the elderly nun Sister Angelina came hobbling, slowly up to him. She had very painful knees and could no longer kneel to pray and was forced to use a walking stick. She was the most empathetic of the nuns in a way. She could always find the right word for any person in any situation and it always hit the heart of those listening.

"I must tell you this Father Liam," she said. "I feel it may be of some comfort to you to know it. I was with Mother Superior just before she passed over. Oh, Father, it was a most spiritual moment, we both, she and I, heard the Angels sing! There was a bright flash of white light at the window, we both saw it! The cross shone like gold and then the Angels began to sing. It was the most lovely thing! The others did not appear to notice it at all and I said nothing. Mother opened her eyes in rapture and then peacefully left this earth! I did not stay then, the cell is so small, I left before they started to say their prayers. What do you think, Father? Isn't it wonderful? I have not had such an experience before, it was so uplifting!"

Father Liam said "It is gratifying to know that you were with her at the end Sister and that you shared such a lovely spiritual moment together."

"Oh, yes, Father it was! As you know, spiritual moments are few and far between."

She paused and reached for his hand and then continued.

"That cell was never intended as a room, Father, it is half the size of the others. I said 'We won't be able to swing the cat in here, Mother!' She laughed at me, but insisted we use it for her sickness as it was nearer the kitchen and the bathroom, to make it easier for us to care for her. She always thought of others before herself. She was like a daughter to me; I feel her loss deeply."

"Yes, we will all miss her." Father Liam replied.

"And Father, she made us shave her hair to make it easier to wash her. I felt so sad to see her hair cut off. It was painful to watch – but it was right – it did make it easier for us."

A lump formed in Father Liam's throat and he could find no words to speak.

As if completely understanding his feelings, Sister Angelina continued.

"Our pain will lessen with time Father, we must take each day as it comes.

'The Lord has given and the Lord has taken away. Blessed Be The Name Of The Lord!' "

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A simple funeral was arranged for Mother Superior and the Archdeacon took the service. He mentioned that she had been the youngest ever Mother Superior in the British Isles and recited a long list of her achievements and qualities. Father Liam helped with the Mass, distributing the bread and the wine. He saw Sister Anna in the congregation and was pleased she had come to pay her respects.

After the service, Mother Superior was laid to rest in the church yard with all of her Sisters in Christ in attendance, the Archdeacon and Father Liam. Her two blood sisters were also invited. Fortunately, it was a lovely sunny day which helped to dispel any feelings of depression amongst them all. They all placed flowers on her coffin and said their farewells.

That night Father Liam cried more tears than he had ever shed before. He felt exhausted, as if he could barely place one foot in front of the other. He was not sure he could face another day.

* * * * * * * * * *

The next time Father Liam visited the convent to take the nuns' confession he went to the churchyard and knelt by Mother Superior's grave. Her passing had created a dark void in his life which he felt could never be filled, but he was glad of the experience in a strange way as now he understood the grief his parishioners felt when they suffered bereavement.

He was sorry he hadn't thought to bring any flowers and was deep in his thoughts when Sister Bernadette came up to him. "Father, there you are. I have brought you a red rose to put on Mother Superior's grave. She told me she liked them best." She handed him the rose and he looked at it and then at the nun as she walked away. 'How strange', he thought. 'Does she know how I feel about you, dear Yvette'?

He was about to get into his car to leave the convent when Sister Augusta sought him out. "Before you go Father, I forgot to give you this. It is from Mother Superior, I believe it is a Latin book you once admired. She wanted you to have it." He was taken aback that she would leave him anything and couldn't wait to return to the Presbytery to open it up.

Jimmy, the presbytery cat who had been kindly 'adopted' by Mrs Haines was sitting in front of the fire purring quietly. Father Liam leant down and stroked his head. "Oh, Jimmy! What a day it has been, it's glad I am to be home!" Father Liam quickly went into the kitchen and made himself a cup of tea and then sat in his favourite chair near the fire. He reached for the brown paper parcel which he had put on the small side table and opened it up. It was indeed the blue leather Latin book that he had so admired and inside the front cover was written the inscription, in Mother Superior's neat handwriting:- 'To Liam. The One I Love. I am waiting for you on the other side.'

And as he read these words, he wept tears of joy.

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As Father Liam hurried through the damp, musty cloisters he could feel the uneven cobbles through his shoes. Sister Augusta had stepped in as head of the convent for a while, but now another nun had been brought in from another city to take over as Mother Superior. He was going to meet her now. He was not looking forward to the experience, but he hoped he could find it within himself to be charitable. How could he stop himself from comparing her with his beloved?

A high wind swept through the open arched apertures of the cloisters making him shiver. It was a dark and dismal day for August and his robes flapped against his body in the wind. He disliked this place intensely and always wondered if something murderous had happened here. He felt such strange vibrations in this ancient place. It was a fanciful notion for a Priest perhaps, but he felt it, strongly, each time he walked here.

He forced himself to slacken his pace and walked carefully to the end of the passage, casting a hasty glance over his shoulder before passing through the large wooden door which led into the convent.

THE END