(new chapter)

"Goodness, Y/N... what are you doing to yourself?" Sung-kyung murmurs as I open the door of my apartment, her eyes filling with sadness as soon as she sees me standing in front of her with red eyes and a pale complexion.

She steps inside and shuts the door behind her before leading me to the couch, her touch so soothing to me right now, her magic comforting, hers and Bo-young's the only ones I'm allowed to feel due to our closeness that don't hurt me.

"I really don't like seeing you like that, bubs, you really need to start thinking about removing your collar when at home, resisting against it is slowly killing you, have you even seen yourself? You weren't like that this morning, what happened?" she asks me, her tone scolding, yet her hands treat me so gently as she pulls the blanket behind her over my chilling body.

"You know I'm not doing that, and nothing happened, I'm just tired" I retort and she tsks her tongue.

"So you're just going to get yourself killed then? You'll let yourself become an atomic bomb in the process?" she snaps back and I purse my lips, eyes avoiding hers.

That's certainly not my goal, but it does feel like I'm reaching that point. Coughing out blood earlier wasn't so great and I still haven't really recovered from that one, but what else can I say? What can I do? Putting others in danger just to save my skin? No thank you.

She sighs. "I understand, Y/N, I really do, but this? This is torture, you're torturing yourself. And for what? The past is behind you, you do know that, right? You can't let it do that to you all your life, you need to let it go, this isn't healthy, I'm worried".

Her voice is honest, soft and I feel terrible for doing that to her, but the solution she sees to this situation isn't one I can accept, and she knows that, as stubborn as she is to keep trying to convince me.

I shake my head and huff out softly, body and mind exhausted and in no way ready to get into that with her. We've already gone over this more than once and look at us, nothing changed. Anyway, it's too late right now, I just want to sleep and her being here at this very moment is only because I want explanations.

"What you told me on the phone, about me being in danger, about those who might be after me now, tell me more about that" I ask her and she stares at me, concern merging into anger, that I'm changing the subject so easily, but also because I'm not listening to her good point.

I know she's right, but I just can't. I can't.

"It's exactly as I said" she relents, her body slouching on the couch next to me. "Remember what the two men said, about how they were forced to do what they did, that the only reason they did what they did in the first place is because they were threatened, the man behind these decisions wanting nothing but death. Can you imagine how he would feel after seeing your magic in action? Something that could stop the strong explosion he had prepared, stopped by a single person?" she starts and I bite the inside of my cheek as I think about it from an outside perspective.

If I wanted nothing but death and saw someone with a magic strong enough to stop something made to kill hundreds of people, a magic that looks like it can do just as much damage?

"They'll want to make use of me to kill, just like with the others" I let out and she remains quiet, the only sound leaving her a sigh.

They could use anything they consider important enough to me to get me to do their bidding, something about how I need to do exactly what they want if I want my loved ones safe and sound. That's a classic move from a villain, but it doesn't make it any less scary.

"That's what we fear, yes" she eventually responds before turning to me.

"That's why you're going to get an escort. Eunwoo and I, we're going to drive you to work, we'll pick you up as well, we'll keep an eye on your home, you won't even notice us, all we ask of you is that when you do have to leave, let us know. My dad agreed to it, eagerly must I add, he's worried as well. You know, he'd love to have you call more often, he misses you" she says the end in a whisper as I process her words, the idea of having her and Eunwoo look after me not something that bothers me too much.

What affects me more from what she just said is the part about her dad.

Mr. Bang, the man who's treated me as his own from the moment I arrived at the station covered in blood on that terrible day, the man who hugged me tightly, a warm embrace even after hearing about what happened, how absolutely disgusting my magic was, how much pain it caused.

The man who offered me a family, a good paternal figure and a sister. There is no way I could ever thank him enough for what he's offered me, but the last thing I want is him seeing me this way. I know I couldn't handle seeing the broken heart in his eyes, I couldn't handle telling him that I deserve this.

Just like Sung-kyung, he would try to convince me, he would tell me that what happened wasn't my fault, that none of it was my fault, but those words are lies. They're said only to make me feel better, but they don't represent the truth.

As much as I too want to believe that it wasn't my fault, it was, nothing can change that. I will never be able to forgive myself, I will never be able to forgive my magic. What happened that day will remain engraved in my soul for the rest of my life, it's my reminder that I am not allowed a happy life, not the way I want it.

If I were to tell him that, to him and to Sung-kyung? They wouldn't let it go, they would insist even more, they would force help on me, they would force their belief, their vision on me until I would agree with them.

They're good people, too good and that leads them to want the best for everyone around them, but that doesn't always mean that the people they try to help deserve it. I sure don't.

I just need to hold on until my magic is so severed that it can't serve ever again. If that can happen, if it can die down, I could finally let go of the fight that I'm leading. Once my magic reaches a point where it can't exist anymore, then I can let go of my collar, but not before.

"Do you guys have an idea of who could be behind the two events? Who could want to kill so many innocent people? Is there anything linking the two incidents? There has to be a hint somewhere" I ask her, feel her disappointment towards me increase as I ignore once more something important, something I try to ignore as best as I can, my pride getting the best of me.

I'm mentally not ready to face anything at the moment. The simple thought of calling anyone, of seeing my soulmates, it causes my soul to shrink back in fear. I'm starting to apprehend the way my body might get affected if I try to do anything I shouldn't again.

I might really have to start looking into moving away. Seeing these men can't happen again, I can't anymore, it would break down the last of my walls, the only walls keeping my magic from bursting out as it becomes more and more restless, impatient, angry with me.

I seem to be making everyone angry around me. I cause everyone to worry about me and that's not how I'd meant to live my life. I was supposed to keep low, I was supposed to just... work, spend time with my best friends, then head back home, and repeat.

But this mess? It's not like anything I had predicted, not like anything I had planned and I don't know how to stop it, I don't know how to stop whatever's happening anymore. It's like I've jumped in the river and it's leading me straight to a waterfall, leading me straight to my end.

"We don't. We're working on that so you should keep an eye open, stay out of danger, don't do anything reckless. If you see anything suspicious, don't stay long enough to find out what it is, call us instead, let us know where and go somewhere safe, alright?".

I nod, that I can do. It's going to be easy because from now on? I simply don't intend to leave home except for work. I wont be going back to the coffee shop, I won't be seeing Jimin and Hoseok anymore. I'll make sure I don't have to face any of my soulmates anymore, I can't.

If I could reject them? I would, definitely. Everything to keep them safe from me. The best way I can achieve that for now is by pulling myself out of their lives. I've let this go on for long enough.

"It's going to be just you and Eunwoo driving me around, right?" I let out, feel the weight of her gaze on me before she nods, observant, analyzing my words.

"Yes, it's going to be just him and I. Y/N, what is going on? You've been... weird since the day of the explosion. Be honest with me. What's going on in your mind? You make me feel really concerned".

I shrug. "It's nothing really, I'm just tired, I promise. I used a lot of magic, it was mentally exhausting, I just need to rest" I tell her but she shakes her head, unable to believe such an easy excuse.

"I call bullshit. That's not the real reason. Does it have to do with the guys? Is there something going on that you're not telling me? You know you can tell me anything, right? I'm not going to judge you, you're like a sister to me, I just want what's best for you".

Again with the sweet voice of hers, trying to coax me into spilling every single one of my secrets. I huff softly, my ability to endure this getting lower and lower. I really just want to go to bed right now and forget about every single one of my problems, that's all I want.

"Why would it have anything to do with the guys? I'm telling you, I'm just tired".

"Y/N I swear, if you keep lying like that... You were weird at the hospital, with Namjoon, with Jin, and today? Today you saw Yoongi, Jimin and Hoseok. Both times had to do with them, I'm not blind, there's something going on with them and it's hurting you. Are they... are they your soulmates?".

Fucking hell.

"No" I answer blankly but she sees right through me.

"Y/N you stop fucking lying to me right now. I'm right, aren't I? Do you have any idea what you're doing to yourself, meeting your soulmates so often with a collar? You've been meeting Jimin and Hoseok for over a year without saying anything about it? Then at the hospital... fuck, Y/N, you're pushing yourself straight to your limit, your collar's been struggling nowadays, hasn't it?".

I close my eyes without replying. Nothing's going my way. Nothing at all. I want one thing to happen and fate decides that the opposite needs to happen instead. I wonder if it just wants to annoy me, if it hates me that much. Couldn't it play along with me for just a little while?

"Don't tell them, please" I plead, eyes falling on her to see her face falling, her eyes showing me that she doesn't understand why I'm doing this to myself, as much as she tries.

"Why? You like the guys, don't you? You've seen for yourself, they're nice, they won't reject you because of the-"

"Just don't let them know. I told you, I'm not removing my collar, there's no way this is working. When my magic is severed, then maybe... but before then... things are remaining right as they are".

Sung-kyung stands up from the couch to start pacing the room, her energy growing restless, her magic confused, sad, angry.

"So you're going to let yourself be broken to the point of no return? All because of that day? You're going to make your life a living hell just because of one day?" she asks, voice almost a growl and I sigh.

This. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid.

"That day, as you say it so nonchalantly, is the day my magic killed more people than they could find. Don't you dare speak like you know what I'm going through because you don't. You don't have all those deaths on your conscience. I am not allowing my soulmates to bond with my magic, this is not happening. I'm not seeing them again and you're not telling them" I growl back, eyes meeting hers as we remain silent, her fuming and shaking while I struggle simply breathing right now, my magic painfully boiling within me.

"You know what? Fine. Just drive yourself to your fucking limit. Just get yourself killed because of a choice you believe can't be changed, because of a past you can't undo, I don't even care anymore. When you decide that you want to try something to get better, let me know but until then? Just do what you want, it's not my problem anymore" she says harshly before heading for the door.

I watch in silence as she grabs her stuff, as she exits the room and slams the door behind her.

I stay in silence as the sound of her feet stumping down the stairs slowly fade into nothingness.

I stay in silence even as tears start burning my eyes, my heart.

I'm so tired of living this pathetic life.

Taehyung's POV

"Cub, can I talk to you for a moment?" Yoongi calls out to me and I turn around on the couch to stare at him, Jimin who's been resting against me also looking at the man who's standing in the staircase, his eyes fixated on me.

I pat Jimin's thigh to make him release me and once he does, I stand up and walk to the older man who proceeds to walk up the stairs, probably heading for his room where we can speak privately, something that gives me an idea of how important this conversation is going to be.

These last few days, I've seen my soulmates become increasingly worried, sad, anxious, all of them caused by the same person, so I have a feeling this might concern the center of our attention, Y/N.

It's been hard to see all of my soulmates try to go through each days with their hearts shattering as they await news about someone who's simply... disappeared from sight, from life. Even Jungkook, who's never met her even once, has sported a frowning face of concern whenever Jimin and Hoseok are heard talking about her, their souls longing for her to come back, without success.

As for Yoongi, Jin and Namjoon? Those three are often found together talking in secret, no doubt their jobs finding a similar point of conversation, which is, again, Y/N. But even for them, I've had to watch their resolve crumble more and more, because they're not getting anything. Nothing's going well for anyone right now and I'm just here trying to pick up the pieces while mending my own.

I follow him into his room and when he closes the door behind us, Yoongi motions for me to sit with him on the bed, which I do.

Now side by side, I turn to him, notice how unsure he is about this, about whether he should be saying what he's about to say in the first place, but when his gaze meets mine, I see how he's done trying to push this conversation back, like he has to do this now before anything that's been bothering him eats him alive.

"What I'm going to tell you, Tae, please promise me you won't tell the others, not now. I have tested my theory, I'm pretty sure of what I'm about to say, but something feels wrong and I want to talk about it with you first" he says, eyes falling on my naked neck and I start understanding where he's going with this.

"With your collar... when you're with us, when your magic can't connect with ours, does it hurt?" he asks and I nod.

"It does, yes".

He purses his lips.

"What if... if someone doesn't remove their collar, ever, and keeps meeting up with soulmates?".

I take his hand in mine, the woman I saw last time flashing back in mind, the one Namjoon was meeting at the hospital, the one who saved our soulmates and so many other people.

How she seemed to be in terrible pain once she closed the door behind her, her fingers grabbing her collar, as if it could help with her hurting soul. The way she would hold onto the lunch box that I could recognize as Jin hyung's favourite, even from a distance due to its flashy pink colour.

If this is about her... my heart already constricts in pain at the thought, because if it's true that she's never removed her collar even once while meeting us? I can only imagine how absolutely atrocious it must have been for her.

"It would be a pain... like I don't wish to anyone, hyung. The pull of a magic to another... when yours can't reach out, it feels like your whole soul is fighting against you, it wants to get out, it needs to react to it. In my case, it's not too bad because my magic knows it can bond with all of yours at the end of the day, when I'm at home. For someone who never frees their magic? It's a literal suicide impending, it would be like grinding your insides into a pulp. At first, it might not be too bad, depending on your tolerance, but after a while? After a few years? You eventually reach a point of no return, your magic becomes distressed and if not released? It can kill you" I explain, every words I'm saying like a knife wound into my guts at the thought of this happening to the sweet girl I've heard so many stories about.

His magic tightly wraps around me, needing comfort and my magic responds to the touch, needing reassurance as well. They twirl together, anchor onto each other as Yoongi and I both process this harsh reality that concerns one of ours.

"Y/N... she's our soulmate" he states bluntly and I hum, not surprised. I'd seen this coming from a mile away.

When I saw her in the hospital's corridor, I saw myself in her. I saw myself when I first met my soulmates, when I first felt the bond and left them because I didn't know how to tell them. It hurt so much, I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"I know. I had a suspicion when I saw her last week" I tell him, watch as his eyes widen at me, not having expected that.

"What? You met her?" he asks but I shake my head, my fingers squeezing around his to help him keep calm, something that also helps me keep my heart from remaining stuck in my throat.

Our conversation right now, how the subject is about the pain of someone wearing a collar, it scares me, because it doesn't mean anything good. No matter the angle you analyze this discussion from, it cannot end up with something positive, especially not with the previous knowledge I got about her from Jimin.

If Yoongi found out about her being a soulmate while she was wearing her collar, it's because she's not doing such a good job at handling this anymore. Meeting with Jimin and Hoseok so often must have worn her out so now? Meeting us would be like putting salt water on raw skin and leaving us behind every single time? I don't even want to imagine. It terrifies me, what she must be feeling by now.

"The day of the explosion, I was near the hospital when I thought I could come and visit Namjoon hyung, to see how he was doing, he was working hard after all trying to take care of everyone. When I asked where he was, when I was told that he was with her, with Y/N, I thought maybe I could visit her as well, thank her for what she'd done but when I got near her room, she was already leaving. What I saw then... it made me start wondering about the what ifs, but I didn't want to jump to conclusions, as convinced as I was, it was but a brief moment seen from afar after all. But you said you tested a theory? What did you do?" I explain before asking him my question and he presses his lips into a thin line, eyes filling with guilt now that he knows more about the reality of her situation, of her state.

"It was a few days ago when she stopped by the station with Sung-kyung to bring me the notes containing information about her side of the explosion. I saw her outside and purposefully kept my magic from swarming her, even if it didn't understand why. After everything I'd heard about her, I just wanted to see if it would be the same with me, I thought maybe I was just overthinking everything. At first, she seemed fine, shaking hands had her worried but when she didn't feel pain the way she expected, she relaxed" he starts, his face falling more and more as he goes and I caress his knuckles, try to reassure him that it's fine, he did what he thought was right at the moment, he needed answers.

He sighs sadly, his actions weighing down on him.

"But for a brief second... I let my magic loose, just to see how she would react. She jumped as if she'd gotten electrocuted, pain had flashed in her eyes before disappearing just as fast when I made my magic pull back again. She'd stumbled over her words trying to explain what just happened but I could see she was lying. There weren't many ways for me to understand that, she had to have felt my magic and we're not close enough that a friendship bond would take place, it would never affect her like that, so I knew right away that she was a soulmate. I... feel so bad now though... I even asked her to visit Jimin and Hoseok, I didn't know it was that bad" he mumbles and I clench my teeth, eyes looking down to see his fingers turning white from how tight he's curling them into a fist.

"You didn't know, it's not your fault... that does explain what Jimin told me though" I sigh, soul flooded with worry for her. Yoongi stares at me, body tensing up.

"What do you mean? What happened?" he asks, knowledge he doesn't have because Jimin didn't know who to turn to, didn't know what to do. He was quickly spiraling into a panic attack and I'd caught him just in time.

It's not a matter to keep under silence though, at least Yoongi should know since he's already finding out so much.

"When Jimin drove her home, she was in an awful state, panting, incredibly pale, body shaking, he said she looked like she was being burned alive. Her state didn't get better as they went and as soon as they reached her door, she stepped inside, thanked him and closed the door in his face. He hasn't seen her since then" I explain, watch as he frowns, some links being made in his mind.

"The next day, when Sung-kyung arrived at the station, I asked her if she'd told Y/N about her getting an escort and her eyes glared at me as if I was the biggest asshole in the world. When I asked her if she was alright, if something was going on, she simply shrugged it off and left me behind. She hasn't talked to me outside of matters relating to work, nor has she talked to Jin again. Do you think she knows?" he says, his eyebrows furrowing in frustration.

I exhale deeply, mind trying to make sense of everything. Could she know? Judging from how she's avoiding them? It's highly possible.

This situation is very complicated, we'd need to ask her, get her to open up to us, but if she's avoiding my soulmates, that means Y/N probably asked her to keep the truth from us, which means she doesn't have any intentions of solving this problem.

"For now, I think it would be a good idea to keep our distance from Y/N. If any of us see her, then we need to just... let her be. Her not removing her collar and being in our presence, both are really dangerous for her at the moment. I'm afraid that we've already pushed her to her limit, if what Jimin said is anything to go by. Sung-kyung knows why Y/N isn't removing her collar, doesn't she?" I ask and he nods, his expression twisting into despair at the direction everything is taking.

"She does, but she won't tell us anything. She was very strict on that, she doesn't want to betray Y/N's trust" he answers and I can see that bothers him incredibly, especially now that he knows just how bad the situation is.

I nod my head a few times. "Try to get her to talk. Even the smallest hint, we need to know why Y/N's doing that to herself, why she's keeping herself into a world of suffering. At this pace, it won't get better and I fear we might be on a timer. We need to keep the others from meeting her, at all cost, not until she stops torturing her soul and magic like that" I tell him and he nods, determination filling all of him.

"Right. I'll see what I can do, this can't keep going like that. Thank you for talking about this with me, Taehyung-ah, I was... heck, I wasn't getting anywhere all by myself, I didn't know what to do. I'm glad I did because this? Fuck, it's a billion times worse than I thought" he lets out and I can only squeeze his hand in response.

Honestly? I'm glad he did too, we can't just walk into a straight line anymore, not without losing her.

I bite on my tongue, soul and mind fearing the worst. I'm so, so very afraid for her life.