I didn't think I would write anything here ever again, but I guess I was wrong!

Something happened yesterday and I really need to talk to someone about it!
I can't talk to my mother about it because.....!

The problem is her!

You see, I hardly tell my mother about any of my problems!
Especially when they have to do with her.

But there is a reason why I don't tell my mother.

You wanna know why?

Well......!

Because there's no point in it!

Whenever I tell my mother about something that bothers me, she always finds a way to explain it in a way that makes it look like she's right and I'm wrong!

For example, when I was a little younger, I often had the feeling that my mother loves my sister more, because she so rarely gets angry at her, but gets angry at me at least once a day!

When I told her about it, she said that she understands that I feel that way and assured me that she Infact does gets upset with my sister, just as much as she gets upset with me!
I just don't notice it because I'm mostly at school and all that.
That seemed a little strange at first.
But at that time, my sister was still in kindergarten so I figured it might be true, although I had my doubts.

However that was probably the only time where she seemed to understand my point.
But that was only, because it was pretty obvious, I would think like that, no matter if what she said was true or not.

Because by now, even when I tell her my view of the problem, I think she mostly doesn't even try to understand my point!
Even then when I understand hers!

I'll tell you about the issue that we had yesterday, as another example!

Yesterday she wanted me to put something in a drawer! She said "Put this in the second drawer from below"

That desk had 8 drawers in total.
4 small ones at the top, 2 big ones in the middle, and another 2 big ones at bottom.

However, I didn't understand.
So I didn't know which one it was.
Instead of just showing me which one it is, or at least explaining, my mother just kept on yelling at me.
When I finally found it and put the thing inside, I immediately stormed off to my room.

I just didn't get it!
Why was my mom getting so angry over a drawer of all things?!

Later that day - while I was drawing - she came to my room and tried to have a normal conversation with me.
I didn't want to talk to her, so I kept silent.
She yelled at me over a stupid drawer just like an hour ago or so!

She realized I was still angry at her, and explained to me how to tell which drawer is which, through an example on my desk.

And although I understood it now, I was still mad.
She told me that she only said it like that, because she wanted me to understand it for my future job life. And although I understand her position, she could've just explained it to me instead of yelling and calling me stupid!

So throughout the rest of the day, I still didn't want to talk to her.

But when it was time for bed and she said goodnight, she called me to her room when I didn't react.
And she knew I was still angry.

She wanted me to tell her about it, but I just said
"There's no point. I already know how that conversation would end!"

Because I did!

Every time I tell my mother about some problem I have with her, there are two possible outcomes.
And neither of them are really good for me!

Either she tells me how she thinks about the problem, and tries to convince me that I am wrong and she is right (Which never really works)!

Or

We end up arguing so much that my mother yells at me, sends me to my room and confiscates my phone!
She also tells me hurtful stuff like that if I'm so unhappy with her, I can just pack my things and go! Or that I shouldn't dare crying since I got no reason to!
Uh hello? I think not being able to talk to your mother, because she always makes you look like the bad guy is reason enough to be sad!
This outcome was obviously worse than the other, but the first one wasn't so pretty either!

One of these outcomes always comes when I talk to my mother about a problem I have with her!
That's why I never talk to my mother about my problems!
Because in the end we are either just where we left off, or we would just be even more upset with each other!
So all in all, it's simply pointless and just a waste of time!

Anyways, after realizing she wouldn't let me go until I told her my problem, I reluctantly told her about how instead of yelling at me, she could've just explained to me what she meant from the start!
After all, how am I supposed to learn it when nobody explains it to me!

And as always, we just passed the blame back and forth.
This time, the outcome was the worse one.
The one where she send me to my room and all.

She also mentioned how I never talk to her about anything. This is one of the central problems in our family!

But like I said, I don't talk to her, because there's no point!
It would just be the same outcome as all the other times!

I suppose my tendency for not talking to her about my problems with her is what's also keeping me from talking to her about problems that don't involve her!

Although she mostly calms down and gets over our arguments in a matter of hours, I take longer to get over it!

After all, I'm the one always getting the punishment!

She says I should talk to her, but what's the point of it anyways?

It either not makes the situation better at all, or makes it even worse!
And I don't think she even realizes that!

If she would, she would understand why I don't tell her stuff.

But why try to tell her?

It's not like it'll change anything anyways!

Not like it ever has............!

However, last night when I was lying in bed, while my mom was lecturing me, I felt like all it was about to burst out of me!

Like I was about to say
"DON'T YOU SEE IT?!! THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!! EVERY SINGLE TIME I TRY TO TALK TO YOU, IT ALWAYS ENDS UP LIKE THIS!! EITHER YOU TELL ME HOW I AM WRONG AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT, OR WE START ARGUING AND IN THE END YOU JUST GET ANGRY AT ME AND SEND ME TO MY ROOM, TELLING ME YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!! SOMETIMES EVEN THROWING A TANTRUM AT ME!! AND THEN YOU WONDER WHY I DON'T TALK TO YOU!
IT'S BECAUSE I'M SICK AND TIRED OF ALWAYS HAVING THESE POINTLESS ARGUMENTS WITH YOU, WHERE YOU ALWAYS SAY YOU'RE RIGHT, AND I AM WRONG!! AND IN THE END, IT CHANGES NOTHING!!
SO, WHAT'S THE FREAKING POINT OF ME TELLING YOU HOW I FEEL!!?
NOT LIKE IT MAKES ANYTHING BETTER ANYWAYS!! IT EITHER DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING AT ALL, OR MAKES IT EVEN WORSE, LIKE RIGHT NOW!!"

But I didn't say it.

But I seriously felt like I was about to.

I guess after so many years, it was only a matter of time until I finally snapped.

Not quite, but close enough.