Me and my mother had another fight today..........!

It started out the same as before:

We have a dissagreement!
I'm not able to properly talk to her!
She sends me to my room and I cry in bed, wishing I was dead or at least had a knife!
She came to my room multiple times asking me what's wrong!

Only then, something happened....!

My mother was so done with me not talking to her, she threatened me to smash my phone, throw away all my manga, and to even make me quit my job, although I like it!

I was so desperate.

I didn't want her to do any of those things, but I was so afraid of her, that I couldn't utter a single word.

I had migrene, I held my head tightly, I pulled at my hair, but nothing came out. No matter how hard I tried.

                                       
I thought this was it.......!

I thought I was gonna loose everything...!

                                        
Especially you guys!

I admit, I've been having depression for a few months now.........!
It went so far as that I was also often thinking about suicide.....!

However, every time I wished I was dead or had suicidal thoughts, I remembered how much love and support you all gave me.

And then, I'd immediantly abandon all those suicidal thoughts I had.

I didn't want to let any of you down........!

If it weren't for all of you, I'm pretty sure I would've already commited suicide by now!

In this very, very, hard time of my life, you guys were the only thing that kept me going!

My father doesn't care about me, and I had long suspected that my mother also hates me.

So, you guys were the only people who I thought would actually care if I were dead.
Yes, I barely really know any of you, but that's just how bad my situation was, or still is!

There were times where I wanted to cut myself, but luckily I never had a chance to get a knife, during those times.
So don't worry, my entire body is still clean and still cut-free!
The least I'd do is scratch myself until it turned red!

And then, when my mom actually got a trashbag and was about to throw all my manga away........
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.......I snapped!

                                                 
Finally, after all this time.....!
I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore.....!

                                             
All those emotions that I've been pushing away, because I thought my mother wouldn't understand them anyways...............!

It all came out........!

I yelled at her.

She told me to stop yelling.

And I told her I didn't care what she'd do if I didn't.

No matter if she'd hit me, threaten me to call the youth welfare office, or even kick me out!
I didn't care anymore!

If she'd take away everything that still kept me going, I might as well just take my own worthless life!
                                                            

But then, once I started, I couldn't stop anymore!

I told her that whenever I try to talk with her, she'd always deny that its her fault and I think she mostly doesn't even try to understand my point!
Even then when I understand hers!
And that's why I don't talk to her about anything!
There's no point anyways!

I told her that it hurts me whenever she's teasing me.

I even told her that I think she hates me, because of all those things she said to me in the past.

And I even told her about my suicide thoughts!

                                        
And then, something unexpected happened ............!
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. She apologizes for the teasing.....!

                                                     
At that moment, I started crying......!
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But this time, it was out of happiness......!

That was the first time my mother ever showed me some kind of remorse......!

I almost couldn't believe it......!

                                                          
She told me that no matter what things she had previously said to me out of anger, she loves me.....!

Even though I still have my doubts.

I was just too unsure of it for too long......!

But at least now, after so much time, I have finally regained a shimmer of hope, that my relationship with my mother might get better after all.

My mother and I probably still have a long way to go......!

But at least now I lnow that not all hope is lost yet......!

I also gotta thank you for helping me to make it so far up to this point.....!

Thank you.