Taehyung doesn't really like to remember his childhood. It's not like he had a bad one, he got bought everything he wanted to have. He was never alone. He had friends and he did well in school. But all those things only made his childhood something he doesn't want to remember.

It wasn't easy growing up as the only son of two successful, rich and way too influential people. Yeah, it was nice getting everything he wanted to have but he would have preferred his parents by his side than their expensive gifts to make up for their absence. His nannies were all nice women but none of them were his mother and sometimes, he just wanted her to hold him but that never happened so he stopped hoping. He stopped hoping for his mother to kiss him goodnight or his father telling him that he was doing a good job. It became his norm and he thought it was like this everywhere. A cold and distant household.

He had friends at school. Just, these friends weren't really his friends. Kids of other rich parents who all had to befriend each other because they were part of the same social circle. Taehyung never really liked any of them and he knew that they felt the same about him. He knew they were talking about him behind his back because he was too loud, too hyper and could never sit still. He got scolded by his parents quite a lot because of that, because of his behavior and over the years he lost his childishness in favor of getting cold and distant like his parents.

Grades never were that big of a problem for him but he often spaced out during lessons. Another thing his parents didn't appreciate. He was supposed to be perfect, fit to be shown off to all the other rich people and their families. Good grades were important for that. His parents made him understand that early. They were never home, never paid much attention to him but as soon as he brought back a bad grade he would get yelled at and had to study as long as he could manage to stay awake. He hated that. Always.

But it was just normal, right?

His parents weren't different from all the other parents. They disciplined him with everything they got, they yelled at him to be more normal like all the other snobbish kids, he should get perfect grades and behave. He was supposed to be the perfect son and for the outside world, they were a perfect family living high in a castle made out of silence, coldness, and loneliness. And they were perfect, no one questioned them ever but no one knew what went on behind their castle walls. No one ever saw Taehyung fall and become someone he never wanted to be, not even he noticed it.

He slowly became the son his parents wanted and he hated it. The only thing making his life worth living was acting. An interest he had taken in young years and until today it remains a secret how he managed to not lose his passion of acting when it got shoved down his throat the second he voiced his interest in it. His parents saw a prosperous future for him and so he had to work hard to become the greatest actor of all time. It was tiring, exhausting and Taehyung often wanted to give up but it remained his passion. Being someone else, even for just a second, helped him not falling into something very dangerous.

With his success as an actor came rebellion. Rebellion against everyone but especially his parents. With every sip of alcohol he took, he could see the disappointed face of his father and it just made him feel great. He should have known that he wouldn't be able to live out his rebellious phase without consequences but back then he didn't care. He just wanted to make his parents angry, to make his father look at him, really look. He wanted their attention, he wanted to show them that he could do whatever he wanted to. He wanted freedom but in the end, everything failed.

He just wanted something that his father hasn't decided for him already. Something he didn't force him to do. Because that is the worst thing about this man, the situation doesn't matter, every time something happens, his father patronizes him. Decides things above his head or without his knowledge or approval.

Taehyung doesn't care about the confused stares he gets as he sits on the park bench, tears drying on his cheeks. His mind is blank as he stares ahead in front of him, watching people walk by him without really seeing them. He hasn't felt like this in a long time, so completely empty and void of any emotion. Normally he would go to Yoongi now, talk about anything just to get warmth spreading through him again because of the mere presence of the elder male but he couldn't.

He fucking couldn't and it just hurts. He remembers the way Yoongi had looked at him, so broken, betrayed. Just the thought of it makes him choke again and pain explodes behind his ribs. It's all his fault – He knows he should have told Yoongi about the talks with Bogum but he was scared. He doesn't even know what scared him because no reaction could have been worse than what went down earlier this evening.

He sighs, wiping his face with the back of his hand to get rid of the remains of the tears and snot. His gaze falls on the paper next to him and he carefully smoothes it out. The longer he reads over the printed words the angrier he gets. By the end of it, he's trembling, anger thrumming under his skin and fresh tears prick at his eyes.

This can't be real. This must be a cruel joke. Nothing about this can be true. He knows who must be behind this and he would want nothing more than to punch them at the moment but before that, he has to confirm something else. He gets his phone out and searches for his own name. A lot of articles come up and dread settles in his stomach.

No, no, no, no, this can't be true.

He hasn't even noticed that he's already dialing the number when the other person picks up.

"Hello – " Taehyung just sees red as soon as he hears the voice and doesn't even let the person finish before he starts yelling. He doesn't care about the other people around him, doesn't care about the stares he might get. Not right now.

"What the actual fuck?!" His furious gaze travels over to the two people who have stopped a few feet away from him and as soon as their eyes lock they quickly hurry along. He's glad, he doesn't actually want someone to listen to his conversation. It would be better if he were somewhere private but it's not like he can just go somewhere. At least the late evening approaches fast and most of the people are gone from the park by now.

"Taehyung, language!" The man on the other line scolds him harshly but Taehyung only gets angrier because of it. He spent a good chunk of his life listening to him and if not now, then when should he really rebel and fight against the voice keeping him small?

"You know what? Fuck you, dad." His heart is pounding in his throat and the grip on his phone is so tight that his knuckles hurt but that doesn't matter right now. He knows why this happened. Who is behind tearing his world apart and breaking Yoongi like that. It's his father, it has always been his father who ruins everything for him and has his nose in everyone's business. "What the hell have you done?!"

There's a long groan on the other side of the line and the voice of his father is laced with sarcasm and annoyance. Just like it has always been. Always cold and distant with Taehyung. Never soft or encouraging or reassuring. No. It has always been like this. "Taehyung, I'm no mind reader, you'll have to tell me what I have supposedly done – "

"The fucking contract! You've sent Yoongi a non-disclosure agreement!" He hisses through his teeth and just thinking about it again makes his anger boil. How the hell did his father think this would work out? Taehyung had no idea about the contract but he also had no idea how to tell Yoongi that he was about to start acting again without letting the other misunderstand anything. That's a thing which might start to bother him about Yoongi. His short temper. It's not his fault, of course, it's not but that doesn't mean Taehyung isn't allowed to feel a tiny bit annoyed by the way the elder blows up in seconds without letting anyone explain the situation. This time though, this time he can't blame anything on his short temper. He would have reacted the same way if the roles were reversed. Yoongi kept himself in check pretty well.

The contract set up by his father isn't the only thing though. There's the press too. He's been talking with Bogum, yes. And he's been meeting a lot with Eunji too but he had planned to make this whole story public once he would start his career again. Not hide behind a lie. But his father has taken this choice away from him once again. "And not only that – no, it's not enough to lie one time by stating that I was the one to request this! No, you already told the press a story about where I've been! That's a lie. You're lying to them."

"Taehyung, listen, if you ever want to return to the top again you have to lie your way up –" He could almost feel the iciness of his father's voice through the phone. A shiver runs down his spine as he's reminded of all the times that cold voice has scolded him, yelled at him, degraded him. "The things you've done and where you've been the last months are not going to make you famous again."

"And that's the only thing important, right? Fame," Taehyung scoffs. He can imagine his father's face, disappointment etched into his sharp features already and eyes like ice, piercing through everything he looks at. He used to be so scared of him, he used to cry and cower before him but now he's different. He changed – he really did. "What about me being happy? Huh? Is that unnecessary? Inconvenient for you?"

"You'll instantly stop talking to me like that," his father hisses but it only fuels the fire burning in Taehyung's chest. He ruined everything for him. He ruined everything he carefully built up over the last months, he ruined the best thing Taehyung ever had in the whole world and his father deserves to know how much he detests him not only because of this but because of everything he's ever done.

"Or what?" He laughs, hysterically. This is all so ridiculous. Who does his father think he is? A puppet master and Taehyung is his puppet? What the hell? "You'll take everything away from me and make me survive on my own with nothing on the streets?"

"I'm doing you a favor here!" His father roars and Taehyung flinches slightly, the hair on the back of his neck rises in fear. He gulps, grip tightening on his phone again as he settles down on the bench behind him. His knees have gone weak. Everything that happened this evening is just too overwhelming, too much for him to handle. The exhaustion slowly catches up to him. "Only because of me you're accepted back into society and if the public finds out about you and your – your fag of a friend you'll be nothing. I'm just helping you."

His heart stops for a moment, a ringing starts in his ears as he takes a deep, controlled breath. "What – what did you just call him?" His voice is low, dangerous almost threatening because he couldn't believe what his father just said about Yoongi.

"A fag, that's what he is and you too but if he decides to live his life in gross indecency no one will care but they'll care if you do the same," The man explains like it's the most simple thing on earth. Taehyung just wants to punch him, he had often wanted to do that throughout his life but he just knows if the man would stand in front of him right now, he wouldn't be able to hold himself back from breaking the other's nose. It's one thing when his father does what he's always doing and insults him but it's something else when it's directed at Yoongi.

"I... I don't even know what to say right now," He breathes. His hands are trembling by his side and he focuses his gaze on the trees in front of him. The shadows are getting longer around him, the sun slowly setting and a shiver runs down his spine at the cold breeze sweeping past him.

"How about 'Thank you'?" His father asks in a sweet voice – not really sweet though. It's the kind of sweet that makes you feel sick to the stomach, like smelling amazing candy and then discovering that it tastes awful and glues your teeth together, sticky everywhere in your mouth until you want to throw up but are unable to do so because you can't open your mouth anymore.

"Over my dead body," Taehyung snarls. He going to fucking kill his father when he sees him again. It's his fault, only his fault. Not anyone else's. Everything bad that ever happened in Taehyung's life can be traced back to his father or mother. And once he thought he got rid of them forever, they come crashing back in his life like a hurricane to destroy everything again.

"Taehyung, remember your place. You'll come back and you'll live how I tell you to. You're going to be famous, rich and our image will be clean again," His father says threateningly. It's a command. Taehyung knows it. Not something he could decide over and in the past, he would have followed the demands of his father with a bowed head but now he can fight against him.

"This is all you've ever cared about," Taehyung scoffs, his hand pushing his hair back. "I'm not doing this." He's about to put down the phone to hang up but his father's voice cuts through the air, halting him midmovement. Not because of what he says but because of the way he says it. So menacingly, like he knows something Taehyung doesn't. The young man swallows in fear.

"You will."

"What makes you believe that?" He hates how his voice trembles slightly at the end. He hates how much influence his father still has on him even though he thought he would have changed from the him he was before, even the one who was already rebellious but not in a good kind of way. But it seems like his father can still play him however he wants to.

"Because you don't have another choice," His father states conceited, "This has always been your life. And you wouldn't want your fag friend to get involved in anything, right?"

It feels like a punch in the stomach. The air gets knocked out of his lungs in a second. "You wouldn't dare," He whispers but he knows that's a lie. His father would stop at nothing if it means getting what he wants. The mere thought of getting Yoongi hurt, even more, makes Taehyung's mind spin into an abyss.

"Try me, Taehyung, I dare you," His father threatens and Taehyung fully believes him, "You will come back to your old apartment and you will act in this goddam drama and make the world love you again or so help me god I will destroy your friend. Hasn't he been to jail already? How about we lock him away for a long time now? Who will care for his family then? Or what about your other friends? It would be easy shutting down that small pathetic café. You don't want to disobey me, son."

His throat is tight, he can't make a single sound as the words of his father keep resounding in his mind like an echo that gets louder with each passing second. He hasn't noticed that there are tears running down his cheeks again or that the nails of his fingers dig so deep into his hand that they form slightly bloody crescent marks. His father will stop at nothing.

"I better not read any bad news about you," His father drawls and the trembling of Taehyung's body increase again, "I hope for his sake that your fag friend has signed the contract or I will send someone over there who won't be very nice to him."

"Don't," Taehyung chokes out, panic lacing his voice as he imagines the people his father could send after Yoongi, after his family. No matter how much experience the elder might have with illegal street fights or gangs, the men of his father are professionals who would squish him like a fly. "I have his signature. I have the contract with me."

"Good," His father sounds more pleased than before but Taehyung still just wants to throw up, "Now go and sort out things with Bogum about your confirmed work with him. You'll have to give interviews soon, the press is burning to speak with you and find out about everything that happened and I probably don't have to remind you to behave and tell the official story, right? Nothing else or better, deny any questions, not concerning the upcoming Drama."

Taehyung only nods mutely. Silenced by his father again just like he had always been for his whole life. He never escaped that cage. He never spread his wings to fly, everything has only been an illusion Taehyung willingly lived to make himself feel better. It would have been too good to be true to lead a happy life with Yoongi, his family and his passion for acting altogether.

His father continues talking, explaining what he should and shouldn't do, "Questions concerning your relationship with Jung Eunji: Don't give definite answers but you can imply that you two are together, everything is arranged with her permission. She is good PR for you. And don't – for the love of god, don't you dare and meet up with that fag or his friends. Do as I say, you don't want to disappoint me again."

He hangs up the phone. His father knows that Taehyung will obey everything he demands of him. He doesn't have a single choice.

"I'm so sorry..."

-

Yoongi doesn't remember why he wakes up in the bathroom. At first, he's confused until everything comes crashing down on him again and he lets himself cry some more. It's important to cry, to let yourself be sad and Yoongi does exactly that. He calls in sick for the weekend, promising Seokjin to explain everything after he talked to his family.

He dreads the conversation, his insides twisting and turning at the mere thought of having it but he knows that it's better to get it over with as soon as possible. They sit on the couch, everyone listening to him silently and carefully. Chul is leaning against his chest while Yoongi runs his fingers through his hair apologetically, he feels really bad for yelling at his little cousin who isn't to blame for anything that had happened. He cries again while explaining the whole situation to his family.

In the end, his throat is sore, his head hurts, his heart is aching and he's just exhausted. He feels like he could and should sleep for the next century. But he still needs to fill his friends in on what happened, he just doesn't feel like talking anymore.

His mind is still spinning and everything around him feels kind of surreal, like the last hours haven't happened. Tears prick at his eyes again but this time he forces himself to keep them in, he cried enough.

It's surprising his body even has enough water to produce more tears given how dehydrated he feels. The screen of his phone keeps blurring before his eyes as he removes Taehyung from their group chat and tries to type the hurricane of events which happened in a single message. He keeps deleting it again and again before he finally settles on one text and hits send. He doesn't have the strength to call each and everyone or even a single one of them and explain everything again so he hopes that they'll be satisfied with a text too.

First of all, sorry Jin for not coming to work but I don't think I'll be able to leave the apartment this weekend, I'll be back by Monday and explain everything in detail. Right now I just want to sleep and forget everything that happened today. I... Honestly, I don't know how to explain this over text but I'll try. Please don't add Taehyung back and don't. Don't try to contact me this weekend. I, Taehyung has been lying to us about everything. I don't know if any of you keep up with the media but if so you might have already heard. It seems like he's going to act again and rumors say he's dating his co-star – a girl I found in his contacts and he sneaked off to meet. The public believes he's been in rehab this whole time and he made me sign a non-disclosure contract stating that they'll be able to sue me if I or anyone who I told about his real whereabouts goes to the press or the public. He's been lying all these months and I just, I don't think I'll be okay but I'll try. I just need to be alone for a while, please understand and don't go and kill him or confront him about anything. I just want to forget any of this ever happened.

He stares at himself in the bathroom mirror for a few minutes. He looks horrible. His dark hair is standing up in all directions, his eyes are red and puffy, still glistening with the remains of tears. His nose is running, lips chapped and dry. The tears streaks on his cheeks run over red blotches that always appear on his pale skin when he cries. He feels horrible. There's still the distinct taste of bile in the back of his throat and he bends down to drink water only to get rid of it.

When he went to therapy those few times as a kid he remembers the woman telling him to clean himself after crying. Clean everything, your body, your clothes, strip down your bed and redo it only to go and lay into something freshly made. Maybe it'll help to forget the crushing void in his chest for a little while.

The ringing in his ears hasn't stopped for a moment but he supposes it's better than the complete silence he would have to endure otherwise. A silence in which every dark thought of his could come creeping in with practiced ease. He starts by taking off his shirt, chugging it in the corner of the room. He pulls off his socks one by one and then his sweatpants follow. He stares at himself in the mirror again, without really recognizing himself. The pale and fragile boy staring back at him is nothing like the him he used to know. The him that was strong, fierce and loved with his whole heart. The boy in the mirror looked like he would break because of one feathery touch.

He pulls off his underwear and steps under the lukewarm stream of water. As he stands there motionless he keeps thinking about the water bill but he couldn't bring himself to hurry or turn off the stream again. He lets the water roll down his whole body like that, lets it numb the pain in his muscles because it's the only one he could do anything against. The pain inside of him keeps growing.

The water cleanses his skin and maybe he cried a little again but he couldn't be sure. After what feels like an eternity he rubs shampoo in his hair and tries to clean his whole body of his smell. Taehyung's smell which he couldn't possibly catch but thinks he does. It's impossible but Yoongi scrubs his skin until it turns an angry red. He scrubs so violently that it almost hurts as if he wants to erase the feeling of the other's hands on his body. It's like he feels his fingers trailing over his spine, down his arms, on his cheeks and he just wants to get rid of the sensation. He scrubs until his whole body is red and the water has started pooling around his ankles.

He spends the weekend alone – only accompanied by his family. His friends do as he said, there are a few messages in the group chat but no one comes around, no one calls and no one messages him privately. Not even the two most motherly people in their group, Seokjin, and Jimin both stay out of his business for those two days. He needs those days. He cries until there seem to be no tears left but he continues to sob. In the night his cousins, all three of them, sneak into his room and he wakes up smothered by three children in the next morning.

They're all acting like they're walking on eggshells around him and basically they are. He feels like breaking every time he thinks of what happened. It's – He still can't believe it. He wakes up both mornings thinking that everything has been nothing but a bad dream. Unfortunately, the hole in his chest is very real and hurts so much that it's hard to breathe properly.

Yoongi returns Monday night from his shift at the café and as he looks in the mirror he can't help but agree with all of his friends. He does look horrible, like a wreck. It should have been hardly surprising that more than one customer asked for his wellbeing today. But to his credit, it's been two days since the incident and he spent the whole Saturday and Sunday not doing anything but wallow in self-pity.

No matter where he looks he sees snippets of Taehyung and every time his heart breaks a little more even though he thinks it must have been ripped to shreds by now. But every time it surprises him again and again. He can't go on like this. He can't afford to be like this for a long time. He has a family to care for, people who depend on him, people who need him to survive and he's not going to let a heartbreak keep him from doing everything he can to provide for his family. No matter how bad it hurts, he can't afford to suffer all the time.

Back in the days, he has really been into journalism, even thinking about doing that in the future but then the accident happened and his life went even more downhill than it already had been before. Still, he had liked journalism for a long time. Serious journalism, so how he ends up on one of BuzzFeed's articles is beyond him.

The headline glares at him in the darkness of the room like a lion ready to pounce and devour him. 19 Things Everyone Should Do After A Break-up. He can't believe he's doing this. But he can't fall asleep, Taehyung is the only thing on his mind even though he's the only thing he tries to forget so desperately. Maybe somehow this dumb article would help him. He can't cry forever.

1. Change your bedsheets

Yoongi smiles to himself. That's an easy first task and even though he has already done that after his crying session he does it again, just because. He's as quiet as possible because everyone else is sleeping or trying to sleep by now. He strips his sheets off the mattress and throws it along with the blanket and pillowcase in a corner of his room. Somehow it feels liberating.

He tiptoes through the living room and gets new sheets. This one has flower patterns and as soon as his bed is freshly made he falls face first into it. The fresh smell invades his senses and he inhales deeply. This is great. He looks back at his phone again, next step:

2. Hide your ex from all social feeds ASAP.

Well, that's easy. He doesn't possess any social media other than messaging apps and blocking Taehyung has been one of the first things he's done. So, that's a definite check number two.

3. Create a break-up playlist.

That's gonna be fun, he thinks and then stops. Fun, huh? That's been the last thing on his mind for the last three days. Music, one thing which could settle his mind from everything else. A thing that silences every bad thought in his head.

He settles back against the pillows and gets out his phone. This should kill the time he wouldn't have spent sleeping anyway tonight. Sometime around 2 o'clock, Yoongi is finally completely satisfied with his playlist. Or playlists, to be precise. He's made several – depending on his mood. One for when he just wants to cry, feel the pain of his loss and betrayal pierce through him. Then there's the one which just makes him feel good, still break-up songs but mostly things like Taylor Swift. And the last one is for when he feels angry at the younger for putting him through all this.

Yoongi bookmarks the website before going to sleep – way too late. And even though he's almost falling asleep during his shift the next day, it was totally worth it.

He keeps replaying the playlists over and over again. Especially to check off point four on the list of nineteen things everyone should do after a heartbreak.

4. Let yourself be sad.

Holy shit does Yoongi do this. He lets himself be sad anywhere and everywhere. He curls up on the couch and watches Dramas on his old laptop, rewatches Jennifer Aniston movies which make him cry all night long. He lets himself be sad when he's in the breakroom at work or when he's on his way home and in the food aisle at the grocery store because he sees Taehyung's favorite snack.

He lets himself be sad whenever he feels like it. He cries in the shower, he cries when someone orders the same drink as Taehyung – even though he doesn't do it in front of the customer but in a more private setting, later – and he cries when he's playing with his cousins. When he sees it in their eyes and just knows what they are thinking. They want the younger back just as much as he wants him back.

The problem is, they don't understand why Taehyung is gone. What he's done and Yoongi doesn't have the heart to tell them that none of them ever meant anything to the younger male. He thinks it's better to let them suffer from the loss at the beginning and not break them like Taehyung did to him.

Over the course of the next weeks, he's slowly continuing to follow every step on the list – repeating some more then other's. For example, he keeps updating his playlists or he has days where he doesn't need to let himself be sad but then he has other's where he can't help the overwhelming pressure behind his eyes and the empty void in his heart.

5. Go on an Ex detox

Yoongi would say that this step is easy peasy or that's what he thought. His number is already blocked but there are still the unread messages sitting in his chat. He doesn't dare to open them – He can't. But there are also Taehyung's things around the whole apartment. Small snippets Yoongi hasn't even acknowledged before but now he can't help but feel like they're piercing through him the second he spots them.

Loose shirts throughout his room, a little too big to belong to his oversized collection. The bright pink toothbrush next to his own, the freaking shampoo which smells like strawberries – the first time Yoongi catches the scent again he almost throws up on the spot. It reminds him too much of the younger.

He takes all the things – everything that belongs to the younger and puts it in a box. He planned to put the box into his cellar to leave them there because he would feel bad for destroying everything – even though he sometimes wishes he would do that. All sort of clothes originally belonging to him get thrown in the washing machine to get rid of the smell of Taehyung. The smell somehow still haunting Yoongi even though he doesn't have any idea what could probably be the cause of it. He's sure he got rid of everything.

Only the memories remain.

He ignores step six and seven in favor of linking five and eight together. 8. Ask a friend to hold on to your keepsakes and mementos. The box in the cellar goes to Seokjin's house and then all the pictures he had – every single one he would like to delete gets sorted into one folder and sent to Jimin's phone. The younger is keeping them for him, maybe someday Yoongi will be able to look back on all of this as nothing more than a memory. Right now it doesn't feel like this. It feels like he'll never be able to be happy again like his heart has been torn apart a second time in his life. And now, there won't ever be someone who's able to put it back together.

It's been two weeks and Yoongi decides to continue with his secret bucket list of getting over his heartbreak. Step number six comes in handy because he already thought for the last few days that he needs to change something, anything. This seems to be a good opportunity.

6. Try out a new look you've always wanted to rock.

The idea comes to him when he's grocery shopping again, pockets a little bit fuller than normal because there have been a lot of tips today. He knows he got a little money to spare, money he should put aside but his eyes stay glued to the pack of hair dye in front of him. Step number six appears in his mind and he thinks, why the fuck not?

He grabs the pack and makes his way back home with quicker steps. It only takes about an hour but after Yoongi steps out of the shower again he looks into the mirror and doesn't recognize himself at first. Which is a good thing? Change, he needs to change in order to move on and forget about Kim Taehyung.

The wet, blonde strands are a big contrast to the dark brown he's used to but that's okay. He smiles a bit at himself. He's going to be okay. He'll get through this. He went through worse shit. Some guy breaking his goddamn heart isn't going to ruin his whole life forever. He has been through worse and he will survive this.

7. Post a killer new profile pic.

Okay, that's not what he's gonna do. He stares at step seven for a little while longer. He supposes he could do that. His Kakao profile needs an update anyway and he just got a new hair color. It would be good to let everyone who has his contact know that he looks different now. Yes, he should totally do that.

If someone would ask him why he spent extra thirty minutes in the bathroom he definitely wouldn't tell them it was because he tried to take a selfie he found decent. Not to mention that it was kind of hard trying to fake a smile, he's never been good at posing for pictures. How Taehyung got him to do it so many times is beyond him.

There it is again. A thoughtless wander of his mind and he feels like crying again. He misses Taehyung. He hates him for what he did but he still misses him the most. He has been the first person to treat him like that, to love him like that and Yoongi is positive he would never find someone like him again. Which would be a logical thing considering that Taehyung has only acted, only pretended he loved Yoongi like he did. How did he ever let himself believe that someone like Taehyung would fall for someone like Yoongi? Someone so out of his league and obviously not fitting with him. Yoongi repeats step four once again and he lets himself cry for a little while.

The more he tries to complete the list, the more he stumbles upon points he feels rather uneasy about. Or points he won't be able to complete. Like step nine.

9. Get your heart rate up.

Yeah, when has been the last time he took part in any physical exercise which isn't climbing flights of stairs? But he is desperate and open for new things. He starts his new motivation on a Thursday, after his shift in the café finishes he goes to change in the backroom just as Seokjin walks in.

"What are you doing?" The elder asks warily, eyes traveling over Yoongi's form clad in sweatpants and a thin cotton shirt. He's still trying to pull on the old running shoes of his uncle which have been catching dust for a few years now.

"Changing," He responds curtly. Struggling with the laces of one of the shoes.

"Yeah, I see that but why – are those running shoes?" Seokjin exclaims like he only noticed the usage of the shoes now. Given that he's been losing sleep because he barely finds someone to cover the shift of the boy who just quit last week it's understandable that he's a little slow. Yoongi would help him if he could but he really can't take any more shifts.

"Yup, old ones from my uncle but yeah, running shoes," He replies, silently cheering as he manages to pull on the second shoe. Small victories, he takes small steps towards getting better every day.

"Why?"

"I'm going to run home."

"Excuse me, you're going to do what?" Seokjin splutters, almost dropping the cup of coffee he had brought along.

"Running, sports, is that so unlikely?" He chuckles lightly.

"A little, considering it's you we're talking about," Seokjin remarks and Yoongi can't help but agree with the elder.

But against his expectations, the running actually feels liberating. It's exhausting and his muscles ache like hell the next day but now he runs home from the café almost every time. He saves the money for the bus and is able to get high of endorphins flooding his body after a few minutes of running.

The steps are his only way to cope in the next weeks. Weeks turn into months and Taehyung pops up again everywhere around him. They have started to promote the Drama and no matter where Yoongi looks, Taehyung's face is staring back at him in the form of posters, or from various displays and screens. He tries to ignore it but sometimes he can't. He relies on the steps to catch him.

10. Have some cat cuddles.

He visits Hoseok and his cat frequently, talking shit with him about the new soap opera airing and just enjoying the younger man's company. The male has always been easy to be around with, especially if Yoongi could use some cheering up.

Cat cuddles aren't enough for him though. He's also a regular visitor to Namjoon and Seokjin and their respective dogs. Both of them gladly take him along to their walks or just let him inside and be quiet, with his own thoughts while petting their dogs. Yoongi couldn't wish for – he couldn't imagine better friends than the ones he has.

11. Party with your BFFs.

Yoongi doesn't like partying too much. He doesn't go clubbing and he doesn't drown himself in alcohol. His definition of partying with his BFFs is their monthly Friday movie night. It gets altered. Now it's bimonthly, twice a month they get together and just laugh, watch silly shows or movies and Yoongi can forget everything for a few hours.

He loves it. His friends have made it their goal to cheer him up, to make him laugh and not feel alone. It's hard to get all six of them together but two or three or even four is more likely. Yoongi gets visited by them more often, they come to the café whenever they can to chat with him and Seokjin. They do everything they can for him and Yoongi can't even express how grateful he is for that.

12. Get your flirt on.

Well, that's something he's never been good at. He doesn't want to flirt either. He's not ready for that yet – and probably never will but that has nothing to do with his broken heart. He hasn't flirted with anyone before this whole incident either.

Does it count as flirting when he's being extra nice to the old lady who sits behind the counter of his favorite corner store? Maybe? Probably not but Yoongi checks the step off his list anyway.

13. Go on a trip.

A trip to the aquarium it is, due to the absence of money and his need to still take care of his family. He takes the trip with his family and his heart beats faster again when Chul doesn't seem to be able to keep his mouth shut during their whole stay.

As much as he loved the trip, he also kind of hates it. It remembers him of Taehyung again. Way too much. They way Chul talks about every fish, in the same animated voice Taehyung has always used to describe things he was passionate about is more than similar. It hurts Yoongi but he doesn't let it show.

He can let himself be sad when he's home again. He can't start crying everywhere anymore. It's been a long time already but his heart doesn't feel any better. The pain is still there, thrumming against his ribs like a constant reminder of what happened. Maybe it dulled, the pain or maybe he only got used to it by now.

Step fourteen is easy for him. Don't be afraid to stay in. He does. He stays in whenever he feels like it, canceling plans with his friends while feeling less and less guilty every time because he slowly realizes it's his right to do what he needs to do in order to feel better. It's his right to say no and to look after himself if he needs to.

Stay in days are days spent mostly with his family. He tries to loosen up Chul again, getting him out of his shell and he encourages Jiae's wild imagination the other kids mock sometimes and then he continues to support and motivate Shin in his advances towards everything he shows interest in. The eldest gets so insecure easily and he wishes he could take that self-doubt away with the snap of his fingers but he can't. That doesn't mean he won't try.

But sometimes stay in days mean that he's locking himself up in his room, headphones on and blasting one of his playlists or sleeping in or just sitting there doing nothing. Sometimes he needs that and he realizes how much time he actually has even though he's working as hard and as long as he did before he even met Taehyung. He doesn't know why but somehow it doesn't feel as exhausting and tiring as it did back then. The only thing making his motivation suffer is the sadness that sometimes drops down on him and stays above his head like a continuous raining cloud for the whole day.

15. Get outside of your comfort zone.

Well, Yoongi thinks that this is exactly what's trying to do in the last months and it's working. The biggest step for him though is when he searches out the leader of the local street gang he's been involved with. He knows, he knows that they only come and seek him out again and again for fights because he always gives in. Because they knew that he needed the fights to blow of steam, he needed them back then but Yoongi doesn't want to need them anymore. When he left the gang back then he never really left. That's what they knew and used. He would still willingly perform in the street fights but he doesn't want that anymore.

That's why he goes, despite a racing heart, despite clammy hands and bad memories tied to the place he's been regularly seeing for some part of his life. A part of his life he wants to finish, to lock away in the past. It's been easier than he thought it would. The members – especially the leader – he's been rather close to them. He's been young and looked up to them back then but now he's an adult and he doesn't want to be involved with them anymore. Strangely, they understand. They're not the mafia, of course not. They're a local gang of small drug dealers, shoplifters, and fighters in a bad neighborhood. Not the Japanese mafia where you won't be able to get out off. He shouldn't have worried so much. Especially given that he's never been more than a small errand boy and someone who came by sometimes to blow off steam with fighting.

Yoongi explains for what feels like hours why he wants to cut all ties with this part of his past. "I have little children to care for, a family I needs to provide for. I try to manage my anger without getting into fights anymore. I'm not a teenager looking up to you anymore, I'm an adult and I just wants to be left alone."

The leader lets him go easily. Promising to tell his people to not look for him again. They'll leave him alone from now on. If he had known how easy it would have been he would have done it years ago. Okay, maybe he wouldn't have. Maybe not because he hadn't been like he is right now.

He tells himself he'll fulfill step number sixteen when he has the time to do it and appreciate a good book like it deserves to be appreciated. Especially if it comes from Namjoon's recommendations. The other male is the best to go to if you want good and thoughtful recommendations on anything, books, music, movies – whatever.

17. Pour your heart out to your best friend.

That's a thing he does with every one of his friends alone. Every single one of them is different and that's how Yoongi appreciates them and their differences. He goes to Seokjin to have someone his age to talk to, someone who can be serious when he needs to but lightens the mood with jokes all the times.

He goes to Hoseok when he just wants to be quiet. It seems like a paradox, that he goes to one of the loudest and energetic people of his friends to seek out silence and calmness. Then there's Namjoon, the person he goes to when he doesn't want to talk or think. The person who can talk to him for hours with his soothing voice and stroke his fingers through his hairs while making him feel so, so comfortable.

Jimin is the person he'll go to when he needs physical contact. The young boy believes he could end every problem in the world with a big hug and a bright smile. He's the one with the soft hands which trail over your back, murmurs of understanding and reassurance in your ear and the feeling of laying on a white, fluffy cloud.

Still, he can't talk with any of them about every small detail. Not with any of them but Jeongguk. He asks the youngest for listening to his most heartfelt thoughts because he's the one who understands him the most. Every one of his friends fits to have a deep conversation with but he chooses Jeongguk out of them because he struggles with the same things. Jeongguk can't really voice his emotions, he has troubles expressing himself at times or even recognizing the different emotions swirling in his chest. Just like Yoongi does.

He feels the most comfortable with the younger while talking about everything, about the deepest emotions in his heart and the most complicated thoughts in his mind because he knows the other will understand him the best.

Yoongi is sure he's making progress. He does a lot now. He feels better most of the times and he manages to smile more often. That doesn't mean the Taehyung shaped hole inside of him isn't there anymore. He still wakes up facing the crushing feeling of being left alone, of being betrayed like that and treated like a worthless joke.

His eyes read the last two steps and that's when he cries again.

He's sitting up on the roof of their apartment complex. The night air around him is cool, the stars barely visible through the thick layer of clouds and smoke from the emissions. And it's now that he remembers the promise Taehyung made to him one evening they spent up here.

"Hyung, I promise to take you somewhere to watch the stars with me. Somewhere prettier than here. Somewhere where I can try to count them all because I would dedicate my whole life to counting them just to prove how much I love you."

Yoongi cries until there are no tears left and he only feels exhaustion. He's made so much progress... so why does he feel like standing at square one all over again?

18. Appreciate the positive things about your relationship.

19. Forgive and forget.