Taehyung spends almost every minute of every day thinking about Yoongi.

His old apartment looks the way he remembers leaving it months ago, the dust has collected on every available surface and the air is stuffy. When he looks around he's reminded of a life he hasn't really been living. A past that feels like centuries ago even though it's only been a few months. It's like stepping into a time machine and traveling back because here he stands, not at all the same person who had to leave months ago but this place looks like he's never really been gone.

The living room looks as spotless as the day he left because he never really spent his time here. The kitchen is empty too, it reeks, the takeout boxes with half eaten food must have caught mold. Obviously, they have. He opens the fridge door not surprised to find nothing but two bottles of beer staring back at him, an opened bottle of some expensive champagne next to them. He closes the door again and sits back.

He remembers how much he had missed the luxury of his apartment. How he realized that things he considered normal and being present in every household were things reserved for people like him. How many nights has he laid awake dreaming of his king sized bed, his soft mattress or his tub filled with hot water and salts? Too many to count but being back now... It doesn't feel good at all.

His feet carry him through the living room and into the spacious bathroom. There is the huge shower cubicle made of glass right next to his tub where two people could easily fit. His sink is under an enormous mirror almost covering the whole wall. All his things are still there, his shampoo bottles, the conditioners, body wash, his toothbrush, his beauty products – everything. But it doesn't feel good.

He leaves the room behind and enters his bedroom. The curtains are drawn like always, he's never opened them because he would just wake up with a hangover and curse the light filtering through the huge windows. This time he does open the curtains so he can look over the pathetic sight of his room.

The bed is unmade, clothes are strewn across it, there's even a used ashtray next to his pillow. The stench inside of this room is worse than in the kitchen. Alcohol bottles cover the floor, plates with unfinished food and takeout boxes joining them. It's disgusting and Taehyung quickly opens the window to let fresh air inside. His gaze falls on his wardrobe, one door open the other is closed. He catches his own eyes in the mirror and sees the pure exhaustion in his features. God, he feels like crying again.

As he looks through the drawers of his desk he pulls out several small packets of weed and cocaine he forgot about. The memories quickly catch up to him and now he really does cry.

This feels nothing like coming home after a long time. It feels like being caged again like he got a taste of freedom for some while only to be locked away again now.

Yoongi hasn't been right about him. He did change. He's not the same Kim Taehyung he was before meeting the elder. But he would never be able to prove that to the other, not when he would risk his safety in the process. It'll hurt, it already does but he would rather feel guilty for the rest of his life than risk Yoongi's health and safety or his family. It's the best for him if he stays away from the elder.

His eyes slowly get droopy, he has been walking all night, trying to clear his head but nothing helped. Now it must be around seven in the morning but he doesn't feel like going to sleep. Even though exhaustion makes it complicated for him to continue moving or staying awake and focused. He feels energy running under his skin, ready to be released.

If he can't prove to Yoongi that he has changed then he could at least prove it to himself.

Without even giving it much thought he gets up from the chair and retrieves a big plastic bag from the kitchen – he might have searched a little too long for it to be considered normal but it's not like he really knows where everything is. He had a maid who did all chores and sorted through his things, he has never moved one lazy finger in this apartment. His parents must have gotten rid of her the second they got rid of him. Poor woman, he remembers her sometimes talking about her small son. Not like he really gave her any pity back then but now, now he's changed.

He starts in the kitchen, shoving all the trash into the back and moves on to the living room. He searches a little until he finds the remains of cigarettes under to table and two half-empty bottles of vodka under the couch. His bath looks fine so next up is his bedroom.

As he steps into it the air is already a little better than before, less stuffy and better smelling – fresher. He works quickly through this too, hardly sparing half of the things that wander into the bag a glance. Bottles, the packets of weed and cocaine, cigarettes, old bottles of lube and expired condoms. It's disgusting what he finds somewhere but he supposes it fitted the lifestyle he lead back then. Under his bed is a bra and panties from a different set of underwear and they vanish in the bag as quickly as everything else.

His clothes come next, he pulls off the ones he's wearing and changes into something far more comfortable before picking all the other loose articles of clothing up from the floor. He locates the door where his old maid kept all the cleaning supplies easily and among them is the washing machine. To be honest, this one makes him a little scared. It's – It looks different from the one in the cellar of Yoongi's apartment complex. It looks – more high tech and Taehyung feels a little bit lost at the many buttons in front of him.

"Okay," He whispers to himself, eyes zeroing in on the Power bottom, "This can't be so hard." The display comes to life. Well, at least some things are the same as he's used to. He opens the round door and stuffs his laundry inside as he scans the options presented to him. There are too many. Way too many and he just presses one on pure luck before searching for some kind of opening to put the washing powder in. As he finally locates it he's confronted with yet another problem. There are four different kinds of washing powders in front of him and he chooses randomly again. When he presses start he expects the machine to roar alive with a sound akin to thunder, like he's used to but the machine starts running without making a sound. He eyes it with suspicion but it's really working so he leaves to take care of the other things still waiting for him.

He puts the bag full of trash next to the door before opening his fridge and pouring all the remaining alcohol down the drain. The bottles go next to the bag. At least he feels slightly better now and he wants coffee. Normally he hates the taste but he needs something to keep himself awake. Just as he's searching through his cupboards for everything he needs to brew himself some fresh coffee he hears keys jingle in front of the door and then it opens.

"Hello?" He calls out and looks around the corner to catch his old maid gasping in shock as she sees him.

"Master Kim!" She exclaims, holding her knees as she heaves. "You scared me. I – uhm – I didn't think you would be awake this early."

He smiles at her timidly and her eyes grow wide like she's seen a ghost. Well, this might be the first time he smiled at her. A few months ago she was invisible to him, working around him and vanishing during the night only to come back the next day and care for everything. He has treated her like shit and he feels so guilty at the moment. He doesn't even remember if she looks different from the last time he saw her and that's just sad.

"I arrived here only early in the morning," He explains and lowers his gaze to the ground. He wants to apologize for treating her like this all the time but he feels like words wouldn't be enough. He's changed, if he can't prove it to Yoongi then he can prove it to himself and to the woman who did everything for him without ever complaining. "I didn't go to bed at all."

"Oh," She sounds pretty awkward. Taehyung imagines what she had done the time he was gone – cleaning his apartment wasn't it. Had she cleaned at his parent's house? Was she fired and hired back after he was set to return to his apartment? He would want to ask but he's a little scared of the answer. "You should go to sleep now then, master Kim," She says and he looks up to see her attempting to take off her coat and walking toward the kitchen, "I'll start cleaning right away, I'm sorry you had to find your apartment in such a state but I only got the key back this morning and I hurried here as fast as I could but my son is sick and –"

"It's okay," He interrupts her quickly, raising his hands reassuringly, "You don't need to worry, I – I'm glad you're here, to be honest. I mean, this apartment feels... it doesn't matter. I started cleaning already, I mean I've gathered the trash from all the rooms and started on doing laundry –"

"You... You what?" The woman asks and the disbelief on her face is more than obvious. Taehyung couldn't blame her, after all, she has never witnessed him doing anything to help her with the chores and anything that hadn't to do with acting or partying.

He smiles sheepishly, a step to reconciliation. "We can relax for a while if you want? I was about to make coffee?" He phrases it more like a question than a statement, shy of rejection because of his past mistakes but the woman only nods slowly before carefully walking toward him and the kitchen. His smile gets brighter and bigger with each step she takes. The apartment feels less scary with someone familiar around. It feels a tiny bit more like coming home.

"Please drop the 'master Kim', you can just call me Taehyung."

-

Taehyung hasn't got much time to think about Yoongi once they start recording the Drama and he's glad because of this. It makes him worry less because there's literally no capacity for guilt or something else to creep inside. Not when his head is filled with line after line of text, not when his body is busy with remembering when he's walking where, when he raises his hand and when to look at Eunji like she's the most beautiful star in the whole galaxy.

He doesn't have time to think about Yoongi because when his mind isn't busy with the things above then he's either rehearsing for himself or sleeps. It's busy but he can't forget about Yoongi for long. The elder follows him like a predator who caught his smell and is slowly creeping up on him, waiting to pounce when he's the weakest. If he's not thinking about him while he's awake, then the elder appears in his dreams and it's only a matter of weeks until he feels like suffocating without seeing Yoongi.

Every day his eyes stray to his phone and the candid shots of Yoongi in it. Them laying together on the elder's mattress, Yoongi's cheek squished to his chest and a little drool stuck to his lips while his lashes still fan over his cheeks beautifully. Yoongi standing behind the counter at the café and making a face at the camera because he noticed Taehyung taking pics of him. Yoongi animatedly playing with Jiae and her puppet on the couch. Yoongi with a big smile on his lips as he holds Chul on his shoulder. Yoongi with food smeared on his cheeks. Yoongi with tears in his eyes. Yoongi with swollen lips because they had made out for a long time. Yoongi, Yoongi, Yoongi just Yoongi.

They don't have a lot of recording left to do. It's the second last day already and summer is over, fall almost too and winter approaches them fast. The producers hope to put the movie together perfectly timed for Christmas spirit to influence the people into watching it. After all, it features the magic of Christmas time to help two people fall in love with each other. He's kind of glad it's over, for now, the recording but they'll still do a lot of interviews and promotional work but at least he'll be able to rest a lot more now. It's been an exhausting time.

His hood is pulled over his head and a mask up over his nose, as he sneaks away from the filming location. The early darkness of the evening helps him hide in the shadows even further. He can't afford anyone noticing where he goes to regularly in the evenings and he definitely didn't need some fans spotting him and hindering him to go to the place he longs to be every second of the day.

Until now no one has ever caught him, no one knows what he's doing in secret and he supposes it'll stay like that if he just continues being as careful as the first day. His face is plastered everywhere now and people recognize him easier. He can't sneak away if there's always attention on him in some way.

"Where are you going?" The voice makes him stop dead in his tracks. His heart is beating in his throat and cold sweat starts breaking out all over his body. He slowly turns around, shock obviously pulling on his facial expression only to come face to face with a confused looking Bogum. "I thought we'd go drinking?" The sigh of relief he was about to heave gets stuck in his throat at the question – at least it's just Bogum who caught him. The elder male has become his closest friend over the last months they spend recording second after second for his movie.

"Uhm, I'm sorry, I forgot I was already busy," He lies quickly and where is his acting talent when he needs it the most? His lie must have been so fucking obvious but he needs to pull through with it now. He remembers telling Bogum he would accompany him tonight but he has – he needs to be somewhere else more urgently. "Maybe next time?"

"Sure," Bogum smiles and waves slightly. Taehyung can't believe it, he bought it. He bought the lie and he's already turning around again when Bogum makes another comment which really sends him into a panic. "Just make sure no one recognizes you when you see him."

He winces, stops walking and his shoulders drop in defeat. "Please don't tell my father," Taehyung whispers in fear. He hopes he judged Bogum right, he hopes – he prays that the elder isn't like most people around him. He prays that he won't blackmail him because he knows what Taehyung is up to when he sneaks away.

"Tae, we're friends, right?" Bogum's voice is soft as he speaks and he raises one eyebrow at the other in question. Taehyung slowly nods and his doubts slip away a bit – hopefully, Bogum will remember that they're friends when someone asks him about Taehyung's whereabouts and whether he sees Yoongi or not. "Why would I sell you out? I wouldn't gain anything from that so why do you even think I would do that?"

"... I don't know," Taehyung whispers, head hanging low in shame. Over the course of the last months, Bogum has become his closest friend, a shoulder he could cry on and someone who would support him and talk him out of his insecurities. But he still couldn't have helped the small spark of fear running through him because the elder seems to know about his visits to Yoongi.

"I'm not an asshole. You can trust me and I mean, I've known for a long time now," Bogum continues to talk and Taehyung lets the tension drop from his shoulders once the elder's hands come down on them and start to massage them lightly, "You give him money, right? From your salary? That's why you ask for two different checks, so your father doesn't ask what you use the money for."

He bites the inside of his cheek as he feels tears bubbling up again. God, it's really pathetic. How he can still easily cry after months of leaving Yoongi by just talking about him. The thing is, Bogum is right. Completely right. Taehyung does give a certain amount of money to Yoongi every month, the check is delivered by himself. He knows when he can sneak into the building and leave the envelope behind for the other's to find. He feels guilty for doing it but like this, he can convince himself that he's trying to help Yoongi. He still wants to support him but it looks like the elder male doesn't give a shit about it. Taehyung is sure that money must be pretty tight for them again, now they have to pay more for heating too and Yoongi is again the only one working but not one of the checks has been cashed in yet.

He has been strong the first few weeks and apart from the first check he hadn't even thought about Yoongi but then he broke. Easily like a twig, without any fight. Establishing a routine was easy but hiding not so much. Now he opts for sneaking around in the darkness of the evening, hiding his face behind masks and a hood to stay anonymous and then he would spend his time across the street from the café. If anyone has noticed him hanging around the area more than normal and looking pretty suspicious then no one has reported him yet to anyone. He's almost invisible while he stays in the shadows and watches through the glass front how Yoongi works behind the counter.

Sometimes he even dares to go during the day, once he even entered the café but the second Yoongi turned around to look through the room he fled. Too afraid of being recognized – or too afraid of looking him right in the face? To be honest, Taehyung feels nothing more than fear and guilt eating him alive every time his mind settles down from his stressful days. He wants to see Yoongi, he wants to see his brown eyes again but he's too afraid of seeing the betrayal, the hate in those orbs he loves so much. Still loves so much.

"Yeah..." He confirms Bogum's question and his voice trembles a bit with the effort of sounding calm and collected when all he wants to do is break down sobbing again, "He, I mean, he hasn't cashed in any of the checks, yet."

"And you still try?" The elder raises one eyebrow in question and Taehyung just nods.

"I know it's too dangerous to talk to him or something but that doesn't mean that I won't try to support him. He's the innocent one in all of this and I am the one who fucked up..." This time he couldn't help but let his voice crack at the end and to his horror, he feels one of the tears he so desperately tries to hold back slipping from his eye. He quickly looks up and the sad expression on his friends face tells him that he's seen it.

"You still love him," Bogum states.

"Well, of course, I do," Taehyung laughs but there isn't any amusement in his voice. It sounds more hollow like he's lost all hope of ever laughing out of happiness again. And maybe that's true. "If you'd know him you would understand."

"I think I know what you mean and maybe, one day I'll meet him for real."

"My father has to be dead first," Taehyung jokes before wiping his face clean and nodding to Bogum. He turns around to go and see Yoongi working the late night shift again.

"Be careful."

He ignores Bogum's words and leaves without a goodbye. The tears continue to drip down.

-

Jimin has tried to support Yoongi even more than before. He knows his friend needs him more than ever and he tries to be there for him every second of the day but his job is preventing him from doing so. It's not like he could call in sick almost every day, he can't just leave early all the time and he needs to meet his deadlines too. But he still tries as much as he can.

When he got to know Yoongi he was intimidated by him at first, only convinced that he wouldn't murder him on the spot because Seokjin and Hoseok both pledged that he's just rough on the outside. And he quickly found out that his friends were right from the start and through the friendship with Min Yoongi he found more friends. Jeongguk, the shy boy who looked up to his two older friends like they knew everything in the world. And then Namjoon, the oldest friend of Yoongi and someone who Jimin too kept close to his heart.

Anyway, during the years he now already knows Yoongi he's never seen him like this. He admired the elder because Yoongi is a fighter, no matter how bad a situation may look he always keeps going, a smile on his face to reassure his family. He gives up everything to provide for his family and works himself to the bone and Jimin admires this dedication but he also worries a lot about him. They all do but Yoongi refuses to accept money by anyone. He says that their mere presence in his life is enough support and that he can get through this on his own. Surprisingly he always does.

Jimin has seen him overcoming his struggle to find a job. He's seen him getting Shin on the right track and study for school and not skip classes to smoke behind the gym with his so-called friends. He's seen him taking care of Chul so careful and gentle and full of patience even though the small boy still wouldn't utter a single word until he finally did. He's seen him worked half to death but still smiling. He's seen him giving his family everything and not getting anything for himself. But he survived every hardship he's been faced with but Jimin has never seen him like this.

Yoongi survived so much so he wouldn't have thought that it would take a heartbreak to tear the elder apart completely. But that's exactly what happened and is still happening. Taehyung came into Yoongi's life, ripped his heart out and took it with him along with the Yoongi who managed to survive every situation. No matter how hard the elder tries to keep the loose ends of himself together, no matter how many makeshift bandaids he applies to deep cuts which really need stitches and no matter how many times he tries to convince everyone that he's fine they can all see he's not.

The elder accepts their help, he lets them cook sometimes, he lets Seokjin and Namjoon pick up the kids after school, he lets Jeongguk come over and play with Jiae and he lets them drag him out of the apartment sometimes but nothing more. He isn't talking with anyone about Taehyung, well, Jimin supposes he sometimes talks to Jeongguk but that's it. Yoongi locks himself up in his own mind and they all know it's only gonna be a matter of time until he'll break completely. Rip through the makeshift fixes and falls face first on the cold, unforgiving ground.

To say that Jimin is angry at Taehyung is an understatement. If it weren't for Yoongi who practically begged them to just forget about the whole thing and pretend like it never happened he would have waltzed right past security and onto the set of the fucking movie Taehyung is shooting right now and would have punched him right in his pretty face. But he doesn't even sent him any angry messages or gives him furious calls for the sake of Yoongi. He tries to calm the fire in his chest by thinking that blocking the other is enough. (It's not, at least not for him.)

Jimin enters the apartment of the elder with Jiae sleeping on his shoulder. He's extra quiet and careful to not wake her up again as he closes the door behind him. Yoongi's aunt greets him with a thankful smile but her eyes are rimmed red like she's been crying. Her husband is in the kitchen, stirring something in a pot, his expression is grim and he doesn't even move at Jimin's entry. The living room is empty apart from them.

"Is Yoongi still sleeping?" He asks the adults. When he picked up Jiae to play with her Yoongi has been going to take a nap, that was over two hours ago and Jimin just wants to check on him – maybe tell him about his next assignment but only if he deems the elder stable enough not to break because of the news.

"He's –" Yoongi's aunt shakes her head and a tired sigh leaves her lips, she balances Jiae on her hip, "I think he found one of his shirts, one that he left behind and he hasn't stopped crying for over an hour now..."

A crying Yoongi who is hiding in his room is a Yoongi who just wants to be left alone with his own sadness for a while. Jimin knows that but it doesn't lessen his urge to check up on the elder. It only increases it.

Yoongi doesn't notice it when he carefully opens the door a little to peer inside. What greets him breaks his heart. He knows how Yoongi sounds when he really cries, when he cries of desperation, filled with sadness and like he'll never be happy again but nothing could have prepared him for the sight in front of him now. Yoongi is kneeling on the mattress, feet tucked under him and his face buried in a sweatshirt he clutches like his life depends on it. The cries leaving his lips are filled with agony and send shivers down Jimin's spine. Goosebumps break out over the other's skin and just listening to Yoongi hurts like someone is squeezing his own chest until it feels like he's going to suffocate.

It's a heartbreaking scene and Jimin swears to himself that he won't let Taehyung get away with ruining Yoongi like this. He can't let him get away with living a good life now after ruining someone else's like this. He's got a plan and he'll ignore Yoongi's wish of not confronting the other. Someone has to do it, someone has to make Taehyung see what he destroyed with his own selfishness. And if that someone has to be Jimin then he gladly takes that responsibility.

-

The car is buzzing under him, city lights flashing past him as they drive through the busy streets of Seoul this evening. Taehyung keeps chewing on his bottom lip, his leg jumping up and down with nervousness. He hasn't been able to have a clear thought since the second he woke up this morning. It's the day, the big day of the premiere and the day where Taehyung couldn't avoid any of the questions thrown at him by various reporters.

His heart is thumping in his throat, ears ringing and his hands are trembling. He doesn't remember any of his previous premieres to be this nervewracking and he couldn't just calm down. Bogum sits next to him in one of the comfortable seats, his hand is splayed over the younger's knee and draws soothing circles on it. Even though it's a nice gesture, it doesn't help Taehyung at all.

"I think I can't do this," Taehyung's voice trembles and he starts getting lightheaded. He doesn't want to go out there, he doesn't want to face all these paparazzi asking him questions about his supposed relationship with Eunji, forcing him to lie. He doesn't want them to look at him trembling in fear and confirm all the things people have been saying about him. As if he had sworn off alcohol and drugs for good – people with bad habits stay bad. As if he's been cast as a lead because of his talent just out of the blue. He probably paid Bogum or his father did. People haven't been as welcoming to him as he might have wished for and he can't take it anymore. The constant lying makes him sick to the stomach, he just wants to scream out the truth and properly explain everything to Yoongi. He doesn't want all this. "I feel... I feel like I can't breathe! Bogum, you gotta tell them that I'm not coming. I – I can't –"

"Taehyung," The elder grips Taehyung's hands tightly which have started kneading the fabric of his suit jacket, crinkling the material. The younger clings to him like he's his lifeline. "Take a deep breath and calm down. It's okay. Tell me what's up."

"I don't want to do this." He heaves and is barely aware of the tear slipping from his eye again. It'll ruin his makeup, he'll probably be all over the media tomorrow for a little-smudged eyeliner around his eyes, crinkled clothes and raw bitten lips. "I don't want to lie to all those people too. I won't be able to dodge any question and I think they'll all see. I mean they believe I only got the job because of my father or because I'm friends with you anyway. After everything that happened no one believes I'm all that talented and I –"

"Okay, stop," Bogum interrupts him harshly. He tightly grips him by the shoulders and forces him to look at his face. "Your father might have told you that it's his credit that I cast you but I decided. I wanted you to play for me and not anyone else. And for that lying, you could stop it now. You could tell them the truth, you could finally break free from your parent's clutches."

"But he'll hurt Yoongi," Taehyung whispers – oh, how much he wished it would be so easy. But if he would tell everyone the truth Yoongi would be caught in the crossfire and Taehyung isn't able to protect him on his own. He doesn't have a set of connections to all kinds of influential people supporting him from behind like his father does. He would be powerless against him. "I can't do that."

"I know your father is – brutal and unforgiving but you aren't alone. No matter what you think. You don't fight him alone –" The car turns around a corner and suddenly there is already a flurry of camera flashes. Taehyung feels himself getting even tenser as the car starts slowing down, preparing to stop in front of the red carpet to let them out. He could see other cast members just getting off the car in front of them. "– You've made yourself a name again, a lot of influential people are on your side again and I'm here. Let him try what he wants to do because, with all the support you now have, we can bail your boyfriend and his family out of everything. I promise you."

The car stops and the driver walks around to open the door for them. As soon as it happens the formerly quiet air around them is filled with shouts of reporters trying to catch their attention, screaming for them to pose for pictures or trying to catch them for a quick interview before they're going inside. Bogum quickly wipes around Taehyung's eyes and fixes his crumpled shirt.

"Trust me," The elder says as he leaves the car, sending a blinding smile Taehyung's way and strangely it helps to lift the weight off his shoulders a little. That's right – he just thinks he's alone but he really isn't. There's Bogum, Eunji, there are the other cast members – he's not alone in this and as he walks down the red carpet, a smile plastered on his lips, he makes a decision which could be the wrong one but he's ready to risk it. He will protect Yoongi with everything he has.

And he has to stop lying. It's been too long already.