Yoongi couldn't breathe. With Taehyung's gaze suddenly completely focused on him the air seemed to have melted away. No matter how hard Yoongi tried to suck in a breath, the oxygen just wouldn't fill his lungs.

His hands shake a little and he tries to hide how much the eye contact affects him, tries to hide his reactions from Taehyung but the way the younger's lips twitch slightly makes it clear that he already noticed. Taehyung has always been good at drawing heavy reactions from Yoongi. And right now it's even easier.

Even though he's been a little disappointed because of Taehyung's lack of acknowledgment when it came to Yoongi's presence, being the sole center of his attention is actually worse. His gaze burns through Yoongi. It bores right into his soul and mind. And it might sound ridiculous but Yoongi tries so hard to hide the feelings that still cling to him, tries to hide the love that still stains his burnt heart like the sprinkle of green grass breaking through the thick white snow for the first time when spring finally arrives. They're not supposed to be there yet, the intense green easily spotted in the vast white surrounding it.

"We discussed this," Taehyung's father hisses lightly in the direction of his son. Everyone else in the room is silent, dead silent. It's so quiet, you could hear a pin drop – if anyone would have some right now.

Yoongi's hands still hover over the keyboard of his laptop, the unfinished sentence glaring at him from the display but he couldn't move. Everyone could hear how Taehyung audibly clicks his tongue in annoyance.

"You discussed it," The younger addresses his father, his eyes leaving Yoongi's only a second before he opens his mouth to speak. Once his gaze is off him, Yoongi could draw in a normal breath. His lungs finally fill with enough air again and the slightly light-headed feeling from before decreases without the weight of Taehyung's gaze on him.

It's weird hearing the completely obvious hostility in the younger's voice. And it doesn't only confuse Yoongi. He could clearly see the sudden widening of Hoseok's eyes and the way the younger's father seems to need a second to compose himself again at Taehyung's words.

There were a few moments where Yoongi actually witnessed any conversations between Taehyung and his father. Furthermore, he knows how their relationship worked from Taehyung's point of view. The younger and he spent nights talking about their life, about their childhood's, about – everything and nothing at all. Of course, he knows how Taehyung usually treats his father. Hell, after all of this he knows how much the younger actually seems to respect his father, how much he values the elder's opinion. Because he chose that over their relationship but – Yoongi shakes his head.

Not this again.

Not again. Not now. Not yet.

There's no room for these kinds of thoughts right now. The wedding didn't happen yet. He won't allow it – won't allow himself to think about his feelings towards Taehyung yet. No matter if those feelings are desperately clinging remains of love or if they're disappointment, betrayal filling the spaces his sadness left in his chest. It doesn't even matter if it's the anger still hiding somewhere, somewhere inside of him and randomly bubbling up at any given moment.

Yoongi won't think of any of these feelings. He'll swallow every single one of them down until he could break apart in peace. But for that, the wedding had to be over. For his complete breakdown, he needs to be sure that he could isolate himself from Taehyung in every area of his life. And if it's the last he'll do but there's no way he's going to let Taehyung see him break down.

Never. He's stronger than that. He needs to be stronger than that.

"Listen," Taehyung's father speaks up again, voice dangerously low and the temperature of the room seems to just have dropped. It leaves Yoongi shivering in his seat, knowing full well how it feels to have this tone of voice directed at himself. "I don't care okay?" He hisses, "You agreed to this and in return, I won't mention your - hobbies. You can continue doing whatever it is that you're doing without me ever mentioning it again."

Taehyung is quick to jump at his father's words. It surprises Yoongi.

"It's not a hobby," The other bites back. It leaves Yoongi wondering where the sudden fight inside of Taehyung is coming from. By the looks of it, almost everyone else in the room feels the same way. They have all witnessed the dynamic between Taehyung and his father before and this – this is definitely different. Yoongi wonders if this is a glimpse of what Taehyung might have looked like during his teenage years, during the time that he spent rebelling against his father. The time where he wasn't afraid to go against him, wasn't dancing like a puppet tied by his father's strings.

It's a flare of hope. A flare that Yoongi suffocates the second it starts to manifest itself in the smallest corner of his heart. He doesn't want to hope. He's sick of hoping, sick of waiting for the younger to open his eyes only to be horribly disappointed in the end again. There is no need hoping for something that isn't going to happen.

And even if it were – would Yoongi actually want that right now? Well, of course. He would want Taehyung to decide what he actually wants. He would want Taehyung to spent his life not having to marry someone he doesn't love. But does that also mean he wants to get back together with the other? After everything that happened?

The thought makes his anger bubble up again, it rises in his throat like bile and Yoongi has to fight against it, has to fight to keep it down and not explode. For the time being, he just accepts his anger, accepts the torturous feelings of betrayal and disappointment that he couldn't push aside every single second of the day without thinking about their origin. Or their validation.

Everyone's eyes jump back to Taehyung's father when he starts speaking with venom dripping from his voice. Yoongi isn't sure if he's aware that there are actually other persons in the room as well – both of them, Taehyung and his father, seem to be lost in some kind of glaring contest, unable to really acknowledge the other people around them.

"Do you think about how much shame you bring upon our name with your sick – fantasies?" The older man spits maliciously – the disgust on his face is obvious. Even though those words aren't directed at Yoongi, he strangely feels the sting of them in his own chest as well. "Don't get me started on those clubs you go to. The people there are just –"

"Don't talk about me or anyone else from the community like this."

Taehyung's voice cuts through the air like a knife. It's calm, collected but at the same time dangerously unsettling. Yoongi has never heard him speak like that, never heard this tone of voice coming out of the other's mouth and it is – scary. Really scary.

Everyone in the room seemed to hold their breath, afraid to break the threatening silence with any type of noise. The tension on the air is thick enough to make Yoongi's skin prickle, the taste of challenge so prominent that he could taste it on his tongue.

It hasn't been mentioned with a single word but Yoongi is not stupid. Of course, he knows what those two are talking about, knows what Taehyung's father is referring to. He just would have never guessed that the older male would actually know about Taehyung's preference, would know about his involvement in the BDSM scene. He couldn't imagine actually telling his father about things like that. There must have been another way for the elder man to know about this. Surely there must have been.

Yoongi knows the man has in no way addressed him but the clear disgust at anyone involved in this particular scene isn't something he could just ignore. It's not like he doesn't feel the sting of rejection, even if he should be used to it by now. After all, BDSM is rejected by the majority of society. Actual BDSM.

There's this negative stigma surrounding it. BDSM is not something that fits into a society that avoids talking about anything sexual freely, it's seen and treated as something dirty, abnormal. Weird. It's nothing more than a perverted fetish and unnatural kinks.

Almost everyone watched BDSM porn at least once, almost everyone knows about Fifty Shades of Grey and yeah, no one complains about a spank or two. No one bats an eye when they're pressed in the mattress or treated a little more roughly in bed but actual BDSM? First off, most don't even know what BDSM is. They believe society's stigma, they think everything portrayed in porn or fiction like Fifty Shades is an accurate representation of what BDSM actually is. And because it is widely considered a 'taboo topic' no one actually does any research to try and understand what it's really about.

Yoongi knows about the stigma, about the negative connotations connected to BDSM. Hell, even his friends were a little wary when he told them about his involvement in the scene but they were mature enough to let themselves be educated on a topic that they were misinformed about. Not everyone is like that though. Which is sad. Truly sad.

But Yoongi is used to the prejudice, to the disgust on people's faces as soon as actual BDSM involvement is mentioned anywhere. None of these people understand why someone might need the scenes, might need to give up or exert control. None of them actually understand how much these people trust each other during scenes, how important consent is. They don't care about that.

And the media actually worsens these prejudices and misinformation instead of clearing them up.

Yoongi tries to relax his tensed shoulders again, letting go of his bottom lip as he looks up. The staring contest between the two Kim's is still going on and it doesn't seem like it would end any time soon. Someone has to put an end to it.

"Sir?" Yoongi tries to get his boss' attention carefully, not missing how Taehyung's gaze immediately snaps towards him. He chooses to ignore those burning eyes though.

"Yeah," The older man gathers himself again, coughing before his face becomes serious once more. "The topic just – I don't like it but anyway," He sighs, cutting his own sentence off with a wave of his hand.

"I think that," Yoongi speaks again, wincing at the fact that he didn't manage to contain himself, "People are allowed to enjoy their free time without having others judge them for their interests."

He keeps his head low, eyes squeezed shut to avoid having to see everyone's reaction to his unexpected words. Especially, Taehyung's father seems surprised considering the fact that it takes him a few seconds to answer. "You wouldn't think like that if you knew what he was talking about."

"I do – know. I know. And I still think like this," Yoongi whispers, loud enough for everyone to hear even though it doesn't matter. He would like to point out that the majority of the people in this room actually know what they're talking about. It's just Dawon that doesn't know. Oh, but maybe she does. Maybe she does know – How could Yoongi be sure about that?

Involuntarily he looks up, catching her gaze. It surprises him but her brown eyes are already focused on him as if she's been waiting for him to finally turn towards her direction. Yoongi wishes he could hate her but it's impossible. He tried – he really did. But as much as he could never completely hate Taehyung for what he did, he definitely couldn't hate Dawon. Though he doesn't understand her motivation for everything this is still an arranged marriage. She'll have to marry someone without loving or really knowing them too.

That's not something Yoongi would wish anyone. And in the end, it hasn't been her who is at fault for what happened between him and Taehyung. It's not even her fault that she's supposed to marry the man Yoongi imagined his own forever with.

His eyes travel towards her hand, still intertwined with Taehyung's. The bitter taste of jealousy on his tongue is inevitable. Taehyung is grabbing her hand tight enough to turn his knuckles white, the skin stretching over the bone like it's ready to tear any moment.

"Okay," Dawon breaks the silence that stretched for too long between everyone. "Maybe we can shorten this whole thing a bit."

It's like everyone is taking in a sharp breath at the same time, turning towards her in confusion. Yoongi feels ready to burst. Everything he tried to push down for the past two weeks crawls up again, punching their claws in his tender flesh to not be pushed away. All the different emotions swirl up and Yoongi couldn't focus on one. It's overwhelming and he would really want to just let it all out now but he has to keep it together.

He can't break right now, not here.

His gaze stays on Taehyung, naturally drawn to him. The younger is the only one who doesn't look surprised by her words. He's also the only one looking down in shame instead of gasping in shock when the next words leave Dawon's lips.

"I don't want the wedding anymore."

"You signed a contract!" Taehyung's father is the first one to yell in outrage.

"And I have a lawyer who's going to nullify it because of the form errors in it." Dawon's voice is icy, gone is the flawless smile on her lips, replaced by a stern expression. "They nullified contracts for less."

Yoongi's ears are ringing. There's nothing he could focus on but the way Dawon removes her hand from Taehyung's tight grip before turning towards him.

"I really appreciate how honest you were to me." There's so much fondness in her voice and in her gaze while speaking to Taehyung that it makes Yoongi's blood boil. But he couldn't react, his mind isn't even able to comprehend the words that just left Dawon's mouth. Even less understand the implication and meaning they hold.

"I don't really care about the wedding – whether it happens or not," She continues to talk while Yoongi continues to feel like someone just ripped him from reality and dumped him in an alternative universe.

"I don't care. I mean, if I would have married you then that would have been alright, I guess," She says, looking at Taehyung. "You're nice and Hoseok likes you but if I wouldn't marry you I also wouldn't be sad about it. It's not like I have feelings for you or would develop them. I only agreed for the sake of my brother. But I'm so sorry-" This time she directs her words at Hoseok, reaching out for his hand, "I'm sorry I can't do it if this is going to ruin Taehyung's relationship. I didn't know that he has been in love with someone all this time and I don't want to ruin that. Not after what he told me. Not after I heard how much he loves them."

Yoongi doesn't really know what's happening anymore. Usually, he is quick to grasp situations but this – this is just something he couldn't bring his mind to understand. He just couldn't. His eyes are locked on his own hands, trembling in his lap. Every noise seems to be far, far away – like everyone is talking through a speaker far away from him. Their voices a mix of static and the ringing in his ears.

His heart pounds fast in his chest, cold sweat breaks out all over his body and he couldn't focus. What is even happening right now? Why is Dawon ending the contract? Why – How does she even know about everything? Did Taehyung ask her to? And if he did... why couldn't he have done that much earlier? Like at the beginning? Before everything turned into this game of who's able to hide the truth the longest?

"Yoongi..." He snaps his head up. The soft voice of Taehyung taking him back to reality. The younger male is staring at him, a painful expression on his face and tears glistening in the corners of his eyes.

Everything is getting too much. Yoongi is about to be swallowed by his inner turmoil.

"What is she even talking about, Taehyung?" It's the voice of the younger's father that breaks Yoongi free from his mind.

Without even thinking about it he's standing up, abruptly pushing the chair back and everyone's eyes are on him when it clatters to the floor. He knows he's shaking, his vision getting blurry as he supports his weight with his hands pressed on top of the table. His breath comes out in pants and the burn of everyone's gazes tears holes in his skin.

Everything is too much.

He has no idea what to think – his mind running on high speed, thoughts tumbling over each other and blending together. Yoongi couldn't grasp a single coherent sentence swirling trough his mind at the moment. At the same time, his feelings are all over the place as well.

Unable to push any of them down again, they all mix together inside of his chest. Every single one of them wants to overpower the other ones and Yoongi knows that his seams are about to burst. The world seems to be spinning around him and he can't – he can't believe that it's suddenly possible to call the whole fucking thing off.

For a moment, anger gets the upper hand and the searing fire runs through his body in seconds. How is it fucking possible that everything is suddenly so easy? Why the fuck does it only need fucking Dawon to call the whole wedding off?! And why - why did he talk to her now?

The last time they saw each other – the last time they really talked to each other Taehyung had made his choice more than clear. The last time they were together Taehyung gave him up, gave them up. He gave everything up, didn't want to fight and Yoongi, he forced himself to accept that. Forced himself to push his feelings regarding Taehyung down because the younger didn't choose him, them.

And now – fucking now Taehyung suddenly has a way to figure this whole fucking thing out?! He wants to laugh. Maybe he does. He's not really sure. But he can't believe this. Seriously? Taehyung let him suffer so much, for so long only for the wedding to be called off in the end?! Yoongi cried too many nights, wasted too many tears, sat alone through too many panic attacks since he found out about the whole thing. He got his heart ripped from his chest twice – twice, it was two times that Taehyung didn't choose him and for what?! For this?!

He couldn't deal with this. It's just too much at the moment.

"Yoongi!" Taehyung calls after him, getting up from his chair as well. "Please wait!"

"Shut the fuck up!" Yoongi gasps at his own harsh words, standing frozen halfway to the door – halfway to a real intake of breath. "Please – just –" Hot tears trail down his cheeks and in his attempt to stop them only more of them drop from his lashes. He could feel everyone's eyes on him, everyone's staring, everyone's seeing how he literally breaks apart. And he can't take it. "I don't know – I don't know what to think! Why – I don't get why you didn't just – " He cuts himself off again, drawing in a struggling breath.

"How can everything suddenly be so easy?!" He yells, wrapping his own arms around himself. "Why couldn't you do that the last two times we talked?! Why did you make me suffer so much and for so long? For what?"

"Please..." Taehyung's voice is thin, unusually quiet and – defeated. He's watching him from behind the table, a pleading expression on his face but his eyes are full of guilt.

"I don't even know what you want from me." Yoongi's mind is still all over the place. He couldn't really tell if his sentences are actually making sense, if they're coherent. Everything is spinning around him and the only thing he definitely knows is that he wants to get out. Out. Out. Out.

"We're over. I gave you two chances already. Two! You're way too late... Too late to fight now... You should have fought from the beginning but now – no. Taehyung, I can't -" He gasps again. It's impossible to breathe in this room and he needs to go. Now. "I don't even know if I'm angry, happy, sad – or whatever. I don't know... I can't – I can't deal with this right now. I still – everything you've done, I still hate you for that. I can't just forgive you right now."

"I know." And Taehyung is smiling but his face is full of pain. Yoongi couldn't look at him any longer. "I don't need you to forgive me. You can hate me forever but now I won't hate myself forever. Just know that I will never stop loving you."

And this time it's Yoongi who leaves without looking back, stumbling over his own feet in his hurry to get as far away from the whole situation as possible.

Taehyung watches him run away through a haze of his own tears.

"I can't believe this..." It's his father who breaks the silence with a quiet whisper. Enough to make Taehyung snap out of it and the sudden freeing feeling spreading through his chest spurs him on to continue this redemption. It's like finally breaking through the surface of the water to fill his lungs with air again. Finally doing the right thing, finally opening his eyes to the reality he didn't want to accept feels – liberating.

"Dad." Taehyung looks his father straight in the eyes, purposely disregarding the honorifics he usually has to use when addressing his father. The man doesn't seem to notice though, still shaken up from the sudden breakdown of Yoongi. Taehyung closes his eyes. Focus. Focus. He can put everything related to Yoongi aside for a second – this, this moment right here needs to have his whole attention for the time being. After that he could let himself wallow in self-pity, could drown himself in the heartbreak that he caused himself.

Dawon stares up at him, an encouraging nod is everything he needs to finally voice the words that'll free him from the shackles his father tied him up with. "I should have said this sooner and I've been a coward but I'm going to say it now. There's a reason why we didn't have any contact before you fell sick. You were – are a shitty parent. That's just a fact. You were never a real father to me – and maybe you were never cut out to be one but you also never tried."

How often did Taehyung think about these words? How often did he imagine himself saying these to his father only to chicken out in the end? When he ran away as a teenager – back then he was filled with rage, so much rage that it was enough to fuel his goal to finally get away from his father. There has never been a conversation like this – there couldn't have been.

It has always been just yelling. Taehyung doesn't even remember what kind of profanities he threw at his father's head, doesn't remember the words he yelled at him before getting his bag and turning away from his childhood home without looking over his shoulder.

But this, this right here is way overdue. This conversation should have happened right at the start but Taehyung let himself be lulled in, let himself be taken advantage of like he always did. What did Yoongi say? Too nice. He's too nice. It took him time, it took him a whole night of talking with Dawon but he finally gets it. He gets it.

And even if it's too late for Yoongi and him, at least he can still do this.

"The only thing you care about is your business," Taehyung continues and finally lifts his head, staring right in his father's eyes. The man is speechless, eyes and mouth wide open. And Taehyung gets it – it's been the first time he ever said something like that, the first time he ever talked back since they started seeing each other again. But Taehyung is finally sick of it. He could finally accept the toxicity of their relationship that he never wanted to be true.

He finally realized that he couldn't pretend forever.

"You never cared about me or mom or anyone else as much as you care about the company. You only ever cared about yourself and the company. I should have never let you back in my life but I hoped – I wished that maybe you would have changed and for the first years it even seemed like it, you know? I thought you had changed and that you genuinely wanted me back in your life but you obviously didn't."

It was foolish. Taehyung should have known it but he's always been a little naïve when it comes to his family, especially his father. Something inside of him thought that his cancer might have changed his father. A lot of people change when they're suddenly faced with the fact that they're mortal – and most of them suddenly start valuing things they disregarded before, like happiness or family. And Taehyung really, he wholeheartedly believed that his father wanted him back – wanted his son but he didn't.

Like always, it was nothing more than a plan to benefit himself and his company.

"I can't blame you for your own decisions though. It's alright if you don't want me in your life," He says but the words hurt. They will always hurt, cutting through his flesh as he forces them over his tongue. "But if you don't plan on wanting to have me back in your life because of me and our relationship and not because of the sake of the company then I have to cut you off again. You're my father but only by blood and I don't owe you anything. I owe you nothing – especially not my love after never having received love from you."

Taehyung could feel the tension in the air but for him it's – it's still weirdly liberating. It's liberating finally saying the words that have always been inside of him, hidden in crevices, pushed away by himself only to now finally see the light of day.

"Just because you're my father doesn't mean that I'm obligated to love you and care for you," Taehyung says – he expected his voice to waver, expected the tears to be already trailing down his cheeks but none of that happens. "I want to. I want to love you and I want to care for you. I would want to be there for you during these hard times but I can't do that if you don't actually want me. I can't do that if you don't want me as your son by your side. It hurts me. It has always hurt me. The way you treat me has always hurt me and I thought cancer might have opened your eyes but in the end, you just needed me for your own benefit. I refuse to be a puppet. Either you want me – your son – without any ulterior motives or I'll be gone."

He wouldn't have expected the tone of finality in his own voice, especially not when it's directed at his father. Now that it's out, now that everything that needed to be said has been said the liberating feeling slowly fades and develops into something best described as exhaustion.

Tiredness seeps in and Taehyung drops his head again. He doesn't expect his father to answer but still, he still pauses and waits. And he waits for a long time but no one says a word. The silence seems to stretch forever before he sucks in a sharp breath, straightening up and collecting his jacket.

"So, unless you change your mind this will be the last time we see each other." He couldn't say what the expression on his father's face means, what it could convey but it doesn't matter. Taehyung doesn't care about the way his father actually avoids his eyes, doesn't care about the frown on his lips and the lines between his eyebrows. "You know how to reach me – just in case..."

No one tries to stop him as he leaves.

Taehyung walks down the hallways that he walked through so many times before like he's in trance. He walks past familiar faces but couldn't bring himself to smile at a single one. It doesn't make sense or maybe it does? Is there a way to know if he's actually supposed to feel this torn?

There's a part inside of himself that is proud. It's the remains of his rebellious teenage persona. This part is cheering, it's hollering and throwing a party because all this time it has been inside of him, hidden from the world and now it's finally free again. And yeah, it does feel liberating, it does feel like he could finally breathe for the first time in over four years but at the same time, Taehyung feels guilty.

He still feels guilty because it's his father. It's still his father and even though he's done horrible things, even though he never really showed him love or affection, even though he's never been proud of him, never treated him as anything but someone who makes mistake after mistake – even after all of that Taehyung believes that there's good in him. And of course, there is still his sickness.

After everything, he knows that his father doesn't really have years left on this earth and despite everything that went down between them he would be ready to forgive and forget. But even that isn't enough for his father. Taehyung has never been anything more than a puppet for him and even though he should be happy to be free from that he couldn't help the other part inside of himself that feels guilty, sad, and disappointed.

Once he reaches the exit the first tears drop. Taehyung sits down on the stairs leading up to the building, burying his face in his hands as he lets everything wash over him. It doesn't matter that he's in public, it doesn't matter that the security guard and the secretaries in the foyer could see him bawling his eyes out. It doesn't matter.

Just like Yoongi said, he has no idea how to feel – what to feel or to think. Everything is just way too overwhelming.

A hand squeezes his shoulder and he snaps his head up, the small spark of hope flaring up in his chest that it might be Yoongi or his father coming to look for him but it dies down again. Just as quickly as it began.

"Everything is going to be alright," Hoseok tries to encourage him. The elder settles next to him and lets him cry into his shoulder. "You finally did the right thing."

Yeah. That he did but why does he still feel like this? He knows he did the right thing but his feelings are still all over the place. And if his father decides that Taehyung is actually not important enough to be in his life he lost not only one but two persons. He lost Yoongi and he already lost him for the third time. But how does the saying go? Third time's the charm or whatever?

"Way too late..." Taehyung sniffles, trying to wipe his face clean of tears and snot with the back of his hand. "Oh god – I hope he doesn't fire Yoongi." The sudden fear of that possibility surges through him like a cold shock, freezing the blood in his veins momentarily.

"Nah, he wouldn't," Hoseok is quick to deny, "He trusts no one but Yoongi in the office. No one knows this much about the structure of the whole company and no one would put up with his shit the way Yoongi does. No one would want to lose a worker like Yoongi."

"Yeah – oh fuck –" Taehyung groans loudly, "I hope he doesn't fire you! No wait, he wouldn't do that either, right?"

"I don't think so." Hoseok leans back on his hands, staring up at the sky. A cold gust of wind makes both of them shiver. "Maybe I won't take over after him though."

"I'm sorry..."

"It's okay." Taehyung doesn't understand how Hoseok could genuinely smile at him in this situation but the positive attitude of the other has always been a mystery to him. "If I don't get to be CEO then that's that but the most important thing now is that you've finally been honest. I'm so proud of you."

"Yeah..." Taehyung shakes his head, "But I still lost the most important thing in my life."

Maybe it sounds dramatic right now. Maybe a year from now he could live without feeling the pain of losing Yoongi but he doubts that. There just hasn't been a person he loved like Yoongi in his life before. The feelings he has for the elder male are – out of this world. And Taehyung doubts that he would ever be able to get over them or love someone else in a similar manner.

"I know everything looks pretty dark right now but give it time," Hoseok smiles again, knocking their shoulders together. "I don't think Yoongi will stay mad at you forever. You two need closure but first, you need space from each other and from the whole situation that got you here. I think he's overwhelmed but he'll come around. At least to get closure."

Taehyung nods. That's right. Yoongi is going to come around and even if they'll never be the same again, never be a couple again and maybe even end up as nothing more than exes – Taehyung would have to accept everything. Because he's the one that fucked up this time.

Maybe they weren't meant to be. Maybe the universe didn't intend for them to end up together. But if it did, they'll find a way back to each other. Taehyung just has to believe that and he understands. Yoongi will need time to heal, to calm down, to assess the whole situation calmly and as unbiased as possible.

He wishes that the whole situation would have ended differently. He wishes those hardships would have never strained their relationship and wouldn't have torn it apart in the end, but this is life. And there's no button to rewind life. He couldn't turn back time to make everything right. He can just hope for the future and that's what he's going to do. Even if it seems pretty hopeless right now.

"Taehyung?" He snaps his head up, heart beating a mile per minute as he actually recognizes his father standing behind him. The man looks – conflicted and he's still avoiding his gaze.

"What do you want?"

"I'm sorry."

These are words he never heard his father say to him. This is what he wanted right? So why... why doesn't it feel right?

Taehyung gets up. Like this, he's towering over his father who is even a tad shorter than Yoongi. The man still doesn't look at his eyes, his fists clenching at his sides and Taehyung knows. He knows that his apology has been anything but sincere.

"Are you really though?" He asks and his father tenses. "Or are you just apologizing because I called you out?"

The silence is enough of an answer for Taehyung and he turns to leave.

"You can call me if you've made up your mind."

Without knowing where to go Yoongi ends up in front of his friend's apartment. And as he stares at the brown door through a thick haze of tears he doesn't know if he actually has the confidence to knock.

This is the place he always runs to when everything completely turned to shit. Somehow he always ends up right here, in front of the same dark brown door with tears running down his cheeks and the feeling of having nowhere else to go. But this time it's slightly different. He's avoided both of them as good as he could for the past two weeks and finally, the guilt of keeping them at a distance hits him.

Should he really burden them with this right now?

"Hyung?"

His whole body freezes as fresh tears start to bloom in the corners of his eyes. He could hear the steps from behind him, carefully approaching him but he could barely make out the person's face through his tears. But the soft voice has been a dead giveaway.

"Hyung, I'm here," He whispers sweetly and it only makes Yoongi sob harder. Here he is, in the hallway, in front of the apartment of his best friends, crying hysterically and having Jungkook, the guy so much younger than him, worrying about him. Shouldn't it always be the other way around? What is it? Four years between them? Shouldn't Yoongi be the one to offer Jungkook a shoulder and not the other way around?

This is not how it's supposed to be. Jungkook is not supposed to catch him when he falls, Yoongi is the older one, Yoongi is the one that should be dependable. But when has anything ever been normal when it comes to him? He has always relied on younger people – Namjoon and Hoseok both are younger than him. It's only Seokjin that he could call hyung. There's no one else.

"I'm gonna take you inside, hyung. Is that okay?" Jungkook asks but Yoongi is not even able to answer. Doesn't even have to when Jungkook knocks and the door opens to reveal Seokjin whose smile immediately slips off his face once he recognizes the two men.

"Yoonie..." Gentle hands guide him inside and Yoongi doesn't mind them. This time he doesn't. He needs something, someone to ground him, someone to keep him from breaking apart. "Everything's going to be okay. Do you hear me? Everything's going to be fine, Yoonie. We're here."

But all Yoongi could think is 'Nothing is ever going to be okay. It'll never be fine.'

-o-

They are not supposed to have a scent but every time Taehyung paints he swears he could detect a distinct smell belonging to his acrylic paints in the air.

When Taehyung came to Seoul and started building his career alongside Jimin he kind of lost his own passion to paint along the way. He went years with his brushes catching dust, empty canvases blankly staring at him and paint drying in their tubes. Taehyung didn't spare his own art a single glance for years – until Yoongi came around.

And with Yoongi in his life, he started painting again. He remembers the inspiration running through his veins, the feeling of it exhilarating. Just looking at Yoongi was enough to fill his mind with ideas of color compositions, textures and particular brush strokes over an empty canvas. It almost felt too easy painting with Yoongi in mind but the elder made him happy, happier than he thought he could be.

When he found out about his father's plan to marry him off his passion subsided again. It faded away, vanishing between the guilt and stress of keeping this secret while trying to work out a solution for everything. Just like that, he forgot about everything again. Forgot his paints, his brushes, his canvases – he forgot it until now.

And once again it's Yoongi awakening his passion. Maybe a bit different this time.

Taehyung spent the last few weeks moping around every time he's not at work. It has gotten pretty lonely even though his friends and he are okay again. At least that went well. Hoseok told him to give Yoongi time, to give him space and Taehyung has done that but it's hard. It's hard and painful and everything is a hundred times worse because Taehyung brought this upon himself.

So, he's been isolating himself as much as possible. Jimin still forces his way in though. He always did and he always will – Taehyung loves him because of that. There's nothing that could hold Jimin back from trying to cheer him up, from trying to take his mind off things. Taehyung could yell at him, could throw him out, could ignore him, could cry the whole time he's here or pretend that he isn't hurting at all and Jimin would stay. Jimin would stay with him through everything.

The fact that he hid the engagement from everyone and hurt Yoongi because of that has not only ruined their relationship but also strained every single one of Taehyung's friendships. Honestly, that's the only thing that worked out in the end. His friendships. Jimin is with him again, Hoseok checks up on him and Jungkook too. It's a little weird when he's at Jimin's and Namjoon is with them. Same goes for Seokjin.

It's sad that the break up between Yoongi and him kinda made these friendships weird as well. It's like they don't know how to act around each other. Taehyung gets it. Of course, he does. They were Yoongi's friends first. They're closer to him than they would probably ever be with Taehyung but he liked them too. And every time he sees them questions about the elder burn on his tongue but he never has the courage to voice them.

Apart from restoring his friendships, nothing has worked out in the past two months. Yesterday was the wedding supposed to happen. Taehyung is more than relieved that he spent that day at home, hiding under the covers of his bed as he got used to doing now.

He hasn't been doing well.

Not at all.

A break up always hurts. He knows that. But this is different. This is so complicated, there are so many different aspects, so many different emotions involved that Taehyung couldn't focus on just being sad or just being hurt or just feeling guilty. There's too much so he chooses to let everything consume him at once.

He's nothing more than a shadow of his former self. An empty shell, a hollow soul living day after day. Enduring day after day. He's got his friends back but the loneliness inside of him grows with each passing day. Yoongi is gone. Slowly he starts to believe that he'll never see the elder again, that they'll never even have the chance of getting closure. And then there's his father.

The man has always been proud, an ego almost as big as his company. Taehyung doesn't really know what he expected when he gave him this ultimatum but somehow, something inside of him really wanted his father to reach out to him. As hard as everything's been between them, all Taehyung ever wanted was a normal relationship with him and maybe that's been the reason he was so blinded. All he ever wanted was to have a father.

But it's been two months now. Two months and his father hasn't called, hasn't reached out.

Taehyung shakes his head, trying to focus back on the canvas in front of him. A swirl of dark colors fills the once white background. Dark blues mixing with a deep purple and black. With nimble fingers, Taehyung starts adding lighter colors to the basic outline of the hands he painted in the middle.

They're reaching – a pair of hands reaching from the darkness, desperately searching for the light. Pale skin almost blindingly bright against the other dark colors. It's hard concentrating on getting the shading right when his mind is still all over the place. But at least he could kind of get lost in his thoughts while moving his brush over the canvas.

It keeps the pain in check.

He wishes he would have opened his eyes sooner. He wishes he could have said 'no' back then. Wait – he did it. He did say no to his father's request but the man knew exactly what Taehyung needed to hear to change his mind. Now he could see right through it, he could recognize that no matter what he would give up for his father – the other man would never see him like Taehyung wants to be seen by him.

It's sad. It hurts but it's the truth.

He remembers the day his father asked him to marry Dawon. It's crystal clear inside of his mind.

A warm day of late summer, just a week after he accompanied his father to the hospital and they got the news that he probably won't make it another eighteen months or so. Two years at most – if the last few months could be called living rather than just surviving.

"They don't give me much time. Maybe a bit over one and a half years when I'm lucky." His father said these words to him a week after the hospital visit, retelling what the doctor said as if he already forgot that Taehyung had been there as well.

Maybe he did forget. Maybe that had also just been another way to gain his son's pity, to somehow manage to emotionally manipulate him just a bit further. Taehyung remembers sitting in his father's office, the butterflies that erupted when he greeted Yoongi just a few seconds prior already gone. Replaced by something heavy. He knew, back then he already knew that something was up. His father always got that weird glint in his eyes when he wanted something from him. Taehyung just wouldn't have guessed something as extreme as this to be his wish.

"I wanted to talk to you about what's going to happen after I'm gone," He had continued to talk – voice emotionless. Taehyung was used to that. His father mostly speaks like he's in a business meeting, it's as if he never leaves work. But what he had told him next was not really something Taehyung didn't know but something that his father rarely actually said out loud. "You've always... disappointed me. I wanted you to be so great but you just – you and I are very different."

Taehyung had pretended that it didn't hurt. Hell, he is still pretending that those words didn't just cut right through his heart like a dull knife. Ripping his insides to shreds as painfully as possible. Back then, in his father's office, he had to pretend like those words didn't make tears spring to his eyes. He had to pretend that it didn't hurt to hear what his father made him feel like for all his life.

Sometimes Taehyung had tried to convince himself that it was just in his head, that his father doesn't actually think of him as nothing more than someone who continues to disappoint him no matter what he does. But then these words had come out of his mouth and Taehyung couldn't deny it anymore.

No matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried – there has never been a word of praise uttered from his father, never a proud smile. At least not that Taehyung could remember. Growing up as a disappointment is the only thing he knows, the only thing he's used to. And he thought he was over it. He thought his father was as well. But apparently not. Apparently, even as an adult, the words of his father could destroy him the same way they did when he was a teenager.

"But there is one thing you can do for me that would make me proud, very proud."

And maybe that was what caught Taehyung's interest at first. Those simple words – make me proud – awakened the small child inside of him that just wanted to be loved by its father.

"My company – I can't just leave it behind after working all my life to build it up, to make it as successful as it is at the moment. I can't stand the thought that it won't stay in the family just because you refused to take it over when I asked you to."

He didn't recognize the obvious guilt-tripping back then. He didn't recognize anything and he also couldn't understand what his father would want him to do. There just wasn't anything that he could imagine doing to keep his father's company without actually taking it over.

"Dad," He had said, daring to look at his father's face instead of staring at his own hands, "I – You understand that even now, I can't just replace you, right?"

And as if Taehyung had said the most hilarious thing his father had broken out into laughter. Shaking his head. And that hurt as well. Another thing that his father had always been very good at was making Taehyung feel stupid, small – inferior. "I don't want you in charge of my company – you wouldn't know what to do and would probably push it to bankruptcy in the first few months," He had said once he caught his breath again, "No, no but you can help me keep it in the family."

That was the moment Taehyung had felt completely lost. Not an idea about what his father imagined had been popping up in his mind.

"What do you want from me?"

Taehyung remembers the next words the most. It's like they're inked on his skin, permanently there to remind him that he let himself be talked into something that completely ruined the best thing he ever had in his life.

Just the wording still sends shivers down his spine and as his father's voice echoes through his head once again, Taehyung has to put his brush down. Unable to continue to paint when the memories of that moment haunt his mind.

"It's not something I want from you. It is something you owe me," His father had said – and just that should have been enough to warn Taehyung but back then he couldn't see everything from the perspective he has now. "You owe me because all your life you've never done anything right. All your life you kept presenting me disappointment after disappointment and now I'm giving you one last chance to redeem yourself. To make me proud, for the first time in your whole life. I would love to leave this earth being able to know that my son can be something more than a disappointment, an embarrassment for me."

Taehyung had been silent then, unable to make a single sound as he had stared at his trembling hands. There still hadn't been a single thing he could imagine that his father wanted him to do but now he had been scared. Scared of what it was that he should do. And of course, in the back of his mind had always been Yoongi's smile. His heart beating faster for the elder male even though they've only been together for a few months.

The next words had stopped his heart for a second and Taehyung had known that he had every right to be scared.

"I'm gonna make Jung Hoseok the next CEO and you'll marry into his family."

"I – what?"

"He has a lovely sister," His father had explained quickly, not once addressing Taehyung's obvious discomfort with the whole situation. But disregarding the feelings of others was something he had always been good at. And is still good at today. "You'll marry her and as part of the family, you'll keep stocks of the business. You'll stay part of the business."

"I don't..." Taehyung's first instinct had been to reject the whole idea – Yoongi at the front of his mind. He couldn't just marry someone when he had already been so in love with another person and he liked to imagine that he had really tried to make his fathers see that back then. "I don't know – I can't just marry her. Dad – I have someone I love and I –"

"Marriage isn't always about love," His father had interrupted him and Taehyung didn't have it in him to speak up against the elder male. "And even if you have someone, drop them. You're gonna marry Jung Dawon and make me proud."

"But I –"

"Don't you want to make me proud?" And there it had been again. Taehyung remembers how he had stopped thinking once he heard those words. For a moment he had imagined how it would feel like, making his father proud – hearing him say those words to him. And that had been his mistake – he let himself think about this and then he let his father guilt-trip him into the marriage.

"Don't you want to grant me my final wish? This is the only thing I ask of you. Taehyung, I don't know if you even understand that but I'm going to die." And he had immediately felt bad, immediately felt obligated to grant his father his literal last wish.

Since he knew about his cancer it had become harder and harder to refuse his father anything. Every time he thought about denying his father something he would think about the possibility that the other could be gone the next day, falling victim to his cancer. And Taehyung didn't know if he could live with the guilt of not granting his father his final wish.

But he had still been unsure. Still, not a hundred percent on board with everything but his father had known that as well. And he had continued pressuring Taehyung. "You would actually refuse your dying father his last wish? You would want to live with that shame? Would want to live with that burden for the rest of your life? Always knowing that you've been nothing more than a disappointment?"

Just the memory brings tears back to his eyes and Taehyung remembers how his fingernails had pressed bluish bruises in his arms from how hard he dug them into his skin. He remembers how fast his mind had been spinning and that he could only think about two things. Disappointing his father and the fact that he would die.

It was the perfect act of emotional manipulation.

"I expect your answer tomorrow."

But Taehyung didn't have to wait for tomorrow to give his answer. He remembers the sharp breath he had sucked in, could still clearly see every single disappointed gaze ever directed at him. Could clearly remember every single moment he embarrassed his father, every single mistake he did and he remembers how the prospect of finally having a chance to make his father proud had made him feel.

It had been a sin too sweet to resist.

"I'll do it. I'll marry her." And as he had spoken those words his whole self got ripped into two. One part that got guilt-tripped and one part that knew that his decision was the wrong one.

The sudden ringing of his phone pulls him back to reality and his memories fade from his mind like a stone dropped in murky water. Taehyung drops the brush he had been squeezing way too tight, not caring about the splatter of paint now coating the bottom of his sweatpants. He answers the call without even looking at the ID, picking up his phone as fast as possible.

"Hello?" His voice is full of hope. For the last two months, he had hoped for Yoongi to call, to text – had hoped for anything at all. Maybe his time has finally come. It could be him. It could be Yoongi calling –

"Tae-ah." It's not Yoongi's voice on the other side of the phone.

He freezes. "Mom?"

Her voice is thin, weak. She might be crying. "They admitted your father to the hospital. Please, come. He wants to see you."