There's always a distinctive smell associated with hospitals that leaves Taehyung feeling a little unsettled.

He's never felt comfortable in the endless corridors of squeaky clean floors, people running around seemingly aimlessly, dressed in all white and the smell... A mix of cleanliness, sanitizer, and something Taehyung couldn't describe. Maybe it's just part of his imagination but he couldn't help but think it's the smell of death always looming in the corners and tiny crevices of the hospital.

His steps echo through the long corridor despite him not being the only one in here. A few doors leading into the patient's rooms are opened and he could see people with various conditions being visited by either their family, friends or nurses. After the short call with his mother, he immediately dressed and drove here as fast as he could but now... actually being here – he wishes he would have taken more time.

He has no idea what to expect right now. It's been two months of radio silence from his father and now he's in the hospital. Is it something serious? Is his time up sooner than they expected it to be?

Taehyung tries to shake those thoughts from his mind as he searches for the right room number. His hands are sweaty, teeth biting the inside of his cheek when he finally arrives in front of the right door. 309.

The numbers seem to mock him just the same way the closed door does. He takes a few seconds to gather himself before he knocks quietly and pushes the white door open.

"Taehyung..." The voice of his father is weak, a little faint but looking at him, it doesn't seem like he's on the verge of dying. Of course, he doesn't look good but Taehyung has actually seen him worse before. The room looks as sterile as the rest of the hospital. Everything is white, the chairs, the bed, the curtains, the walls, the ceiling, and the light. Taehyung hates it.

"What happened?"

"I just fainted," His father rushes to explain, downplaying the situation just like he always does. There's never a serious answer coming from him when it has something to do with his sickness. Taehyung doesn't get it but over the years that his father now lived with cancer, he has never seemed to take it seriously. Never took a break from work, never acted like the sickness would affect him in any way even if it does, obviously does.

"What did the doctors say?" Taehyung asks again. This time, however, purposely directing his question at his mother who is sitting next to the bed. There's a bit of mascara smeared right under her lashes, tear tracks on her cheeks and she just shakes her head at his question.

It seems to be more than serious this time. She hides her face behind a tissue again and Taehyung carefully steps further into the room, closing the door behind him.

"It looks like I have to give the company up sooner than I expected," His father smiles but he could see the sadness in his eyes, the pain in his expression. And Taehyung knows that this is not like all the other times he visited his father at the hospital. With weak knees, he settles down on the uncomfortable chair on the other side of the bed.

"What do you mean?"

"It's worse than they thought it would be," His father explains quietly. He avoids his gaze – Taehyung doesn't know why. Is it because they haven't talked in over two months? Or is it because of his health? Because he couldn't really talk about it without being vulnerable?

"There are already metastases in my lungs. My time is running out and I..." He pauses and as Taehyung glances at his face he could see tears glimmering in his eyes. His hands start shaking but he tries to hide it, digging his fingernails into the flesh of his thighs. "I thought about what you said to me and Taehyung... Taehyung, I know I can't change the past, I can't change the fact that I'm a horrible parent but you're my son and I have always loved you. I'm sorry..."

Time seems to stop for a moment. Just a small moment, maybe a second – a fraction of a second. But it's enough for Taehyung to feel like he lost the ground under his feet. His heart plummets to the floor as his chest tightens painfully.

He doesn't remember a time where his father genuinely apologized to him.

"I've only been thinking of myself for years and that's not okay," He says and his voice breaks at the end. The sinking feeling in Taehyung's stomach increases and he bites down harder on his cheek, tasting blood in his mouth but he doesn't care. There are tears slowly running down his father's cheeks and this is the first time in his entire life that he's seen his father cry.

The sight – hurts. Taehyung didn't think that this would be his reaction but he feels the pain cutting through him as he watches his father cry in his hospital bed.

"I see it now. I get it. And I'm sorry, for everything. There are things I don't understand about you. There have always been and there are things that I rather not think about like – what you did with my secretary –" Taehyung winces, not because his father is hinting at his involvement with BDSM but because he mentioned Yoongi. He didn't even have to say his name but Taehyung already feels like his heart is getting ripped out of his chest again.

It's been two months of radio silence from almost everyone. Yoongi too and just hearing someone else talk about him, even slightly, triggers the immense hurt Taehyung tries to push aside.

His hands involuntarily clench and he quickly drops his gaze, afraid to start crying as well. It's not only Yoongi, not only about him. When he thinks back to the day he came clean with everything, the day Yoongi ran out of his life for good this time there are a lot of things driving daggers of pain into his chest. And one of them is the obvious disgust with which his father has always talked about his 'hobbies'.

It's not something he wanted the man to find out but something the other stumbled upon coincidentally. And every time he would express his disgust it would drive the shards of disappointment deeper into Taehyung's heart, deeper into his lungs – taking away the air to breathe for him. He never expected his father to understand what tempts him about the BDSM community – he just hoped the other would brush over it, ignore it. But he didn't. He always made him feel bad about it so this... just addressing it as something he doesn't think of as shameful means more to Taehyung than he would have thought.

It makes tears of his own spring to his eyes.

"But I love you and I want – I want you to be by my side as well." A hand closes around his clenched fist and Taehyung snaps his head up, meeting his father's teary gaze. "I want to be there for my family as long as I still can. I'm sorry for what I did, for how I treated you and your mother. And I'm sorry that it took me so long to realize this. I'm sorry that I had to fall sick to see how bad I treated all of you. You don't have to forgive me, obviously, but I would appreciate it if you would stay with me until the end."

Taehyung gulps. His throat is closing up while his vision gets hazy. He doesn't know what to say – even if he did, he's sure that he wouldn't be able to get a single word out of his mouth at the moment. After two months of nothing, he kind of gave up on hoping that his father would reach out for him again and now the time has come. The time has come and Taehyung is tongue-tied.

"And I," His voice trembles, "I know I never said it, never showed it and did the complete opposite of it but I – Taehyung, I'm proud of you. So proud."

That's enough to make the tears fall. They carve themselves in his cheeks, their hotness seeping through Taehyung's skin as the first sob fights its way out of his mouth.

This is all he ever wanted. All his life, all his goddamn life he just wished for his father to be proud of him. He just wanted him to be proud of him for who he was, for what he does and finally hearing it – Taehyung couldn't even describe what he's feeling right now. A mixture between so many different emotions - he wouldn't be able to name a single one at the moment.

"I could always see how much passion you had and I've been blinded by my own success to ever waste a single thought on what you wanted to do," His father continues to talk, squeezing his hand tightly, "I always only thought about what I wanted you to do. I could never understand why you wouldn't want to take over the company and it made me angry. I know that was wrong. And you proved to me how much you could really do. I never said it but I'm proud of you, so proud. You got successful with nothing, without my support, in a field that I don't understand and that's great. I'm proud of you."

Taehyung is crying freely now and he doesn't care that those ugly sobs escape his lips. Nothing of that matters at the moment. He holds his father's hand tightly, leaning forward to let his forehead touch the hospital bed and he could feel how the other man's free hand starts drawing circles on his back.

All the feelings swirling through his head at the moment are overwhelming and Taehyung isn't even sure if he's able to process everything his father is still saying to him.

"The marriage – Even while thinking of it I knew that it was wrong, deep down I knew but I was desperate. Desperate and still blinded. I'm sorry for all of the mess I caused and I would understand it if you want to leave again, for good this time."

Taehyung isn't sure. He's still conflicted. Conflicted as fuck because this is what he wanted and at the same time, he couldn't forget about all the bad things that happened in the past. So many things are wrong with the relationship he has with his father and he knows that not everyone would be able to ever forgive their father if he would have done something like this. But at the same time, Taehyung feels happy because he's getting acknowledged. For the first time in his life.

It's hard, it's a hard decision and he can't look inside of his father's mind. He would never be able to be a hundred percent sure that the other is actually trying to change, that he really means his apology. But when Taehyung looks up at him and sees the man that he only ever knew as cold-hearted, crying his eyes out, vulnerable and weak right in front of him – Taehyung couldn't doubt his sincerity.

"Just know that I want you to stay and that I'm trying," His father begs and the desperation in his voice tears at Taehyung's heartstrings. "I'm really trying to better myself this time. For you and your mother."

For a long time, they're just staring at each other. The only sound coming from all three of them, all three of them crying their eyes out as if it was their last day on earth. Taehyung is not sure, he's still not sure which way he should go but he knows that he will be true to his word.

This time he would be true to what he said. And he said that he would be there for his father, would stand by him as long as the other would actually want him to.

"I'm not forgiving you yet," Taehyung sniffles but he holds his father's hand tighter, "But I think I could. At some point in the future, when you've proven that you're serious. I think I could forgive you then."

-o-

The time Yoongi spent at his friend's apartment significantly increased since he broke up with Taehyung – but even more, after he ran out of the conference room that time. It was fairly easy for him to fall back into old patterns, patterns he had deeply engraved in his bones before Taehyung stepped into his life. Before Taehyung became a significant part of his life and suddenly changed everything.

It is, however, still a little weird being away from him but Yoongi won't admit that to anyone. Not even to himself.

The sudden emptiness takes him back to those old patterns, reliable patterns and he starts questioning why he even gave up on them in the first place. If there's one thing Yoongi values the most it's consistency. Changes are never good. Changes mean new situations with unclear outcomes, they mean getting used to different people and different circumstances. Yoongi loves living by rules, loves controlling every part of his life because like this nothing could go wrong, right?

But then Taehyung walked into his life like a hurricane and threw all his carefully crafted rules out of the window. And Yoongi let him. He fucking let him. It has been so relieving to give his control up for a while but even in the beginning, he knew that this would come to an end one day. He would have never expected their relationship to last for this long.

It did though. It did and now Yoongi has to find his consistency again – because it isn't Taehyung anymore.

So, he finds himself more often than not at the apartment of his friends – Namjoon and Seokjin always having an open door and an empty couch for him to spare. Sometimes he's lying there, in the darkness and lets the guilt eat away at him. Of course, he's not stupid. He knows that he's making the life of his best friends harder because he's staying over so often but he couldn't help it.

When he's home – his own apartment doesn't even feel like his home anymore. Yoongi couldn't really describe what it was or could he? Yes... he could but he doesn't want to admit that it's Taehuyng he's missing there. Wherever he looks he could see the younger. He could see him with messy hair lying in his bed, eyes glued together from sleeping and voice rough, pout on his pinkish lips. He could hear him singing in the shower, soulful voice ringing through his tiled bathroom. Sometimes he walks into his kitchen and swears he could see Taehyung heating up milk for his hot chocolate. Other times he walks through the living room and expects him to lounge on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table even though Yoongi always told him to stop doing that.

Taehyung is in every room, hidden in every crevice and behind every corner of his apartment and it's driving him insane. He tried everything his therapist advised him to do. After years of procrastination, he bought a new couch, one without Taehyung's touch, without his smell but he could still see him, sitting right there on the new pillows. He rearranged his whole apartment, running against cupboards and chairs in the dark night because he's not used to their new places yet. But nothing.

He is still there. Right there inside of his apartment and Yoongi just couldn't stay there. He couldn't stand being in here for too long and especially the nights were hard on him.

Yoongi is not sure when he really slept the last time. Every time he closes his eyes he sees Taehyung, feels the pain shoot through his chest and at the same time guilt poisoning his stomach. Yoongi hates it.

But he couldn't do anything against it. Talk to him, the tiny voice in the back of his head says to him mockingly. It kind of reminds him of his therapist. But every time it speaks up, Yoongi quickly silences it again.

He couldn't – couldn't even think about the whole situation involving Taehyung. Every time he actively lets those thoughts happen he feels himself spiraling into some kind of panic attack. The feelings inside of him are conflicted. There is the part of himself that desperately wants to talk to Taehyung, the part that still tries to mend the million pieces of his broken heart. But the bigger part of himself is against this.

The bigger part of him is still angry, still disappointed and Yoongi couldn't let his thoughts linger on the younger. Deep down he knows that he needs to talk to him – even if it's just to finally move on from him but he just couldn't.

His friends know that, they refrained from speaking of the situation. But only for the first month or so. It's been three now. Three months in which he successfully avoided Taehyung at all costs. The majority of those three months did he spend exactly like this, staying at his friend's apartment.

They know about everything. Yoongi told them, one night they sat together after they calmed him down from a panic attack and he told them everything. Every single thing. Of course, they kind of know both versions of what happened, courtesy of their boyfriends being close to Taehyung. But every time they try to talk to him about it Yoongi shuts them out. Every time they tried to make him see things from Taehyung's perspective he stops listening – couldn't, couldn't listen.

It's the most awkward when Yoongi meets one of their boyfriends who often stay over as well. He knows that his friends have started hanging out with their respective boyfriends more outside of their apartment – it makes the guilt in his stomach grow. It's not like Jungkook, Hoseok or Jimin would hold a grudge against him for not talking to Taehyung.

No... it's Yoongi who's making everything awkward because he knows they talk to him. He knows they want him to reach out, want him to at least get closure but Yoongi couldn't. He couldn't.

But he should. He needs to.

"Jungkook told me Taehyung's father is talking with him again." Yoongi snaps his head up from where he has been focused on his phone for the past hour or so. All three of them have just been lounging in the living room, Yoongi stretched out on the couch while Namjoon has been sitting at the table behind him and Seokjin on the floor.

It's been the eldest who broke the silence and with his words a certain kind of tension suddenly engulfs them. Yoongi could feel his stomach tighten, lips pressing together as he glances at Seokjin from the corner of his eyes. "They're talking for real this time," The eldest finishes to say without glancing up at him.

Yoongi stares at him for a few seconds in silence. He knows that his friends are waiting for him to shut them out. They're waiting for anger, betrayal or sadness to break out of him but instead, Yoongi just draws in a deep breath.

"That's nice," He says, hoping the conversation would be over with this but the lack of a negative reaction seems to spur his friends on to push the topic.

It takes him a few seconds but the next person speaking up is Namjoon. His voice is low, words careful but Yoongi knows the intention behind them. He presses his fingernails into the sensitive skin of his inner thighs, biting down on the inside of his cheek until his mouth tastes metallic. "Jimin said that Taehyung has been painting again."

He knows it's to get a reaction out of him. And it definitely gets one.

Yoongi clenches his fists as he bites down a little too hard on his cheek. The taste of blood fills his mouth and he winces slightly.

"The pictures all look sad," Namjoon adds a little belated and Yoongi sucks in a sharp breath. He sits up on the couch, leveling his best friend with a glare.

"What are you trying to tell me?"

"Nothing."

"Look," Yoongi sighs, swinging his legs on the floor so that he could comfortably sit on the couch. "We both made massive mistakes in this relationship and maybe we just weren't meant to be." He doesn't mean that. He doesn't mean that. He doesn't mean that.

Yoongi shuts the tiny voice out of his mind, ignores it as good as he can.

Seokjin doesn't let him completely disregard these thoughts though. It's as if the elder could read his mind, could actually see what's going on inside of his head. "Or maybe you've both been cowards and grew as people in the relationship and the time after it. And now that you both got over your mistakes you refuse to talk it out. No matter what the outcome might be, even if you never want to see him again – you need to at least talk to him once. Or else you'll never be able to move on from him. We're not stupid, Yoongi. We can see how much you're suffering – you're not even going home! That's not healthy. You need to talk to him –"

Before the elder could say anything more Yoongi abruptly gets off the couch. He wants to leave, he needs to leave right now. "I don't think that there's anything to talk about," He quickly hisses, knowing that every word is anything but the truth.

Liar liar pants on fire. The voice in the back of his head sings, getting louder and louder with each passing second.

"Oh no," Seokjin interrupts his hurried departure by grabbing his hand, "Don't do that. Don't lie to yourself. We all know that Taehyung did something bad, very bad but you can't pretend like you don't need to talk to him."

"He lied to me so much," Yoongi exclaims, ripping his arm out of Seokjin's grip. The skin beneath his sleeve burns, right where the other touched him. "He hid an engagement!"

"A forced one," Namjoon pipes up.

"And you also lied to him –"

Yoongi sucks in a sharp breath, hands trembling at his side as he tries to stay calm. His breath comes out shorter, his heart pounding somewhere in his throat. "That's barely comparable," He grits from between his teeth.

It was a radical statement made by Seokjin. Radical, brutal and straight to the point. It caught Yoongi off guard and maybe that's exactly what he needs to finally talk about how he feels. Because deep down he knows that his friends are right, knows that he needs to at least get closure with Taehyung. That he wants to talk to him.

"Yeah, you had your reasons to lie but he also had his. I know that what he did was the wrong thing but he didn't want to hurt you, even if he did it in the end. No one is saying that he did the right thing but he didn't have bad intentions," Seokjin says clearly. He doesn't reach for Yoongi again but he doesn't have to either. Yoongi stays rooted to the spot, listening to the other's words. "You made mistakes and apologized. He made different mistakes – maybe some that are worse but he apologized as well. He did the right thing in the end, didn't he?"

"That isn't going to make me forget everything else," Yoongi says quietly, eyes cast to the floor while he tries to control his trembling hands. He twists the ring on his thumb, focusing on the sensation of it sliding over his skin. "That's not going to make me forgive him and run back to him."

Seokjin gently guides him back down on the couch, careful to touch him as little as possible. "No one is saying you should get back together with him," He gently reminds him, kneeling in front of him to look up at his face. "You don't have to forget what happened either – you don't even have to forgive him but you also don't have a chance to if you don't let him explain everything. And I mean everything."

"Seriously, none of us think that it would be the best decision to just get back to him only because he made the right choice in the end," Namjoon says as he settles down on the couch next to him. There's still enough space between them for Yoongi to not feel uncomfortable. "But you can talk to him. Maybe you could stay as friends? Or at least get closure."

"Guys," Yoongi's voice trembles slightly, "I'm serious. I don't – I mean, I can't just –" He cuts himself off again, his voice breaking at the end slightly. There are tears forming in the corners of his eyes, his vision blurring slightly but he refuses to let them fall.

Seokjin carefully reaches up to engulf his trembling fingers, Yoongi doesn't pull away. "Don't you think you should give him a chance to actually explain everything?"

"I did that already, didn't I?"

"Not after he changed his mind though," Namjoon reminds him carefully and Yoongi wants to deny his words but he couldn't. Deep down he knows what he has to do. Taehyung did his part already. Taehyung let him go, Taehyung cleared everything up and Taehyung didn't pressure him. The younger kept his distance, gave him all the space he needed and Yoongi really thought that would be enough. He really thought that he could just get over this relationship – just like that.

But honestly, those months they spent together where a huge part of his life – they still are. Letting them go just like that is impossible and even though he knew that, he still tried to do it all on his own. He still tried to just forget about everything, tried to ignore the heartache and tried to find solace in his old patterns. He doesn't want to admit it but Taehyung easily became a constant in his life and now, without him, Yoongi feels more lost than he ever did before.

Even if he just talks to him once, even if he's never going to see him again after this... he knows that he needs to talk to him or he'll repeat the same mistake again. The same mistake of not letting his emotions out, the same mistake of trying to control his whole life again, losing himself along the way. He knows how bad it is to keep everything inside but he refused to see that for the past three months.

His friends watched him be miserable, they watched him fall back into old patterns and repeating old mistakes. Yoongi understands that they must be desperate as well, that they would want him to move on from this part of his life. They just want what's best for him and Yoongi knows that. He knows but jumping over his shadow is still something that needs a lot of courage.

"I mean," Namjoon continues to speak, his melodic voice calming Yoongi's erratic heartbeat even if his words should get him even more worked up, "I get why you are angry, why you hated – or still hate him but like this you'll just continue to let this whole thing eat you from the inside. I know you're hurt, I know you don't understand why he did it, I know you're still heartbroken and you need to talk to him to move on. If that's what you want. Don't let another heartbreak make your life miserable. Talk to him – just listen to what he has to say. Nothing more."

"If you don't want to see him after that ever again," Seokjin squeezes his hands encouragingly, "No one would expect you to, no one would force you to, no one would pressure you. But you need to get closure or it's going to destroy you."

And that's how Yoongi finds himself in front of Taehyung's door a few days later.

The bus ride to the other's apartment felt familiar and foreign at the same time. Every step he takes awakens new memories inside of him and Yoongi has been a second away from backing out at least a hundred times. It's just overwhelming.

He really thought he would be able to deal with this better but just the bus ride proves him wrong. Sitting in the far back, head leaning against the window Yoongi could almost be lulled to sleep by the constant jostling of the bus. He's so tired. So fucking tired.

His eyelids weigh a ton as he tries to keep them open, his movements slow and sloppy. There's a constant ache behind his forehead and he swears he's going to pass out every second but he never does. His body just never welcomes sleep. He knows his insomnia gets worse when he's stressed.

The whole situation makes him stressed. And just a few months ago he had Taehyung to help him fall asleep, Taehyung to help him give up control – he had Taehyung to make sure that he's not going to destroy himself. He didn't want to admit how much he actually depended on the other male, didn't want to admit how much he needed him but right now, just standing in front of his door, Yoongi already feels how his body relaxes a bit. That's how much of an impact Taehyung still has on him, after all this time.

Just for a second though. But for that small moment, for that small moment of peace, he could pretend he's not here to have this conversation with Taehyung. For a fraction of a second, he could pretend that he's visiting his boyfriend just like he used to.

The bubble pops though when his eyes fall on the doormat.

It's new.

Yeah, it's such a small change but it feels like so much to Yoongi. For the first time in those three months, Yoongi considers that Taehyung might have already moved on from him, maybe already found someone new.

For the first time, he realizes that Taehyung's life didn't stop when he walked out of it. He realizes that the younger's world continued to spin, that his life continued to happen and it scares him. It scares him so much that he almost runs away again but he knows that everything is just going to get worse if he doesn't get this over with.

The situation feels so similar that it's almost foreign again. And for the first time since he's been at the younger's apartment, he feels out of place. Which is weird, weird and kind of sad.

Yoongi raises his fist to knock. He backs out a total of three times before he finally raps his knuckles against the wood. It stays silent though. His heart begins to beat faster and he starts getting restless. With a little more confidence he knocks a second time, louder.

Still, nothing happens.

The sudden courage that possessed him to come here slowly bleeds out of his body, replaced by a sudden wave of sadness. He sighs, knocking the last time before pressing his forehead against the door. It's cool against his skin, Yoongi squeezes his eyes shut and clenches his fists.

He should have texted Taehyung first. What even was the point of showing up out of the blue? Of course, Taehyung wouldn't be home or maybe he is and just doesn't want to see him. Yoongi raises his head, looking directly into the security camera above the door. He knows Taehyung could see whoever is standing in front of his door from inside. Maybe he's watching him right now, waiting for him to finally leave.

So, that's what Yoongi does. With a sad wave, he turns around, steps slow as he makes his way back to the elevator.

Just as he reaches out to press the button the door opens. And there he stands.

Taehyung looks as surprised to find Yoongi in his hallway as Yoongi is about actually having the courage to come here. They're standing right in front of each, Yoongi having to tilt his head up a little to look the other in the eyes. Not a word is uttered between them as they just stare at each other.

There's a small plastic bag that smells like food in Taehyung's left hand and only when the elevator doors threaten to close between them again they move.

"Yoongi..." It's just Taehyung's voice. Just a whisper of his name but Yoongi swears he never heard a sound more beautiful. His heart soars but at the same time, the old wounds that tried to heal over those three months threaten to tear right open again.

"Hey..." Yoongi awkwardly replies, not really sure what to say and the younger seems to have the same problem. Right here in the hallway time has stopped for them.

Taehyung looks – good. He doesn't look like he's been holed up in his apartment every chance he could get. Of course, Yoongi knows how the younger would look when he's actually happy and carefree but he looks better than three months ago.

There still are dark rings under his eyes but his expression doesn't seem that exhausted anymore. The permanent frown he had etched into his face is gone and the sparkle in his brown eyes back. God – Yoongi wishes his heart would stop beating so damn fast.

It's been three months and every feeling that he tried to suppress wants to break out of him now. It's almost too overwhelming and like always, Taehyung seems to sense that. Three months of distance, of space and Taehyung could still read him like an open book. Yoongi flinches when he starts walking towards his apartment, the plastic bag rustling from the movement.

"Do you want to come in?" Taehyung asks just as he fishes for his keys and for a second, Yoongi doesn't think he would be capable to answer. He's not even sure if he's breathing at this point but then Taehyung turns around and looks at him. His gaze is heavy, pleading and Yoongi nods before rushing to enter the apartment right behind him.

The inside doesn't seem to have changed much but Yoongi catches the subtle differences in seconds. The living room looks different, the small space in the right corner, where Taehyung used to let his art supplies catch dust has expanded. Now there are brushes spread over the whole room, a painting easel right in the middle of it.

Yoongi walks further inside of the apartment, noticing the lack of polaroids that included him and it hurts. It hurts right in his chest but he gets it. He understands it. Taehyung has been hurting as well. Of course, he has.

In the past few days, Yoongi had a lot of time to finally let himself think about Taehyung's situation. Since everything happened he never really tried to see things from the other's perspective and he knows that was wrong. But he couldn't help it back then, too caught up in the heat of the moment, too overwhelmed by his own emotions and the sudden forced changes in his life.

Taehyung is setting down the take out food he brought up on the small dinner table close to the kitchen while Yoongi continues just dumbly standing in the middle of the room. It hurts. It hurts knowing that he once felt like this was more than his second home and now standing here, feeling like he doesn't belong. It hurts and it's foreign. Yoongi hates it.

With a wave of his hand Taehyung beckons him to join him at the table. A few tentative steps later and Yoongi sits opposite of Taehyung. It doesn't look like the younger is going to start the conversation in any way. Quite the opposite actually. Yoongi follows the movement of the other's hand as he starts eating. The only sound surrounding them being the one of Taehyung chewing.

Yoongi stares at him for a few minutes, trying to come up with something to start this conversation. Anything at all. But his throat closes up every time he opens his mouth so he's left to just observe Taehyung.

Three months.

Three months and he's the one that asked for space, so he needs to be the one to begin their conversation. If he wants to get closure he needs to be the one to start, needs to be the one that shows Taehyung how much he could handle again.

"Taehyung –" He cuts himself off again, biting down on the inside of his cheek. A quick glance confirms that the younger perked up at the sound of his voice. There's a bit of sauce smeared around his lip as he continues slurping his noodles.

Yoongi takes in a deep breath, focusing before he meets the other's gaze dead on. "I – No. My friends thought we should – get closure or something. At least, talk – we should at least talk. I was too emotional back then, overwhelmed and I didn't really give you the chance to explain everything after you changed your mind but I... I am calmer now."

They're staring again. Just looking into each other's eyes and Yoongi begins to squirm under the other's gaze. In the end, he's the first one to avert his eyes again, teeth digging into his bottom lip as he twists his ring.

Embarrassment blooms on his cheeks as he forces himself to open his mouth and let the next few words out. "And I should apologize as well," He winces. Thinking about Taehyung's perspective Yoongi has realized that he might have said hurtful things as well without really thinking about it. Too caught up in his own emotions to recognize how insensitive he actually sounded.

"I mean, I still can't completely understand why you agreed to the request of your father but how could I if I can't even imagine myself in your situation? I want to listen to you. Completely and unbiased. I want to understand you – so that we could, I don't know... We should just talk, seriously," He awkwardly trails off in the end, squirming in his seat.

Taehyung still isn't saying anything but Yoongi isn't sure about the reason. Does he not want to talk to him? But he let him inside. Then what's the reason? Why is he so quiet?

Whatever it is – it unsettles Yoongi. He lets his eyes trail over the rest of the room and they catch on the painting supplies again. Desperate to have anything fill the sudden tense silence between them he starts talking, "I heard you're painting again." Taehyung nods at his words, finishing his food. "That's good. You used to love it so much."

"Yeah..." And it's one of the first words Taehyung said to him since he arrived here. Something in Yoongi's stomach twists and he swallows the oncoming wave of sadness again. The anger somehow got buried in the past three months. Buried under everything else. "I'm sorry again. Ultimately it is my fault that all of that happened between us."

Yoongi sucks in a sharp breath, fingernails digging into his thighs.

"Why?" He asks, "Why did you do it? Why did you accept his wish? Tell me the truth."

"Honestly, I could go and say you were right, that he manipulated and guilt-tripped me into the whole thing but at the core? I think I was just scared. I was a coward. Even worse," Taehyung sighs, looking up at him from between his lashes. "I was a stupid coward."

Yoongi nods, releasing his bottom lip from between his lips. At least, Taehyung realized that his father has been manipulating him but even before, right from the start Yoongi knew that it was more than this. It was more than just the manipulative talent of the younger's father that lead him to make this crucial decision.

It makes sense that the other has been scared. It makes sense because it's always easier manipulating and exploiting scared people. Of course, Taehyung's father has been aware of that.

"I think it was because I was scared of disappointing him, disappointing you and disappointing myself and in the end, I disappointed everyone anyway," Taehyung sighs, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. "It was – All my life, despite everything that he ever did to me, I always wanted him to just look at me... Look at me, just one single time, and say that he's proud of me."

Yoongi notices how Taehyung's hands have started to shake slightly, the urgency in his voice growing with every word he speaks. From where he's sitting he couldn't be a hundred percent sure but he thinks that he could actually see how the other's eyes have become glassy.

It's truly sad. Since Yoongi first got to know more about the relationship between Taehyung and his father he kind of figured that Taehyung would want to make his father proud.

"That's what he offered me." Yoongi figured. He figured it would be something like this. Taehyung's father always knew which buttons to push to make someone do what he wanted them to. Even Yoongi experienced that before. "And I was too scared and too selfish to say no. I was too stupid, too caught up in the whole concept of 'family' that I never really thought about how toxic our relationship was until you opened my eyes. And I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you sooner. This is something I don't think I can ever make up to you but I would like to try."

He catches his breath once his voice breaks off. Yoongi could feel his eyes on him, his gaze burning through his skin but looking up? Returning his gaze? Not a chance. His heart is beating erratically in his throat, fingers shaking and sweat building at his hairline.

And once again Yoongi's reminded of the time they spent apart. He looks up at Taehyung, still avoiding his eyes, but just looks at him. He spent the first week being nothing but angry. He was furious, lead by betrayal and disappointment. Every time something would remind him of the younger he would get blinded by the hatred he started to develop inside of him.

But his feelings changed. He still felt angry from time to time, but the more time passed the more he just felt overwhelmed by the sadness and loneliness. It's funny because he's never really been alone – always around his friend but he couldn't help but still feel alone. Sadness mixed together with stress after some time. Stress, pressure, the tension he's never letting go from his body – all of that kept him awake, kept him going despite the overwhelming sadness.

And he knows that just a few days ago his friends wanted him to talk to Taehyung. In that time he actually let himself listen to what he really wants – and he wants Taehyung. It's dumb and stupid but the lingering feelings that still stain his heart aren't gone yet. But there's still so much he needs to know, a few questions he desperately wants to have an answer to.

"And why did you suddenly break it off?" He asks quietly, pinching the skin at his wrist a few times to keep himself focused. As he peeks up at Taehyung he could see how the younger winces at his words, averting his eyes from him again.

It's one of the questions that kept his mind going in circles night after night for weeks on end. The question of why. So many why's when it comes to the end of their relationship. Why did Taehyung accept the marriage? Why didn't he tell him anything? Why didn't he fight for him? Why did he suddenly break it off after saying it was impossible to?

Why?

"When we talked you said – you said that it wasn't easy, that you wouldn't be able to get out of it, that you couldn't choose," Yoongi sucks in a sharp breath, wincing as he pinches particularly hard at his skin. That's definitely going to bruise. "And Hoseok said you hid it because you wanted to figure something out for us but you couldn't. What changed between our break-up and the meeting where it suddenly was easy to call the whole thing off?"

A dry chuckle leaves Taehyung's lips. It sounds weird without any kind of actual humor behind it. "Ah, so Hoseok did talk to you," Taehyung sighs. Something flashes over his face that Yoongi couldn't place.

"I really tried to work something out to make both of you happy – you and my father. But nothing worked. And I thought I was in it all alone and after we broke up... I was – It was Dawon."

Yoongi knows he has no right to be jealous. He also knows that Dawon is also nothing more than a victim of the arranged marriage but he couldn't help but let the short but sharp pang of jealousy spike through him.

He wishes his feelings for Taehyung would vanish already. He wishes his heart wouldn't yearn for the other anymore but right now, right here he realizes that this might be a trial that he hasn't even started yet.

"In the end, she was the one to knock some sense into me," Taehyung continues to speak and his voice changed slightly, a tone of fondness in the way he forms his words the second he started talking about Dawon. Yoongi could have imagined it though but he's not sure.

"I told her about us and she kind of scolded me for at least half an hour before she also asked me to choose. And I told her I would always take you over everything but that it was too late anyway." Yoongi feels himself freeze at the other's words. He doesn't know if Taehyung is aware of the impact of his words and how they're affecting Yoongi. It's the way he worded it that makes Yoongi's heart feel like it's being torn to pieces once again and mended at the same time.

Always. He would choose him always over everything. Yoongi shakes his head. He should have chosen him back then – should have realized that he should choose him sooner. But Yoongi is not going to keep going back to old words. Old actions – not when Taehyung has apologized, not when he made the right decision in the end.

He reminds himself of what his therapist said. Forgiving someone their mistakes doesn't invalidate the hurt they caused you before. Sometimes you don't forgive someone for them but you forgive them for you. Because forgiving lets you move on, forgiving gives you the opportunity to move on from the hurt they caused. Sometimes forgiving is the way to go and it should never be seen as being the weaker person.

Forgiving and moving on is one of the hardest things to do.

"So, she – uhm, she contacted her lawyers and let them take apart the contract until they would find something to nullify it and they did. She told me that she could see how much you mean to me and that I only have one more chance to prove that to you and if you're generous enough you would maybe forgive me someday. But yeah – In the end, it was her that saved my ass."

Yoongi shakes his head – here goes Taehyung once more, saying things that make his heart flutter even though Yoongi thought it would never be anything more than shreds again.

But he tries to not think about that right now. Yoongi couldn't focus on so many different things at once, especially not if they're affecting him emotionally. For now, he should only concentrate on getting his questions answered so he could decide whether he wants to completely move on from Taehyung or if he would like for him to stay in his life – as whatever fits.

"That's... I don't know – I should thank her, right?"

Taehyung laughs quietly, the sound so familiar that it makes Yoongi's chest ache. "I think I thanked her enough to last for a lifetime," He chuckles, "But seriously – I know that what I did was horrible and inexcusable and I get it. I get what you told me before, about being my secret. I'm sorry that I couldn't choose only you right from the get-go – because no matter what happened, you are worth it. And I also knew that back then, I was just too scared and selfish to admit that."

To say that his words don't make a few butterflies come back to life would be a lie. It's not only butterflies fluttering in his stomach, but it's also pain. Bittersweet pain.

But he nods, letting Taehyung's words ring through his head a few more times before he finally decides that yes, "I understand."

And he does. There's something inside of him that understands him, the part of him that isn't angry anymore. Seeing things from Taehyung's perspective, hearing him actually confirm his thoughts does make sense. And Yoongi knows that not everything has been Taehyung's fault – he couldn't even imagine what kind of pressure Taehyung must have felt. He didn't even consider the other's feelings before but maybe that was because he couldn't. He really couldn't.

"I was also unreasonable," He admits, thinking back to his own harsh words he threw at Taehyung back then, "I mean – I think I was in the right to be angry at you, to be frustrated with your decision because I couldn't understand it. But I also never tried to. I don't know how I would have dealt with the situation if I was in your place. I'm not sure if I would have stood my ground or if I would have been honest from the start but I – I just don't know."

He shakes his head. It's the truth. Since his friends, not so gently, convinced him that keeping everything inside is not going to help him in the long run, he had time to actually try and put himself in Taehyung's situation.

Ideally, he likes to imagine himself making the 'right' choice. The right choice here is to refuse the deal, to tell the other about the marriage. But how should Yoongi know what he would really do? If he was in Taehyung's position? He doesn't have the other's backstory, he doesn't know how Taehyung handles emotional pressure or manipulation. How is he supposed to know what he would have done in the other's place?

"And the thing I wanted to apologize for the most is how insensitive I was." Yoongi takes a deep breath. This is the part he really dreaded. He liked to believe that everything he did back then was justified, that every single one of his reaction was reasonable when they weren't. How could they if he was driven by emotion? Admitting that, however, is hard. Apologizing, sincerely apologizing for something is always hard, always complicated and always leaves you vulnerable.

"My reaction was based on my emotions that overwhelmed me and I couldn't think about what I said even those two weeks later," He whispers quietly, knowing that Taehyung is hanging on every word that leaves his mouth, "Even if I think I'm right, I should have taken your feelings into consideration as well. It was insensitive of me to talk like that about your father and his cancer. It is a big deal. I was just – I was just so frustrated because you couldn't see how your father used your kindness and his sickness to guilt-trip you into everything."

He bites the inside of his cheek again, the sensitive flesh already throbbing from the ministrations of his teeth. Tears prick at his eyes and he doesn't even know why. It's just an emotional moment but Yoongi fights against them, not wanting to cry once again because of all of this. He shed enough tears already. More than enough.

"I should have tried to understand where you're coming from better but that's in the past now. I just want you to know that I'm also sorry for what I said and that I hope you can forgive me for my words."

Despite his efforts a single tear trails down his cheek. Embarrassment blooms red on his skin and he hides his face as soon as he notices that Taehyung is moving towards him. It's frustrating. It's so frustrating and Yoongi doesn't get why he cries.

Maybe a part of him does because this is a different tear. It's different from the angry ones that burned his skin like fire. It's different from the ones stemming from sadness and grief, the ones that rolled down his cheeks with violent sobs shaking his body. And it's different from the ones triggered by heartache, the silent ones.

This tear is different because it feels like a tear of relief. They haven't really talked for a long time but Yoongi knows it, he feels it – he may not have forgiven Taehyung yet but he knows that he would. He would forgive him, in the future he would forgive him everything that he did. The only thing he knows right now is that now, that he's seen Taehyung again, he doesn't want to let him out of his life again.

He doesn't want him as a boyfriend. Not as a Dom either though.

As much as he still has those lingering feelings and needs inside of his body, just as much does he know that he couldn't have that type of relationship with the younger. Not right now and maybe never again. But as his friends said, that doesn't mean he has to give the other up as a friend or an acquaintance.

"May I?"

Yoongi snaps his head up, eyes meeting Taehyung's who's kneeling next to him on the floor. The other is looking at him with glassy eyes, a soft smile on his face as he holds his hands up, not touching him yet. For a few seconds, Yoongi doesn't understand what Taehyung wants but nods despite that.

Slowly, very slowly and carefully Taehyung reaches out. His thumb brushes over Yoongi's cheek, collecting the tear that rolled down gently. "I knew you didn't mean what you said," Taehyung says softly, hand lingering on Yoongi's cheek for a second too long, "I'm not going to lie and say it didn't hurt – because it did – but I knew you didn't mean it. I knew you were overwhelmed by your emotions, I knew it, Yoongi. And I was never mad at you for it. Yes, what you said was insensitive but I forgive you. Don't cry."

Yoongi sniffles a bit, more tears rolling down his cheeks which all get collected by Taehyung's thumbs. His bottom lip trembles violently. "Thank you," He chokes out.

They continue to sit like this until Yoongi has calmed down again. Taehyung kneeling on the floor and Yoongi on the chair, hurrying to wipe all traces of his tears from his face. With a deep breath, he leans back against the chair, organizing his thoughts before meeting Taehyung's eyes.

"I think that," He sniffles, "I think that we both made mistakes. Both of us made mistakes and in the end, it showed us that our relationship maybe just wasn't meant to be, you know?"

He doesn't know what to make of the expression that flashes over Taehyung's face. But he's too afraid to ask what it means so he just stays silent.

And it stays silent between them for what feels like an eternity, until Taehyung speaks again. His voice sounds a bit thinner than before, a bit more timid – reluctant.

"Do you regret it?" He asks – eyes wide, swimming with tears and Yoongi is fucked. He is so fucked. "Us? Do you regret that we happened?"

Breathe, he needs to continue to breathe.

"I... No," Is what he eventually says, hoping that Taehyung's tears wouldn't drop because he wouldn't know what to do in that case. "No, I don't regret this at all. Do you? If you could go back in time, would you still offer a relationship to me?"

"Yes." Yoongi looks down on him again, surprised by his fast answer. There wasn't a hint of hesitation in his words, nothing that would indicate even the smallest bit of doubt. "I would. I don't regret us but I regret how we ended – and the reason why we ended.

Yoongi nods slowly, "Yeah... Me too."

"And if I could go back in time I would be honest with you from the start," Taehyung says, standing up from the floor to stretch his back, "And I would be honest with my father, I would have refused the arranged marriage, I wouldn't have let him push me around and manipulate me how he did."

Maybe he would – maybe he wouldn't. Yoongi doesn't know, there is no definite way to know that. Maybe in a different universe, Taehyung would have stood up for himself. And in another, he would have told Yoongi about the marriage from the start but this is their universe. This is their universe and their story.

And in this universe, Taehyung made a decision that made them end up right here. In this universe, their relationship doesn't seem to have a future.

"I heard you're talking again," Yoongi says, interrupting his own thoughts.

For a second, Taehyung looks confused before he catches on that Yoongi is talking about his father. A small smile curls his lips – a smile that has never been there before when his father was the topic of any conversation. "Yeah."

"He seems happier," Yoongi adds, "Even though he's rarely there."

A hum vibrates in Taehyung's throat. "I don't know why but he still refuses to resign already. The company is still the thing he worked for all his life and letting go seems to be harder for him than we expected. Still, he's really sick and not getting better. My mother wants to convince him to resign already so that she can spend the last months with him completely. But instead, he even forces her to the company party next week."

Yoongi has never met the younger's mother before. But he's heard stories about her, knows about how she still wanted to support Taehyung even after he got thrown out by his father. He couldn't really paint a picture of her in his mind but he thinks of her as a person very similar to Taehyung.

"Well – Then I'm probably not supposed to say this... But – you know, it's not a company party," Yoongi admits a little sheepishly, a smile curling his lips. A smile – for the first time, Yoongi genuinely feels himself smile without forcing himself to.

"What?"

Yoongi sighs, hoping that Taehyung could keep this secret from his mother or his boss is going to have his head. "It's – Well, it is a party but he will announce his resignation there."

"I didn't know that!"

"That was kind of the point," Yoongi chuckles, scratching behind his right ear, "It's supposed to be a surprise, but a little more for your mother than for you so I thought I'd tell you. So that you could stop worrying. He's planning to take her to New Zealand – traveling with her like she always wanted to as long as he's still able to."

"Thank you." Yoongi's stomach swoops at the relieved expression on Taehyung's face. His lips forming the boxy shape Yoongi missed so much. And he couldn't believe what three months could do. He held onto his anger, his hatred and disappointment for the majority of these three months without noticing that time – yeah, time really does heal wounds.

Time and people actually making up for their mistakes. And Taehyung tried to do that. Yes, he made mistakes, god, he made so many mistakes but who doesn't? They're all human after all. Taehyung lied to him, he betrayed him, he left him but Yoongi couldn't – he couldn't stay angry at him after all of this.

Taehyung did all those things but Yoongi let himself understand the other's situation and the fact that the younger tried so hard in the end, makes his heart beat faster. He's not going to admit that he still has feelings for him hidden in the crevices of his broken heart. But he's also not denying the fact that he missed Taehyung like hell. Missed him even when he was supposed to hate him and move on from him.

"You know, you changed a lot," Taehyung suddenly says, the smile still on his lips and then it clicks in Yoongi's mind. "When I got to know you, you were such a closed-off person. You couldn't even speak about your own feelings, never let anyone in and tried to make everything on your own but you really changed. Now you're even taking care of me – making sure I don't have to worry about my father too much."

"You changed since I last saw you too."

"How?"

"Your smile looks genuine again," Yoongi whispers, his own lips twitching up in a smile of his own. It's one of the things that bothered him for the past weeks he had still been together with Taehyung. Finally, it makes sense – the one thing that always felt off about the younger towards the end. It was his smile.

His beautiful boxy smile that stopped looking real at some point in their relationship. Yoongi isn't sure if it was because of the pressure he received from his father, the arranged marriage that came closer and closer or if it was because of the stress that came with keeping this secret from Yoongi.

"When we were together, especially towards the end your smiles stopped looking real anymore." Yoongi chuckles lightly. "I only realized that now, I knew something was off about you but I could never pinpoint it. But now I know it was your smile."

Taehyung stares at him. Stares down at him from where he's still standing up in front of the chair Yoongi's sitting on. "I missed you," Taehyung eventually says, voice laced with emotion and it almost makes new tears appear in the corner of Yoongi's eyes.

Does the younger even know how he affects him with the words he's saying?

"I missed you too," Yoongi chokes out. He wants to look away from Taehyung's burning gaze, wants to get away from the fire in the other's eyes but he couldn't. It's like he wants to burn alive. "Actually, I didn't want to miss you but I did – do."

"I didn't want to make you uncomfortable so I never reached out, I wanted to give you space," Taehyung explains quickly.

This is it, Yoongi thinks. This and nothing more. He decided. He thinks he may have decided the moment Taehyung explained himself again but now he's sure.

"And I needed that, space, but I – I really missed you," He gets up from the chair, standing a little too close to Taehyung's chest because the younger doesn't budge. His fingers tremble slightly but he still offers Taehyung his hand. "What do you say? Friends?"

The younger smiles and Yoongi dies a little bit inside.

"Friends."