"What is someone as handsome as you doing alone here?"

"Aren't you supposed to converse?" Yoongi asks with a slight chuckle. He can't believe Taehyung just used such a lame pick up line on him. It's not like he minds though. It actually makes a little warmth bloom in his chest and just like that he feels the anxiousness of the whole party atmosphere fall off his shoulders. Just like that, only with his presence, Taehyung makes him feel safe.

"Why?" The younger shrugs, settling down next to him on a stool at the counter. "I have nothing to do with my father's business and I've done enough talking with Jung Hoseok and his sister by now."

"He has a sister?"

"Oh, yeah," Taehyung waves down the bartender to request a drink. It's unfair – the way everything about Taehyung fascinates Yoongi and draws him in. He couldn't take his eyes off the way Taehyung's long and slender finger curl around the glass. "Dawon. She is nice. Have you done all your talking with businessmen tonight?"

"I hope so," Yoongi says slowly. His hands are itching to touch, skin burning with the desire of having Taehyung's fingers all over it. He's yearning for Taehyung's attention – for every tiny bit of it. "I lost your father a little while ago and until my phone vibrates I plan on just ignoring everyone who wants to talk business with me."

"At least I can pretend that I don't know anything about this because I'm not working for my father but you obviously can talk business with everyone here," Taehyung muses with a slight smirk. That smirk is going to drive Yoongi crazy. It's not like he's crazy horny or something just because Taehyung is here and looks like a five-course meal. But since they had sex, since they went all the way Yoongi feels like something changed between them. He feels like – he can't put his finger on it. But he knows something has changed and he knows that it's going to change further and even if that might mean that he will eventually have to be completely honest with Taehyung – he couldn't help but want to grow closer to him right now.

There might be a few secrets that still stand between them – Yoongi could work around them for now. The main point is that he thinks that he doesn't only like Taehyung. At least in the near future, he is pretty sure that there might be more feelings inside of him than he would have thought there would be at the beginning.

He looks down at his hands. Taehyung's gaze on him is burning, hot like fire. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it's just because Yoongi thinks that something changed between them. But he's not sure if Taehyung feels the same way. That is a concern for another day.

"Did your father tell you why he canceled lunch a few days ago?" Yoongi changes the topic. Not only because he definitely doesn't want to talk about the company anymore but also because he's actually interested in the reason why Taehyung's father canceled. It's not the first time something like this happened and if someone knows the reason, it should be his son, right? "Because there was nothing else scheduled for him and I normally know these kinds of things."

"Oh – he just didn't feel that good," Taehyung says. "Maybe he just didn't want to see me." For a moment Yoongi swears he sees something close to sadness flashing over Taehyung's face, a hint of the true feelings he also keeps locked inside. A second later he laughs again.

"That was a joke," Taehyung chuckles but Yoongi isn't sure if the other is actually telling the truth or not. It's always hard reading Taehyung, even though Yoongi usually finds it easy to guess what people might be thinking or feeling at the moment. "My father and I may have had our differences in the past but we've gradually become closer again." But there's still the sad smile on Taehyung's lips that Yoongi just doesn't understand.

He hates it when he doesn't know what other people are thinking, especially if they're probably thinking something about him. Yoongi has always tried to read what other people think – maybe because empathy has been pretty hard for him. As a kid, he had a lot of troubles understanding the feelings of the other people around him but with a lot of practice and communication – especially because of the help of Namjoon – Yoongi learned how to read emotions.

"How good were you at sports?" Taehyung suddenly pipes up and yeah, they already had topic changes but this is really something unexpected.

"What?"

Taehyung leans a little closer to him, his breath almost fanning over his lips and Yoongi is tempted to just close the distance between them. If it weren't for the party full of people. If it weren't for the fact that this is by far one of the only places where they couldn't make it obvious that something is between them.

"How good can you throw something at a target?" He asks it like it's some very important secret when it's just very weird.

"You're not making a lot of sense right now," Yoongi laughs.

"Do you want to have some fun?"

"I – yes?" Is it bad that the second Taehyung is talking about 'fun' his mind jumps back to the last night they spent together? Limbs tangled, lips attached to each other and hands wandering all over each other's bodies. "What kind of fun?"

"Something great that I haven't done in so long," Taehyung says suggestively. It is very hard to not think about something perverse with the way Taehyung is smirking at him. "Come on and don't look suspicious."

Yoongi doesn't even question it. He just lets himself be dragged by Taehyung. They both duck and explode into giggles when they almost run into the younger's father. This feels like Yoongi is a teenager again, a real teenager this time. While he spent his teenage years struggling with mental health and maintaining a somewhat social life with the one or two friends who were really just people he talked to at school, everyone else was out and having fun.

He imagines it would have felt similar to this. Sneaking around, trying to not get caught while doing something they're not supposed to do. At the tender age of twenty-seven Yoongi feels like he finally experiences the rush of sneaking around with your teenage crush.

Taehyung is pulling him along into the kitchen. None of the people working there bat an eye at their presence. Yoongi isn't even sure they notice with how busy everyone here seems to be. Waiters, cooks and everyone else is running around here, bumping into each other, trying to shout louder than the person next to them while trying to do things as fast as possible.

"What are we doing here?" Yoongi laughs. Taehyung doesn't answer as he leads Yoongi to the last corner of the kitchen, right at the back where a lonely metal table stands. He pushes him to sit at one of the abandoned chairs before he vanishes between the staff.

The hectic atmosphere of the kitchen doesn't reach Yoongi like it usually would. Normally he's heavily influenced by the atmosphere of his surroundings but this time he feels a sudden wave of calmness enclosing him. A calmness that only comes with Taehyung's presence by his side.

He watches the way cooks dressed in white run around the kitchen so fast they almost stumble over their own feet, squeezing themselves past tailored waiters with overflowing plates. His own heart is still pounding fast against his ribcage, leg jumping up and down as he waits for Taehyung to resurface from the busy kitchen area.

A smile involuntarily breaks out on his face as Taehyung comes rushing towards him with his own bright smile on display. In his left hand, he balances a tray with a generous amount of glasses. He sets it down on the metal table and Yoongi gazes down at the tray. The glasses are wide, looking a little more like a bowl on a stick than those champagne flutes he's used to. Rose gold colored rims reflect the light and Yoongi could almost feel the bubbly liquid inside on his tongue.

Taehyung sits on the other side of the table, a grin on his face that screams mischief. "How good were you at beer pong?"

"What?" Yoongi laughs. This is not the answer he expected and not what he thought Taehyung meant with having 'fun'. His stomach hurts from laughing so hard, his lips feeling strained and there are tears building in his eyes. It's been long since he laughed this hard and long – now that he's started he feels like he wouldn't be able to stop.

The feeling is almost liberating and Yoongi doesn't actually want it to stop.

When his laughter finally subsides his sides are hurting as if he's been working out for long. He's sure his abdomen is going to ache tomorrow – from laughing, how pathetic could that be? It almost evokes another wave of laughter from him. Taehyung is still smiling fondly at him and it hits Yoongi once again how absolutely beautiful the other is. When he thinks back to the beginning, to the first time he met Taehyung and the way they used to bicker all the time he is finally mature enough to see that he might have been attracted to him all this time. It's Taehyung after all. How could he not fall for someone as perfect as him?

Taehyung shakes his head slightly before he holds up a pristine white ping pong ball. "Beer pong?"

"Why do you even have that with you?"

"I may have planned to do something similar because these events are always boring?"

"You are something else," Yoongi laughs but even though he seems reluctant at first he doesn't try to object Taehyung's suggestion.

Beer pong is something that Yoongi knows from parties. In his high school time, he heard a lot of people talking about all the fun party games they played whenever they would get trashed. He remembers being fourteen years old when he was at a barbecue with his family. Yoongi's aunt has three kids – all of them are older than him. When he was fourteen they were respectively twenty-four, twenty-one and nineteen. All of them are very outgoing, open and always available to break the rules a little and have fun.

Yoongi has always looked up to them, always wanted to be like them. His cousins are the best and they've always done everything to include Yoongi, even though he is very introverted and shy. None of them ever made fun of him, not even when they were younger and more immature. Yoongi remembers this particular barbecue right now because of Taehyung. Because his youngest cousin had played with him back then.

For a second, Yoongi could feel the searing heat of Daegu's midday sun on his exposed shoulders, feel the sweat making its way down his back, could hear the sizzling of meat being grilled, the talking of his relatives behind him and he could see the old ping pong table his cousins set up in the middle of the garden.

"Beer pong!" One of them had yelled and they all gathered around the table, pulling Yoongi with them. It was the first time he played something like this. The first and last time he played beer pong because after this his mental health has started to worsen drastically. Family events became so stressful to him that he would spend them in a shadowed corner, trying to keep to himself as much as possible while avoiding any kind of contact or conversation.

But for a second, for the tiny fraction of a second, fourteen-year-old Min Yoongi has been living the teenage life and played beer pong with his older cousins. He drank alcohol for the first time, just laughed when his mom scolded him and his cousins for giving it to him and he felt – happy. Even with fourteen, his mental health wasn't the best but during this one game – he forgot about everything else and just felt happy.

The same feeling has started to spread through him again. A warmth slowly running through his veins, filling his body and cleansing his mind of anxious thoughts. All he could see is Taehyung, his smile and the champagne glasses on the other side of the table. The ball between his fingers seemed to get lighter and lighter each time it was his turn to throw and reality doesn't really feel that real anymore.

Maybe it's the game making him feel this way but maybe it might also be the amount of champagne he already downed.

Whatever it is – for a moment time doesn't exist around him. The only real thing is Taehyung. Taehyung and Yoongi's feelings for him. He watches as the younger pumps his fist in the air with a tiny yell of victory as the ball lands perfectly in one of Yoongi's glasses. They make eye contact briefly and it feels like a flash just went through him.

Yoongi freezes momentarily. Even though Taehyung has long resumed what he's done before Yoongi couldn't move, couldn't even tear his gaze away from the younger. Not that he really wanted to. His heart beats faster than normal, sweat breaking out on his forehead and his stomach is doing somersaults. None of that felt as threatening as it usually does – when those symptoms come with a panic attack in the back.

No... this time these signs are not the forerunners of a panic attack. Yoongi gulps and even if he wanted to deny it, he couldn't.

He... loves Taehyung.

He loves Taehyung...

He loves Taehyung.

He loves Taehyung!

Looking back on the time they spent together the realization hits him relatively late. And oh, it hits hard. The second the word 'love' appeared in his mind Yoongi expected warning signals to pop up, he expected a siren to go off in his head and a loud voice yelling at him to not make the same mistake twice but... none of that happened.

Nothing.

There's nothing in his head. No thought. Nothing. It's empty except for – except for the certain knowledge that he is in fact in love with Kim Taehyung and scarily it doesn't feel scary at all.

There's just one thing. One tiny, seemingly minuscule thing that keeps trying to pop up. The slight heaviness in his chest is not completely overshadowed by the joy of realizing that he's in love with Taehyung. The slight pain is still there, relentlessly stabbing him to not let him forget about one thing. It hurts. It hurts because Yoongi is in love with him. It hurts because he's in love with Taehyung but still can't be completely honest with him.

But that's for his sober mind to worry about. Right now there's only one thing important and that is Taehyung.

Yoongi doesn't know what time it is when he leaves the party at Taehyung's side. By then both of them are not completely sober anymore, giggling to themselves and stumbling over their own feet as they make their way into Taehyung's apartment. The previous heaviness in his chest is now completely overshadowed by his drunken state. The champagne has made him feel light as if he's flying rather than walking but it doesn't cloud his judgment too much.

As soon as they're inside Taehyung's apartment Yoongi is pulling him down on the couch, straddling his lap as he leans down to attach their lips. Taehyung tastes expensive. Like expensive champagne and Yoongi could get addicted to the taste. His movements are a little sluggish as he buries his hands in Taehyung's hair, a gasp escaping his lips when the younger's hands wander over the expanse of his back down to his ass.

It doesn't take long for Yoongi to feel like kissing is not enough. His heart is hammering like crazy, breath coming in short pants and he presses his hips insistently against Taehyung's. He wants to play. He wanted to play since Taehyung suggested a little fun. And now he could. He wants to. With a little difficulty, he manages to squeeze one hand between their bodies and reach down to Taehyung's crotch.

He feels the younger tense under him before he pulls away from the kiss. "Are you sober enough for this?" His voice is already hoarse, dripping with desire and Yoongi is sure he would have said yes even if he wouldn't feel sober enough. It should scare him but he trusts Taehyung. He trusts him with all his life to not take advantage of him no matter in what state Yoongi is. So of course, right now he would have said yes even though he knows that it's not the right thing to do.

Thankfully, he is sober enough.

"Definitely," Yoongi gasps. With an afterthought, he quickly adds a "Sir."

The glint in Taehyung's eyes suddenly lights up before his whole demeanor changes. Eyes hooded, mouth pulled into a smirk and voice dripping velvet lust, "Get your collar."

-o-

His sexuality is something that never really concerned Taehyung – not even now. He doesn't like labels. No – that's wrong. He doesn't like to label his sexuality. He likes to stick various labels on other people, on things, on emotions. But for himself, well, he sees himself as someone with various labels just not for his sexuality.

That doesn't have labels.

Taehyung doesn't know how to give it one even though it's relatively easy for him to come up with different kinds of labels. Take Jimin for example, workaholic, gay, outgoing, extroverted, elegant, dancer, professional, tidy, small, cute, empathetic, sympathetic – there is so much more but those are a few options. Taehyung doesn't find it hard to see right through people and give them different kinds of labels – he doesn't think of them as a one-dimensional human being and that's the reason why he comes up with multiple labels.

But there is none for his sexuality and none for his love.

Love is another thing that Taehyung finds too difficult to break down. As a kid he heard all of the other kids talking about crushes, as a teenager he heard the guys talking about the hot girls, he heard the girls talking about their dream husband and Taehyung tried to imagine his perfect partner. Only to come up with something entirely different than all of the other people around him.

He heard them talking about height, about eye color, about hair color, about a kind smile, about muscles, bra sizes, body size – but for him, it was difficult imagining someone physically. There wasn't a picture of someone in his mind but there was a personality. Something close to a personality. He couldn't imagine a person's appearance but he always knew that he felt the most attracted to people who seemed like a mystery. People who might seem closed off at first glance, people that he needed to get to know to judge them correctly because they didn't share everything upfront. He liked mysteries and searching and always being on his toes because there's always a new thing to learn about the person.

Taehyung has been sure that he would eventually fall in love with a person like this. An enigma.

Looking at Yoongi, Taehyung sees an open book. Taehyung sees the opposite of every other person he ever felt attracted to. At first glance, some might think that Yoongi is the most closed off person ever but for Taehyung the other is an open book. Literally. He's not sure if Yoongi even knows how much he wears his heart on his sleeve or that maybe that Taehyung can easily see through him. Even at the times where Yoongi seems to hide something the most, Taehyung still sees it.

Yeah, maybe he doesn't see what exactly Yoongi is hiding but he sees that he is hiding something. Because after all, it is obvious that Yoongi isn't only hiding something but also wants to hide the fact that he is hiding something from him. That's it. Taehyung knows he's hiding something but doesn't know what it is and that's okay.

It's okay because Taehyung still loves him. He's still in love with him.

Even if Yoongi is the opposite of what Taehyung thought he would look for in a person. In the end, their roles kind of change. Yoongi is the one who seems like he's closed off but wears his heart on his sleeve. While Taehyung might seem like a very open person, like someone you know a lot about while he's really the one being closed off, the one that has to be peeled layer by layer.

"Are you even listening to me?"

Taehyung stops in his tracks in the middle of the sidewalk. Frankly, he did not listen to a single word that left Yoongi's mouth but he doesn't really care. Not when the elder looks up at him with big eyes and a trembling pout on his lips as he tries not to break into a smile.

His heart skips a beat and before he could even think about it Taehyung has already leaned down to connect his lips with Yoongi's in a brief kiss. It doesn't last longer than a second or so, the touch as light as a feather.

The effect though is immediate.

The second Taehyung leans back again Yoongi snaps his head down but not fast enough. Taehyung could still catch the bright red blush on his cheeks. His hands immediately fly to cover the blushing cheeks but the damage is already done. Taehyung has already seen it.

"Why'd you do that?" Yoongi mumbles under his breath, refusing to look up even as Taehyung tries to lift his chin carefully. And maybe it's because his heart is still trying to beat out of his chest or because his hands just won't stop shaking; Or because he doesn't think for once or just because Yoongi makes him feel like no one ever did before but whatever it is – at the moment that doesn't matter.

Taehyung speaks before his mind could catch up and doesn't only catch Yoongi but also himself off guard. "Be my boyfriend? Officially?"

The air around them is sizzling, heavy with tension as Taehyung waits for something – anything. The longer he waits for a reaction the more he feels himself starting to panic. Yoongi is still looking down, insistent on not glancing up at Taehyung and the younger doesn't know what to do. The euphoric feeling from before vanishes slowly, making room for panic and fear to settle in.

He thought that this is what they were working up to. He thought that the getting-together-part is the inevitable outcome of this relationship they have. He thought that they already passed the stage of a simple D/S relationship ages ago. But maybe he's been wrong all along... Even if it doesn't add up. Isn't that what Yoongi wanted right from the start? Something more than a relationship between a Dom and a Sub?

Taehyung is a panic filled second away from taking everything back when Yoongi suddenly raises his fist and punches him as hard as he could on the left shoulder. He recoils with a gasp and his confusion only grows when he catches sight of Yoongi's teary eyes and a wide smile.

"You couldn't have asked in a more unromantic way, right?" The elder complains loudly.

Yoongi's answer really takes a load off Taehyung's mind. Finally, he could draw in a breath and the feeling of euphoria comes back to him. Laughter tumbles from his lips as he leans down to hug Yoongi close, resting his head on the other's shoulder to whisper in his ear; Protecting his words from being heard by any of the other pedestrians. "Wanted me to ask you last night? When you were on your knees, begging me to –"

"Shut up, will you?" Yoongi squeals loudly as he pushes him away and clasps a hand over Taehyung's smirk. His cheeks darken once again and Taehyung wants to kiss him again – preferably forever.

It's almost to quiet to hear, almost a whisper in the wind when Yoongi asks him, "Do you mean it?"

Taehyung doesn't answer at first – for a moment he doesn't even know if he can. Words stuck in his throat. He steps closer to the other male again, circling his arms around him as he embraces him in a tight hug.

"You're heart is beating really fast," Yoongi whispers quietly against the sensitive skin of his neck.

"That's because of you," Taehyung breathes and tightens his hold. His hands are trembling, voice also breaking a little. He knows there might be nervous sweat building at his hairline and he feels a bit nauseous. "I love you."

A whimper leaves Yoongi's lips as he presses closer to Taehyung, squeezing him to the point that it's almost too painful. Taehyung chuckles a little, squeezing Yoongi back just as tight. "I wanna be your boyfriend," Yoongi whispers through his quiet giggles. "I wanna be your boyfriend so bad."

Taehyung could almost scream of joy. God, what would he do if they weren't in public right now? He leans back from the hug just to press another kiss on the elder's lips. Not a light one this time, a longer one. Long enough to have him lose his focus for a second, especially when Yoongi lets his mouth fall open at the slightest brush of his tongue.

"You don't know how happy I am at the moment," Taehyung says against his lips.

"Me too."

-o-

The harsh sound of his alarm wakes Yoongi from another dreamless night of sleep. It might be his day off but Yoongi gets up at the same time as he always does. After all, for him, consistency is the key to a life without difficulties.

He stares a bit at the blank ceiling above him before finding the strength to move. Somehow it feels like he forgot something. It's harder to get up from the bed than it was yesterday, his limbs somehow heavier, joints stiff and muscles aching. His head feels a little dizzy but Yoongi just writes it off as tiredness.

The night was heavy on him. Most minutes spent awake, not asleep. Tossing and turning and mind wandering where Yoongi doesn't want it to go. The moments where he could actually push his thoughts in one direction he imagined Taehyung. Imagined that Taehyung was right there, cuddled up behind him, arms around his middle, breath warm against the back of his neck and heartbeat somewhere around his shoulder blades. He imagined what Taehyung would have told him if he really was there but it didn't work. Taehyung just wasn't there and Yoongi was alone. The whole night he was alone.

Yoongi shakes his head, shivering a little as his naked feet hit the cold floor. Should he be worried that he became too emotionally dependent on Taehyung that he misses him every second the other is not here? Or is it just part of being a committed relationship? It's not that Yoongi doesn't like being alone. Quite the opposite, he prefers to be alone rather than in a group of people or outside of his own apartment. But being alone and feeling alone – lonely – is something different. Every time Yoongi notices his loneliness when he doesn't find anything to occupy his anxious mind with he misses Taehyung. He missed Taehyung because the younger takes all of his worries away, makes him feel loved like no one ever did before.

But Yoongi still likes being alone.

He sighs once again, trudging through his apartment to start the coffee machine that he already prepared yesterday evening like always. With a glance at his phone, Yoongi realizes something that he missed right after waking up – Namjoon. They're supposed to meet in the afternoon but the younger texted him saying that they should meet an hour later. (Jimin is taking me out for lunch and I need to get home fist – sorry!)

But it's not the thing that Yoongi has forgotten which is still bugging him. He doesn't know for sure that there's something about today that he forgot but he knows that there's a heavy feeling in his stomach. Looming there like an animal waiting for the right time to attack him. Yoongi just doesn't know why.

As he follows his schedule for today Yoongi still couldn't remember what keeps his mind busy. The sinking feeling in his stomach doesn't waver, doesn't get better – if all, it gets a little worse with every passing second and Yoongi just doesn't understand why.

By the time he makes his way to Namjoon's apartment anxiety already has its claws deeply inside of his flesh, tearing at the strings with ferocity. He pulls the sleeves of his hoodie a little further down his hands, covering his fingertips completely with it. He keeps his head low as he passes the other pedestrians around him, trying his best to not bump into anyone. It's a little hard to see like this, the facemask is pulled up all the way to the top of his nose while his cap his low enough to almost make it impossible to look past it. The only things he sees are his own feet walking step after step.

His heart is hammering in his chest, the music in his ears not loud enough to drown the noise of his own head and the life around him out. With fast steps, he finally hurries down the last street before he could enter the apartment building of his best friend. The door downstairs is unlocked and once it falls shut behind him Yoongi finally feels like he could breathe again.

The noise of the cars aren't as loud here anymore, not many people – he's the only one down here. It takes him a second to calm down again before he advances towards the staircase. Namjoon's apartment is on the third floor, there's no elevator and Yoongi hates it. He barely takes the stairs – there are always elevators. In his company building, in Taehyung's building, even in his own building. His thighs ache a bit and Yoongi snorts – since when has he become this unfit that a few stairs tire him out? Maybe it's due to the rough night of barely any sleep.

On the last part of the stairs he takes his earphones out and for a second he's confused. So confused that he falters in his steps and almost faceplants right then and there. Voices. He could hear voices coming from the floor he was just about to enter. Very familiar voices.

"Namjoon." Yoongi comes to a stop on the stairs. That was definitely Jimin's voice. Why is he still there? Didn't they only have lunch together? "Please tell me what's wrong."

"There's nothing wrong..." That was Namjoon.

"Don't play dumb – " Jimin again. "And don't act like I'm dumb either. I know there is something wrong and I'm sick of acting like there isn't."

Their voices aren't loud enough to be carried through the whole building. They're just talking to each other, calmly even but the topic of their conversation sounds like it's going to get heavy soon. Yoongi feels a little awkward listening to them but he feels frozen in his place, unable to move away.

The sinking feeling in his stomach gets worse – a spike that comes completely unexpected. Yoongi might have an idea about what Jimin could be mad. He watched this happen a few times during the time he spent with Namjoon in university.

It happens every time someone shows interest in Namjoon. They get along just fine – the first few weeks but the second it gets closer to the time where Namjoon really needs to tell them that he can't give them what's commonly expected in a relationship he starts pushing them away. Subconsciously at first and so unsuspicious that the other person takes a little time to notice what's really going on.

He pushes them away before they could break his heart because of the way he is. The thing about him that he doesn't have any influence on, that he can't and shouldn't change about him. But no matter how long Namjoon has lived with this now, how far he's come with accepting himself – the fear of rejection because of something that isn't under his control is still lingering inside of him.

Yoongi knows that Namjoon hasn't told Jimin about his asexuality. Yoongi also knows that Namjoon probably won't tell him – not when they've already gotten so far that Jimin has realized that Namjoon has started putting distance between them.

"Why are you doing this to us?" Jimin is talking again. His voice has gotten a little quieter and subconsciously Yoongi has started leaning forward, listening closely to their conversation. "I don't get it. We've been going out for weeks now and it has been going great, hasn't it? I mean – we laugh together, we hold hands, we kiss but... Why are you pushing me away now? Please don't act like there's nothing wrong or that I'm imagining things because I know I don't. I know what I'm seeing and I know what it feels like to be gently lead to a breakup. If this is it then please, just tell me. Just tell me."

Yoongi feels his own heart hurting from the way Jimin's voice cracked at the end. He's a second away from going out there because he's sick of seeing Namjoon hurting himself and people that could potentially love him one day. And he's sure that Jimin is able to love him, to fall in love with him because he already likes him so much. Not to forget about how much Namjoon already likes Jimin, almost loves him and both of them deserve it to be happy together. Yoongi wants to believe so bad that they'll be happy together, that Jimin will understand and that finally, finally someone would love Namjoon just the way he is.

"I am serious. There is nothing wrong, okay?" Namjoon says – Yoongi wants to hit him. He can't be serious right now. This is his chance – to come out and whether he likes it or not, Jimin deserves to know. Jimin deserves to know why he puts a distance between them, why Namjoon is so afraid to not have this distance. Jimin deserves to know because he's different from everyone else who ever showed some interest in Namjoon because Jimin is the first one confronting him, the first one wanting to fight against this sudden distance. Everyone else just gave up, went with the flow. But not Jimin. Jimin is different and Namjoon should give him a chance – at least that's what Yoongi thinks.

"I know you're lying," Jimin says and the hurt in his voice is devastating. "You've been hiding behind that dimpled smile I like so much all this time. Please – I get the feeling that every time I try to get closer to you, you just move farther away and I – If you don't like me that way then you should just tell me, please. Okay? I don't want to make you uncomfortable in any way but if you don't talk to me then I don't know what to do."

Unconsciously, Yoongi has moved forward a bit, peering around the corner to catch sight of the other two. They are standing in front of Namjoon's apartment, the door isn't even open yet. Seeing them only makes the situation even tenser. Now he could see the pleading expression on Jimin's face, could see the way Namjoon tries to avoid looking at the younger, turning away from his gaze.

The hesitation on his face is obvious and the moment between them looks so raw that it feels almost too invasive to watch them. The stare they share almost sets the air around them on fire. Yoongi couldn't help but watch, even if he tried he wouldn't be able to look away from them. No matter how intimate the moment seems to be. No matter how much he feels like this is only meant to be witnessed by their eyes, only meant to be heard by their ears – Yoongi couldn't move away from the scene.

Namjoon sighs, breaking eye contact with the smaller male. "It's nothing that you've done wrong. I'm just – afraid of getting close to you because I'm scared you'll leave again."

"I'm not going to leave so easily," Jimin giggles lightly. "I really like you. Really and if there's a chance for an 'us' then I want to take it."

It almost looks like pain when Namjoon grimaces, bottom lip trembling, fingernails digging harshly in the soft skin of his own hands. He's looking up again, away from Jimin's gaze and for a few painful seconds, Yoongi thinks that the other would just flee from the situation, run away and lose the only chance he might ever have with Jimin.

"I can't give you everything in a relationship."

Yoongi hates how hard it seems for Namjoon to even say this. He wishes he could help his friend, go out there and explain things to Jimin for him but that's not something he can do. This is Namjoon's story to tell and the only thing Yoongi could do was make sure that it's getting heard. He can't speak for him and he shouldn't.

"Namjoon, whatever it is – Please tell me, so I can decide for myself if you really can't give me everything I want in a relationship." Jimin sounds like he's going to cry soon. Voice thick, breaking a bit at the end. Yoongi could see how the smaller tries to catch Namjoon's gaze who is still adamant about looking anywhere but at Jimin. "You can't decide something like that for me."

The following silence feels deafening. Yoongi swears he could hear his own heart beating and just hopes that the other two wouldn't be able to tell that he's here. It seems like Jimin is waiting for a response – a response that he won't get.

He knows that expression. Yoongi knows this exact expression on Namjoon's face and it's not a good one. It's his I'm-too-overwhelmed-to-answer-now-and-what's-the-use-of-even-trying expression. By now, knowing the other for years now, Yoongi has seen it a lot of times and for a variety of different reasons but this time it's crucial. This time it could really ruin his life because Yoongi is not sure if Jimin would continue to try if all he does is talk to an unresponsive wall.

"Do you like me?" Jimin asks after what feels like an eternity of uncomfortable silence. "Could you imagine yourself dating me?"

Thankfully, these exact questions seem to be the ones breaking Namjoon out of his shell. And the fact that Jimin is able to do that proves even further how much Namjoon really likes Jimin, how much the smaller actually means to him and how much he doesn't want to lose him; Despite his insecurities.

"Of course, I like you," Namjoon exclaims a little too loudly, lowering his volume for his next words. "But I'm – My relationships have never been long – have never really been relationships."

Jimin keeps staring at him. Seemingly trying to encourage him to continue speaking. Another painfully silent seconds pass before the dam breaks. Quite literally. A gasp leaves Yoongi's lips as he just has to stand by and watch as Namjoon completely breaks down.

A loud sob tumbles over Namjoon's lips as tears spill down his cheeks. Yoongi watches feeling as helpless as Jimin – both of them not knowing how to react to the sudden explosion of emotions. His cries tear at Yoongi's heartstrings. Seeing Namjoon cry has got to be one of the worst things to witness for Yoongi.

"I'm asexual," Namjoon gasps between sobs and Yoongi, just as Jimin, freezes in his spot. This is the first time, the very first time that Namjoon is coming out to someone else. The first time he comes out to someone after he came out to Seokjin and Yoongi. It's the first time he says the reason for creating a distance in his own relationship and frankly, neither Yoongi or Jimin know how to react to this. (While Yoongi's reaction stays being unimportant to those two.)

"I don't feel any sexual attraction. Never. Never in my whole life –" Now that Namjoon has started talking, there doesn't seem a way for him to stop. Just like his tears keep dropping from his lashes, words keep spilling over his lips. "Like – so many people don't understand but I just can't change that fact about me. I'm just – for me sex is like mint chocolate. I hate it. Other people like it but I hate it and there's that. I know that it's not really – how do I say this? Beneficial for a relationship but this is just who I am."

Namjoon coughs a little, shaking his head slightly. Jimin doesn't try to interrupt him. He's just standing there, silent, listening to the other talking. The expression on his face is unreadable.

"I've tried having sex before, with someone who claimed to love me. A boyfriend who said I was just nervous. I didn't like it. I hated it and when I told him that I never wanted to do it again he left me. He called me a bunch of things I learned to forget about but – it stuck with me. Since then I haven't allowed myself to really like anyone anymore because, in the end, there's something I won't be able to give them. In the end, I'm never enough and get left behind..."

Just listening to him makes Yoongi's heart hurt all over again. Namjoon is only blocking the entrance to his forest because he's afraid people will destroy it again. Afraid that they will leave the paths and trample over things that shouldn't be trampled on. Afraid of having his heart broken all over again – just because he's a little different than other people.

"People always leave me if they find out I don't want to have sex so I just – push them away before it reaches the point that they want to sleep with me. Some people are very patient and I got to spend a lot of time with them before we have to part ways –" His voice trembles a little. "Other's aren't as patient and our time was short. But in the end, they always want the one thing from me that I can't give them. Blaming me for the fact that they go out and cheat because I can't give them what's necessary for a relationship. I'm not pushing you away because I don't like you or because I don't want to be with you – I'm pushing you away to protect myself."

This time the silence following Namjoon's heavy words doesn't feel uncomfortable. Jimin stays quiet for a long time. Instead of, reacting to his words right away he just reaches up to carefully wipe the tears from Namjoon's cheeks.

"You should have talked to me sooner," Jimin finally says. His voice is barely above a whisper – at least from Yoongi's perspective. It's a little hard to understand what he's saying.

"I'm sorry. For pushing so much," Jimin apologizes with a shaking voice. "I knew there was something and I still pushed you but I'm – I won't lie to you. I wouldn't have expected this and I've never met someone like you before... But that doesn't make me like you any less. I don't think that your asexuality is something that makes a relationship easier but at the same time it doesn't – please, believe me – it doesn't make it impossible. A healthy relationship doesn't need to have sex for it to work or for people to love each other. I'm so sorry that people have made you feel that way..."

He gulps. If Yoongi stares hard enough he could imagine seeing the cogs turn inside of Jimin's head as he tries to think of a way to explain his thoughts. "Sex isn't essential for a relationship to work – yes, it is a bonus and yes, it can make you feel a special kind of love but there are other ways to love each other. There are other ways to 'prove' how much you love someone else. Not having sex in a relationship doesn't invalidate the relationship nor the love the persons feel for each other... If you want to – it's completely your choice – I would really like to try this with you. We would have to talk about a lot of things – especially boundaries because I definitely don't want to do anything that would make you uncomfortable. But your asexuality isn't a reason for me to want to give you – us up."

Jimin pauses, taking a deep breath as he wipes his own eyes. "And please, don't let anyone tell you that asexuality makes it impossible for you to be in a serious, long-term committed relationship."

It's enough to make Namjoon start to cry once again. He sobs freely now, buried in Jimin's arms and it looks a bit funny. Such a tall guy like Namjoon basically throwing himself on someone so much smaller than him like Jimin.

Yoongi couldn't hear what they whisper to themselves now but that doesn't matter. With glistening eyes he turns around and quietly makes his way down the stairs again – though he doubts that those two would even notice someone passing by them right now. They're way too caught up in their own little world, in their own feelings.

As he makes his way downstairs he types a message on his phone, one tear dripping down his face to land on his screen.

Nomjoonie
Please talk things out with Jimin. We can see each other tomorrow, okay? I'm proud of you

-o-

Wandering through the streets that Yoongi doesn't feel too familiar with his mind just wouldn't forget about what happened between Namjoon and Jimin not only half an hour ago. It's such a huge step for his best friend that Yoongi strangely feels like a proud dad watching his son succeed.

And god – thankfully, Jimin has reacted positively to his coming out. Rationally, Yoongi has believed that even if Jimin would value sex more than he obviously does the other wouldn't have reacted in a bad way which would hurt Namjoon; But there's always the tiny seed of doubt in one's heart. The tiny seed that always threatens to grow into a huge tree, branches tearing through vital organs and destroying trust, love and in the end, oneself.

Because of Namjoon Yoongi has spent a lot of his time learning everything about asexuality and for someone like Jimin, who hasn't been directly confronted with asexuality he said so many things that must have felt comforting for Namjoon. And Yoongi could only support him in his words.

If you claim that sex is a necessity to have a healthy relationship then you immediately force a sexual expectation on everyone who enters a relationship – basically telling them that it's impossible to be in a loving relationship, a real relationship if they don't have sex. Which would equal in basically forcing people who aren't comfortable or don't desire sex to have it, just because they believe otherwise no one would love them.

And that is toxic. And untrue.

Yoongi comes to a stop in a park. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembers how Seokjin, Namjoon and he spent one summer day here but apart from that it doesn't feel familiar. He wanders until he reaches a park bench that stands a little isolated under a tree, partly hidden by the casted shadows.

A sigh leaves his lips as he settles down and looks at his phone for a reply from Namjoon. But thinking about it, he probably is focusing on other things than his phone at the moment. He still looks down at the screen and his eyes catch the date. Today's date and suddenly the heaviness from this morning makes sense. Not only that, it increases, drastically.

The numbers seem to swim in front of his eyes as he suppresses the urge to throw up. He forgot it – He forgot what date today is because of Taehyung, because of Namjoon, because of Seokjin, because of work, because he just didn't think much about it in the last weeks. Because for once – he felt truly happy with Taehyung by his side. He didn't even notice that this day was approaching and now, being suddenly hit in the face with it without preparation throws him completely off.

His hands tremble, nausea acting up but he couldn't take his eyes off the numbers. How could he forget? It's only the second anniversary. Last year he's been a mess – more than a mess but this year... This year he couldn't place the uneasiness, didn't know why he felt the anxiousness under his skin since the morning.

Why? Why did he forget about this? Why is he alone right now? Why didn't he go straight home? He can't break down in public – He can't let people see him like this.

A message pops up on his screen. Covering the date for now and the vice-like grip around his throat eases a bit as he reads the contact name, even more, when his eyes fly over the message itself.

Taehyung
Are you free?

With shaking hands he dials the younger's number.

"Hey Yoongi," Taehyung's voice instantly filters through the phone. "Is everything alright with you? Why are you calling and not texting?"

"Can you come and get me?" His voice is shaking. "I really need help. I really – " He cuts himself off, choking on his own words. His body has started trembling and he knows he really needs the younger now – needs him by his side to calm him down. "I really need you to – I need you to put me in my headspace."

He catches his breath.

"I need you to tie me up."

-o-

"Which one?"

Yoongi swallows thickly. He knows that his choice is obvious but he also knows that Taehyung will only use it if he points it out.

He's kneeling on the floor of the other's bedroom – very similar to the first time he's been over. The hard floor is uncomfortable against his kneecaps, his shoulders tense from having to bend them so far backward to cross his wrists over each other. Taehyung's gaze on him is burning but the only thing Yoongi could see are his naked feet standing in front of him. Between them, the younger has put down three typed of ropes – the same three from the beginning.

Yoongi swallows thickly gaze lingering on the purple rope. His hands twitch, eager to touch, to feel its texture but there's something else at the back of his mind. He knows he wants the purple rope but is it the one he needs?

When Taehyung came to pick him up he was just barely away from having a panic attack in the middle of the park but thankfully he has calmed down a little again. His heart is still racing, his body still trembling but he's not crying, throat not feeling too tight anymore but he knows that he needs a lot of pressure now. He needs rough rope digging deep into his skin, knots almost too tight for him and bruises forming on his body. It needs to hurt today. It needs to be the only thing he could focus on and he knows that the purple rope won't give him what he needs at the moment.

The pain, the pressure of it against his skin needs to be enough to completely drain him of any different thoughts and feelings. Every time he closes his eyes he sees the numbers of today's date burned right into his own skin and the memories come flooding back. They find cracks in the walls he built so carefully over the past two years and tear every sane thought in his head apart. He needs Taehyung to make it stop. He needs Taehyung to get him out of the cage that is his own mind.

"The cotton one, sir," Yoongi whispers instead of the purple one. His choice makes Taehyung halt for a second and it seems like he finally understands that this is not like the last times they did Shibari. This is different. As much as Yoongi would want to keep it a secret he can't act as if he doesn't need something different than every time before. And Taehyung could easily look through him.

His voice has become a little softer and he's crouching in front of Yoongi now, seeking his gaze. "What do you need?"

It takes Yoongi a moment to collect his thoughts, to collect himself enough to be able to form a coherent answer. "Pressure," He gasps, lips trembling as he feels himself slip. He's slipping so fast and not in a good way. He needs Taehyung to start now. "Pressure, sir."

"Are you going to stay with me this time or do you need the ball?"

"I'm not sure yet, sir," Yoongi admits. "Sorry." It's not like he could see the future and say, oh no, don't worry this time I definitely won't get nonverbal, there's no need for the ball. But he could have made a prediction – he also would have if his mind wouldn't be spinning so fast already. With the way, he's feeling, the increasing speed in which he loses himself in his headspace just because of Taehyung's dominating aura he could predict what would happen. All of this can be a sign that he might slip far enough to not be verbal anymore.

Taehyung shrugs and gets up again. "I'll just give it to you. Use it if you need and if not? Well, then you can just hold it," He says as he rummages through his closet. With a small smile, he presses the red ball into the palm of Yoongi's hand before his face slips back into a blank expression.

Yoongi stares at the ball before putting his arm behind his back again. He nods, before he could even catch up to what just happened there's pain exploding in his cheek. A whimper tumbles from his lips and the burning under his skin intensifies. "Yes sir," He quickly corrects himself, "I'm sorry." His cheek is prickling from the slap but the pain surges through his veins deliciously.

His head feels like it's slowly starting to fill with cotton, the background noises shrinking to something far, far away as he Yoongi lets himself fall deeper into his headspace. There are still the memories, they keep squeezing through the cracks in his walls and fill his head to the brim. It's hard trying to ignore them and it's even harder when he doesn't feel like having the capacity to do so at the moment. He tries so hard to concentrate on Taehyung, on his gaze, on the situation they're in but he couldn't let go of the memories completely.

Just when a particular one starts to manifest itself further than the rest Taehyung's voice cuts through it. Cuts through the phantom feeling of fingers at his neck, through the voice that sounds a little deeper than Taehyung's, dripping with lies and poison. Yoongi almost succumbed to it – to the memory. Almost let it take over his mind if it weren't for Taehyung redirecting his attention back to reality again.

"Get naked."

It's nothing more than a simple command but it almost tears Yoongi out of his headspace completely. His head snaps up, eyes widening and mouth falling open as he suddenly feels panic gripping him tightly. Tightly in his chest, squeezing to choke him. Taehyung never asked him to get naked for Shibari – it's not what Shibari is for. Nakedness always implied sexual components before but that is not – it's not what Yoongi wants. Not when he gets tied up. Taehyung has never made a mistake like that, never forgot something written in the contract before and it scares Yoongi a bit. Because he doesn't want it. He explicitly stated that anything sexual during Shibari is off limits – no excuses.

The panic not only on his face but visible on his whole body must have been pretty obvious because Taehyung is immediately calming him down again. He's crouching in front of him, fingers under his chin to tilt it up a bit, holding eye contact with Yoongi.

"Don't worry," Taehyung whispers, thumb caressing Yoongi's cheeks gently. "I know the contract. I know what your boundaries are with Shibari. I just want you to feel the rope directly on your skin everywhere. I won't do anything to you that you haven't consented to."

The breath of relief leaving his lips is more than a simple sigh and Yoongi immediately lets himself slump forward a little, leaning into Taehyung's touch as much as possible. The younger chuckles as he gets up again.

"Now get naked."

"Too tight anywhere?" Yoongi squeezes the ball once.

Taehyung sits back on his heels, eyes raking over the elder. Yoongi could feel the gaze burning over his skin and if it were possible he would squirm under all the attention. The rope around him cages him in completely, immobilizing his whole body. It's perfect. Every time he tries to move just a bit the rope and knots dig into his skin, rubbing over it harshly and he could feel how the burns and bruises are already starting to appear.

He's laying on his side this time, naked skin pressed to the cold floor. Taehyung has started with his hands again, tying his wrists together and then working up his arms, crossing the rope and artistically tying knots all the way until he reached his shoulders. The rope runs over both of them, down his back and to his front again. Every time Taehyung would run the rope from his front to his back he would slip it through the knots he previously tied around his arms. Like this Yoongi's arms were tied to his front, hands between his legs now because he couldn't bend his elbows.

Yoongi could feel the crisscross pattern of the cotton rope on his back every time he moves. His legs are bent at the knees, rope tying them to his wrists and putting him in a position where he's as small as possible. His feet tied to the rope running right under his ass cheeks. The rope sliding over his shins tying them to the backside of his thighs. The only thing he could freely move is his head.

"Are you sure it's not too tight anywhere?" Taehyung sounds concerned. One squeeze. Yoongi would understand him a little if he weren't so far gone already. The world around him is muted, his mind silent for once and only filled with the feeling of the rope on his skin.

The cotton digs harsher into his flesh with every move than the purple rope did before. The knots are tighter than they usually are and he could feel his fingers and toes prickling. The blood flow is partly cut off there and at the moment it's a heavenly feeling. He feels like he could fall asleep like this, pressure all over his body and mind finally silent. But he knows that he won't be able to stay tied up for long this time, knows that Taehyung will have to take the rope off sooner than usual because of the blood flow, because it's tied so much tighter this time.

"I'm gonna put you on the bed this time," Taehyung whispers, making Yoongi zone back into reality. He blinks a few times to get rid of the blurriness in front of his eyes before he cranes his neck to look at the younger.

Taehyung is looking at him with a blank expression but his eyes say more than Yoongi could ever comprehend. The brown color reminds him of coffee and he could almost taste it on his tongue as he stares at them. Not really looking at the younger but more looking through him. It's hard focusing on something when his whole mind has been reduced to mush. All of his senses overloaded with the feeling of being tied up and the calmness it brings him.

He doesn't even react when Taehyung bends down and picks him up like it's not a big deal. To be honest, he probably wouldn't have noticed it if Taehyung was struggling. He doesn't notice much at the moment.

As soon as he's being put down on the bed he sinks in the mattress. He's still laying on his side and Taehyung's mattress is so soft, so soft that it feels like his whole body is surrounded by it. The added pressure of the mattress and the ropes make his head spin and Yoongi doesn't even realize that he's started sighing. His mouth hangs open, saliva dampening the pillow underneath his cheek.

"Stop holding on." Taehyung's voice cuts through the atmosphere like a sword. Harsh and unforgiving. "Let go completely – I'm here. I'll stay here, nothing is going to happen to you," Taehyung promises, hand trailing over Yoongi's cheek gently.

And Yoongi takes his advice.

As he closes his eyes he lets go of everything, stops caring about headspace, about dangers of slipping too deep because he knows Taehyung will be there to catch him. Taehyung won't leave him, Taehyung will help him, guide him and will take him back when he's been gone for long enough.

His eyes slip shut and just like that his conscious seems to do the same. Yoongi feels like he's flying, a bodyless being just existing in a safe space. The only thing reminding him that he's still real is the pressure of the rope against his skin – but apart from that Yoongi senses nothing.

The nothingness has never felt so welcome before.