There was a time in Taehyung's life where he wished that he could just get away from his father. A time during his childhood where he actually kind of had that already.

Taehyung grew up in a very protected household. His mother worked in a small flower shop in the middle of Seoul. Every time she would come home she would smell of the different kinds of flowers at her shop and Taehyung always found solace in those familiar smells. His father, on the other hand, his father has been barely home. Work always had a higher priority for him than anything else and until today Taehyung couldn't understand how his mother fell in love with such a self-centered person like his father.

It's not like he hated his father as a child. When he was young he would always excitedly await the arrival of his father every evening. Would wait way past his bedtime, spying out of his bedroom window even though he should have been asleep to catch a glance of his father pulling up in the driveway. Every time he would catch a glimpse of his father, his suit sitting perfectly like always, his hair without a stray in the wrong place but dark circles under his eyes he would be able to go to sleep peacefully – knowing that his hardworking father was home.

But he didn't understand the neglect as a kid. Didn't understand how hard his father made her life for his wife. He didn't understand how exhausting it was for his mother to fill both parental roles even though his father was still living with them. He didn't understand how she managed to work, take care of him and the house on her own. Even on weekends, his father would barely interact with him. Saturdays were spent by him in the small room that he called his office and the office was off limits for Taehyung. Has always been, will always be. Until today Taehyung has only ever looked inside of the office once – because of a coincidence.

When Taehyung reached his teenage years he finally understood the feeling of being left alone and what started as sadness, loneliness manifested quickly into rebellious anger directed at his father. He understood that his father didn't have to choose this life but that he did, that he purposely chose to neglect his family for the sake of his business. And even as his business started to boom and he could spend more time with them – he didn't.

Taehyung thought that the second his father got successful that he would finally turn to his family a bit, spend some time with them and actually would get to know him – his son. But he thought wrong. His father got his business going when Taehyung was around thirteen and when he turned sixteen their wealth had suddenly skyrocket – just like Taehyung's dislike towards his father. He realized that what he idolized in his father as a kid – his hardworking and dedication to giving them a better life – were things that actually made him one of the worst parent and husband.

His father was an outstanding businessman but he wasn't a good father. He didn't know how to be.

His teenage years were spend with Jimin and various rebellious acts. It was around that time that Taehyung started being open about the fact that he didn't only have interests in the opposite gender. It was also around that time that Taehyung dared going against what his father demanded of him. The only person he ever pitied back then was his mother because she tried so hard – she always tried so hard to reconcile things between them but Taehyung couldn't forgive his father that easily.

Hormone imbalance, teenage rebellion and his unwillingness to respect authority especially when it came from his father lead to a lot of irrational things. Those being his tendency to dye his hair every possible color of the rainbow at once, changing his fashion style completely to the most outrageous things he could find and talking back at his father every chance he got – even when there wasn't actually anything he could talk back to, he just began being plain rude all the time.

It was easy losing himself in those things until it wasn't anymore. It was also during his teenage years that he discovered his passion regarding arts. Painting and drawing have become a kind of therapeutic thing for him. He could forget about the tense situation with his father, his expectations placed upon him and the sad eyes of his mother whenever he would fight with his father.

Art was easy. It was a form of expression for him whenever he would not know how to actually express his thoughts out loud. It was hard for him to learn how to really communicate with people, how to express his thoughts and feelings properly. It took a long time because in his life there has only ever been his mother encouraging these expressions while his father always shut him down.

Art was something his father didn't agree with.

Art was something he didn't support.

Art was not something he wanted Taehyung to do.

As a kid, Taehyung remembers that the only time his father would really smile at him was when he talked about how proud he would be of him if he would one day take over after him in the business world. As a kid, Taehyung liked that idea, liked the idea of his idolized father as a role model. But being a teenager and understanding what actually went down all those years he hated the idea of being associated with his father. Especially doing something similar to him.

Taehyung didn't understand what his father expected of him. He felt the pressure of following in his steps every second of the day but no matter what he did – even when he would still try when he was younger. Nothing was ever good enough for his father. Nothing he did ever satisfied him. Nothing that Taehyung did was something that would make him proud.

A disappointment. That's what Taehyung has always been to his father. Nothing more than a disappointment and with each passing year he knew that all he wanted to be was someone completely different than his father. He wanted to be more like himself even when he didn't even know who he really was and be less like the person his father wanted him to be.

It was when he applied for university when everything actually and truly went to shit.

He knew what his father wanted him to do – what he still wanted him to do even after all the shit Taehyung has been pulling for years now. He remembers a lot of yelling when he came home with a pierced ear for the first time. It only encouraged him to get almost every part of his ear pierced. It hurt but seeing the reaction of his father was worth every tear he cried when Jimin stuck the hot needle through his ear. Today he knows how dangerous that was, how lucky he's been that he didn't seriously get hurt or got an infection but back then he didn't care about things like that.

He also remembers the way his father threw the first plate on the ground when Taehyung showed up with colored hair and outrageous clothes but nothing beat that one moment after his graduation. There's also that one time where his father almost hit him. Got his hand raised and all, anger on his face but he didn't do it. Taehyung would lie if he said that he didn't cry himself to sleep after acting all tough in front of his father, scared of what could have happened if his father wouldn't have stopped himself.

But nothing was as bad as that one moment. That moment when Taehyung's acceptance letter came in the mail and his father got it before him.

Art.

That's what Taehyung wanted to do. Not business but art. That night his father had screamed at him, yelled and threw things. It was the night Taehyung got kicked out. It was the night Taehyung couldn't decide between all the different and conflicting feelings swirling in his chest as he stood on Jimin's front porch with nothing but two bags with him and the clothes he wore.

During the next few years, Taehyung grew as a person. He finally learned everything about himself and worked hard to make a name for himself. A name that wouldn't be associated with his father. A name that could stand for itself and when he finally did it – when he finally reached everything he ever wanted his father came back into his life.

And Taehyung has always been someone who forgave too easily, who had a heart too big that it would even let people back in who shouldn't be let back. He was conflicted at first but hearing about the situation, about the reason as to why his father wanted to be back in his life he couldn't help himself. They're family after all, right? He's still his father, right? He should still love him because he's his father after all, right?

But there was a catch – there's always some kind of catch when it comes to his father.

He learned a lot in the years he spent away from his father – learned about who he really is, who he wants to be and what he wants to do, how he wants to be. But the second his father came back the small voice in his head began screaming again. He is your father, he is still your father no matter what he might have done wrong - he's still your father. Still your family. And family sticks together. It sticks together during the good and during the bad times – and this just happens to be a bad time.

Yeah, he's still his family and Taehyung knows that he should never give his family up because a family is something that supports each other no matter what.

He knows that and still, still he feels at least a little uneasy about letting his father back and accepting the ridiculous request that came with him. But he couldn't help it.

Family is family, right? The most important thing, more important than anything else.

Taehyung sighs and leans against the wall, glancing at Yoongi's desk from behind the potted plant that he's currently hiding behind. The guilt is eating him alive – has been eating him alive since the day Yoongi showed interest in pursuing a relationship with him. It's bad. It's really bad. It steals his sleep at night, his motivation at day and it is so hard to keep to himself. He knows he should be honest but the more his relationship progresses with Yoongi the harder it becomes for him to actually think of an opportunity to break things to the elder.

Love. In love. That's what he is. He is so fucking in love with Yoongi that the fear of losing him easily outweighs the guilt ripping his insides apart. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much he blames himself and cries at night – every time he would look at Yoongi he forgot about it, couldn't bear the thought of being the reason that Yoongi wouldn't be smiling.

God, he is pathetic. Such a pathetic fucking person.

Yoongi is answering a call at his desk, lips falling into a natural pout as he talks to whoever is on the other line. It's such a small and endearing thing to notice about him. And it only makes him fall in love with the other harder. He just wants to tell him, wants to yell it from the top of his lungs but he's so scared, scared to his bones. Actually terrified and Taehyung is also weak. Weak and pathetic.

Always preaching to Yoongi about the importance of communication, trust, and honesty while keeping this very important secret.

"You have to tell him."

Ah. Taehyung almost forgot that he's not actually standing here alone staring at Yoongi like a creep from his semi-hidden hiding spot. It's as if Hoseok has been reading his thoughts because the elder is saying exactly the same thing Taehyung has been battling in the past weeks, months even. It's kind of scary thinking like that but after all, this is not only something that would only affect Taehyung's relationship with Yoongi. He is not the only one affected by the secret he keeps. Hoseok has every right to be worried, to be mad at him. Because of Taehyung's silence, he's also forced to keep something as important as this from Yoongi.

"I don't want to lose him," Taehyung mumbles. He avoids looking in Hoseok's direction, doesn't want to see the expression on his face, the disappointment in his eyes. It's true that he hasn't known the other for a long time but they're still connected in more ways than one and Taehyung respects him. He just wishes he could be someone Hoseok could respect too. But that's too much wishful thinking for one day.

Especially regarding their rather difficult and compromised situation.

"You think he will want to stay with you? After lying to him for so long?" Hoseok snorts and Taehyung could only imagine the expression on his face. It hurts just as much, piercing through his chest like a knife because he knows how right the other is. Yoongi would never want to stay with him after all of this.

"I'll lose him either way." Taehyung drops his gaze from Yoongi, couldn't stand looking at his face as he thinks about what would happen between them in the future. "I just want to keep him as long as possible."

"That's fucking selfish and low – even for you," Hoseok accuses him, voice laced with anger.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"This isn't only about you," Hoseok hisses and he's slowly getting louder. It could draw attention to them and Taehyung starts to worry that someone might overhear what they're talking about. "Okay? The world doesn't only revolve around you. This is also affecting Yoongi and my –"

"Cut it out, will you?" Taehyung interrupts him before he could really draw any attention to them. "I know I'm an asshole... You won't tell him, right?"

A huff escapes Hoseok's lips as he crosses his arms in front of his chest, one eyebrow raising as he looks at Taehyung in something close to disgust. "I won't be the one breaking his heart –" He shakes his head in disappointment. "That's your job. I won't make it easier for you."

"You know I love him," Taehyung whispers.

"I know. That's why you're such an asshole."

He could feel the burning behind his eyelids, feeling his throat close up as he presses his nails in the palm of his hand. "I'm sorry..."

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to. Just – think about how much you'll regret this later," Hoseok says with a much softer voice. A hand comes down on Taehyung's shoulder and even though it's meant to be somewhat comforting – it feels as if the mere touch is burning a mark onto his skin.

A mark that screams liar every time Yoongi would look at him. A mark that would brand him as the asshole he really is.

I know I'm making a mistake. I know I shouldn't do this. I know I should talk to him because him finding out later is the worst thing that could happen.

"It's better like this," Taehyung says instead of actually admitting what he thinks – what he knows is right. His heart hurts talking like this out loud but it is better. It is better because it's easier. Easier for now and every time Taehyung thinks about telling Yoongi he just knows that he would throw up the second he would open his mouth.

"You know it isn't –" Hoseok squeezes his shoulder before letting go. "I know you're a good guy inside but what you're doing right now is not okay –"

"I can't deal with this right now," Taehyung interrupts him and pushes himself off the wall. He is set on ignoring Hoseok and his own conscience but the elder male stops him.

"You'll have to sooner or later."

Taehyung just walks away, swallows the guilt, the pain, the sadness, the frustration and the feeling of being completely helpless in this situation. When he rounds the plant he plasters a smile on his face and when he spots Yoongi it even becomes a little more real.

This is something he will deal with. Just not now. Not when he has no idea how to approach the matter. Not when he could imagine how Yoongi would react right now.

And that is not the reaction he wants. He will figure something out and everything would be fine. Everything would work out just fine.

"Hyungie," Taehyung calls out before even reaching the other's desk.

"Tae," Yoongi smiles up at him, slipping from his usual blank work face. But as quickly as he started smiling he is schooling his expression back to a professional one. "Picking up your father?" He asks with a glance at his computer where he probably checked the schedule.

Taehyung nods in confirmation before leaning over the desk, glancing from side to side to make sure that no one is listening in on their conversation. He rests his elbows on the wood and drops his voice to a conspiring whisper. "We're still on the for the weekend, right?"

No matter how much Yoongi tries to hide it, Taehyung could still catch the slight blush creeping up his neck. He feels his own heart beating faster at the sight of the flustered other. Oh, he loves him. He loves him so much.

"If I don't have too much work," Yoongi eventually shrugs but Taehyung knows the other is just as excited as him.

If he figures something out before the weekend he could talk to him about everything privately – Taehyung quickly shakes his head. He will know it's the right moment when it arrives.

For now, he just hopes they could spend some quality time together. After all, he found that movie Yoongi has been dying to see. And he bought this really pretty blindfold that would make Yoongi seem even prettier than he already is.

"I'll tell my dad that he shouldn't give you so much that you always have to work overtime," Taehyung jokes. It doesn't seem like Yoongi gets it though. At least judging from the frantic and scandalized expression on his face.

"Don't do that!"

Taehyung chuckles, waving him off before he stands up straight again. "I'm joking. Don't worry."

Yoongi just rolls his eyes but the endearment is obvious on his face.

"Sir?" The elder speaks into the intercom on his desk. "Your son is here."

"Send him inside."

"Yes, sir."

"Don't forget to call me sir," Taehyung jokingly whispers when he walks past the desk and towards the heavy door leading into his father's office. The scandalized gasp of Yoongi is like music in his ears.

"A little bit respect! Kim Taehyung! Respect!"

Taehyung quietly laughs to himself but the sound dies on his tongue the second he enters the office.

It's always weird being inside of here. No matter if the sun is blasting with all its might it always seems dark in here. The door closes behind him with a soft sound but it seems to be already too loud for the quiet room.

His steps echo in the spacious room as he walks towards the desk on the other side. His father hasn't looked up from the files in front of him. Not even one tiny acknowledgment that he noticed Taehyungs presence in the room.

But he is used to this.

Taehyung stops in front of the desk, mouth clamped shut and eyes directed at the floor. Waiting. He waits for his father to finish whatever he's doing so that the elder male could finally give him permission to sit down.

Sometimes Taehyung stands here for ten minutes and sometimes his father immediately ushers him to sit. Today it takes a minute or two before the gray-haired male sighs and sets his pen down.

"Taehyung. Sit down." His voice is as cold as always but he smiles a bit as he gestures towards one of the chairs. "Have you looked over the papers I sent you?"

He's always cutting straight to the point. Not beating around the bush – that's not his nature. Sometimes it's good but sometimes Taehyung would love a little soft approach instead of being hit in the face with the uncut facts. Sometimes that would be nice. But with someone like his father something like this would not happen.

Taehyung takes a deep breath, staring down at the glinting nameplate on his father's desk. "What did the doctor say?" His voice is quiet, so unlike himself. Self-conscious. Small. Afraid of the reaction of his father. Taehyung knows that this is by far not the topic his father wants to touch at the moment but the thing Taehyung is actually here for is also not the topic he wants to talk about.

The short and tense silence is enough to chill Taehyung to the bone. "We're not talking about this now." The voice of his father sounds strained.

Taehyung gulps. He pinches the skin at his wrist a few times, trying to ease his own nerves as he nods slightly. "Okay..." He says barely above a whisper.

And in his mind, there's this small voice yelling at him.

Weak fucking coward.

-o-

"Everything okay?"

The ringing in Yoongi's ears has finally reduced to a faint sound and he slowly starts to feel his limbs again. Taehyung's voice still sounds a little far away but that's normal. That always happens when Yoongi finally comes back from subspace.

He moves slightly, first wiggling his toes then his fingers and finally moves his head. His muscles ache already but the warm feeling in his stomach is still there, the feeling of being sated, satisfied still fresh in his mind. The silk sheets underneath him feel a little sticky and the more he comes back to reality the more he starts to notice the drying sweat all over his body. It's gross. The sensation is gross but Yoongi still feels a bit too exhausted to do something about it. He flinches when a warm towel hits his skin unexpectedly. His eyes fly open but he still can't see. For a moment there's panic flaring up in his chest but then he remembers.

The blindfold.

They've tested one of his soft limits today and Yoongi is still wearing the dark purple satin blindfold. His fingers tremble as he reaches up to take it off but Taehyung beats him to it.

"Wait," The younger catches his hands and gently places them down on the bed again. "I'll do it. Just relax."

When the cloth has been finally taken off Yoongi carefully opens his eyes. The room looks exactly like it did before, dimmed lights, closed curtains and Taehyung kneeling next to him on the mattress with a gentle smile on his face. His eyes take a few seconds to actually accommodate to the sudden light again. It takes a while for everything to take a clear form and for him to not have to squint to keep his eyes open.

Yoongi looks at Taehyung who seems to be waiting for something. But for what? Wait. He did ask him a question before. Yoongi slowly sits up, wincing at the slight throbbing pain in his lower back – nothing he's not used to already.

"And?" Taehyung asks again, holding the blindfold carefully between his long fingers. "Are you okay? Or was that okay?"

"It was good," Yoongi says in all honesty. He knows that he's been more than wary at the beginning. It's – being blind and having to rely on his other senses besides seeing is something that always scared Yoongi a lot. He likes being in control. A bit too much which is why he needs Taehyung to take it away from him but it's an obsession he can't fight off all the time and definitely not alone. Seeing what happens around him, observing the person in front of him to figure out what they're gonna do next is something that Yoongi usually needs to have to keep his anxiety in check.

He hates telephone calls because he's not able to see the other person's face and gauge their reaction. It's something annoying because no matter what, Yoongi always expects the worst of all reactions in any situation so he needs to see the other person to be able to protect himself from their reaction at any time.

Yoongi just hates not being able to see. It scares him. It scares him a lot, especially when he's already not in a good state of mind. But he's been feeling better. A lot better whenever he's around Taehyung. Last week – when he broke down in the park because of... the Day he has started feeling better and better. It's strange but he's with Taehyung now. Taehyung would never do anything to hurt him. He trusts him. He trusts Taehyung so much that he takes wall after wall down for him.

There's just one thing.

One tiny thing that he still can't tell the other. That he couldn't tell anyone. That he never actually told anyone. Namjoon and Seokjin don't count because he also didn't tell them, they saw it, witnessed it and figured it out on their own. But Taehyung – no matter how much he trusts him, Yoongi doesn't know if he'll ever be brave enough to open up to him like this.

He still trusts Taehyung, still loves him and just thinking about the fact that the other loves and trusts him just as much makes him feel all giddy inside.

"Thank you," He mumbles shyly, glancing up at Taehyung from under his lashes. "Thank you for being so patient with me and taking care of me so well. I was a bit scared at the beginning but I trust you. And you made me feel really good."

Taehyung smiles and ruffles his hair. "I'm glad."

When the younger reaches out again to wipe the wet cloth over the mess of drying cum on Yoongi's stomach the elder finches away. A groan tumbles from his lips because of the sudden movement which caused the throbbing in his lower back to flare up again. He's already getting sore which is not the most pleasant feeling in the world.

"How about a bath? To relax your muscles again?"

Yoongi really loves Taehyung's bathtub. It easily fits two people which is very convenient for them but even though it does fit two, they still almost sit on top of each other. The water around them is dangerously close to spilling over the rim of the tub with every move of them. It's hot, not as hot as it has been when they stepped inside but still hot enough to fill the room with slight steam.

The throbbing in his lower back is the last thing Yoongi is thinking about now. Taehyung and his tongue are at the front of his mind. Even though they just had sex before Yoongi could still feel himself getting needy again and judging from the hardness pressing into his thigh Taehyung is enjoying this just as much.

What has started as gentle pecks to his forehead, to his cheeks and finally to his lips has culminated to this.

Yoongi has his legs spread over Taehyung's crotch, pressing the other into the back of the tub with his weight. Their hips are grinding against each other, none of them caring about the water that is now definitely spilling over the rim. Taehyung is slipping even further down the back of the tub, his shoulders now barely out of the water while Yoongi is sitting right on top of him.

They still don't take a break. Their lips attached while both of them are in need of air but the need to be close to each other is stronger. Yoongi pants against the other's lips, letting his mouth fall open to welcome Taehyung's tongue inside. It's hot, it's wet and feels so dirty and Yoongi loves it. He presses even closer to Taehyung, feeling the water rise around them because of his movements but he doesn't care.

Hands are scrambling to touch every inch of each other's bodies and it feels like this is the first time they're touching each other, exploring each other's bodies. Taehyung's right hand is buried in Yoongi's wet strands, tugging and pulling while occasionally slipping down to angle his head in the position he wants it to be. His other hand is roaming Yoongi's body, slipping over his wet skin from his shoulders to his ass, over his legs and up to his chest, back to his arms, squeezing his hand and then pulling him closer.

"You're so perfect," Taehyung whispers hotly against his lips before kissing him again. Yoongi's lips are already tingling and the younger moves so fast that he almost couldn't keep up with the kiss. Eventually, he gives up and just completely melts against the other, holding onto his shoulders for support as he lets him do everything he wants to him, taking everything with want.

He feels himself slipping already. The haziness taking over his mind, the way his body tingles everywhere and he finds himself easily submitting to everything Taehyung does to him. It's so easy, to get lost in his headspace whenever he's around Taehyung and every time it happens Yoongi gets proven again and again how much he could trust the other.

Their lips disconnect when Taehyung moves to sit up in the tub again. Water sliding down his chest and over Yoongi's back as the younger sits straight up against the back of the tub. The movement has made Yoongi slide down the other's body, the water rising around him to reach just slightly above his shoulders, he rests his cheek against the other's stomach as he stares up at him.

Taehyung returns his gaze with just as much love and it makes Yoongi's chest bloom with warmth. He already feels like he's floating out of his own body, the warmth from the water and the humidity in the air paired with the usual dissociating he is confronted with in his headspace makes him slightly lightheaded. Yoongi feels more and more dependent on Taehyung's actions. After learning to trust Taehyung with almost everything, slipping became so easy for him, giving the younger male the control over him became an easy thing and never once has it proven to be a bad thing.

But there's always a first time for everything, right?

Yoongi just never thought that this would actually be the case one day.

"Want to try something?" Taehyung asks with a gentle voice. It pierces through the fog that seems to fill his head like a light of clarity. The words are gentle but there's the dominant undertone that almost makes Yoongi whimper. His hands involuntarily close around Taehyung's hips where they have been resting before.

It takes a little while longer than usual for Yoongi to not only focus on the sound of the other's voice but also actually understand the meaning of his words. He's a little less focused, a little slower when it comes to understanding Taehyung's intentions, a little too compliant to Taehyung's moves and suggestions.

By far, that is nothing new. He's always been like that when he's in his headspace with the younger but the longer they've been together, the deeper he's falling into his headspace every time because he lets himself. He lets himself because he trusts Taehyung so much. Trusts him to take care of him properly and not take advantage of him in this state. He would never believe that Taehyung would be able to actually do something to him that he knows he shouldn't, that he knows that Yoongi doesn't want to have done to him.

Yoongi is not the only one trusting the other more and more as their relationship progresses. With the time they spend together it has also become one of the easiest things for the elder to use his safeword if needed. Taehyung has no reason not to trust him to use his safeword if he needs to use it.

Both of them trust each other. But both of them are also keeping things from each other and that is a major thing that could impact their relationship. None of them knows that though.

Taehyung is looking at him with hooded eyes and Yoongi couldn't avert his gaze. Couldn't look away even if he wanted to, completely captivated by the dark color of the other's eyes. He doesn't even register it at first when Taehyung's lips are moving. The words just kind of swim in the air at the moment.

"Take a deep breath," Taehyung whispers and before Yoongi could even register what was happening he had drawn in a breath, just like Taehyung instructed him to. One second he's holding his breath, staring up at Taehyung and the next there's a hand at the back of his head, pushing. Pushing gently, meeting no resistance as he gets pushed underwater.

Logically, Yoongi knows what the other wanted – it should be hot. Blowing someone underwater. It's not only kind of hot but also another sign of ultimate trust between them. And they trust each other. They do, right?

Yoongi knows that there is no way that Taehyung would have wanted to harm him, he doesn't even keep his head underwater with force, his hand is just kind of laying there, on top of his head. Yoongi knows that there's actually no real danger but the second his head is underwater he panics.

It's terrifying. The feeling of not being able to breathe. The fingers in his hair that don't even hold on, don't even push him down feel like they're made of lead. It doesn't matter – It doesn't matter that he usually trusts Taehyung, it doesn't matter that he's not actually held underwater, it doesn't matter that he knows he can get up any time he wants to because this feels too real. Too real and the fear in his body makes him blind and deaf to any logical reasoning, to any logical thought and especially to the fact that this is Taehyung in the tub.

The second his head is underwater he feels the panic gripping him in a chokehold. His mind just blanks as the terror fills his body to the brim, controls every one of his movements. The ringing in his ears is almost deafening but he could still hear the panicked yell tearing itself from his lips, letting the water rush into his mouth and it only fuels the fear.

He's fearing for his life.

His hands reach out in panic, trying to find something, anything to hold onto. They're met with skin and his nails dug harshly into it, ripping through it as Yoongi emerges from the water with a gasp. He couldn't concentrate on the pained noises falling from Taehyung's lips as Yoongi scrambles to get out of the water as fast as possible. He couldn't concentrate on anything but the feeling of panic and the need to peel his own skin off his body.

As soon as his head is above the water he starts stumbling over his words, stumbles over his sobs, gasps.

"Red," Yoongi yells, eyes tightly closed while trying to get out of the tub, "Red – red – red!"

He faintly registers Taehyung's voice yelling after him but it's all white noise. He could feel the hands trying to hold him back but it only sets him off even more. On his way over the rim of the tub, he stumbles. Of course, he does but he doesn't even really register it. Doesn't really feel the pain of his knees hitting the hard tiles underneath him. There's just one thing on his mind.

Out. Out and away. He needs to get away before he dies.

As he tries to get up and run away he slips on the wet tiles. His wrist twists in an awkward angle as he tries to soften the fall. The pain shooting up his whole arm makes him cry out but doesn't manage to pull him from his panicked state. On his hands and knees, he crawls over the floor, crawls until he reaches the corner on the other side of the bathroom. The coldness of the tiles seeps into his skin. He's curling up in the corner, knees pulled to his chest, hands clasped over his ears as he sobs loudly.

The voice is there. It's ringing through the whole room.

Worthless. Just die. No one else would want you. Be glad I keep you around. No one would ever want to touch you. No one would ever love you. No one. Just me.

His whole body is trembling, the feeling of hands all over his body not fading and he keeps on whispering, trying to get the voice to shut up. "Red, red, red, please, red, please stop, no more, no more, please – red –" His voice breaks at the end but he doesn't stop, continues pleading for mercy.

Yoongi is shivering bad, the coldness around him gets worse with each passing second but he couldn't help it, couldn't move. The hands on his body don't stop touching him, they're gripping tight everywhere, pulling at his skin, digging deep into his muscles and ripping him apart from the outside. The feeling makes him want to scream and that's exactly what he does. He screams until his own voice breaks off. Until his throat feels raw and the sounds he could make were only pathetic sobs.

"Yoongi..."

He squeezes his eyes shut, kicking his legs as he feels Taehyung's presence coming closer. Just the feeling of someone close to him makes him almost lose his mind.

"Don't touch me, please stop touching me!" Yoongi yells. His voice is loud, frantic, panicked as he runs his own hands over his own body over and over again. Sharp fingernails drawing angry red lines over his own skin to get rid of the foreign hands all over him. The hands that just wouldn't stop touching him, wouldn't stop gripping him in a bruising hold and tearing his skin apart.

Oh god – Taehyung needs to stop touching him right now or Yoongi is going to lose his mind.

"I'm not touching you," Taehyung says loudly but he must be lying. Has to be lying because Yoongi could definitely feel the hands roaming his body, could feel them touching him everywhere, digging into old scars. "Yoongi, I am not touching you. No one is touching you."

Finally, Yoongi finally lifts his head. He blinks the tears away as he looks around. Taehyung is right. There is no one. No one is touching him and Taehyung sits a few feet away from him. It's just the two of them but Yoongi could still feel them. Feel them all over his body.

His breath hitches and tears blur his vision again. "I – can't," Yoongi sobs, almost choking on his own voice as he buries his face in his hands again. Pressing his fists against his eyes until he sees sparks of color exploding in the blackness. Before another scream that threatened to spill over his lips could get its chance there's a weight on him.

He freezes, tensing before he notices that it is not the presence of another human being. It's not heavy, doesn't cage him in and it's not someone's touch. When he opens his eyes again he recognizes the fabric of a towel hanging from his shoulders. Taehyung is settling in front of him again, on the other side of the room though. Yoongi couldn't even feel thankful for the space the other is giving him as he draws the towel tighter around him, hiding his whole body under it as he just continues to cry. His body doesn't stop trembling.

The darkness and the light pressure of the towel actually helps him to keep at least the last bit of his sanity. His mind wouldn't stop jumping back to that day, couldn't stop opening doors to memories he tries so hard to forget, tries so hard to bury behind those carefully crafted walls he keeps up around himself.

-o-

It feels like he's been sitting there for hours. Curled up against the wall, under the towel but his tears finally stop flowing. His sobs don't rip through his body anymore and his limbs have stopped trembling so much. Now the pain starts.

Everything hurts. The second the tension starts to leave his muscles Yoongi starts feeling how much they actually hurt. He feels lightheaded as his breathing finally slows down again and his body receives enough oxygen after he stopped hyperventilating. The pain in his left wrist is agonizing, a throbbing that couldn't be this bad if this was just a minor injury.

There's shuffling in the next room. Taehyung must have left the bathroom at one point without Yoongi noticing it. He could hear his steps, they're coming closer and stop right in front of him. It sounds like Taehyung is squatting down in front of him and as he speaks his voice sounds near. "Please put on clothes," Taehyung gently whispers, "You're cold."

Yoongi doesn't react. He even holds his breath, wishing for Taehyung to just ignore him, to just leave him here alone to deal with his feelings. But he knows the other wouldn't leave him. Would never do something like this. Would never abandon him when Yoongi so obviously needs someone by his side.

"I don't know how to help you." Taehyung's voice breaks at the end and it sends a piercing jab of pain right through Yoongi's heart. It's the first time he hears the other's voice like this – so broken. Helpless and desperate. It sounds like he's crying as well and the guilt starts to gnaw at the elder. "Yoongi – please, I need you to tell me how to help you."

He doesn't trust his voice just yet but he moves. Slowly, still afraid he moves the towel to peek at Taehyung. There are tears running down his cheeks, dripping from his chin. The smile he tries so desperately to keep up wobbles at the edges, his lips tremble and it seems like the simple blow of the wind could take him apart, break him down to dust.

Yoongi lets the towel slip from his shoulders and raises his arms slightly. It seems to be enough for Taehyung to understand and start moving still extremely careful as he dresses the elder in the shirt he brought with him. Yoongi lets the younger put him in underwear and then slumps back against the cold wall.

His lids are heavy, limbs aching and the exhaustion fills his whole body. He feels absolutely drained. When he speaks his voice doesn't sound like his own. It's rough, cracks even though he's only saying a simple word.

"Sleep."

Yoongi lets himself be helped. His head hurts, the throbbing behind his temples almost unbearable. The red lines he has drawn on his own skin with his fingernails sting even though none of them were deep enough to draw blood. Taehyung is practically dragging him to the bedroom, Yoongi barely walks on his own on their way to the other's bed.

The sheets under him feel fresh. Taehyung must have changed them during his break down. The silk is cool against his skin, slipping over it like water and he's thankful that they're not made of normal cotton which could have irritated the scratches over his whole body.

"Do you wanna sleep alone?"

Yoongi grimaces slightly at the younger's question, guilt gnawing at his insides. It's not like he doesn't want the other to be here but he doesn't think it would be the best idea to share the bed with someone when he still feels like jumping out of his skin from the slightest touch. Helping him get here was one thing but thinking about Taehyung sleeping next to him, clinging to him like he always does, his extreme body heat – Yoongi shivers.

"I'm not going to be mad," Taehyung says with a smile. A genuine one.

Still, the word doesn't leave Yoongi's lips easily. "Alone..."

Taehyung nods. "Good night Yoongi," He takes a deep breath, "I love you."

Tears immediately spring to Yoongi's eyes again as he hears those three words. They hit so much different after all of what happened this evening and he couldn't describe how much it actually means to him. The first tear falls as panic grips him once again when Taehyung turns around to leave the room.

"Don't leave me alone, please," Yoongi begs quickly, sitting up in the bed to reach for the younger. The sentence has been out before he could even think about it. He still doesn't want the younger to sleep with him in the bed but just the thought of being completely left alone now is unbearable. He sobs again, tears running down his cheeks even though he thought he wouldn't have any left.

Taehyung has instantly turned around again, hurrying back to the bed as he kneels in front of it. His hands twitch, Yoongi knows the other wants to touch him, comfort him and the fact that he's holding himself back for Yoongi's sake makes the elder only cry harder. How did he even deserve someone like Taehyung?

"Hey, okay," Taehyung tries to shush him, tries to calm him down again, "Okay, I'm going to stay. I won't leave you alone. I'll stay right here the whole night. Please stop crying now – everything will be okay. I'm here. I'm not gonna leave. I'm here."

The words help Yoongi calm down and he finally lays down under the covers. Through the darkness, he could see Taehyung kneeling in front of the bed, his arms on the mattress as he watches him. Yoongi bites his lip, closing his eyes as he tentatively reaches out to hold Taehyung's hand in his.

It's like someone glued his lashes together when Yoongi tries to open his eyes to the darkness of the room. He feels like shit.

His mind is a mess and for a moment he doesn't even understand where he is right now. It's still dark around him and as he moves his head slightly, even though it hurts, he could see the time on the small digital clock on the nightstand. This also reassures him that he's in Taehyung's room. He knows this clock, the nightstand, the bed, the closet on the other side of the room. He knows this.

But it doesn't really help him further with figuring out what happened. Taehyung isn't in bed with him and he doesn't understand why. As he tries to move again he realizes that there's a tight grip around his right hand. Why is Taehyung sleeping on the floor?

The younger is leaning against the side of the bed, head and left arm laying on top of the mattress while holding onto Yoongi's hand slightly. There are quiet snores falling from his partly opened lips. Yoongi doesn't get it. As he tries to move a little he supports his weight on his left hand because he doesn't want to let go of Taehyung. The pain shooting up his arm makes a gasp fall from his lips. Tears spring to his eyes as he falls back on the bed.

His left wrist is slightly swollen, bruises that don't come from ropes littered around it. And suddenly everything comes back. The bath. The water. Taehyung's hand in his hair pressing him under the surface. The panic. Everything.

Yoongi involuntarily tightens his hand around Taehyung's as he lets the tears that build from the pain actually drip down his cheeks. But not because the throbbing pain in his wrist isn't fading. It's because he knows that this could change everything between him and Taehyung.

He bites down on the pillow to muffle the sobs that he couldn't suppress, letting it soak up the tears that just wouldn't stop coming.

He wishes he could turn back time so that he wouldn't have gotten in the tub with Taehyung. So that Taehyung would have never found out more about him than what he was supposed to know.