Yoongi found out about Taehyung's ability to sing on sheer coincidence - really! He didn't mean to spy on the other, he just walked by the bathroom as the younger was showering and happened to hear him sing. It wasn't clear through the closed door and over the sound of running water but Yoongi got still goosebumps on his body. He liked listening to Taehyung's normal voice, the deep rumble making his chest vibrate but his singing was something else. He wasn't perfect but he sounded so beautiful, the way he let the words glide over his tongue felt like he sang right into your soul. Yoongi heard his love for music instantly and as someone who made music in his spare time too, he of course made Taehyung sing to him now. It felt like a crime letting a breathtaking voice like his go to waste.

And Yoongi wanted more. Wanted Taehyung to not only sing for him but sing something that he had created. He knew he wouldn't finish writing a song for Taehyung until Christmas but he knew that the younger had his brithday on the 30th of december, so he would make it his birthday present - and maybe a present for himself too. Hearing Taehyung's voice just made him fall in love with the younger even harder. It hurt but it was a sweet pain, an addicting one and Yoongi couldn't stop seeing the other, couldn't stop craving the bittersweet pain that was slowly consuming him.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Yoongi asked with a tilt of his head, squinting his eyes.

"I was trying to figure out if you would talk today or not. Guess you will." His therapist answered and sat back in his stool, focusing on his notepad again.

"No shit." Yoongi grumbled, ignorig the tiny scowl on his therapist's face after he heard the swear. "So, Christmas." The man said and shoved his glasses up again. How about just buying glasses that sat fucking still on his goddamn nose, Yoongi thought annoyed.

"What about Christmas?" Yoongi asked a little harsh, he wasn't in the greatest mood. "It's in a few days, so what?"

"You seem a little... tense towards Christmas, am I right?" Yoongi nodded slowly. Great job finding that out. He was still eyeing him with a little confusion, where was he going with this? "What makes you tense?"

Yoongi thought for a while. "I think," he began. "Firstly, we spend Christmas at my aunts place and she doesn't live in Daegu, we'll be there from the 23rd to the 30th and I don't know if I can handle that. Especially because I have to leave Taehyung behind."

"Behind?"

"Well, in Daegu. I would have loved spending more time with him." His therapist smiled fondly at him. "But you're gonna be back. You're just away for a few days."

"Yeah, but still!" Yoongi huffed. "I hate family gatherings. They all think I'm a fuck up who can't do anything and I... it won't be the same if my brother isn't there... It's the first year that he doesn't come and it's because of me. I really miss him... I miss him and I want him back in my life, I'll always want him back..."

His therapist was writing on his paper again. "I hope it'll work out between you two. He seems to be someone very important to you."

"Used to be..."Yoongi corrected. "But I wish that he'll be someone important again." He stayed silent for a few seconds. It was snowing again.

"Do you..." his therapist was speaking very quiet as if he was afraid to scare Yoongi away. "Do you want to tell me what happened between you and your brother?"

Yoongi pressed his lips together. He forced his eyes to stay trained on the sky outside, blinking rapidly to get rid of the tears that threatened to fall down his cheeks. He clenched his fists tightly, pressing crescent marks into the skin of his hands. His brother was and will always be a touchy topic.

"I..." he started but stopped again. It was hard trying to find a start for explaining all of this. "Well, my brother is older than me, we're total opposites. He's confident, is - was, I think it's still like this but I can't be sure, can I - was always surrounded by a bunch of people, has many friends, he always went out to meet some, he was a genuis in school, always brought the best grades home... Still, he is a calm person and, just like me, very good with words. He always wrote stories for me when I was a kid."

Yoongi swallowed. He had kept them all, knew where they were, hidden in his closet but still there, probably catching a fuck ton of dust.

"For me, he was more of a best friend than a brother. I constantly tried to be around him, got him to do things with me, talk with me, pay attention to me. We could talk so much, about everything. I knew I had him if I had a problem, that I could always come to him and that's what I did. It was always me, only I seeked him out. He never came to me... he never did anything first, it was always me coming to get him. I never noticed that, not until I stopped doing that and suddenly it was like we were in different galaxies. We lived in the same house, rooms across from each other but it felt like he was miles away, like there was some kind of invisible wall seperating us."

Yoongi swallowed thickly, his voice was strained, shaking ever so often but he didn't let any tear fall. "It was around that time that my depression started and it just worsened my fears, my insecurities and I couldn't bring myself to talk to him. I was sitting in front of his door, staring at it for hours but I couldn't knock. We found back to each other a few times but that was always because of me... And about a year ago he wrote me a letter, on my birthday... At first I was so happy - we weren't having any contact at that time, only saw us at christmas but he did everything he could to avoid me - so, I felt happy. But then I read the letter and... and well, he said that he didn't see a point in us trying and trying again and again to build our relationship up, that it was only hurting us both. That he didn't know how to deal with a person like me and that he doesn't want to drag me down because he knows how much it hurt me everytime we lost contact again..."

Yoongi wiped at his eyes, still refusing to shed yet another tear over his brother. He had cried so much because of him, it was enough. "I tried to explain that I want him in my life, that he weren't dragging me down but he wouldn't listen. He said that we were too different, he told me I was a great person that he doesn't deserve to be in my life again because of how much he hurt me - Bullshit! Why does he have the right to decide that?! I want him back and he just decides that he wouldn't even try because he doesn't deserve me. He's so confusing but I can't, I can't chase him anymore and he doesn't want to come after me either. It still hurts," he clenched the fabric of his shirt right over his heart. "And I still want him to be here again, I can't even be angry at him... So, yeah, this christmas he told my mother that he wouldn't come, that he couldn't see me, especially not after what I did - what I tried to do. Of course she hasn't told me this, I just heard their conversation on coincidence and this... this hurts even more than getting those words said into my face."

It was silent for a while, the only sound the ticking of the clock. "That's... I don't even know what to say but give him a little time. Often it's very difficult for family members to understand why someone attempts suicide... but still... If you really want to have him back, you can't give up."

Yoongi nodded sadly, he knew that but he despised the crushing feeling of defeat whenever he failed with his brother. "But maybe you shouldn't only give him time but yourself too. Get better, get stable." Wait until you won't break again if you fail, wait until you can endure the crushing feeling so you won't be swallowed by the depression again. Yoongi knew what the man meant.

"But, I noticed something," his therapist wrote on his notepad again. "There are parallels between the relationship between you and your brother and the one between you and Taehyung. In the first one, you're the one that's always running after a person, following them everywhere and you think it's unfair that he decides to end your relationship alone. And with Taehyung it's the opposite. Of course I can see that you like him very much - and I'm sure your brother likes you too - but it still seems like Taehyung's the one chasing you, running after you, coming to you and if I remember correctly you told me that you'd lose him in the end and that it'd be easier to break things up right away just because you think you'd ruin it anyway. Don't you think that would be like what you're brother did to you?"

Yoongi stared at the man in front of him, he never thought about this like that. "Yeah, I think but I-"

"I know that you're still different. You didn't do it. And you genuinely like that Taehyung kid, so you won't let him get away, right?"

"Yes, never."

His therapist smiled at him again. "So, back to christmas, anything else? Anything else what makes you so tensed about the holidays apart from the absence of your brother?"

"Taehyung's birthday is on the 30th. I don't want to miss it but I think we'll only be home in the evening."

"His birthday? Do you have a present that you want to give to him?"

"Of course!" Yoongi said offended. He fumbled with his phone until it began playing the first notes of the song he wrote for Taehyung. He felt relieved that they could stray from the topic of his brother that fast, maybe he'll talk about him again but another time. "It's a song."

They listened to the whole recording, Yoongi had also written lyrics and even when he sometimes sang his voice wasn't nearly as good as Taehyung's. So, he wanted the younger to sing the piece he had composed. Well, the singing parts because Yoongi was pretty confident in his rapping abilities he had included some parts for him to do, too. He still wasn't completely satisfied with the track but he still had time.

"I... I think it's pretty good but it sounds so sad." His therapist commented, making a face. "No, it doesn't." Yoongi said. "It sounds bittersweet, not sad. Bittersweet. I have lyrics for singing too but I want Taehyung to sing them."

"Ah, I see. What's the song called?"

"It's called Butterfly. It's about him, me, us. I'm not completely finished with the lyrics, I'm still working on some parts and I'm still not satisfied with the middle part of the song but I still have time to fix that." Yoongi said, gaze slipping outside of the window again, eyeing the busy street underneath them. What will Taehyung say about his gift? If he didn't want to be Yoongi's friend anymore than that was okay but the older wanted to tell him how he feels. Okay, it wouldn't be okay, not at all but he shouldn't worry about it too soon. And he believed that Taehyung would stay with him despite that, he needed him too much, they needed each other too much and Yoongi would be okay with a platonic relationship. He just needed to tell, just needed to tell Taehyung at least once that he loved him.

"What do you want to tell him with the song?" The voice of the man was soft, careful, like he was afraid that Yoongi would shut down again. He was tempted to do just that but he didn't.

"Well, aren't you interested in my life?" Yoongi said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice, a faint smirk playing at the corner of his lips.

"It's my job after all." The man said, face breaking out in a mocking smile. Yoongi scowled. "I want him to know how much he means to me, that he is far more than a friend, than a best friend, than whatever I am to him. Because he is everything to me and I want him to know that. I need him to tell me that my feelings aren't returned so that I can move on, because if I continue like this I'm going to lose him. I'm going to push him away because I wouldn't be able to endure the feeling of not being loved back, so I need his help to fall out of love again."

His therapist nodded, he had put his notepad down, pen no longer in hand and glasses not on his nose anymore. His gaze was soft, a small smile gracing his lips. "What if your feelings are returned?"

"I know they're not. He said it already but I need to hear it again. I need to hear him say it after he knows my feelings." His voice was becoming more and more quiet, almost a whisper. "That's the only way..."

"Okay," his therapist coughed. "I would wish you Good Luck but I don't think it's appropriate to wish you good luck for not getting your feelings returned. So, I wish you that you two stay close friends because obviously he's good for you and from what you've told me you're good for him too. Do what makes you happy, Yoongi."

"Yeah..." He nodded.

~

"I'll be back on your birthday, okay?" Yoongi said for the millionth time. He was still standing in front of Taehyung's door, the younger latched onto him while Yoongi's parents were waiting impatiently for him in the car. They were supposed to have left fifteen minutes ago but Taehyung would just not let go of him. Not like Yoongi wanted him to.

"But it's sooo long until my birthday! How am I supposed to survive these days without you?" He was whining now, he sounded pretty childish but Yoongi heard the fear in his jokingly said question. He heard the sincerity, because Taehyung was really not sure how he would survive this days undamaged without Yoongi and the older knew that - God, he felt the same. "I'm sure you'll manage. We can text and just call me anytime, though I would prefer texting but you know that already. Now," he struggled against Taehyung's hold, even though he wanted to stay there forever but he couldn't. "Let me go, please."

Another high pitched whine came from the mouth of the younger. "Okay!" he said, releasing his hold on a Yoongi a little. "But you have to give me a goodbye kiss!" He was smiling wide, expectantly looking at a frozon Yoongi. Something inside of his chest clenched painfully, like someone had stabbed him right in the lungs. Breathing suddenly became hard. Hesistantly the older leant in, lips inches from the other's cheek but he decided against a kiss in the last moment. With an evil smirk he licked a fat stipe over Taehyung's left cheek and used the short moment of surprise to escape his grasp and run to the car. "Yoongi! You're so gross!" Taehyung clutched his cheek in disgust but Yoongi just laughed and flipped the younger off. He deserved that one. He was smiling, both of them were but still, Yoongi couldn't help the unsettling feeling in his stomach.

~

Yoongi promised to text Taehyung as often as he could, what he hadn't took into consideration were his relatives. Suddenly everyone wanted to talk to him, talk to him about the time he was hospitalized, how brave he had been, that they were proud he was managing to leave the psychiatry now and so on. He rather not talk about it but no one left that topic alone. He felt uneasy, uncomfortable and over all lonely.

It was funny how one can feel extremely lonely even when they were in a room full of people. They were suffocating him, with their questions, their presence, the chatter around him made him deaf, he felt like collapsing. He found himself sitting on the floor in an empty room, hands covering his eyes, breath ragged, heart racing, crouched down and holding back tears. "Calm down... Calm down... Calm down..." He repeated those two words like a mantra, like it would actually help if he said it outloud often enough.

He wished for Taehyung to be here. Had it the younger as hard as he had it? Was he also sitting somewhere, hiding from his family and failing to hold back a panic attack? Yoongi wished not. He wanted Taehyung to enjoy himself. With trembling fingers he reached for his phone and searched for his and Taehyung's chat.

Me
I need you to talk to me

It took the younger exactly two minutes to call Yoongi. The older hesitated, finger hovering over the green button but in the end he pressed it. Lifting the phone to his ear, the first thing he could hear was Taehyung's breathing. "Hyung?" followed a hushed voice. "Are you alright?"

Yoongi wanted to laugh. He wanted to assure Taehyung that he was indeed alright but he couldn't lie, especially not after he sent that text to the younger. He pressed his eyes shut, preventing the tears from spilling over.

"I'm not." He croaked out. "I don't want to be here. I want to go home..."

He heard a sharp intake of breath over the line and he tried to imagine what Taehyung would look like right now. Stunning. That was sure. He imagined the taller hiding in a room just like him, maybe the bathroom or some room upstairs. He imagined how the younger had snuck away just to talk to him and he felt a little better, better because Taehyung cared for him after all.

"I want you to be home, too." A small voice admitted and Yoongi's chest tightened again, his heart clenching. He swallowed. "Is your christmas alright?" he asked, changing the topic.

"Like every year," Taehyung sighed and Yoongi was practically seeing him tiredly wiping at his eyes. "It's stressful, difficult and we haven't even started eating yet."

"I'll be back for your birthday."

"I know." And now Yoongi could hear the smile in Taehyung's voice, it made him smile too. "I wish I could make the days go by faster." Yoongi nodded in agreement until he realized that the younger couldn't see him. He breathed a small me too in the phone. They were just sitting in silence now, nobody felt the need to say anything. Both were content with just listening to the other's breathing. There was a faint sound in the background and suddenly Taehyung began shuffling.

"Sorry," he muttered quickly. "Dinner's ready. I need to leave. Don't forget to text me!"

Yoongi felt sad but also better, better than before the call. More relaxed. "I won't." He reassured Taehyung. "Good luck for dinner. I'll be thinking of you."

"Thanks hyung..." Tahyung's voice was full of fondness and with a click the line went silent. Yoongi stayed a little like this. Standing in the empty room, phone still pressed to his ear, listening to the static noise and looking outside the window, it was still snowing.

He took a deep breath before deciding to go back to the rest of his family. Before he entered the living room he braced himself for the conversations and a little less anxious, he went inside.

~

Christmas eve wasn't too bad after all and the next days weren't as exhausting and unbearable as he had expected them to be - but still not easy, not even slightly. The only problem was that he almost didn't had any time to keep in contact with Taehyung. He was busy with family and finishing the final touches of Taehyung's present, he almost only found time for the younger in the late evening and often they were both so tired that their interactions never lasted long. Both were exhausted from the constant stress they were exposed to, spending all the time with people when you were used to always hanging out alone or only one person was pretty hard for them.

Yoongi knew that the other was probably really busy and/or tired but that didn't stop his worrying. Because something was wrong, something was definitely wrong. It was the evening of the 28th december and Yoongi's phone didn't show any messages from the younger. It's been twenty four hours since he had heard from him the last time. They had talked yesterday evening, Taehyung had sounded like all life had been sucked out of him, voice barely above a whisper and hollow. The call wasn't long because Taehyung claimed to be dead tired and needed sleep, even then Yoongi had that strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. Like he knew that Taehyung wasn't telling him everything, that there must be more than sheer tiredness.

And now, twenty four hours later, the feeling only worsened. The last days he had always at least recieved one text from Taehyung saying 'Good morning' and wishing him a good day but today, nothing. He sent a text and tried to busy himself with something else, getting his mind off the issue. But he couldn't concentrate on anything, his gaze always found the phone again.

An hour later there was still no reply, the message hadn't even been read by the younger. Yoongi sent a bunch more before beginning to call Taehyung.

With every call that ended with the younger's mailbox the bad feeling in his stomach grew and grew. Slowly, dread began creeping into his body. Starting in his legs, he couldn't hold them still, they were bouncing the whole time. His stomach hurt, it felt like he had swallowed an angry stack of wasps and now those were running wild. The beating of his heart hurt and felt way too fast and way too powerful to be normal, his heart was pounding against his ribcage without any rhythm. His hands were trembling lightly, a fine sheen of cold sweat began coating his forehead and his chest was clenching painfully. Something was definitely not right. By now he should have gotten any kind of response from the younger, but still nothing. He contemplated asking his parents for the number of Taehyung's house phone but he didn't dare to, afraid of what might expect him if he called.

Yoongi wasn't able to sleep that night.

~

He spent the whole next day watching his phone but nothing. Taehyung was still not answering and Yoongi felt sick, everytime he looked at the empty display of his phone he could barely contain the urge to throw up. It was torture.

What if something had happened to him?

He didn't like any of the possible scenarios his mind came up with, it could be anything. Maybe he just lost his phone but then there was the small evil voice in the back of his head that told him that something horrible had happened. Or... that maybe the younger got tired of him, that he was just ignoring Yoongi on purpose.

The anxious feeling stayed and got even worse on the ride home, it felt like the car was barely moving, every minute felt like an eternity to him. He was trying to distract himself with music but when they finally arrived in their street he couldn't remember a single song that he had listened to.

His legs felt wobbly as he slowly stepped in front of Taehyungs house, his heart was racing, breath ragged and mind still spinning. With trembling fingers he knocked on the door, not knowing what to expect. He was prepared for almost anything that could greet him at the door. From seeing a smiling and apologizing Taehyung to his parents dressed in black, telling Yoongi that the younger passed away. What he didn't expect was to come face to face with Jung Hoseok. His former best friend.