Yoongi never expected to see Hoseok again. God, he had prayed to never see the other man again. Even though he was standing up, two feet securely on the ground, he still felt like falling while he was looking at Hoseok's surprised face.

When was the last time he saw him? Was it six? Seven years ago? He couldn't remember but he could recall the way he had treated his friend back then. The thoughts made him want to die of shame, he felt the dreadful feeling crawling up inside of him and trying to choke him.

He was prepared for anything to happen but he wasn't prepared for this.

It seemed like Hoseok hadn't expected seeing him at the door either. They both just kind of stood there, staring at each other and not daring to move a muscle.

The spell was broken when another boy – supposedly Taehyung's age – emerged from behind Hoseok. He was around Yoongi's height, maybe a tiny bit smaller, dark brown hair fell into his sparkling eyes and his plump lips were pressed into a tight line. "Are you Yoongi?" The boy asked and before Yoongi had gathered enough strength to reply, Hoseok had already bit out a curt "Yeah." The other boy looked confused between them back and forth.

"I wanted to see Taehyung." Yoongi declared, finally finding his voice again. "He hasn't been answering his messages."

"So, you text him?" Hoseok said and though it sounded like he tried to sound calm, his voice was strained. Yoongi winced slightly, he couldn't meet the other's eyes. Of course Hoseok was still hurt, of course, after all he had every right to be. Yoongi had been a complete asshole to him. The way he had suddenly ended their deep friendship without any explanation and left for Seoul must have been devastating for Hoseok.

"What's up with you two?" The small boy asked, still eyeing both curiously. Yoongi wanted nothing more than to finally get inside, it was fucking cold and freaking awkward just standing in the door like this. And he needed to get away from Hoseok's piercing gaze. "I'm Jimin by the way." The other boy said. Yoongi nodded, thankful to have a name to the face of the boy. He couldn't supress the shiver that shook his whole body as the wind blew a little stronger than before.

"Can I come in?" He muttered against his thick scarf.

Jimin curtly smiled and gestured for him to go ahead but Yoongi stayed put. Hoseok was still standing in the door, blocking the way inside and he didn't look like he would be budging any time soon. Yoongi was thankful for Jimin's presence. The smaller grabbed Hoseok's arm and forcefully pulled him back to make way for Yoongi. "Okay, Hobi, that's enough! Go aside." Jimin scolded. "Let the poor guy in, it's fucking freezing." Yoongi ushered inside, sending a grateful smile in Jimin's direction.

He followed the two boys into the living room. Taehyung's parents and siblings were sitting on the sofa, next to them another boy, one that Yoongi knew too. And again he got cut off before he could even start talking. "Yoongi-hyung?!" The boy on the sofa gasped and yeah, there was no doubt that this was Jeon Jungkook. Even though the small and fragile boy from the past, grew up to look like he could bench press Yoongi with one arm, there was no doubt that this really was the guy he had babysat back in his High school days.

"Am I really the only one who doesn't know him?" Jimin hissed frustrated. "Be glad." Hoseok snarled. And Yoongi turned around in a flash, fierce gaze fixing the other on the spot. "You know what, I'm sorry, okay?!" He snapped. "I know I've been an asshole and I shouldn't have left like this but that was six years ago! Six years, Hoseok, don't you think it's time to get over it?"

Now it was Hoseok's time to snap, he took a threatening step towards Yoongi, both now extremely close to each other. "No, you know what?! Fuck you! Maybe it's been six years but that doesn't change the fact that you suddenly shut me out! I thought we were best friends. And from one day to the other you suddenly pushed me away and as soon as you finished highschool you just went away, without telling me anything! You just disappeared from my life, treated me like I wasn't there and all of that without a fucking explanation. Fuck those six years, it could be a hundred and I'd still be pissed at you!"

Yoongi visibly deflated, eyes casted downwards to avoid Hoseok's angry gaze. He was right and Yoongi knew that from the start. He took a deep breath. His throat felt like it was about to close up but right now he could still get a few words out. "...If I could have I would've apologized a long time ago. Hell, I never wanted it to get that far but... back then... I didn't know how to deal with anything."

"That's not an explanation, that is an excuse. You can't pull the 'I-was-young-and-stupid' - card on me." Hoseok growled with a scowl on his lips.

"I'm not making excuses. When I started pushing you away the..." His words faltered. It was scary as hell talking about this with Hoseok. He had always done everything to hide his mental health from his best friend. He was never supposed to find out. "The depression, anxiety and my... social phobia had begun kicking in and I... I was stupid okay, I still am... I didn't wanted you to notice but the problem was that we knew each other for years, you were my best fucking friend and I knew I... I couldn't lie to you for long. I knew that one day I would slip, even for just a tiny bit and you would have seen how fucked up I was - I am. And I couldn't risk that, so I pushed you away. I know that this was possibly the stupidest thing I could have done but back then it only seemed logical. I left for Seoul because I thought that I'd get better but that wasn't the case."

He still couldn't look at Hoseok, too afraid of the other's reaction to his words. The words he had hid from him so well all those years back. The words he shouldn't have hid at all. "My time in Seoul was the worst. I had talked myself into thinking that I was getting better while actually getting worse. Worse to the point that... that I didn't... I didn't see any purpose in life. I got to the point where I was a breath away from death, to the point that I tried to kill myself. And still, still in all this time, I regretted ending things like this. Ending things with you. I still regret it."

He took another deep breath, eyes still focused on his own shoes. "To be honest, ours wasn't the only friendship I destroyed like that. The total of three friends I ever had in my life were all pushed away by me in the end. I'm sorry, okay? But I didn't know what to... I was scared. I was too scared. I was scared you'd drop me as soon as you'd see how broken I was - am - no matter how irrational that fear is. So, I decided to end things first, so it wouldn't hurt so much. But it actually was even more painful... I'm sorry."

"I never knew..." Hoseok whispered, making Yoongi chuckle dryly. "That was the whole point."

The other nodded his head absently before continuing. "But you're still the most idiotic asshole I know! And despite that... despite everything I... I could never really stay angry at you. The truth is, all I wanted from you all these years was a simple apology. One simple 'I'm sorry, let's be friends again' and I would have accepted it without hesitation. You're really stupid you know that?" Yoongi dared to look up now. He was greeted by teary eyes and the bright smile on Hoseok's lips, almost as bright as Taehyung's. Taehyung! Fucking shit! There had been a reason he originally came over. Fucking shit.

"Where's Taehyung?" he urgently blurted out. Startling the other's. Seven pairs of eyes turned towards the stairs in the back. "He's in his room," Mrs. Kim said and her voice sounded extremely exhausted with a touch of annoyance. "He's locked inside of there since three days. He won't come out no matter what we do."

Yoongi was tempted to just run up the stairs and pound on Taehyung's door but he needed to know the story of how it happened before he could approach the younger. "Did anyone say anything to him?"

"We haven't said anything." Taehyung's mother said a little offended. "We just told him that he'd never get better if he doesn't stop relying on others. That nothing will change if he never leaves his bed. That he had to stop being so lazy and do so-"

Yoongi cut her off. "Are you stupid?!" He yelled. "Are you all blind?! This is what you call 'Saying nothing?'"

"Hey," Jimin interfered, holding his hands up in a calming gesture. "You can't shout at her when she's just telling the truth."

"Yeah," Taehyung's father said. "He even stopped seeing his therapist, not like the eating disorder or the phobia got any better. He'll never achieve anything if he just continues like this. He's been like that for a long time now. He doesn't care about anything, all he wants is sleep and this is the second time he locked himself up. What are we supposed to do with him?"

Yoongi couldn't believe his ears. He looked around the room to check that the rest heard the same, he saw the faces of the other persons, faces that looked like they agreed with the said things. He actually needed a moment to gather his thoughts and to calm down because right now, all he wanted to do was punching some sense in these inconsiderate people. "You are supposed to help him!" He yelled. "He's lazy?! What the fuck is wrong with all of you? He's not lazy. You're all just fucking blind. The reason why he's acting like this is called depression! Taehyung's depressed and you're all too dumb to see it!"

Everyone was staring wide eyed at him, Yoongi chuckled bitterly. "It's sad how easily Taehyung can fool all of you, he really is a great actor. Taehyung is good at not showing his real feelings... do you know that every single one of you has probably hurt him very much without even noticing it, triggering him into slipping even depper in his depression?"

He turned to Taehyung's parents and siblings. "The little 'jokes' you make about his eating, that he'll get fat, that he doesn't eat anything – all that hurts him, he just doesn't show it. You are all accusing him of being lazy and never doing anything when he's really suffering from depression. All that is just making it worse and worse. He doesn't want to burden anyone, to burden any of you even more and just keeps quiet. He doesn't feel like being a normal family member, an ordinary friend. He feels like he's putting load after load on your shoulders and he doesn't want that. That's why he's shouldering all of this on his own and your words only encourage his way of thinking... When was the last time that any of you has seen his arms?"

They were all looking at each other, guilt clear on their faces. "Why's that important?" Taehyung's father finally asked. Yoongi just scoffed. "Why's that important?" He repeated it sarcastically. With one swift moment he pulled his own sleeves up, making Hoseok suck in a sharp breath. "Because they look like this, just that they're not quite scars yet, not all of them. And he doesn't have those," He gestured to the deep scars directly at his wrist, the ones that were meant to end his life. "Not yet." He added.

"...We had no idea..." Jimin whispered pulling another hollow chuckle from Yoongi. "Of course you didn't. Like I said, Taehyung is great at hiding but you should've noticed that something serious was wrong. You should have seen the warning signs. Almost no one of you knows anything about depression," he eyed Taehyung's mother, remembering the night the younger had told him about his mother's breakdown when he had been little. "You should have seen it," He adressed her directly. "You should have known. But no, no one paid enough attention to him and he felt like he was a burden to everyone. Like all he does is dragging you down. He's way stronger than any of you think."

Yoongi wasn't looking at any of them, he couldn't. He felt like he was going to throw up if he looked at their guilty expressions anymore. Guilty way too late. "You know, people with depression are hard to handle. There will be days when we feel like everything is useless, when we just want to lie in our bed the whole day and sleep all our worries and troubles away. You need to understand this, you need to understand that we need you even though we push you away. On other days we might be extremely needy, wanting reassurance that there are people who care about us, who are there for us. You have to watch out for the small signs, you have to pay enough attention to the the little things or you won't be able to support us. We often can't say that we're feeling bad or uncomfortable, you have to learn to see that. Of course it's hard, nothing's ever easy. Sometimes we just need our space and other times we need human warmth and sometimes we don't even know what we want, what we feel - if we even feel anything - and you can't pressure us there. Taehyung suffered for so long and he endured so much, it's about time you all support him the way he needs it."

Everyone was silent. Yoongi's heart was racing in his chest, slowly his own anxiety crept in and the longer nobody said anything nor moved, it got worse. Suddenly Jimin's voice broke through the silence. "Tae!" He exclaimed and took a step towards Yoongi, who turned around to get a look at the stairs too. Taehyung stood there, half hidden behind the wall, expression full of panic and a little relief when his gaze caught Yoongi's. His mouth was moving but Yoongi couldn't make out the words. Either his hearing suddenly went missing or Taehyung was really speaking this quietly but maybe his words just drowned in the noise the other people made as soon as they spotted him in the room.

Guilt washed from their faces, replaced by urgent looks of concern, they all rose from their seats and their voices were calling out to Taehyung. "How are you, Taehyung?" - "Why weren't you opening the door, Taehyung?" - "We were worried, Taehyung!" - "Taehyung!" - Taehyung. Taehyung. Over and over again. The younger looked like he might faint any second, face growing paler and paler with every noise that reached his ears. He was stuttering now, breathing uneven and Yoongi could make out tears in the other's eyes. He took a deep breath and a large step towards the younger, he didn't flinch away. Yoongi stepped in front of him like a protection shield, his voice was uneven but loud. "Did any of you listen to what I just said!" He asked staring at the floor. The room fell silent in an instant.

Yoongi turned towards Taehyung. "Go back up..." he whispered softly. The younger looked torn, like he wanted to rush up the stairs more than anything but wanted to stay by the older just as much. "I'll be up in a second." Yoongi reassured him and Taehyung timidly went up the stairs again.

"Maybe you should leave," Yoongi said looking at the three boys directly in front of him. Jimin, Jungkook and Hoseok. "I don't think he'll come out today again. Maybe you can try tomorrow. Don't pressure him, let him do it at his own pace, okay?" The three nodded despite their obvious disappointment. They all wanted to check on Taehyung, Yoongi understood it. "Text me how he is. I still have the same number, you just have to unblock it." Hoseok whispered before turning to follow the other two out.

"When he comes down tomorrow," Yoongi started, referring to Taehyung's family. "Please don't ask him about," he gestured around with his arms. "All this. He'll tell you when he's ready. Again, don't pressure him. He locked himself in because he was feeling overwhelmed with everything, give him time to recover from that. He'll still feel fragile."

They nodded and Yoongi's mother stood up, teary eyed. "I want to - I need to do something, anything..." her voice trailed off. "Make him something to eat, his favorite meal. Not too much. He won't be able to eat a normal amount after eating barely anything the last week and he hasn't been eating much beforehand too. So... yeah, just not too much." Mrs. Kim nodded and proceeded to rush in the kitchen right away.

Yoongi took the first hesitant steps on the stairs, he had never been here before. Only ever stood in front of the house, he didn't know where Taehyung's room was. Suddenly there was a voice behind him. "Second door on the right." He turned to look at Taehyung's little sister, her gaze was turned downwards, not meeting his eyes. "Please, make him come out again." Then she was gone again, Yoongi found himself nodding to an ampty stairway. Even though he now knew where to go, his steps were still wary, careful.

The door was slightly ajar but he knocked despite that, just to get the younger's attention. But the male just kept on staring holes in the wall, not moving an inch. Yoongi stepped into the room, the blinds were closed, the only light coming from the hallway. Taehyung sat on his bed which was covered in random things: books, pens, papers, clothes. The whole room looked like that - a mess. The walls were covered in pictures, some drawn and others just posters of bands, actors and such. Half empty dishes were on the floor and on the messy desk. There was a body lenght mirror on the closet but you couldn't really see the reflection because it was covered in red paint. There was a heavy smell as soon as Yoongi stepped inside but he didn't even flinch. He wasn't new to rooms like that, after all his whole appartement used to be like this back in Seoul, only with a little more ashes, cigarettes and empty beer cans lying around.

He sat down next to Taehyung, a book poking him in the thigh but that didn't matter. Because as soon as he sat down the younger had buried his head right under Yoongi's chin and had his arms wrapped around him. Taehyung smelled too. His hair was greasy, oily, as Yoongi ran his fingers through it. It must have been days since the younger showered for the last time. But Yoongi didn't mind, he only pulled the other closer, shocked at how easily he could feel every bone through the skin. He had known that Taehyung wasn't eating regulary but he didn't know it was this bad. This one week must have drained a few kilos from him, he hugged him tighter.

"I missed you..." Taehyung croaked. "And I'm so gross right now... you shouldn't... I mean..."

"It's okay," Yoongi calmed him. "I don't mind."

"I do." Taehyung was pulling away again. His voice still sounded hollow, dead. "Help me shower..." he asked in a small voice and how could Yoongi refuse him? He knew that Taehyung was probably trying to avoid the real problem here but that was okay. For now. He should listen to his own advice and should stay away from pressuring Taehyung.

Yoongi followed the younger to the bathroom, always being ready to catch him because he was dangerously swaying while walking. In the light of the hallway Yoongi could see how slumped Taehyung's shoulders were, how prominent his spine was jutting out under his skin and it made him shudder. Afraid of what he might see if Taehyung took off his clothes.

The younger seemed to not feel uncomfortable at all, he sat down on the closed toilet lid, facing Yoongi and tiredly lifting his arms. He really looked miserable. Cheeks hollowed out, eyes tired and bloodshot, deep, dark bags underneath them. His skin seemed to have gotten worse in the last week, the wound on his neck now more obvious and bigger. Red spots all over his face, the skin in the corner of his mouth was ripped, over his right eye was a slightly open wound and coming from under his hairline another on the left side of his face. All in all he looked extremely pale and sick, more dead than alive. The skin around his fingernails was peeled back, wounds between his fingers.

Yoongi carefully helped the other out of his oversized sweatshirt and gasped when his gaze fell on Taehyung's arms. There were new cuts, a whole lot and deep ones, too. Dried blood was covering his skin, it seemed like Taehyung hadn't botherd with wiping it away after cutting. Yoongi's own wrists tingled - in temptation. It happened everytime he thought about cutting or saw a razor blade but the temptation wasn't strong enough to make him give in or maybe he wasn't weak enough anymore? Who should know?

But he knew that cutting wasn't a sign of weakness. Cutting was all about control. People started slicing their wrists because for one moment all the pain, the misery, the hurt, the desperation - all of that - vanished and there was only the feeling of the cold razor cutting through your skin. The dripping of warm blood from your arms, stomach, thighs. One moment in which those people could forget but exactly that was the addicting part. Because as soon as the pain subsided all these crushing emotions came back with full force. So, the next cut had to be deeper because only like that the relieving seconds were lasting longer. People cut because they can't control the pain inside of them, so they decide to control the pain on the outside. It was all about control. Not weakness.

Yoongi left Taehyung sitting for a moment while turning around to let hot water pour into the bathtub. He got back to the younger, eyeing his upper body. Skin a sickly paleness too. He could count Taehyung's ribs just by looking at him, he lost so much weight, not only in the past week but that took the last straw. Yoongi felt like he was going to vomit and/or cry. He choked back a sob when he finally stripped Taehyung completely bare and helped him lower himself in the water.

The younger continued to just sit there, mouth sealed shut. Yoongi retrieved a fluffy washcloth, wet it and began carefully wiping the blood from Taehyung's arms. The love he felt for the younger was almost suffocating him right now. The feeling of being utterly useless to the one he loved the most made him choke on his own breath. If he had come back earlier... If he hadn't left at all...

"I'm sorry." Yoongi was surprised to not hear those words from his own mouth. But that had definitely been Taehyung's voice, even though it had been quiet. "You don't have to-"

"No." The younger interrupted him, voice a little stronger now. "I should be sorry. I am sorry for not being able to handle being alone. I know I make you worry and I'm sorry for that. Please don't blame this on you. It's not your fault... It's mine. I would be feeling even worse if you blamed yourself for what I did this week... so... please don't..." His last words were hard to understand because the younger was slowly sinking underwater.

Yoongi waited until he was up again to rub shampoo in his hair, careful because of the wounds. Taehyung winced a little but didn't say anything. "I," Yoongi coughed once, there he went avoiding the topic too. "I have a gift for you... but I'm not sure if I should give it to you..."

"Me too." Taehyung whispered, more to himself than to Yoongi. "I have a gift but I'm not sure if I should give it to you. I'm not sure if you would want it..."

Yoongi chuckled and began washing Taehyung's hair out. "I would like anything from you, really."

"You say that now..." the younger mumbled. "What happened is really not your fault." Taehyung repeated again. "I should be able to be on my own, without you, I mean I've done it for nearly twenty-two years. I just don't know what made me get so worse. This whole year had been shit, everything got worse, everything and then there was christmas and it was so stressful, exhausting. You weren't there to calm me down and I didn't know what to do. Suddenly everything got too much and I just... I just lost it. It was too much for me. I'm sorry for making you worry."

"You shouldn't be apoligizing for losing to your depression. It's not your fault that you can't handle yourself right now. Don't blame this on you and I won't blame it on myself either." But still, Yoongi couldn't help the feeling of guilt spreading in his chest. "Come on, get out." He helped Taehyung to his feet, keeping his eyes above the other's shoulders, he wrapped the younger in a big towel and started drying him off, being extremely careful when he came across cracked skin. Taehyung stayed quiet the whole time, he waited in the bathroom while Yoongi brought him clothes to change in to.

Yoongi left the other alone to change and went back into Taehyung's room. He opened the blinds, letting the last light of the day inside. Without a real system he only began picking various things up from the floor, from the bed just to make it a little less messy. He even opened a window to air out the room. Shortly before Taehyung arrived his mother stood in the door, a tablet with food on it. She smiled at Yoongi - it looked strained - and placed the tray on the desk, grabbing the dirty dishes and left again.

Taehyung arrived only a few seconds later, his gaze fell on the food. "I'm not hungry." He said instantly. Yoongi scoffed. "Bullshit. I could hear your stomach growling if I was in my room right now," he gestured towards the window. "And that's all the way over there."

Taehyung smiled sheepishly and walked over. He smiled, Yoongi thought, a little relief washing over him. They weren't talking while they both ate. Taehyung ate very slowly and not much. He couldn't upset his stomach too much, he needed to get used to eating properly again.

"I can sleep over if you want..." Yoongi trailed off, face heating up. "Yeah." Taehyung nodded with a small smile and Yoongi's breath caught in his throat. Just one week without seeing him and he totally forgot how beautiful Taehyung looked. Even as damaged as he was right now. "Do you want to tell your parents...? They're really worried about you, maybe you could try to just say 'hi', let them know you're still alive."

Taehyung nodded despite looking a little tense, but he was already getting up and grabbing the almost empty plates. "Do you want me to-" but Yoongi wasn't able to finish his sentence, Taehyung was already shaking his head. "I'll go alone... but when I'm back," he said from the door, voice a little stronger than before. He already seemed a little better than when Yoongi had arrived or maybe that was just his acting again. Trying to convince Yoongi that he was fine, trying to avoid talking about all of this.

"We'll exchange gifts." Yoongi's stomach dropped to the floor, even if it wasn't far, given that he was already sitting on the floor but the sensation was still not pleasant. He totally forgot about the presents. Was it really smart to confess to Taehyung now? Probably not but he couldn't chicken out now. If he'd do that he would never gather up the courage to confess his feelings ever again.