One time Yoongi and his brother had snuck away some of the candy their parents had hidden. In hope they wouldn't get caught, they had shared them hiding under Yoongi's bed. And anyway, who would notice a few missing chocolate treats? Well, Yoongi had been stupid enough to leave the wrappers on his bed. With chocolate smeared around his mouth and a scared expression had he awaited the scolding of his parents.

Right now he almost felt like that.

Stealing feelings he wasn't supposed to have, leaving them just like the wrappers lying around openly. The 'I-love-you's' smeared around his mouth and ready to await his punishment or in this case - rejection.

Yoongi nervously chewed on his bottom lip while playing with his slightly sweaty hands. Taehyung came through the door, still without a smile on his lips but his eyes weren't looking so empty anymore, shoulders not completely hunched. Now or never, he thought. Taking a deep breath, he turned around, ready to start talking when Taehyung interrupted him. "I," the younger said. "I want to give you my gift last and... and I want you to uhm to not stop being friends with me because of it."

Yoongi immediately suffocated every tiny bit of hope that dared to build up because of the younger's words. If he wouldn't do that, the rejection would only hurt even more and he couldn't handle that. He nodded his head. "I promise you if you promise me the same thing." Taehyung smiled a little.

Yoongi's nerves were on edge, his fingers trembled slightly as he pulled his phone out and searched for the track. "Do uhm do you have a box?" He asked hesistantly. Taehyung got up and after a little rummaging pulled a small black box out of the mess. Yoongi easily connected to it, he took a deep breath. "I uh, I made a song for you and yeah, I have lyrics for it and I want you to sing a part of them, I'll... I'll uhm rap the rest... so, yeah." Why was he so fucking nervous? Taehyung had listened to other pieces from him before, he heard him rap before but this, this was somehow different. In a terrifying way.

"Okay..." he breathed and clicked play. After the first notes Taehyung began singing hesistantly, his voice still small. Yoongi sang along with him when the chorous started and when the first part for him alone came he felt like he was about to pass out. But Yoongi swallowed his anxiety down and his voice was strong, fierce and full of emotion as the words slipped past his lips. He wasn't looking at Taehyung but at his hands. The younger had gotten a feeling of the rythm by now and was now singing louder, clearer. Yoongi continued sometimes singing along with Taehyung but he never dared to look at him. When the last note ended he was still staring at his hands. "...Happy Birthday..." he breathed. "That wasn't all... Uhm, okay. Do you remember when you kissed me that night?" He could see the younger nodding and opening his mouth to say something but he cut him off with a wave of his hand. "I said it was fine, right?" Another nod. "I lied..." He heard Taehyung's sharp gasp and shrunk in on himself a little.

"What?!" The younger hissed. "How - Why - ... This, this is fucking stupid, I mean -" But he cut himself off, standing up from the bed and walking fastly to the door. "Wait!" Yoongi yelled and got up himself. "What are you doing?"

"Leaving. What does it look like?" He shot back.

"This is your room, you do know that, right?"

"I do!" The younger growled frustrated, fingers threading through his still wet hair. "Taehyung," Yoongi tried to reason with the other even though he did not know anything about what might have made Taehyung mad. "This is stupid, where are you going. Wait the fuck u- I don't even know what we are!"

Taehyung sharply turned around and those empty hollow eyes that had greeted Yoongi before were now filled with fierceness and ... was that sadness? Was he imagining the tears in the other's eyes right now? "Well, I don't know either! I don't know what you are but right now I am smad!"

Yoongi suppressed the urge to chuckle. "What the fuck even is 'smad'?"

Taehyung looked at him like he had grown a second head. "Smad is obviously the combination of the words 'mad' and 'sad' - god, have you never been on tumblr in your whole life? Do you not use the internet? But that's not the important thing right now. I hate this and I think right now I hate you, too... Okay, that's not true... I could never really hate you-"

"Then what do you feel about me?! Just tell me! I'm trying to tell you my feelings here but you're just flipping out. Either you tell me why the fuck you're "smad" right now or you let me finish." Taehyung pouted but kept his mouth shut, with a sigh he plopped down on the floor, staring at his feet. "Okay. I'm sorry if you think that I think that you're gross or something because I lied about being okay with you kissing me. It's not because I'm a homophobe or something, I'm bi for God's sake."

Yoongi took another deep breath, trying to swallow his anxiety down. "That's not the problem... I lied and said it was fine so I wouldn't ruin our friendship. Well, I may - no - I developed feelings for you, like a fuck ton lot and I never, never ever caught real feelings before and this is kind of scary because you shot me down almost immediatly. Before I even got the chance of telling you anything."

Taehyung was biting his lips still staring intensely at his feet. "I knew right from the start that I wouldn't be able to lead any relationship with you, because I'm not capable to lead any relationship with anyone, but still. Still, it hurt so fucking much when you kissed me and then said that you don't see me like that. That was pretty cruel of you. So, I wrote you that song to confess my feelings and not to make you... smad or some shit."

It was silent between them, Yoongi was positive that the other could hear his rapidly beating heart. The silence stretched and stretched while Yoongi's anxiety grew and grew. He had tears in his eyes, all because of the sheer exhaustion of telling Taehyung all this. "You know," he slowly spoke. "This is the part where you politely reject me..." This seemed to pull Taehyung from his trance because suddenly he was all in Yoongi's face. Way too close for a normal conversation.

"I'm sorry!" He yelled. "I'm sorry for hurting you like that! I know I said that it was a mistake and all but the real mistake was saying all this. Because... because I knew what I was doing, because I never saw you as only a friend or a best friend. I've liked you for way longer... Back in high school," he said, eyes directly meeting Yoongi's. "Back in high school I even wrote you a love letter, I asked you to wait for me behind the gym so I could properly confess my feelings to you but... but you never showed up..."

Yoongi's brain was still too slow to comprehend all the information Taehyung was currently feeding him but he tried. "So, you mean you wrote that letter, all pink paper, heart stickers, glitter and everything?" Taehyung nodded. "Goddamnit," Yoongi cursed while chuckling dryly. "I thought someone played me a prank! I never imagined that anyone could actually take a liking to me!"

Now they both just looked at each other, awkward smiles on their faces and insecurity showing in their expressions. "So..." Yoongi said trailing off. "So..." Taehyung repeated awkwardly. Both of them were looking at the floor, avoiding having to look at each other. "So," Yoongi said again, trying – and succeeding a little – to sound confident even if he wasn't. "You are saying that all of my worrying was for nothing and that you like me too? Liked me for a long time actually?"

Taehyung slowly nodded and Yoongi felt like he was about to cry. "What... the... fuck...?" he whispered while hiding his face behind his hands. "This... this is stupid. We are stupid. I – I can't believe this... Maybe, maybe we should – Let's just go to sleep for now, okay? I'm exhausted and can't think right now..." He didn't even wait for the younger's response, with a huff he hid himself under the covers, face exploded in the biggest blush he ever had while a stupid smile spread his lips. His heart seemed to beat out of his chest and everything felt so... tingly. It was strange, a good feeling but at the same time it worried Yoongi to no end. What if he had a heart attack and just didn't realize it was one? What if he died right here without ever kissing Taehyung right? Shit. Now he thought about kissing the younger... oh no! He hoped his lips would be as soft as they looked and god they must feel heavenly on his skin, kissing and sucking on his neck, sliding down down down until they reach- Okay! Stop it right there, not safe thoughts! Not safe thoughts! Abort mission. Abort mission!

Yoongi squeaked in surpise as Taehyung suddenly wrapped his arms around him and on sheer reflex he stopped breathing for a few moments. "Is this okay?" The younger whispered directly against Yoongi's ear and the older shivered despite his hotness. He nodded slightly and released the air he was holding in with a long sigh.

"You're thinking too much again. Stop it." Taehyung giggled and pressed his bony body more against the other's back. "Shut up," Yoongi huffed. "I'm here to worry about you and not the other way around. You don't get to worry about me after this week." He felt Taehyung's arms tightening around his middle and the breathy exhale against his neck.

"I'm sorry..." the younger whispered. Yoongi felt like he was about to cry again. Fucking shit, how often did he plan on almost crying this night? He reached out to intertwine their fingers on top of his stomach and pressed a kiss to Taehyung's knuckles. "I know you are... please, don't make me worry that you'll be gone once I turn my back to you...I don't ever wanna lose you..."

"Me too..." Taehyung whispered.

"Let's sleep now."

The silence between lasted about ten minutes. Suddenly Yoongi shot up. Startling the half awake Taehyung to life again. "What...?" The younger groaned groggily, rubbing his eyes. "What's your present for me?" Yoongi asked quietly.

Taehyung also sat up straight. He wore a sheepish smile and was avoiding Yoongi's eyes. "I hoped that you would have forgot about it already... Guess not. Okay, but... like, don't laugh, okay?"

"Promise."

Taehyung got up and turned the lamp on his bedside table on. Dim light flooded the messy room. The younger pulled a poorly wrapped, square shaped gift from under his bed. "Here. Don't laugh."

Yoongi carefully took the present. It was red with tons of christmas trees printed on it, a golden string wrapped around everything. With careful movements, he began unpacking the gift.

After all the paper wrapping was gone a simple picture frame remained. He turned it around and stared. Just stared. The frame was huge, right in the middle was drawing of... of him. It was himself, side profile, looking presumbly outside. The drawing was in black and white, yet it looked so real. Like he would see the strands of his own hair moving any second. Or that he would see the smoke that escaped his lips floating in the air. A small phote was in the left corner, it was the exact picture Taehyung had drawn.

Yoongi recognized the scene. It was in his room, he was leaning on his window board, cigarette between his fingers and smoke escaping through the opened window. Snowflakes came floating in and the last sunlight was illuminating his bleached blonde hair. He didn't knew that Taehyung had taken that picture.

Around the drawing were lines written. Thoughts, quotes and at the bottom the most important one.

You're a battlefield and I'm willing to love you despite the devastation.

~

"I used to love Sylvester." Taehyung said while they made themselves comfortable on the roof of the younger's house. It was cold. Cold and loud. Fireworks already exploding everywhere around them in the unusual lit up night sky. "Used to?" Yoongi asked and tried arranging the blankets they brought right.

"Yeah, used to. As a child sylvester is amazing, the colorful fireworks and everything is a party but now... now it's just celebrating another year that'll get worse than the last." Taehyung was already sitting down, head tilted to watch the burning sky. He slightly flinched everytime a loud bang was heard but nothing in comparison to Yoongi who almost fell off the roof three times already. Taehyung had claimed that his extreme jump scare reactions to the fireworks looked funny but Yoongi couldn't see why. He almost fell of the roof, goddamn!

Okay, it would have been his own fault. It had been his idea to watch the fireworks from the roof, even though he knew how easily scared he was by them.

"Last year," Taehyung said. "Last year I made a promise to my friends but more to myself because they didn't – don't – understand what it really was about..." He breathed in and Yoongi couldn't help but stare at the younger. He was beautiful. His skin illuminated by the bright sparkling lights around them, fireworks looking like they went off in his brown eyes but still, he would look even prettier if his lips weren't turned down but pulled up into a smile.

"I promised that this year would get better that I'll get better but... but in the end this ended up being the worst year ever. My depression got the better of me, I started with the cutting and the suicidal thoughts began fucking with my head... " This time Yoongi didn't hesitate, he reached out to wrap his arm around the younger, pulling him against his side.

"You know, it's not your fault that this year was bad... I'm sure you have something good too. Look at me, I wasn't even expecting to be alive next year and here I am. This was – well, is – my worst yet best year ever. Yeah, I tried to kill myself but I'm still here, I went to get help and even though I couldn't do it until the end I'm here, I'm breathing, I have a goal and I'm slowly getting better. I've reached rock bottom this year but I also see the way up right in front of me and... and I see you waiting at the top."

Taehyung snuggled closer, pressing his cold nose into Yoongi's neck and making the older flinch away. "I'm not waiting at the top..." Taehyung whispered. "I'm in front of you, yeah, but you're on your way up and I'm on my way down."

Another firework went off, pretty close to them. Yoongi watched as the bright green sparkling lights vanished into the cold night before answering. "I know that..." his voice was small, cautious like he was afraid someone might listen to their conversation. "But you can still turn around and I'll be behind you, pushing you up again, helping you, supporting you and I know that you'll do the same for me. Helping me, pulling me up until we're both at the top again."

Taehyung chuckled slightly and slipped his icy fingers under Yoongi's clothes, warming them against the pale man's skin and earning a slap over the head for that. "Why are you so sappy tonight?" The younger questioned.

"Hey! Fuck you, I can be sappy if I want to, I wrote you a fucking a love song, okay?! Let me be sappy..." But he was laughing, pulling Taehyung closer to his chest. They stayed like that, just enjoying each other's warmth.

"It's almost midnight." Yoongi announced and let go of the younger, reaching for their pack of sparklers. "Any new year's resolutions?"

Taehyung shook his head while taking one of the sparklers Yoongi was offering him. "I think the whole concept of those resolutions is dumb. In the end almost no one is following them anyway, it's stupid." Yoongi nodded in agreement, lightening the sparklers. The beautiful light exploded right in front of their eyes and shone brightly into their faces. "I know what you mean," he commented. "But most resolutions fail because we make them and aren't fully behind them. Like, you only have that resolution because it's Sylvester and not because you want to change something right now. Like this, it's only bound to fail. I want to stay alive, I want to see another sylvester – that is my resolution and I'm completely behind it and would do anything to achieve it, so I'll probably complete it... Don't you want to get better?"

Taehyung hummed, eyes avoiding the other male. "Then make that your resolution... and now..." They both stared at Yoongi's phone, the countdown going off right when their lips met. The world exploded around them, Yoongi could see the bright lights through his closed eyelids, his ears were pounding from the sounds of dozens of exploding fireworks but all he could feel were the chapped and cold lips on his. He smiled slighty and pulled away. Taehyung stared at him, a lonely tear rolling over his cheek.

"This year feels as shitty as the last one..." he croaked and Yoongi pulled him into a hug again. They ignored the celebrating world around them; now it was only them. Two broken souls who found comfort in each other. They sat on the cold roof until Taehyung was only sobbing, no tears left in his eyes, Yoongi never let go of him. Not once.

"I want to go back..." The younger breathed, voice thick and faltering at the end. Yoongi knew that Taehyung's words didn't only had one meaning. One one hand he wanted to go inside, to escape the celebrating world. But his words held a deeper meaning. He also wanted to go back, back to the days where everything seemed nice, where he still had that childlike naivety.

It still scared Yoongi how easily he could maneuver Taehyung around, how light the other was, how his bones were uncomfortably pressing in Yoongi's side. He was so thin, a spark of guilt lit up in the older's chest again.

It was the second night he spent at Taehyung's house, in Taehyung's bed, in Taehyung's arms. It was late and Yoongi was surprisingly tired while the other suddenly seemed to have a burst of energy inside of him.

Yoongi blamed everything on his tiredness. There was just no other way that could have gotten him in this situation. Because at four in the morning in the new year he was huddled under two blankets with Taehyung wrapped practically around him and focused on the fucking disney movie they were watching. Apparently it was called Mulan or something. Tiredness. There wasn't another explanation as to why he was watching little children's movies.

"It's my favorite!" Taehyung had exclaimed. Yoongi slept through half of the movie, the other half already half forgotten. He had just been staring unfocused at the screen. Right now, Taehyung's high pitched voice pulled him back into reality with a punch. "Do you wanna stay for dinner?" He quoted the movie. "Do you wanna stay forever?!" He screamed almost right into Yoongi's ear and completely woke the older up in the process. "Calm the fuck down..." Yoongi groaned.

"Sorry." Taehyung sheepishly replied, he was turning the laptop off and soon they were lying side by side in the darkness. Yoongi, now wide awake again, couldn't fight the urge to talk about last week anymore. He contemplated the consequenses if he would start with the topic right now: First of all Taehyung could be understanding, explaining or trying to, staying calm and everything. Second, he could refuse to adress the issue and an awkward atmosphere would grow between them. Or third, the younger could get angry, defensive, they would fight. Yoongi shuddered. He hated fighting, arguments, especially with people that he held dear.

"Taehyung..." Yoongi weakly whispered and sat up. The younger did the same and Yoongi could see the confusion on his face even in the darkness of the room. "We need to talk." Tahyung nodded slowly, uncertain. The younger had grabbed Yoongi's fingers a while ago, playing with them. He would sqeeze them, turn and move them around, slotting his own fingers between Yoongi's and so on. A sign of nervousness.

"Listen..." Yoongi started to say and suddenly Taehyung stopped playing with his fingers, like he knew something serious was up. "I know you don't want to, that you're against it, but you can't go on like this." He tried looking the younger in the eyes but Taehyung was intend on focusing all of his attention on his nails. "Taehyung, I'm sure you know how bad it really is. You need help – and before you say something – not from me. You need professional help or the next time you get as bad as last week you could end up... dead." He whispered the last word and he was sure it was too quiet to hear but in the dark room it sounded like a bomb going off. Way too loud.

Taehyung had turned away from him, facing the door. But Yoongi was still able to see his trembling shoulders and was still able to hear the heavy breathing of the younger. "I'm begging you Tae... get help... please, I see you going down the same path as me and I don't want that, I can't watch you destroying yourself further. I would come with you, we'd search for a clinic together-"

"Just shut up!" Taehyung snapped, he sounded breathless. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! I won't go into a psychiatry! I just won't."

"Taehyung," Yoongi tried to reason with him, tried to calm him down a little. He didn't mean to make the other so mad. "It'll be good for you, it'll help-"

"Help me?!" The younger spat. "Be good for me?! I don't wanna go there! You left early didn't you?! Even you couldn't take it and you want me to go there?! No, thanks."

Taehyung was pacing through the room now, restlessly chewing on his bottom lip, arms wrapped securely around him and eyes wide open, unfocused. "I spent four months there and of course it's difficult and it won't get easier – not in the slightest. I'm not gonna lie to you, you'll always want to go home again but sometimes you have to endure things to get better. It's hard, yeah, of course. And I disbanded myself early because I was stable enough to have an ambulant treatment after four fucking months! You need that! You're going to kill yourself if you continue like this!"

"Why don't you understand that I don't want to go?! That I can't go?! Just leave it-"

"But I can't!" Yoongi interrupted him. "Why can't you understand that I only want to help you, that I only want what's best for you?!"

Taehyung was crying now, he was choking on his sobs, trembling and pressing his hands over his ears. "I – I... I need... Fuck . Shit, god fucking damnit!" He cursed while running out of his room and down the stairs, Yoongi following a little behind. "Taehyung!" The older yelled. "Don't run away! Tae!"

"I can't right now!" The younger heaved, panic clear in his voice. Yoongi felt the guilt rising in his chest, he didn't mean to make the other have a full blown panic attack. He desperately called out to the younger but he was faster and already out of the door. "Go away! Go away, away, away!" Taehyung wailed, he was stumbling towards the car of his parents.

Yoongi watched in horror as the younger climbed into the vehicle and locked the doors from inside. "Taehyung!" He begged, pounding against the window. "Open the door!" But the younger ignored him. Yoongi barely registered the lights of some houses turning on, people attracted by their and now mostly his yelling. He didn't care. Suddenly the engine roared to life and Yoongi had barely the time to jump back before Taehyung was alread driving forwards.

In a desperate attempt to stop the other from driving off, Yoongi stood in the middle of the road, arms opened wide and still yelling at Taehyung to please calm down already and get out of the fucking car. But it seemed like the younger wasn't able to think anymore, Yoongi knew that feeling and that was the main reason why Taehyung really couldn't leave like this. Especially not in a car. In the end he would only hurt himself and probably other's too.

He needed to stop him.

Yoongi heard stories of people telling about moments that felt like they had experienced them in slow motion. He never believed those stories. Always thought that it was impossible for the world to slow down around him. For all he knew time had always seemed to approach him too fast, pass too quickly. Too fast fot him to get a grasp of it. But the next seconds seemed to be happening just like that – in slow motion.

Yoongi saw right into Taehyung's face, into his wide eyes, he saw the way the younger desperately turned the steering wheel but the car wasn't budging. Not one bit. It continued slipping over the icy street. He felt like he wasn't in his own body, like he was just a bystander, watching from a safe distance. Just that he wasn't. He wasn't a bystander, he wasn't in a safe distance. He was right there. In the middle of the street, a car coming at him with full force.

Yoongi had no time to move out of the way, didn't even had time to blink before the impact threw him backwards. And suddenly he was back to his senses, he couldn't breathe, couldn't see. Everything hurt, he had heard the crack his head had made as it slammed to the ground and now he felt the warm trickle of blood on his face and in his hair. He was gasping, mouth open and desperately trying to draw a breath in but he only tasted the heavy, metallic blood on his tongue. Unmoving he laid there, staring in the dark sky, small snowflakes settling on his skin. His world was swimming.

I'm going to die, he thought. I'm going to die right here...

The small evil voice in the back of his head snarled that he didn't deserve it any better, that this was what he had wished for. He couldn't even feel bad for leaving Taehyung like this because some part of him believed the voice. Some part of him thought that finally, finally he would be gone from this world.

Taehyung's face was suddenly above him, he was screaming at him, tears spilling over his cheeks but Yoongi couldn't hear a thing. The beeping sound in his ears was too loud. Guilt spread through his chest and quickly his previous thoughts vanished. He tried talking, tried making his lips form the words I'm fine, even though he wasn't but nothing happened. He desperately tried to stay awake, to move, to do anything at all. But slowly Taehyung's blurry face faded into darkness.

Notes: