When people talk about out of body experiences they often talk about near death experiences in the same breath. The feeling as if one was floating out of their body, some seeing themselves, others not. Yoongi was certain he was experiencing something similar.

Out of body or near death experience - he wasn't sure which one he was living through. Maybe both.

When he awoke he felt like he was floating, swimming. All the pain was gone, he wasn't breathing but that wasn't a problem, he didn't need to. His eyes opened carefully and just like he thought, he was surrounded by water. There were noises around him but he couldn't place them, they all sounded muffled, like they were far away. What the hell was happening?

He couldn't remember everything, all that he knew for sure was that this here wasn't reality. This was a dream. A dream that he had to wake up from. He remembered fighting with Taehyung, remembered that the younger stormed outside and into his parent's car. He could still see his expression; shock and horror written all over his face as the car swerved right into Yoongi. He needed to wake up, needed to tell the other that he was alright, needed to talk to him. Taehyung wouldn't survive like this, Yoongi needed to wake up. He needed to wake up right now.

He looked up and was able to see the surface of the endless water around him. Persons were moving above him, above the water and suddenly Taehyung popped up and Yoongi heard his voice. He still couldn't understand the words but he was sure it was Taehyung speaking to him. He moved, tried to swim towards the blurry face, tried to escape the water, to reach the surface. But with every try he got only sucked deeper into the water until he was once again surrounded by darkness. Completely swallowed by numbness, blindness and deafness.

~

The next time he was conscious of his surroundings felt different. He was breathing, there wasn't any water but softness surrounding him. The noises weren't that muffled anymore. A beeping sound reached his ear, it was rythmically and in the pace of his heartbeat.

He was conscious but unable to move a muscle. No matter how hard he tried his eyes kept shut just like his mouth and he couldn't even bring one finger to twitch. He wasn't alone. Not only heard he the breathing of another person but there was the warmth of another hand that enclosed his own.

"Yoongi..." the voice whispered. "Won't you wake up?" It was a male voice, it sounded strained and like the person had been crying for quite a while. Throat already sore from all the sobbing.

"Why won't you wake up?" The male whimpered and suddenly Yoongi felt the breath of the person right in his face. It seemed that the male had layed his head on Yoongi's shoulder. Hair tickling him and breath hot against the side of his neck.

"Yoongi... I'm really sorry..." It was quiet in the room. Suddenly all Yoongi could hear were the sobs of the person and the tired voice. "Please wake up..." He felt hot tears against his neck and all he wanted to do was reassure the person that he was indeed awake. That he was okay. "Don't die, okay? You just need to open your eyes or... or anything else... Just give me a sign that you're here, that you haven't left me... That I didn't..." Another loud sob interrupted the person's words.

Yoongi wanted to scream it at the top of his lungs. I'm alright! I'm alive! I'm here! But instead of that he felt himself slipping away from the male again. Suddenly everything around him felt lighter, the warmth began to envelope him completely and the touch of the person faded away. He was alone again.

~

This time he slipped back into full consciousness, well, he wasn't completely sure. But he wasn't underwater now but it was soft again. He must be lying in some kind of bed, softness and warmth surrounded him but were accompanied by the sharp smell of santanitizer – hospital smell. This time everything hurt. Literally everything. With every breath he took his whole upper body ached, he had the biggest headache in history and moving wasn't even in consideration. He tried opening his eyes, the bright light immediately stinging and triggering the deathly ache behind his eyelids to intensify.

With a groan he shifted slightly. A mistake. A fucking big mistake. It felt like someone was trying to pull his ribs out of his body and every breath was like having nails in his lungs. The noise he had made must have alerted someone because suddenly there were hands carefully pushing his shoulders back on the bed.

"Yoongi...?" A quiet and muffled voice asked. He tried forming words but only unrecognizable sounds left his lips. His mouth was uncomfortably dry and his throat sore. "You're awake..." The person whispered strained.

With effort Yoongi finally managed to crack his eyes slightly open. The light was still way too bright but at least now he was able to recognize the room around him. White walls, white ceilings, curtains half opened, rainy weather outside. There were flowers on a table beside his bed, two IV lines hooked at his hand and arm, bandages covering the other. He slightly moved his head and fought the urge to vomit while staring at the boy with messy brown hair in front of him. Green Highlights in the strands on his forehead and red rimmed eyes.

"Yoongi..." he whispered with a fresh wave of tears flowing from pretty brown eyes.

"Wh-Who..." Yoongi croaked, voice still cracking slightly. "Who are you?"

The face of the boy fell. A complete look of devastation overtook his features and he looked like he was about to faint. Sobbing ugly next to Yoongi's bed.

"God, shit!" Yoongi cursed. "I'm sorry, sorry I know who you are. Taehyung, it's alright. It was a joke... a joke. Hey, calm down..."

Taehyung was still crying but now he looked angry too. "That's not something you joke about! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

Yoongi knew that, he was just trying to lighten Taehyung's mood. The younger looked maybe even worse than when Yoongi remembered. He wanted the other to know right from the start that he didn't blame him for anything that had happened. That he wasn't angry. Taehyung had a tired appearance, dark bags under his swollen and red eyes. Skin not even pale but almost sickly yellow. He wanted the other to know that he was fine, that everything was alright.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm fine, you see? I'm fine, don't cry please..." Taehyung sat on the bed next to him, laying his head on Yoongi's shoulder, sniffling. "Are... Are you okay?" Yoongi asked concerned. Taehyung just shrugged. "I'm okay... Actually I'm not but physically yeah, I'm okay. And you... are you in pain?"

The no I'm fine almost left Yoongi's lips before he decided against it. "Everything hurts like hell." Taehyung nodded and his hair tickled Yoongi.

"Understandable." The younger stated. "The car hit you pretty hard but the doctors said that you were lucky. You could have been dead." There was a pause in which only the beeping of the machine that showed Yoongi's heartbeat could be heard. "It was still pretty bad," Taehyung continued. "You had a pneumothorax or something, well, you've broken a few ribs and the bones hurt your lungs - you could have died. Ah yeah, broken ribs, pneumothorax, you have a strained wrist and a strained foot. Also, you hit your head pretty hard, there was a huge wound on the back, so much blood came from it... They stitched it up and the doctor said you have a severe concussion. Anything else? Uhm, I mean apart from the bruises you must have everywhere that was it I think. Yeah, lucky, the doctor said." His voice dripped with sarcasm. Lucky.

Yoongi nodded. "I'm sorry..." Taehyung whispered. "It's my fault. I didn't mean to hit you, I didn't mean to hurt you... You could have been dead and it would be my fault alone... I'm so, so sorry." This time the pain in Yoongi's chest wasn't caused by his wounds, it was a prickling sensation that made him feel restless.

"Taehyung... I'm fine, okay? I'm alive, I'm not dead, I'm here, I'm breathing. It was partly my fault, I shouldn't have pressured you like that, I shouldn't have stepped in front of the car. It's okay..." The older searched Taehyung's tired gaze. "But... Do you now see how much help you need? Just, let me help you, please. Because maybe the next time you hurt somebody else or yourself. You need help."

Taehyung wasn't looking at him. His gaze was directed at his trembling fingers, hair falling into his brown eyes. "I don't have a choice anymore... I have to go. Apparently I'm a threat for me and those around me. They gave me a week to sort my things out, get comfortable with leaving home and for waiting for you to wake up. I said I won't go if I'm not sure that you're fine."

"So it's a..." Yoongi couldn't rememeber the word but he had heard it before, when it had been directed at him. He didn't went into hospitalization on his own will, too. After he had woken up in the hospital with bandaged arms and a psychiatrist who insisted on having him hospitalized he had found himself in a clinic. Even though he didn't want to.

"Compulsory hospitalization. I have four days left, tomorrow is already the first session with one of the doctors there. They want to get to know me before they take me in." Taehyung was repeating those words like he was on autopilot. Voice empty and hollow.

"I don't wanna go..." The younger whimpered. "I get it, it's just to help me but that doesn't change the fact that I really don't want to go..."

Yoongi kept his mouth shut. There really wasn't anything that he could tell Taehyung. The younger was aware that he needed help, that he needed to leave but Yoongi knew how hard it was to accept that. He vividly remembered how he felt all those months back. The frustration of being forced to do something that he didn't want to do was up against the knowledge that something had to happen. Just that Taehyung realized earlier how important the psychiatry could be because Yoongi only gained that knowledge after spending two weeks there. After that he had stopped fighting against everything the people there had told him, stopped refusing every help that was offered him.

Taehyung didn't need someone who told him that he had made the right choice. He needed someone who stood behind him and would be there if he would fall, he would be there if the younger was about to give up. Someone who waited for him to come back, someone he could rely on even if he wasn't there.

Yoongi needed to be just that. He didn't have such a person, not right from the beginning. Maybe he could have had one but he had driven everyone away. In the end his parents - well, mostly his mother - took most parts of this role. But he wanted Taehyung to have someone like this from the start. He wanted to be that someone. So, he kept his mouth shut and just sqeezed Taehyung's hand in his.

~

He didn't have to stay long at the hospital. Maybe they didn't want to have him there that long, he really did everything to get disbanded as soon as possible. Not only did he not want to stay there in the slightest, he also made that extremely obvious. Being impolite to almost everyone who came into his room, complained all the time about everything and especially about how he wanted to leave preferably right now. He was there two more days and had to come back for checkups.

Now it was four days since he had woken up and he was sitting behind the steering wheel of his parent's car, a trembling and unusual quiet Taehyung beside him. They were on their way to the psychiatry.

Nine in the morning on a wednesday, the streets weren't exactly empty. It was rather crowdy, Yoongi hated driving when there was so much traffic. But he hated the expression on Taehyung's face even more. The younger stared outside of the window, eyes opened wide and unfocused, biting his bottom lip almost bloody. He had a big panda plushie pressed tightly against his chest.

They arrived and Yoongi almost didn't want to let the other go. The department where Taehyung had to stay was on the first floor of a rather old building, it was one long corridor with tons of doors. Taehyung was timidly following the older as they marched to the middle of the corrider. Through big windows was somekind of office visible, three people sat there doing work on computers.

On their way there they had passed a big room full of tables and chairs, a few people had sat there playing cards. All of them had eyed the foreign two interested.

After Yoongi knocked at the office everything went by rather fast even though they had to wait a long time in a smaller room that was used as some kind of TV room. For Yoongi it felt like the time was running away and in a heartbeat he found himself in front of Taehyung's shared room, ready to say goodbye.

"I'll visit you in the evening." Taehyung just nodded. It was close to three p.m now, it felt like only a minute since they have arrived here in the morning. Yoongi tried to force a small smile on his lips but he must have failed because suddenly Taehyung looked even readier to start crying than before.

"It'll be fine, okay?" Yoongi tried to sound convincing but yeah, no one would believe him.

"I don't know if I'll survive dinner..." Taehyung whispered. His voice sounded like that since they have arrived: Almost emotionless, hollow, more robotic than human. Yoongi didn't like it. "They said they'd take you to dinner, you don't have to go alone..."

Taehyung nodded slowly. Eyes still directed to the floor and lip quivering even more. "I know."

Yoongi really didn't want to leave him here but he had to. To be honest, he wasn't too sure about Taehyung surviving dinner either. Lunch had been way too hard for him, even though they had found something he liked. But Taehyung hadn't been able to sit with the other patients, he was too scared to go into the big room. Fortunately the man who had showed them around allowed him to eat in the TV room but he had to attend dinner in the evening. Alone. Without Yoongi.

"Unpack your things and I'm sure your roommate will be back soon. I'm sure that he's really nice. I'll be leaving now. See you in the evening." Taehyung nodded and Yoongi was sure that he would start crying but the younger didn't. Yoongi saw how much he struggled but he didn't let one tear spill. Fortunately he didn't. Because if he did then Yoongi wouldn't have been able to keep himself in check either. And the last thing he wanted was to cry in front of Taehyung right now.

He left the hospital with heavy steps and an even heavier heart. He knew how hard it would be for the younger and that it wouldn't get easier in the first two weeks or so. After all he had been also through this. He just hoped that Taehyung wouldn't give up after the first days.

~

"I can only leave for thirty minutes. If I want to go longer I have to tell the nurses and I... I'm scared to do that."

In comparison to the rest of the day the evening approached much slower. It almost took forever until Yoongi finally stood in front of the corridor again.

"Come. I'll tell them..." He took Taehyung's hand and together they arrived at the office. Yoongi got permission to leave with Taehyung for an hour and they went down to the small café in the entrance of the building.

It was cold and Taehyung was shivering. As they sat down he immediately slumped over the table, laying his head on his arms, face turned half away from Yoongi. The older was sure that he was holding back tears again. It was long silent between them.

"I brought you something to eat..." Yoongi placed the brown paper bag in front of Taehyung. The younger didn't even glance at it. "How is it?" He asked quietly.

Taehyung sighed deeply and finally turned his head. "Alright, I guess. It's all so scary. But uhm my roommate is nice? His name is Lee Chul, he's a year older than me. I haven't really talked to anyone but a few people asked me at dinner... uhm, questions like 'who are you?' Or 'how old are you?' And something like this..." His voice was tired and Yoongi was sure that he had been crying. He still didn't sound like himself. Looking like all energy had been drained from him and like all he wanted to do was sleep.

"They have like a ton of rules here..." Taehyung continued. "Attendance is mandatory at all meals and you have to be there at least fifteen minutes, no hats on, no phones and it's forbidden to talk about triggering topics... like alcohol, drugs... uhm self-harm, suicide and such...Uhm... Breakfast is at 7.30, lunch at 12.15 and dinner at 6.15... There is always a group meeting at 8.30 in the morning and at 9 we all go out in in the park for half an hour... We can leave for thirty minutes but we have to always write our names down with the time we leave and the time we are back in the book at the entrance... If we wanna go longer than half an hour we have to talk to the nurses... Ah, and before dinner we have to stay in our rooms for an hour - from 5 to 6 p.m - and reflect the day with one of the nurses. They ask us questions mostly about our mood and why it's like that..."

Taehyung made a lot of unnecessary long pauses when he spoke. It was strange. Yoongi wasn't used to a Taehyung who was like that and he was scared that it'll get worse.

"And did you already talk to one of the doctors?" Yoongi asked just to get the other to talk, to hear his voice more, to hope that it would maybe sound a little livelier.

"Yeah," Taehyung nodded absently. "She's really nice, I guess... I don't know... She told me that it could take a while until I really start therapy because the group is full at the moment... And yeah, they didn't expect me, I'm an emergency patient..."

Yoongi knew what that meant. The first three weeks of his stay where also spend with rather unnecessary appointments except the counseling with his doctor. But after that he suddenly had a full plan, rushing from one group to another. It would probably be the same for Taehyung. A very slow start and then suddenly everything would go fast. It was tiring in the beginning, having to wait for something to finally happen but the wait would be worth it. Taehyung just had to endure the beginning.

The hour was over far earlier than Yoongi wished it was. Saying goodbye to Taehyung for the second time today was only getting harder.

"I can't make it tomorrow..." Yoongi trailed off, still holding on Taehyung's hand for dear life.

"I know."

~

The first weeks felt like eternitiy. For both of them. Yoongi was restless, unable to focus on anything his thoughts always trailed to the younger. His insomnia was getting worse, his worrying about Taehyung stood in the way of his sleeping.

It was hard. Really hard. But Taehyung hadn't given up and he was going to keep working, was going to keep trying and that meant that Yoongi couldn't falter either. The older was trying hard too, going out, talking with his parents and over all trying to manage his life. He hadn't mentioned it to Taehyung yet but he was thinking about going back to Seoul, preferably with the younger but right now wasn't the time to talk about that.

"Hello? Taehyung?"

"I'm here, hyung."

Yoongi smiled slightly and pressed his phone tighter against his ear, like that would bring Taehyung closer to him.

"How's it going?" He tried not to sound too interested because he already knew that Taehyung had finally started group therapy and he didn't want the younger to feel pressured to tell him about it.

Taehyung chuckled lightly. Of course he saw right through him. "Well, alright I guess. I'm slowly starting to feel better, it's a lot less scarier now that I've been here for a while-"

"Three weeks."

"Yeah,... three weeks. It feels like it's already been two months..." Taehyung sighed in the phone and Yoongi whished he was right there to hug him.

"But that'll change. In the beginning the time seemed to go slower for me but then suddenly it was already three months over and it felt like I just arrived yesterday." Yoongi explained. It had really been a strange feeling but he could understand if Taehyung didn't believe him right now.

"I guess..." He didn't sound convinced. "Anyway, I've been to Dwd twice already, uhm... Dwd stands for Dealing with depression... And, yeah, it's alright I guess? I mean, I've only been there twice but I think that it'll help me... Next week I have a family counseling, I'm a little nervous..."

"You can be. I was scared shitless before my first counseling with my parents. I hadn't seen them since I've left Daegu and then... yeah, you know what happened. But it'll be okay, you aren't alone." Yoongi was trying to give Taehyung strength but he wasn't the best when it came to words or talking about emotions and he really wasn't a genius when it came to handling other people. It was just really difficult for him.

"I'll call you after, okay?"Taehyung asked. Yoongi only replied after he remembered that Taehyung couldn't see him nodding over the phone.

"And apart from that I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of the people here. I mean, they're all really nice and all but it's still scary talking to them... especially for me..." He made another pause. Yoongi noticed the strange behaviour now more than before. He had never really paid attention to the way Taehyung had talked but now he couldn't help but notice. The younger often stopped talking for seconds, leaving silence to overtake the sound of his voice. Apart from that he often didn't remember what he had talked about, lost it in the middle of a sentence and often wasn't able to follow his thoughts which made it harder for him to voice them.

"I have the task to go out of my room every evening... for at least half an hour... I've been doing that since a week and now, almost every evening some of the other patients invite my to play cards with them... I have a lot of fun with them, really, and they're all so nice but yeah... well, still a little crazy. But I am too, so it's alright. I still have a lot of trouble with learning all the names, it's really confusing..." He chuckled and Yoongi's lips formed a small smile on their own. His heart felt a little lighter after hearing Taehyung's voice not so hollow anymore. He sounded a little livelier.

"I think it's getting a little easier... I hope you'll visit soon..." Now his voice had dropped again, sounding sadder. Yoongi really wished that he could be there right now but he knew that Taehyung had to learn to be independent. Yoongi couldn't visit him everyday, somehow it also was a therapy for him and not only for the younger. He should be able to be away from Taehyung too. They both needed to learn to stand on their own two feet.

"I'll come by the day after tomorrow, okay?" He said faking the cheeriness in his voice. He wasn't sure why, Taehyung always noticed it right away anyway. "And then the weekend is already there and you get to sleep at home. We'll see each other for much longer then."

"I know. Bye hyung."

~

"I can't believe you've already been here for six weeks."

"I can't either." Taehyung laughed. "It feels like I've just arrived yesterday."

Yoongi chuckled and turned to look at Taehyung on the floor. "Didn't I say so? I told you time would fly after the first weeks."

Taehyung hummed in agreement. "But," he said. "I think it's mostly because this is so much more different than I was used to and now I'm in a new routine. I hardly remember what day of the week it is and I can't remember the date for shit. You forget time here. It's just living one day after the other."

Yoongi laughed too, hiding his smile behind his hand he stared at the ceiling. Bright lights flooding his vision. He opened his mouth to say something but another voice - not belonging to Taehyung - interrupted him.

"Why are you on the floor?" It was a soft male voice. Yoongi looked up and the face of a guy who couldn't be older than him stared back, cigarette hanging from his lips and lighter between his fingers.

Taehyung had already craned his neck to look up at the guy and oh - even more patients. The group of smokers all looked at them curiously and Yoongi felt a flush creep up his neck. In the past Taehyung would be mortified of such a situation. He would be embarrassed as hell and would have run away, hiding. But now he was just laughing at the other's and half turned on his side he answered them.

"Sometimes you have to see the world from another perspective." The other's just smiled fondly at him and continued their way to the staircase. Yoongi smiled too. He saw how Taehyung had already evolved and he saw how the younger noticed that too.

"I wish you could stay longer..." He whsipered and Yoongi rolled over on the seats he was lying on to look down at Taehyung. The younger had resumed his former position, lying spread out on his back and staring at the ceiling from the floor.

"Me too..."

Suddenly Taehyung groaned loudly and curled in on himself. Looking a little like he tried to be a ball, with the way he rolled from side to side, still making those noises of complaint. "What's wrong with you?" Yoongi asked with a playful tilt in his voice.

"I'm stressed." Taehyung responded and let go of his knees, lying flat on his back again. "I have family counseling next friday and... my father is coming."

Yoongi raised his eyebrows in confusion, he finally sat back up. "But didn't you have counseling with your parents just yesterday?" Taehyung nodded and also got up on his feet. Brushing non existent dust from his sweatpants. "Then why do you have anoth-"

"Don't you have to catch your bus?"

Yoongi's eyes flickered to the clock hanging above them. If he went now he'd still have to wait for at least ten minutes. He didn't need to leave now. "...Yeah..." He said despite that and started putting on his jacket. If the younger wanted to avoid the topic, then he wouldn't pressure him about it. Taehyung was staring at the floor, playing with his fingers and nervously chewing on his bottom lip.

"Well," he mumbled. "See you next time...?" His sentence sounded more like a question than a statement. Taehyung nodded and send him a blinding smile before hugging him until he wasn't able to breathe properly.

Yoongi went down the stairs, mind still thinking about the way Taehyung had suddenly avoided the topic he had brought up himself. It didn't make any sense.

~

Yoongi tiredly opened the door of his parent's house and found his mother sitting in the kitchen. A plate of warmed up dinner at the seat across from her. "Hey." He greeted and startled her.

"How's Taehyung?" She asked, face serious despite the not too obvious signs of tiredness. She looked better now. Yoongi knew it was because he was getting better. When he came here and even before he had worried his mother all the time, now he was really working hard to get his life together. That also lifted a weight from her shoulders.

"Getting better." He answered shortly and sat down at the kitchen table. "But he was acting strange today..." His mother eyed him interested. After swallowing the first bite of his meal he continued explaining. "He is worried about his counseling with his father on friday but he already had counseling with his parents, yesterday even. Why does he now have it with only his father and what is stressing him about that? And! He totally avoided the topic when I tried to ask about it. I just don't understand it," Yoongi sighed frustrated. "I feel like he's keeping something from me."

His mother was biting her fingernails, a habit of hers. She was thinking about doing something but wasn't sure if she should. In the end she caught his gaze and with a soft sigh began speaking. "Well, I can only guess here but... Maybe Taehyung meant his real father."

That didn't explain anything. Yoongi was just more confused than before. "What? Real fa- What do you mean?"

"Real was maybe the wrong term... his biological father. Taehyung's parents divorced when he was nine year's old, I think - you really paid no attention to anything as a kid, did you? - and about two year's later the man you now know as his 'father' moved in with them. I guess the counseling could be with his biological father, I also don't know much but they aren't exactly on good terms. Not anyone of Taehyung's family is on real good terms with him."

"Ah..." Yoongi couldn't find the right words to say. He really didn't notice anything about a divorce and a new guy moving in at the house across the street. He had never questioned that the man he now knew was Taehyung's real father. He totally acted like that. Taehyung had already told him so much, why did he never say anything about this?

Somehow it made Yoongi feel... well, he didn't really know how it made him feel. Not good. Hurt. Maybe hurt was the closest thing to what made his heart clench. But he shouldn't feel hurt. Taehyung had every right to keep things from him, he didn't need to tell him everything. But still, Yoongi felt like the younger trusted him enough to do just that. Apparently he had been wrong.

"Are you alright?" The gentle voice of his mother pulled him out of his thoughts. He nodded, gaze still a little unfocused and without another word he left for his room.

The picture Taehyung drew of him stood on his window still. He eyed it for a long time before taking it down to open the window and sit on the still. Cold night air flowing through his nose and filling his lungs, leaving an icy feeling behind.

Why hadn't Taehyung trusted him with that? Maybe he also felt a little betrayed, after all he had told Taehyung everything. Everything. (Now at least.) And he had expected to know everything about the younger too. Now that he didn't it felt like there was an unbalance between them. That Taehyung knew more than him and had kept something intentionally from him. Had he even planned on telling him at all?

Yoongi didn't know. And that uncertainty made his skin crawl. Of course he had things - one thing - he kept from Taehyung. He still hadn't told the younger that he thought about moving back to Seoul. But this was different. He still wasn't sure and if he wanted to move back he would do it with Taehyung, together. It was another kind of secret.

Yoongi sighed deeply.

In a swift motion he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed Taehyung's number without a second thought. It rung around three times when he heard the other's voice through the speakers. "Yoongi?" He asked confused.

"Your mother told my mother and she told me..." Yoongi began in a strong voice. Then, softer. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

Taehyung was quiet for twoc awfully stretched minutes before finally drawing in a deep breath and talking. "Look, I know it's - actually I don't know. I don't have to tell you everything. I have the right to decide what to tell you and what not." He sounded offended but also... well, weak. Like he didn't really believe what he said. Like that wasn't the real reason he had kept that a secret.

"I know... but still. I understand that it's obviously difficult but you could tell me all the other things too... Why not this...?" He trailed off at the end. Taehyung took his time to answer again.

"I... I just didn't want to talk about it. I don't like... I don't even like thinking about him. You see, my father and I, we... we don't have the best relationship..." Yoongi wished he could see Taehyung's expression right now. Because he couldn't judge his voice that good, it got monotone again and he may have detected a small sliver of sadness and anger. But he couldn't be sure over the phone.

"I mean," Taehyung continued. "We used to be really close, well considerably. He worked a lot when I was a kid but I still considered myself closer to him than to my mother. He always put me to sleep... I had a lot of nightmares as a kid and was always afraid to fall asleep... So, he sat at my bed and waited for me to sleep and when I woke up in the middle of the night my mother always brought me up into his room..."

He took another deep breath and waited for a few seconds. Yoongi let him. He didn't want to rush the other. "As long as I can remember my parents had seperate bedrooms. My father snores really badly and my mother just couldn't sleep. Back then I believed all that but now I think it might have been something more. I mean, there had always been something wrong with their marriage. The divorce was inevitable. And I... I kind of expected it... not the divorce but I always...'felt' that something wasn't right. And I think it was a relief for me when it finally came to their break up..."

His voice was extremely quiet, Yoongi had almost problems understanding him. "For my siblings it was hell. I think they're still sad but I... I think I wasn't even that sad, not angry, not anything but... relieved. But I lost my father as a constant in my life. I lost the man who waited for me to fall asleep, who took me outside at night when my skin hurt so bad I was banging my head against the wall. I lost the man who always read me stories, who let me sleep in his bed... But I also learned that this was all our relationship really was... Just that, nothing more. And a year later he threw me and my siblings into a new family, just like that."

Taehyung's voice came out strained now, like he was holding back... tears? "I don't like his new wife and I don't like her children. I hated it with them and she just couldn't understand me at all. She expected everyone to be a certain kind of way and I just couldn't do that, especially with my eating and anxiety. And... yeah, my father was on her side. I used to get speeches about how impolite I am, how I wasn't even trying to cooperate, how my bad mood was ruining everyone's day... He was never on my side, never tried to understand me. We tried talking about it but I couldn't... I just couldn't speak with him. I couldn't tell him what I really thought, what I really felt... And he, he is good at talking a whole lot. In the end I just gave up because all our talks evolved into a monologue of him. I was tired of trying and just gave up... just stopped visiting him and as time went by we almost completely lost contact."

Yoongi's fingers were slowly getting numb from the cold but he didn't mind. "I see him maybe twice a year. He visits on my brother's birthday and on the one of my sister... It's not like he doesn't want to visit me on mine but my sister has her birthday two days after me and he just doesn't want to come twice. He doesn't live in Seoul... It still hurts... that he's not visiting on my birthday. Because I kind of miss him... I'm glad my mother remarried because I missed having a father, I just didn't want someone like my real father... It's difficult for me talking about him, I would have told you some day... I just couldn't in the past."

"I see..." Yoongi whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

They talked the rest of the evening about pointless things and Yoongi went to sleep with a better feeling.

Taehyung did trust him.

~

"How was it?"

"With my father?"

"No, I meant your lunch - of course with your father!"

Taehyung giggled and if it wasn't the cutest thing Yoongi ever had the pleasure of hearing over the phone. He had been a little on edge since yesterday. He had texted the younger after the counseling and asked how it went but the only reply he got was a simple 'Don't'. Of course he gave Taehyung his space but he really really wanted to be sure that the other was alright.

"It was... good and bad." Taehyung stated. "I mean, I've gotten to say a few things I weren't able to say before but he was... he was himself and that was difficult. Really difficult but yeah, alright I guess. I'm glad my therapist was there too or he probably wouldn't have stopped talking about himself and I wouldn't have said a word. But, yeah, I don't really wanna talk about it too much. He'll come again."

"Okay." Yoongi said drawing out the 'y'. "When will you be home?"

"The bus is here in two minutes, so about half an hour?"

"See you then." Yoongi snickered. He was excited to see the younger again even though he had visited him in the last days.

"See you." At least he knew that Taehyung was as excites as him.

~

"Yoongi, you know I have therapy in five minutes!" Taehyung whined through the speakers. After nine weeks of him being there, Yoongi knew his schedule by heart.

"Yeah," the older chuckled. "That's why I called. I need you to tell your therapist something."

"What is it?" Taehyung asked, voice laced with curiosity. Yoongi gulped. Telling Taehyung his plan made it all that real. Then he had to see it through. His stomach clenched in response to that thought.

"Tell her that you won't sleep at home. Tell her that you'll spend the weekend in Seoul - with me."