It was around nine in the morning when Yoongi picked Taehyung up from a bus stop somewhere in Daegu. A cloud of silence enveloped them as they sat in the car. Yoongi was insistently staring ahead, both hands gripping the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles were turning white. Taehyung was nervously chewing on his bottom lip and was sneakingly stealing glances at the older boy. The only noise was the sound of the car engine.

Yoongi knew that the question probably burned Taehyung's tongue but he was thankful that the other still kept quiet. Fighting against the urge to speak. It wasn't right. He knew that. It was his luck that Taehyung trusted him so selflesssly, that he had agreed to accompany him to Seoul without knowing the reason why.

The drive would take a little more than three hours, more than enough time to explain everything to the younger. Still, Yoongi kept his lips tightly shut until Taehyung's squirming was unbearable, until the younger just couldn't stand the silence anymore.

"Yoongi," he whispered, as if he was afraid to disturb the quietness between them. "Why are we going to Seoul?" He asked it quietly, carefully. Like Yoongi was a wild animal that could be scared and flee because of the tiniest noise. Maybe that was true.

The older sighed once, letting the air flow through his mouth into his lungs and out of his nose again. "We're visiting someone." Taehyung nodded once, it was obvious that he wasn't satisfied with the answer.

"I told you about my two friends from university, right?" Yoongi continued, the younger nodded enthusiastically. "Well, we're going to see them."

Taehyung nodded thoughtfully. "And why do you take me with you?" He asked and immediately continued to explain. "Not that I don't want to be here!"

Yoongi chuckled, gaze still not leaving the road, in the corner of his eyes he saw Taehyung squirming in his seat. "It's alright." He reassured the younger. "I need someone to stop me from fleeing. I need someone who forces me to go through with my apology."

He risked one glance at the younger just to find him looking already. "Kim Seokjin and Kim Namjoon - That are their names. I've met them when I started university, Namjoon was in one of my music courses and Seokjin had worked in the campus café. They've been already roommates when I befriended them, they know each other since childhood. I never understood why they accepted me as a friend but there must have been something because..."

He stopped talking for a second, recollecting himself before continuing. "Because even though I've been horrible to them, they never left me alone. I think it was just too much for me to handle back then, too unbelievable for me to have not one but two people who were completely behind me. Back then I believed I was alone and they always proved me wrong but I couldn't handle that. I was miserable, either I was angry and yelled at them that I hated them, that they should just go away and die or I was just not talking at all. Like a doll. I remember sitting in my messy appartment, not eating for days and just staring at a wall, while both of them came often to check on me but I never interacted with them. I let them be and when they dared to tell me that I needed help, I just got angry again."

Remembering all this was hard. Yoongi gripped the steering wheel tighter, biting his lip and holding back tears. He felt Taehyung's warm hand suddenly massaging his thigh and shakily exhaled the air he had been holding.

"They don't even know what happened to me, for them I just disappeared suddenly... I hadn't seen them since... since two weeks when I attempted suicide and then I woke up in the hospital, I didn't dared to come crawling back to them. I know they probably hate me but still, still I need to apologize to them. I hope they'll accept it but if what I did, didn't change their behaviours, then I'm sure they'll accept it. They were always too kind hearted for this cruel world, especially Seokjin."

Taehyung stayed quiet, he just nodded at Yoongi's words. "You can do it."

The 'I hope so' Yoongi had whispered in respone was swallowed by the sound of the engine.

~

The old big building didn't look like eight months ago but it still felt so familiar that it sent a shiver down Yoongi's spine. The facade wasn't so dirty anymore, it must have gotten repainted. The door was open and the sprained glass was replaced. Still, slightly different, it still awoke tons of meomries in Yoongi. They entered the building in silence. Yoongi tucked Taehyung away from the name plates, he remembered exactly where the appartement was.

The younger pulled him towards the elevator but before the doors could open, Yoongi stepped back. He remembered how Seokjin had always teased him and Namjoon for never taking the stairs. "This is why you have so skinny legs and why you gained those two kilos!" he used to laugh. In the end they had always left the elevator to shut the oldest up.

The stairs were still dusty, nobody ever cleaned here except for Seokjin. But, to quote him 'he wasn't the slave of these people and wouldn't get rid of their dirt too'. But the oldest never liked messes, it bothered him. Once Yoongi and Namjoon had found him in the middle of the night aggressively sweeping outside of their appartement. A slightly disturbing sight that they would never forget.

Yoongi and Taehyung climbed the staircase, the staircase where so much had happened. So much Yoongi remembered now. Like that one time Namjoon had aced a test he thought he'd fail and they had their own kind of celebration party. Those parties normally consisted of too much cheap alcohol, pizza delivery and late night TV. Many stupid decisions were made like that. And the one of that night was definitely in the top ten.

Yoongi smiled as his gaze caught on the result of that night. A dent in the wall. Namjoon's natural clumsiness combined with too much alcohol, pizza and Seokjin's teasing comments had led to one of the stupidest bets, Yoongi ever had the honor of witnessing.

Why the hell had the fucking philosophy major Namjoon with an IQ of 148 thought, it would be one hell of a good idea to bet with Seokjin how many flights of stairs he could ride down on a skateboard?! Why the hell did they even own a skateboard in the first place?

To answer the question, it was a half flight and that only because they were generous. Namjoon really was just tumbling down the stairs. He had broken his hand that night and Seokjin almost fell down the stairs because he laughed too hard. Yoongi on the other hand had casually observed everything, still had the recorded video somewhere on his laptop and had seriously questioned his choice of friends.

They arrived in the third story and Yoongi's gaze froze on the hallway before him. He slowly led Taehyung until they reached the right appartement.

Kim N. & Kim S. stood on the plate right next to the very same door Yoongi had walked through so often. Back then the wooden green door had looked inviting but right now he could only describe it as threatening. It looked so familiar that it felt foreign again, like he didn't belong here anymore. The blood was rushing in his ears and he was swaying a little on his feet, heart beating in his throat and stomach dropping to the floor. He was so freaking scared, maybe this hadn't been a good idea after all. They must hate him, there wasn't any other option, with the way he treated them and how he never even let them know that he was still alive, they must hate him.

He glanced at Taehyung, the younger stared at him expectantly. With a shaking fist he knocked on the door, three times and after that he immediatly turned around and announced "Too bad, they're not home. Let's go!"

"Wait-" Taehyung exclaimed and held him by the sleeve when the door opened. Yoongi didn't knew who it was, his back was still turned but he couldn't help but freeze up. The feeling of anxiety was suddenly completely gone and was replaced by... by emptiness? He felt like he wasn't in his own body, like he was just part of an audience watching all of this. Slowly he turned around like he was on autopilot. Hearing someone with Seokjin's voice asking. "What do you wa-" And watching as the older male's face, that looked just like eight months ago, fell. "Yoongi..." the other breathed. And like someone had punched him the mint haired boy was back in his own body.

He couldn't say anything, couldn't do anything, could just watch as one tear rolled over Seokjin's cheek. "Come in..." the oldest whispered and took a step back, letting them both inside. Taehyung was politely greeting him and introducing himself but Seokjin wasn't able to listen too well. He was completely focused on Yoongi.

Slowly he made his way inside. Looking at all this, the place he used to stay at so much, the place he had called a second home brought him almost to tears, almost. They sat down on the couch, just to be sure Yoongi looked under one of the pillows and yeah, it was the same couch. The same couch that had the big fat patch of tomato sauce on it. Namjoon had spilled it after winning an argument with Seokjin if he was allowed to eat spaghetti on the couch or not – needless to say he was now permitted to even enter the living room with anything food related. Yoongi smiled at the memory.

"Namjoon should be home soon." Seokjin awkwardly whispered. It was like he was talking more to himself than to the other two. Like he wasn't able to believe that Yoongi was really there. "Well, he should have been home fifteen minutes ago but he was never good when it came to being on time." And as if on cue the front door opened, immediately followed by a loud thud and a pained groan.

"I'm alright!" Namjoon's voice shouted from the hallway. "But whose freaking shoes are standing right in the wa- Yoongi..."

It was definitely awkward. All four of them were frozen in their spot. Taehyung sitting next to Yoongi and sqeezing his hand reassuringly, Seokjin unmoving but gaze darting between Yoongi and Namjoon back and forth. While the last male to arrive was in the door, one shoe on his foot, the other next to him and he was just staring at Yoongi. Staring, staring, staring.

He almost looked like all those months ago. Hair no longer pinkish but a bleached silvery. It looked better than the pink and everything looked better than those ridiculously styled black dread locks or whatever that was, that he had when they first met. Yoongi still had pictures of that hairstyle on his laptop. Because back then he and Seokjin had decided to never let the youngest of their group of friends live that hairstyle down. Yoongi smiled slightly at the memory but also felt the pain that immediately clenched his heart.

"Hi..." He breathed and with only one word the spell was broken. Namjoon was right in front of him, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him. "You're alive!" He almost laughed out. There wasn't a tint of happiness in his words, just relief.Yoongi didn't know what to expect, not this. He had expected both of them to be angry, to yell at him, hell, he had expected at least one punch from either of them. But nothing like that was happening.

Seokjin was pulling Namjoon back now, making him sit down next to him. His face was still blank, staring at Yoongi like he was looking right through him. Taehyung was squeezing his hand again and Yoongi was sure that the younger wore a reassuring smile on his lips but he couldn't look. He took a deep breath and sqeezed back.

"Hi...again..." He breathed and caught the gaze of Namjoon. "It hasn't changed in here..." He let his eyes rake over the living room. It was really all the same, well, one detail was missing. He only noticed now and at first he didn't know why the one empty place on the shelf was bugging him. Until he remembered what used to be there. A picture of them, all three of them. A rare one where Yoongi was smiling at the camera, Seokjin's arm around his shoulder and Namjoon's head popping up at the left corner. It wasn't there anymore. His heart clenched.

"Maybe it changed a little..." He whispered smiling but he knew that the corners of his mouth were trembling, that everyone could tell how fake that smile was.

"Well..." Seokjin mumbled. "You've been gone for what? Eight months?... What did you expect... of course it would change a little..." Yoongi nodded, the burning behind his eyelids intensifying.

"Why are you here?" Seokjin's voice was laced with sadness, betrayal, disappointment.

Before Yoongi got the chance to answer, Namjoon spoke. "What he means," he explained while softly rubbing Seokjin's knee. "Is: Why are you here only now? Why didn't you contact us sooner?"

Seokjin shivered. His blank face wasn't that blank anymore. His eyes were teary and his mouth pulled downwards, he looked pitiful. "I thought... I wasn't- I couldn't - You were just... gone!" His voice was trembling and Yoongi's throat closed up. He couldn't form any words, wasn't even sure if he was breathing or not.

"You worried us..." Namjoon weakly said. "You... You just..."

"I'm sorry..." Yoongi croaked, voice hoarse. "I'm really sorry... I didn't - I didn't want to cause trouble, I was sure you hated me... I couldn't bring myself to come back to you two after I -"

"Bullshit!" Seokjin yelled and shot up from the couch. He was grabbing Yoongi's collar now, pulling the younger up. "Nothing of that mattered! We were your friends, we didn't care about that! We would have taken you back without the blink of an eye... But you... You never bothered to inform us that you were even still alive! How cruel can you be?! How can you just disappear after I found you like that?!"

Seokjin was breathing hard. Fierce eyes burning holes in Yoongi's skull. "... Found - Found me like what?" He asked confused.

"Like what?" Seokjin echoed, all anger vanished from his words. He sounded exhausted. "I'll tell you how I found you after we haven't seen you on campus for almost two weeks... I just came to check on you, because I didn't care about what you said to me. I didn't care that you yelled at me to keep out of your life, to leave you alone... I didn't care that you told me you hated me, that you never wanted to be my friend, that I should just disappear... I didn't care because I knew it wasn't true..."

His voice had gotten quieter, softer and he was slowly releasing Yoongi from his strong grip. "And when I arrived at your appartement it looked horrible, I couldn't find you at first... You had been in the bathroom... Fully clothed in your bathtub..." His voice trembled, tears pouring over his cheeks. Yoongi gulped. He knew what Seokjin was talking about and suddenly he felt sick. Like he was going to vomit every moment, his head was spinning, thoughts racing but the other just kept talking and talking. Yoongi wasn't even sure that he was still in this room, he felt lightheaded. Seokjin's words just continued and continued.

"You were half under water, eyes closed... water tinted red from... from the - the blood pouring out of your arms... it was so much... so much blood, everywhere... You already looked dead... I see that Yoongi, I see exactly that picture everytime I close my eyes. I have nightmares about this... The last time I saw you was when they tried to bring you back while putting you in the ambulance car... After that... nothing... Your appartement got rented again and you just disappeared... You were just gone, just like that and I was almost sure you were dead. Because I thought you would never go that low. I never thought you would just leave like that, without a word. Without letting us know that... that..."

It was quiet between them for solid five minutes, the only sound being Seokjin's occasional sniffle. "...I'm sorry..." Yoongi whispered finally, he couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Sorry doesn't cut it." Namjoon stated, his gaze was hard even though his face was pulled into a mix between sadness and happiness. "But... But you finally coming here after all this proves that you're really sorry and I - I hope that you won't disappear after this again."

"If you want me to stay..." Yoongi trailed off. "I'm better now. After... after that 'incident', I instantly got hospitalized and spent the next months in psychiatry. I never knew who found me, how I ended up in hospital. I never questioned it too much." He locked eyes with Seokjin, trying to express how sorry he was with his eyes. He knew that he'd never be able to express his feelings in words properly.

"I'm still learning to deal with myself but yeah, I'm better and I'm not alone." He explained while grabbing Taehyung's hand again. Namjoon's gaze followed his movements and it seemed like he finally realized that Taehyung was a real person who was also in this room. He raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"And who even is that?" His words came out harsher than intended and Taehyung flinched a little, shrinking in his seat. But despite that he opened his mouth to speak, squeezing Yoongi's hand again. "My name is Kim Taehyung, I'm living across from Yoongi-"

"So, he's your neighbour?" Seokjin interrupted Taehyung who just glanced at him before continuing to talk.

"Well," he said. "He's not just my 'neighbour', he's the reason why my friends didn't have to suffer through the same thing as you." He directly looked at Seokjin who bit his lip. "I - I wouldn't be here without him, I don't really wanna talk about it but let's say if it wasn't for him, the last months would have killed me. He's more than a neighbour and yeah..."

Seokjin smiled fondly at them before talking. "That's a dramatic way to say that he's your boyfriend." He commented with a knowing smirk. Taehyung stumbled over his words while yelling But it's true!

"So, Yoongi has a boyfriend." Namjoon declared, eyeing Seokjin amused. "You owe me twenty."

Seokjin groaned but he was smiling. "Yeah, yeah but we made that bet like, ages ago!" Namjoon shook his head in disagreement. "Maybe so, but you still owe me. Not my fault that you said he'd get a girlfriend, I was right and you were not!"

Yoongi watched their exchange amused and suddenly he felt like he was back at university. Like he had just left Daegu a few weeks ago and he had still felt great in the new city, like he had just known Namjoon and Seokjin for a few weeks but could already call them his friends. Like they were back in the old times, sitting together, joking and making comments about everything and anything. Suddenly the air had lost all it's tension and his anxiety slowly died down. It was always amazing how well those two could handle awkward situations. How well they coped with Yoongi - still. He was thankful, so thankful.

They didn't hate him. They were willing to take him back. They were still his friends. They fell so easily back in their old joking dynamics. Like Yoongi had never left, like they never stopped seeing each other. His heart clenched and for the first time today it wasn't because of guilt. He felt the little bit of happiness creeping up inside of him and he couldn't fight the small smile on his lips.

"I made a lot of mistakes." Yoongi admitted. "But I want to make them up to you. I want to be your friend again, a real friend."

"Of course!" Seokjin choked out and before Yoongi could draw in another breath there were two pairs of arms wrapped around him and Taehyung's laugh was right beside him. His heart was swelling in his chest. There was only one thing left to say. But that could wait - should wait for a better time and place.

~

It was only logical that they had to leave again, still, Yoongi found himself wishing he could stay a little longer. "I hope you'll visit us again soon." Seokjin urged with a smile on his lips, Namjoon nodded along and Yoongi found himself smiling too.

"If everything works out the way I want it to, we'll see each other a lot in the future." They both laughed and nodded enthusiastically. Yoongi noticed the way Taehyung eyed him in confusion but the younger didn't comment on the situation, so Yoongi stayed quiet too. He wanted to postpone this conversation for as long as possible.

"We'll look forward to seeing you again, too." Namjoon told Taehyung before they entered the car. The youngest send Namjoon a blinding smile before also waving goodbye through the rear mirror. Yoongi saw their figures shrinking behind them and his heart felt a little heavier but Taehyung was there to make him feel better almost instantly.

The younger, now more confident because the tension was lost, began playing around with the radio station. He sang loudly along to every song he heard and no matter how often Yoongi changed the station, Taehyung seemed to know the lyrics to every fucking song. So, Yoongi finally gave up and just laughed along to Taehyung's own karaoke show. At least the younger was in a good mood. Jamming to every new kpop song that came on the station.

Yoongi thought that Taehyung had forgotten about his confusion over the older's words but after roughly two hours, the younger suddenly lowered the volume of the music. Instinctively Yoongi gripped the steering wheel tighter, bracing himself for what Taehyung had to say.

"What did you mean?" He asked like the question had just appeared in his head again, expression expectant and interested but Yoongi saw the tiny bit of worry through it all.

"When?" He played dumb. Taehyung knew that but he explained it despite that. "When you told them that you'll see them a lot in the future. Seoul is three hours away..." He trailed off.

Yoongi sighed. So much for postponing. How should he explain this to Taehyung without making him angry, without making him worry, without making him feel... feel betrayed? "I... I was thinking about moving back... back to Seoul."

Wrong! Wrong start! Yoongi realized as Taehyung's face fell, the look of hurt, anger and betrayal obvious in his eyes. "What?!" He gasped but before he could continue Yoongi cut him off. He couldn't let this get even more confusing, couldn't let this get out of hand.

"Listen, okay, just listen. Let me finish before you jump to conclusions." He took a deep breath. How was he going to clear this up? "First of all, it's still only a thought, a wish maybe. I was thinking about it for a few weeks now, okay, don't flip out. I don't want to leave you behind... I was hoping that - uhm - that you'd come with me. That we'd move together to Seoul. I don't want to go alone, I won't leave if you don't come with me. Don't worry."

"Yoongi!" The younger whined. "Why are you saying this?!" His answer did nothing to clear Yoongi's confusion, what did he do wrong now? "You're basically telling me that I have to decide if you get your wish or not! That's not fair. It's like I have to decide if you're going to be happy or not. Its unfair of you to make me decide if you do what you want - what would make you happy - or not..."

"I didn't mean it like that..." Yoongi whispered.

"I know..." Taehyung said strained, he was turned away from Yoongi, looking out of the window. They were passing rich green meadows. Spring was in full bloom outside of the car but inside it felt chilly. Still like winter. Cold. "But still, I don't think I can answer that now..."

"...okay... I understand that and...I'm sorry."

Taehyung nodded. "I'm gonna sleep now, wake me up when we're there."

Yoongi couldn't answer, he didn't trust his voice when he was busy fighting against the burning behind his eyelids.