FOUR DAYS UNTIL NEW YEARS

Jeongguk goes home the next day and immediately proceeds to lock himself in his room. He turns off his phone. Shuts out his friends and the world around him. Only comes out to use the bathroom and doesn't eat once. Just the thought of food makes him nauseous. He's tired, terribly so, but sleep evades him. Every time he closes his eyes, the nightmares are waiting for him. It's been awhile since he's had them but the fight with Taehyung (if he can even call it that) and his father reminding him—once again—that his existence is an abomination seems to trigger them again.

He dreams of Taehyung dressing him down. Peels off his clothes and his skin, sees the bruises underneath, and reels back in horror before he runs out the door. He dreams of an endless black sky without a star in sight, just a full blood moon casting an eerie glow across a barren wasteland where he's alone. In the distance Hoseok, Jimin and Yoongi stare at him, faces blank and devoid of emotion. Wordlessly, they turn around, holding hands and begin to walk away. Jeongguk tries to yell for them, to chase after them, but no matter how fast his legs carry him he can never catch up. Not even once do they turn to glance back at him.

He runs, and runs and before he knows it the ground beneath him opens up and he's falling. When he hits solid ground he's on the kitchen floor of the house back in Busan, his father towers over him with his fists clenched. An imposing figure with hatred in his eyes.

"What did I tell you?" he hisses. "You are no son of mine!"

In his nightmares, Jeongguk's always left behind. Alone.

And when he jolts awake in cold sweat he always feels sick to his stomach. If he's able to prevent himself from throwing up he turns on his side and curls into a ball and tries to will the nausea away. What's the point of sleeping anymore? He often stares up at the ceiling instead.

As the days count down, he lives his life like this: in constant panic, fear, and self loathing. He no longer finds himself second guessing the arrival of the end of the year. He realizes that he had been blinded by false hope. He'd witness Yoongi's happiness and thought that maybe he could have that too, but reality is like a slap in the face. He can't believe that he had been foolish.

He thinks that maybe it's time to let go.

THREE DAYS UNTIL NEW YEARS

Hoseok returns the next day and it isn't long before he's knocking at Jeongguk's door. He's all bright eyes and wide smiles. The effects of the holiday spirit still lingers. He's too radiant and Jeongguk is too tired for this, but he moves aside and lets Hoseok in anyway.

He talks about his holiday with such enamor. His eyes sparkle and he makes dramatic motions with his hands when he tells Jeongguk about how his dad had bought his sister a baby ferret. He talks about how his mom had cried the moment he walked into the house, and there's such a fondness in the way that he talks about his family. Usually, Jeongguk would be jealous, but he can't bring himself to feel anything right now. Can't even pretend that he cares.

Hoseok notices and falters at his lack of interest. "Are you okay, Guk? You seem kind of off."

Jeongguk shrugs, his face a mask of indifference. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Did it not go so well at home or something?" Hoseok asks with a slight frown, brows furrowed.

He shrugs once again. "It was fine, I guess."

Hoseok hesitates. Slowly, he says, "you know that you can talk to me right? If something happened back home..."

Jeongguk knows that he shouldn't be upset by this, but he's been having nightmares for the past few days and the last thing he wants to be reminded of is his shitty father. The anger bubbles up inside of him and now he's getting all worked up over it. "I said it was fine!" he snaps. "I never said I had a bad relationship with my parents so stop asking."

Hoseok blinks, eyes wide and mouth parted in shock. Jeongguk immediately flushes in embarrassment and looks away.

"I'm sorry." He bites his lower lip. Shoulders tense and all wound up like a slingshot. "I'm just kinda burnt out. I didn't mean to snap at you like that."

It's an obvious lie but Hoseok doesn't push him. "I understand." Hoseok's always so gentle. Always so patient. "But if you ever want to talk about anything you know that I'm always here for you, right?"

Jeongguk nods, suddenly finding himself unable to speak. It's been the worst week of his life and he wants to tell Hoseok the truth. Hyung, I want to die. He wants to scream it from the top of his lungs because maybe then he could stop hurting like this. But it sticks to his lungs and he can't wish it away. Can't open his mouth and tell the truth, and it's so frustrating.

Why can he be honest with Yoongi but not with Hoseok, the person who's been there for him since the beginning? He's the clueless one amongst their friends and Jeongguk knows that Hoseok deserves to know, but he's terrified. He isn't a stranger to loss—hasn't held anything solid in the palm of his hand since Mingyu had punched him in the face, but he's terrified of losing Hoseok. It's the kind of fear that shakes him to his very core. Even till the bitter end, he's still afraid.

"—guk?"

"Hm?" Jeongguk blinks. Realizes that he's been spacing out.

Hoseok looks like he really wants to bring the subject back up, discontent and concern clear on his face, but he bites his tongue instead. "I said, my old friends Namjoon and Seokjin are throwing a New Years party in a couple of days. Come with me? Maybe it'll help lift your spirits. Jimin's dragging Yoongi along too."

Jeongguk opens his mouth, ready to decline Hoseok's offer because he hates parties and he's too miserable to be around people and pretend to be okay, but then he thinks that maybe going isn't such a bad idea. It'd be nice to be able to see his friends for one last time.

"Fine," he agrees reluctantly. And then to lighten the mood, "but you can't throw up in any plants again."

"That was one time!"

He'll miss this.

TWO DAYS UNTIL NEW YEARS

Jeongguk finds out that he and Taehyung share the same birthday the next day when he's sprawled out on the couch, browsing aimlessly through Netflix, bored and numb out of his mind. He tries to distract himself from thinking about Taehyung too much, which proves to be nearly impossible when he hasn't left his apartment since he returned from Busan.

He had turned his phone back on so that his friends would stop freaking out, though they seem to be under the impression that Jeongguk just needs some space and haven't bothered to text him all that much. When his phone screen lights up beside him, he sees that it's a text from Hoseok.

Seokie hyung <3
So today is tae's bday
And we're gonna go out to eat and drink a bit to celebrate. U down?

Jeongguk purses his lips. Taehyung must have not told their friends anything about what happened between them.

Me
Sorry hyung but i'm busy
Maybe next time!!!

Seokie hyung <3
Yeah it was super short notice but i understand :) we should have told u earlier
Jeongguk's about to assure Hoseok that it's okay and make another shitty excuse as to why he can't go just so it won't be completely obvious that he's avoiding Taehyung, but then his phone chimes again and when he sees the name at the top of the screen his heart stops.

Taehyung
Hey its my birthday today
I'd like to see you.
How was your christmas?

Jeongguk watches the text bubble appear and disappear for an entire minute before the next message comes through.

Taehyung
I miss you.

He rereads the last text over and over again. Commits it to memory and it plays in a loop in his head. I miss you. I miss you. He worries at the bottom of his lip until he can taste blood and lets out a breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding. It's the first time since that night that Taehyung has reached out to him, and his initial assumption of none of their friends knowing is replaced with suspicion. He figures that Hoseok or Jimin must have put Taehyung up to it.

In the end Jeongguk ignores it, even if it does make him feel kind of guilty to not wish Taehyung a happy birthday. Turns off his phone again and throws it to the other end of the couch as if he can't stand the sight of it, but not before receiving yet another text (this time from his father) saying that there is a gift for him waiting in the parking garage. He doesn't tell anyone that today he turns twenty-one, not even Yoongi, who knows more about Jeongguk than anyone ever should.

He lets out a deep, dreadful sigh. Jeongguk doesn't want any presents honestly—least of all from the man who hates his existence more than anything else in this world, but he forces himself onto his feet and drags himself to the garage anyways. And surely enough, there's a sleek, shiny and silver sixty thousand dollar Jaguar sitting in the assigned parking spot he never uses. There's a ridiculously large, red bow placed atop the hood and Jeongguk just stares.

It's beautiful, it really is. And he hates it. Hates it so much that rage blinds him and he stomps forward, kicks harshly at the side of the door. It barely makes a dent, which only fuels his anger. With as much force as possible, he lifts his right foot to kick at the side view mirror and it snaps off. Smacks against the side of the driver door, hanging by some wires. But it's not enough and he wants to destroy the entire thing. Wants to smash in the windows and set it on fire.

He wishes that he could throw it all away. The car, the apartment—the stupid fucking rolex. He hates all of it.

He must look ridiculous right now, throwing a fit over a six hundred thousand dollar car. Must look like a spoiled brat, but honestly he could care less because Jeongguk is in pain and it won't go away. Everything hurts. Everything fucking hurts and no one is here to stop him. They're all out with Taehyung because it's his birthday, and Jeongguk is stuck here, getting worked up over something he should be thankful for.

He takes a deep breath. Gathers himself and goes back upstairs. Scrolls through Netflix for another fifteen minutes before he decides to rewatch the entirety of Black Mirror. Like this, he spends his birthday alone.

He's used to it anyway.

NEW YEARS EVE

Hoseok's friends are rich, something that Jeongguk wasn't quite expecting. They live in the Gangnam district, their apartment situated near the top of a high rise complex. Gangnam is flashy, a place where superficial people flaunt their wealth and park their Mercedes on the sidewalks. It's a place that Jeongguk tends to avoid because he hates being reminded of the materialistic lifestyle, prefers to try and live a simple college life and act like the extra zeros in his bank account don't exist.

He really shouldn't be nervous about this because it's just a stupid party, and if he humiliates himself it doesn't matter anyways because it's the last one he'll ever go to. Yet, the anxiety never leaves him. Even with Hoseok right next to him, he feels it thrumming through his veins and his pulse speeds up. The entire ride up the elevator feels a lot like deja vu. He's wringing his fingers together and chewing at his bottom lip.

Hoseok places a hand on Jeongguk's arm, touch gentle and soothing. Hoseok shoots him a worried look. "If this is too much for you we can leave. I won't force you into something that makes you uncomfortable like I did last time." There's lingering guilt in his words and Jeongguk shakes his head, tears his gaze away from the ground to give Hoseok a forced smile that isn't quite convincing.

"It's okay, hyung. I got this."

For once, it isn't a lie because he really can handle this, if only to say goodbye to everyone. He just wants one last night where he can just laugh with his friends and watch fireworks light up the dark sky in a halogen of lights. For them, he can do this.

Hoseok pauses once in front of the door, gives Jeongguk's elbow a reassuring squeeze, a chance for him to back out. But Jeongguk doesn't give any indication that he's about to bolt, just smiles nervously and gives the other a curt nod.

When Hoseok knocks, it doesn't take long before the door swings open revealing a tall brunette man who's quite easy on the eyes (he actually looks like a model and Jeongguk is a bit starstruck).

"Hoseok you made it!" he smiles widely, pulls Hoseok into a hug and the two of them exchange warm greetings. It's obvious by their body language that though they haven't seen each other in awhile, they're really close and Jeongguk feels a little awkward, like he's intruding upon this reunion.

"How was Paris?" Hoseok asks when the tall man finally pulls back.

"Amazing." He grins, revealing a deep set of dimples that makes his smile all too endearing. "I didn't want to leave but Seokjin was starting to get a little homesick, we both were honestly."

Hoseok raises a brow. "He's not still seeing that crazy french girl?"

The man snorts. "Good riddance, no." His eyes find Jeongguk and he looks a little caught off guard. "Oh? Who is this?"

"Ah, sorry. This is my friend, Jeongguk."

Namjoon instantly turns his grin towards him. "Ah, I've heard so much about you. Excuse my rudeness. I'm Kim Namjoon."

Jeongguk is still a little shook by the fact that all of Hoseok's friends are really hot. He flushes when he realizes that Namjoon's waiting for a response.

"Oh, um. It's really n-nice to meet you."

Namjoon doesn't comment on his blatant awkwardness. Invites them both inside and Jeongguk sticks to Hoseok like glue. He doesn't drink much, just nurses a cup of coke and rum for the better part of an hour until Seokjin magically materializes out of nowhere, and he's just as beautiful as Kim Namjoon. What the fuck.

Seokjin practically drags Hoseok away after that, because apparently he's still heartbroken over this french girl and needs to cry to someone about it because Namjoon isn't very sympathetic when it comes to the subject. Hoseok doesn't object. Flashes Jeongguk an apologetic smile before he disappears into the crowd and Jeongguk is left alone to stand awkwardly in a corner. It's a lot like dejavu.

To his relief, Jimin ends up finding him nearly twenty minutes later. He's dragging Yoongi by the hand, who looks just as unwilling to be here as Jeongguk. Jimin's obviously already tipsy, blush high on his cheeks. Jeongguk finds it rather endearing.

"I missed you, Gukkie." Jimin whines, almost at the stage of being too emotional. It's like Halloween all over again and he thinks that Jimin is more drunk than he had initially thought. "Why haven't you hung out with us?" the other pouts, leans into Yoongi. "I tried texting and calling you but it always went to voicemail and Hoseok told us to leave you alone."

"Ah, sorry hyung." Jeongguk scratches the back of his head and tries to seem bashful. "I've just been tired and all after being around my family."

Jimin then frowns, expression serious. "Listen, Jeongguk. I'll be your dad, and Yoongi will be dad number two. Okay?"

"I didn't agree to this," Yoongi grumbles. "I didn't agree to any of this. Why am I here?"

"Because you love me." Jimin bats his eyelashes and Yoongi scoffs. "Plus you already soft for Jeongguk as it is."

"No I'm not" Yoongi denies with a vehement grumble. Clears his throat, and then to change the subject, "where's Hoseok? Didn't you come with him?" he narrows his eyes, expression turning sour. "Don't tell me that he just left you alone when he knows—"

"It's okay," Jeongguk says quickly. "Hyung hasn't seen his friends in a long time so I don't mind at all." And he's not lying this time because as much of a nervous wreck he is, Hoseok isn't his babysitter.

Yoongi relaxes a little at this but doesn't look fully convinced. "If you say so..." he glances down to check the time on his phone. "Watch the fireworks with us? It'll be our first New Years together."

Except that it won't be, but Jeongguk swallows the bitterness back and replies with, "of course we can."

But they can't because he has to go soon and he's glad that he's never been the kind of person who leaves traces of himself anywhere. He never leaves footprints. The smell of his cologne doesn't linger anywhere. Jimin won't find a t-shirt left in his dorm. There are no pictures, there never are. No lasting impressions. It's easier this way so he can disappear into dust.

Like he never existed in the first place.

Jimin looks between the two of them and huffs. "Are you dating me or Jeongguk?"

"Why can't I have both?" Yoongi snips sarcastically with a roll of his eyes.

"Don't you have Hoseok for that?" Jeongguk blurts out mindlessly.

Both of them freeze and have the audacity to look embarrassed. "Oh we haven't—"

"It's not like that!" Yoongi blurts.

"It isn't?" Jimin furrows his brows, seems a little offended by the quick denial. There's a beat of silence as they stare at each other before he says, "I'm too drunk for this. Fuck you both," and then proceeds to turn on his heels and walk stumble away.

Yoongi refuses to meet Jeongguk's eyes. Scrunches his nose, still flustered. "I don't know what made you think that but..." he trails off, uncertain.

"Am I wrong?" Jeongguk doesn't know why he's being so bold tonight. Maybe it's because he knows that this is the last time and he doesn't have to suffer any repercussions for anything he says.

Yoongi's mouth snaps shut. Lips drawn into a thin line. "Uh, we'll talk about this another day?" and before Jeongguk can comment any further he ducks his head and chases after his boyfriend, of whom is now attempting to climb onto the coffee table and dance.

Jeongguk's left alone again. He's a little anxious and once he hits the bottom of the cup, he frowns and decides that maybe he does need another drink. He pours more rum than soda this time and it isn't long before a tingly warmth spreads throughout his body. It makes him feel nice, calm. He understands now why people drink—it's easy to fill the emptiness like this. Because who cares if it can kill you when you're already half dead anyway?

"Jeongguk?"

He freezes. Stares down at the liquid sloshing around in the cup, already half empty. Maybe if he ignores Taehyung hard enough he'll go away. He's the last person he'd expected to see here, and honestly, he's not ready to face the other boy at all. Doesn't think he'll ever be. But Jeongguk is stupid and in love. When it comes to Taehyung he breaks so easily. He looks up, smiles shyly because Taehyung looks beautiful today. He always does.

"Hi."

"Hey."

There's an awkward standoff between the two of them, too many things they want to say but know that they never will. There's always a surge of emotions Jeongguk can feel when he's around Taehyung—emotions that he has a hard time controlling. Because Taehyung takes his breath away. Makes him dizzy with want and guilt. Makes his heart feel full yet empty at the same time.

He still doesn't know how to manage it, how to calm down and not let it all spill out. It almost does. When he sees Taehyung it's hard to keep it in again, and he almost lets it all slip. Almost, as in he opens his mouth and the truth is at the tip of his tongue. That he loved Taehyung eight years ago and even now, he still does. That he misses cuddling on the couch and waking up next to each other with their legs intertwined, Taehyung's soft skin pressed against his own. That what he did to Taehyung left him broken, unable to heal, and even now he still doesn't forgive himself.

You're the reason that I got this far in the first place, but I fucked up again and now you don't want me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you, please don't hate me.

But he swallows it all back, bitter in his mouth like medicine and tries not to choke until it expands in his chest and aches. "H-how are you?" he manages to ask instead. It's easier this way.

Taehyung looks disappointed. Like casual talk isn't what he came here for, but he goes with it anyways. Smiles even if it doesn't seem genuine and all Jeongguk can think about is the fact that he created this mess. He should have never kissed back.

He looks at the space behind Taehyung's head and pretends to be clueless. Pretends that he doesn't know that they both want to talk about what happened but neither of them are brave enough to be the first to bring it up.

"I'm okay. Wasn't able to spend a whole time with my family but it was fun..." Taehyung trails off, waiting for a response that never comes. "Um, what about you?" he shuffles to lean against the wall, right next to Jeongguk. There's space between them that wasn't there just a week ago, and it's like the first time they were alone in Hoseok's apartment together. Back to square one. He misses the warmth.

Jeongguk shrugs. Tries to appear casual but the tension between them is palpable. It's glaringly obvious how uncomfortable they are with this situation. With each other. "Alright I guess."

"You guess?"

"I guess." He's curt. To the point. Gives little to no opportunity for Taehyung to make conversation. They can never go back to the way things were between them before. He can't do this to Taehyung. Can't give himself any hope.

Taehyung purses his lips and looks away, down to the floor, head hung in shame. Jeongguk finishes off the rest of his drink in one go, moves to the kitchen to pour himself another. Forgets the coke this time. Taehyung follows him and lingers by the archway. Jeongguk wishes he would just go away. It's impossible to ignore his presence.

He lets out a sigh. "Please leave me alone," he utters defeatedly at the same time Taehyung blurts out, "I'm sorry."

Jeongguk doesn't turn around, tenses instead.

"I didn't mean to hurt you." Taehyung voices after a beat of silence. His tone is shaky, unsure.

Jeongguk tries to ignore the way that his heart twists in pain. "I'm not hurt," he says but it all sounds stiff and angry. He still doesn't understand his own emotions. Doesn't get why lately his temper has been so short, because he doesn't have the right to feel like he's the one who has been wronged here. It just doesn't work that way.

"Jeongguk," Taehyung continues slowly. "I know that you probably don't even want to be anywhere near me right now, but please just hear me out. You deserve an explanation."

Jeongguk shakes his head frantically. He doesn't want to hear anything. "No, it's okay. I get it. I would have left too if I were you."

"What? That's not—" Taehyung reaches out for him and he remembers the day when he invited Taehyung over and the older boy had held him from behind. He remembers how perfectly they had molded together, except this time the moment Taehyung touches him he rips away from his grasp as if he's been burned.

Jeongguk spins around with fire in his eyes, heart thrumming in a way that makes him nauseous. "Don't touch me!"

Taehyung flinches back, eyes wide and confused. "I'm sorry. I just..."

"I don't want to hear it, Taehyung." There's a finality to Jeongguk's words that makes the other shut up. And before he can say anything else, Jeongguk allows himself to completely fall apart, he moves past Taehyung and leaves.

Taehyung calls his name, frantic and high pitched as if he's about to cry, but Jeongguk doesn't look back—pretends that in another lifetime they're right for each other. Pretends that in another universe they meet each other at the right moment when Jeongguk doesn't hold cruelness in his heart. A reality where he can be kind and love Taehyung freely, without guilt or regret. He can't imagine how wonderful it would be, to walk down the street holding hands and kissing each other in the open. He can't imagine that because he remembers what happened whenever his father had found out he was gay. The closet. The kitchen floor. His mom crying.

He just wonders what it would be like to love Taehyung closely—wholeheartedly. Maybe in another lifetime, but not this one. In this life, Jeongguk's existence is a tragedy he can't escape and he's tired of fighting against the waves.

He sees Yoongi and Jimin, dancing together with Hoseok. Hands all over each other. Too intimate to be friendly. He's still having a hard time comprehending what exactly is going on between the three of them, but he hopes they figure everything out. Hopes they get the happily ever after he never deserved.

Jeongguk takes it all in one last time before he leaves. Doesn't want to linger too long, lest one of them catches him and he wimps out. He gets to the elevator, but stops when he sees a door to the stairwell. Honestly, Jeongguk's not quite sure what his plan is. He goes home and then what? Tries hanging himself in the kitchen again? He hesitates for a moment longer, biting his bottom lip as the gears in his head begin to turn.

Fuck it.

He takes one last glance down the hallway to make sure no one sees him before he opens the door to the stairwell, takes them up two at a time. It's not a long ascent. Namjoon and Seokjin's apartment is on the fifty-sixth floor, so he's only a little out of breath when he reaches the top.

Once again, Jeongguk pauses, hand hovering above the door handle. Maybe a part of him is hoping that it's locked; maybe a part of him wants his mind to be changed. But it's not. The door to the roof is unlocked and up here, the air is colder than before.

He wanders around for a bit. Enjoys the bite of the wind, the way it blows through his hair and stings the tip of his ears. It's a little like flying. Up here, the loud nightlife of Seoul is muted. He can hear the faint sound of horns honking and sirens blaring, but it's all so far away. A different world perhaps.

He looks up, and though it may be a silly thought, the stars look closer up here. Lifting a hand, Jeongguk closes one eye and spreads his fingers towards the sky. He wonders how far he'd have to reach to touch the cosmos. Maybe this human body of his is the one weighing him down. What happens after death? Will he become a radiant star to hang in the sky as well?

He climbs up on the ledge and balances on the narrow concrete platform. Walks back and forth, back and forth, one foot in front of the other. He feels a lot like a bird now, arms straight out to his sides. Jeongguk's far too reckless and begins to run across the ledge. Stops abruptly when he reaches a sharp turn and looks down. From up here, Seoul is beautiful and alive. The bokeh lights are dazzling. The scenery takes Jeongguk's breath away and he hopes that he doesn't ruin it when he falls. Hopes no one sees him—offers a silent apology for the person who does. Maroon against cement never makes for a pretty sight.

Jeongguk remembers when he was five and his mom told him that if he really wanted it, he could do anything he put his mind to. The first time he was asked what his dream was in kindergarten, he said that he wanted to be Superman. Now he wonders how far he can fly when he jumps. Maybe the wind will simply carry him away.

He thinks about Hoseok, the first person who ever showed him what it was like to be cared for. The sun who could break through the darkest of storm clouds and ease his pain. To this day, Jeongguk is still baffled as to why someone as luminous as Jung Hoseok decided that someone like him was ever worth fighting for. And as painful as the journey has been, he's honestly thankful, because at least now he can die knowing that there are people who will remember him, if only for a short while.

He thinks about Jimin, how even though they didn't quite start off on the right foot, Jimin had ended up becoming such an important pillar in his life. Someone who laughs too loudly. Who is dramatic, and bold, and never afraid to stand up for what he believes in. Someone joyous and kind—too good of a friend. At least, more than Jeongguk ever deserved.

Yoongi, someone who knew Jeongguk better than he knew himself at times, even if they hadn't known each other for long. Yoongi had become someone who quietly understood his pain and never once shunned him, even after knowing of all the horrible things he had done. Jeongguk really hopes that Yoongi makes it big in the music industry one day, and he knows that with the passion that Yoongi possesses, he'll make it.

And Taehyung, the love of his life who was never even his to begin with. Jeongguk should have never kissed back, but he wishes—he wishes that Taehyung would kiss him again, just one last time. He wishes that Taehyung had asked him to stay.

Jeongguk doesn't cry. Doesn't feel anything except for numb resignation and acceptance. This was his fate. Always has been. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and checks the time.

11:59 PM

The hardest part of growing up is surviving your own youth. Too bad Jeongguk never learned how to survive his.

Fireworks suddenly light up the sky, breathtaking and bright. A salvo of colors that blanket Seoul in a warm glow. He's completely enamored by the sight. Drinks it all in one last time. What a tragically marvelous way to go, underneath an incandescent night sky. This isn't an eulogy, but maybe it should be.

Jeongguk smiles, feels the tightness in his chest lessen until it becomes obsolete. He spreads his arms again. Closes his eyes and feels the wind against his skin. It's the beginning of the New Year and he's waited long enough.

It's time to let go.

He takes a step forward, one foot dangling in the air and—and—

The moment his phone starts ringing in his pocket, he flinches back. Both feet planted firmly on the ledge. Without even glancing at the screen to see who's called, he answers. Presses the phone harshly to his ear until it aches.

"Jeongguk?" It's Yoongi's voice that floats through the other end. "Where are you? You missed the fireworks and Jimin won't stop complaining about it." Yoongi continues to lightly scold him for leaving and grumbles about Jimin being far too extra when he drinks, but all Jeongguk can hear is the buzzing in his head getting louder and louder. He just wants it to go away.

"If you ever feel like you're gonna do that again, please call me."

Yoongi's words from the previous month echo, louder than the buzzing and ah—the numb haze from before begins to dissipate and Jeongguk realizes that the lies that he had so carefully cultivated and convinced himself to believe are beginning to fall apart, and there are cracks forming. Everything around him is crumbling. He's scared. So scared. How do you take someone who's been shoved down to the dirt over and over again and fix them?

All Jeongguk ever wanted was for someone to ask him to stay, but he's just the world's biggest fuck up. He thinks about the broken bottle he had kicked away that hot summer and how moving on has been something that he's never quite figured out how to do. Here Jeongguk is, twenty-one years old and still just as lost. A part of him had thought that all of the pain and rejection he had experienced in his childhood had made him grow up to fast, but now he realizes that he's the same kid wondering why he finds himself staring at the boy in his eighth grade science class more than the pretty petite girl next to him.

Truth is, Jeongguk never grew up. Instead, he trapped himself in his own hell and blamed others for how he lived his life. He gives and gives to the wrong people. Lets them step all over his flowerbeds and then wonders why they leave his garden left to wither, but it's his fault. Always has been.

"...anyways, are you home yet? I—"

"Hyung." The tremble in Jeongguk's voice, borderline a sob, causes Yoongi to pause.

And then, in a serious tone that Jeongguk has never heard before, "where are you Guk?"

Jeongguk inhales. Hates that right away Yoongi knows that something is terribly wrong. He hates that in this world there is one person who can see right through him, and everything crumbles then. The century old abandoned house where he'd locked everything away begins to creak and fall apart. Wood splinters, the roof collapses, and he feels it now; everything he hasn't allowed himself to feel for eight years. When he opens his mouth to speak, this time all that escapes is a pained sob and once he starts he can't stop.

His chest hurts so much.

"'m so suh-sorry h-hyung. 'm so sorry," Jeongguk cries. Crouches down with his knees pressed against his chest and lets the tears drip down his face as he looks at the vast space below him. The lights don't seem so appealing anymore.

"Hey, hey. It's okay, Guk. I'm here. Hyung is here. Just tell me where you are and I'll come get you, yeah? We can have a sleepover and watch as many Marvel movies as you want. I'll even buy you some banana milk."

Jeongguk knows that he should just hang up. This is what he wanted right? An end to his pathetic existence. But now he's just so terribly unsure and confused about everything. Because as much as he hates to admit it, Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin, and Taehyung—they'd all gotten under his skin and gave him a reason to get up every morning. They gave him a reason to smile and laugh, and the thought of permanently leaving it all behind is terrifying. Gentle hands, laugh like a windchime, wholesomeness that fills Jeongguk up whenever he's around his friends...it all gave him a reason to breathe. To exist.

But Jeongguk has to do this. He has to, right?

"The roof," he chokes out. "I'm o-on the ruh-roof."

He hears a sharp intake of breath on the other end. Yoongi pulling the phone away from his ear to whisper something to another person. The sound of the party fades in and out until it goes completely quiet and Jeongguk hears several voices in the background speaking in hushed and urgent tones.

"Can you wait there Guk?" Yoongi asks. "Please wait for me."

"I—" he has to let go of everything. "I can't do that hyung."

The phone slips from his hand and Jeongguk watches it fall, fall, fall. All the way down until it disappears into the rushing city below. He dug his own grave and now he has no one to stop him. If he just takes a step forward finally, finally it'll all be over. Just one step. That's all it takes. He'll no longer be a disappointment to everyone around him, an embarrassment to his father's legacy. A burden. But for some reason, Jeongguk finds that his feet are rooted to the cement. Why? Why? Why?

Why can't he even kill himself properly? He's spent his life pretending that the rot in him is temporary; let it grow and fester until it infected every crevice and now he has a chance to be free, but he can't even fucking move because he's still stuck on the what ifs like a fool.

Doesn't know why even now, he still thinks of Taehyung when what they had was never real. The thing is, Jeongguk is the kind of person who throws himself at the first notion of love. He thinks that the validation and attention will be enough to silence the chaos inside of his heart. Like maybe if Taehyung maps out constellations onto his skin and treats him like a newly discovered planet, it would put things into perspective. At least he'd have some semblance of control again. But Jeongguk's body is a decrepit mausoleum and the insides of his palms don't hold cosmos like he wants them to. You can't take an abandoned house and call it a home when there's already mold festering between the walls. Jeongguk can't fix the rotten inside of him and he know that's all he'll ever be—rotten down to his very core.
He takes a deep breath. He can do this. He can fucking do—

"Jeongguk!"

He doesn't startle. Doesn't give any indication of having heard Yoongi's voice.

"Jeongguk!"

He looks up. Tonight the moon is full, wisps of indigo clouds grasping at the curves.

"Jeongguk, please."

He finally turns, although painfully slow. Yoongi stands several feet away and to Jeongguk it feels as if there's a chasm between them. A gaping distance that reminds him of his nightmares, except this time Yoongi isn't the one walking away. He stares up at Jeongguk with a sort of panic that Jeongguk has never seen before. But he's not alone. All of them are there; Jimin, Hoseok, and even Taehyung. They all have the same look in their eyes. The kind that makes his heart sink, but Taehyung—he gazes at Jeongguk with a level of control that the others don't have.

"Hey, Jeonggukie." Hoseok takes a step forward.

Jeongguk takes one back and they all collectively gasp at how close he is to the drop beneath him. He'd stopped crying already. Just stares at his hyungs with an impassive expression. He can't show how weak he really is or he'll completely lose it again.

"Why are you up there?" Hoseok doesn't take another step, too scared to do so. "Why don't you come down and talk to us?"

"I don't want to talk. You guys aren't supposed to be here." Even to Jeongguk's ears, his words sound terribly cold.

Hoseok swallows, looks back at Yoongi helplessly. But before the elder can say anything, Taehyung strides forward. Walks right past Hoseok until he's just a few feet away and Jeongguk finds himself able to take another threatening step backwards.

"Come down from there, Jeongguk." His tone is calm, firm. Leaves little room for argument but Jeongguk won't back down. Not this time.

"No."

"Why?"

It's such a simple question, yet it catches Jeongguk off guard. He narrows his eyes and bites his tongue. "Why does it matter to you?"

Taehyung tenses. Clenches his jaw and asks in a quipped tone, "what is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that I don't fucking matter to you." Jeongguk tries to keep his composure but he's breathing hard. In front of Taehyung, any kind of dignity he had leaves him.

"Jeongguk," Jimin interjects, "that's not—"

"And what about you?" Taehyung cuts off, tone steely. "Do any of us matter to you right now?"

Jeongguk flushes. Feels himself getting all worked up again because of course. Of course he cares—more than any of them will ever know. He cares so much that his insides ache. Cares so much that he'd do anything for them. Cares more about the happiness of these four boys more than his own.

So, "of course."

"If you care, then why are you up there?" Taehyung says it so matter-of-fact, as if it's an obvious answer. As if things are really that simple.

Jeongguk's so angry. So frustrated because Taehyung will never understand. None of them will. They don't know about his expired body; his skin, so fragile that it bruises under the softest touch, all the way down to the bone. They don't know about the black eyes. The torment he had to go through (the first time he'd kissed a boy). They don't know that Jeongguk suffers with his mouth sewn shut—swallows a black sea and holds it inside of his lungs until he begins to leak.

"You left me!" Jeongguk practically screams. He doesn't know why he says it. Doesn't know why he's even bringing it up, but he's just so angry and tired of lying about everything. Tired of keeping it all inside. "You left me alone in that stupid fucking apartment because you were disgusted by me."

"What the fuck? I left because you pushed me away!" Taehyung shouts back. His composure snaps, and suddenly he's just as angry. Fire burning in his eyes. "You always push me away."

"Because you hate me!"

"I don't hate you, Jeongguk."

"Yes you do." He chokes. "You always have, and I hate myself too." And to add insult to injury, "does that make you happy Taehyung? To know that after everything, I'm the one standing up here instead of you?"

Taehyung takes a step back as if he's been physically hit and Jeongguk doesn't understand why he looks so wounded. "You always do this. Put words in my mouth. You don't get to tell me how I fucking feel. That's for me to decide, not you. Everything that I went through back then...I never put the blame solely on you."

Jeongguk clenches his fists, teeth grinding painfully. "Don't lie to me. Yoongi hyung told me what you did after you went back to Daegu. Your wrists...I know from the moment we met again that you wanted me gone."

Behind Taehyung, the others are watching carefully. Jimin seems as if he's about to say something, but Yoongi stops him. Whispers something in his boyfriend's ear that makes him go mute.

"Why would you even think that?" Taehyung sounds genuinely confused, as if he can't believe his own ears. "Yeah, seeing you again did bring up some fucked up memories, but isn't it obvious?" he throws his hands up in the air in exasperation. "I fell for you. I fucking love you, Jeongguk. What I did back then was never because of you, so don't you fucking dare blame yourself. I won't let you."

And to Jeongguk, Taehyung's words are like a punch to the gut. A knife to the stomach. He feels sick, so sick. He should be happy, right? All he's ever wanted was validation, and now Taehyung's saying that he loves him but it's not right. None of this is right. He promised that he would apologize to Taehyung and disappear from his life. This world.

"No," he says. "You don't. And it was my fault. It was all—"

"Didn't I just say that you don't get to tell me how I feel? It was never your fault, and you don't get to to use it as an excuse to make yourself more miserable! You just want a reason to die, Jeongguk, but I won't let you use my past struggles to make yourself a fucking martyr for all of us."

"Stop lying to me!" Jeongguk shakes his head frantically. "Please. Just s-stop."

"Why?" Taehyung takes another daring step forward, right until his knees hit the barrier and he's standing below Jeongguk, staring right up at him. They're so close now that Taehyung could simply reach up and yank him down if he wanted. "Why can't I love you?"

"Because I don't deserve to be here," Jeongguk wheezes out. The back of his eyes are starting to burn, and oh shit, he can't cry again. Not now. "Because I don't deserve you." He takes a deep, shuddering breath. "I d-didn't mean anything I said back then, Taehyung. I was angry and hurting, a-and I know that's no excuse but you were just so bright, and beautiful and you, and I...I was just some stupid, closeted gay kid who would do anything to make his shitty father love him. I just...just..."

Jeongguk thinks that in the end, it was never worth it, fighting for the love of someone who loved him like numbers; like extra cash—a fat wallet. It was the biggest mistake of his life.

Taehyung shakes his head, reaches up to rest a hand on Jeongguk's hip. His eyes shine with sadness, lips parted. He speaks gentler this time. "We were just kids back then. We were just stupid fucking kids who thought we knew better. Reckless kids who thought we could handle more. We were just kids. Stupid, stupid kids." He swallows, blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay. "You deserve the world, Guk. You deserve so much more than the life you were given and I'm sorry I didn't see you for the amazing man that you are sooner."

"Tae." Jeongguk's face crumples then. The tears he'd been holding back burst like a fountain and he feels himself fall apart.

"Come down here, yeah?" Taehyung tugs gently at Jeongguk's wrist with his other hand, the other still on his waist. "We can talk about everything. Start from the beginning."

"I can't..." Jeongguk cries. "I hurt you."

"So have I," Taehyung croaks. "So have I."

He doesn't resist when Taehyung pulls him down. Doesn't resist when Taehyung holds him close, circles his arms around Jeongguk's waist. Just wails into his shoulder, loud and ugly and in so much pain. "'m suh-sorry. So sorry."

"Don't be," Taehyung shushes, voice thick with emotion. Runs his hands through Jeongguk's hair. "I forgave you a long time ago."

Warmth begins to surround him, and through the blur of tears Jeongguk realizes that his friends have all gathered around, a mess of snot and tears and—

"We're so glad you're okay."

"We love you so much."

"Don't ever scare me like that ever again, kid."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more."

"I'll buy you a life supply of banana milk, okay?"

And against the shell of his ear, whispered quietly enough for only Jeongguk to hear, Taehyung says, "please stay. Please don't go."

Jeongguk balls the front of Taehyung's shirt up tightly in his clenched fists and sobs even harder than before. He's in so much pain and it still hurts to breathe, but Taehyung had said it. Taehyung had asked him to stay.

It's a wide night and as another barrage of fireworks lights up the sky, Jeongguk thinks about how he's spent all these years wasting time and wasting away in it. He's spent all these years struggling to say the intangible, suffering in a silence so long that it's made his bones brittle. He thought that if he ran fast enough he could explode them into the loving embrace of a brick wall and return back to dust. He didn't mean to leave a mark in any of their lives.

Jeongguk doesn't know how to accept forgiveness, how to forgive himself—but it this has to mean something, right?

He raises his head from Taehyung's shoulder, and they all look up to watch the burst of colors. It's five minutes past midnight.

Beautiful, Jeongguk thinks. Then he turns to Taehyung who's eyes gleam with tears, the light from the fireworks casts his skin in a soft glow. Beautiful, Jeongguk thinks again.