This Oc belongs to @poodles3456
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Name: Speckleflame
Lovely name

Past names: Specklekit, Specklepaw
Make sense

Name reason: Speckle, she was named because she is covered in spots. Flame cause she saved the camp from fire.
Makes sense

Appearance: she-cat with multi-colored spots all over her body.
That's..... it???

Gender: She-cat
Ok

Age: 70 moons
All right, she's on the older side which I wasn't expecting

Personality: usually is a kind cat but has a tendency to let her inner mean girl out. She does have a thing with kittens though, but not warriors and especially elders. To the other clans, rouges and loners, she is a cat to fear.

Usually kind but also "has a tendency"? Those contradict each other because the wording means they both happen often. Also what is the "thing" described?? And okay she's good at fighting I guess but that's not personality

Since she did kill the Darkclan leader as an apprentice.
Hahahaha, this part is a joke right?

*checks form*

It's not??

Sexuality: bi
Coolio

Clan: Spiritclan-Hellclan
Wow, this Oc is full of comedy!

*checks form again*

This isn't a joke either?? What??

And where is her actual clan?

Rank: Warrior
At least her rank is normal

Kin: Mom, Sparkclaw an all-white she-cat
with a ginger stripe on the back. dad unknown
Dad yes known. If you're going to enter an Oc, you should at least know all there basic family. Just throw in a random rogue Tom or something

Appearance is like book Allegiance basic, where the hell is the detail and her eye color??

Crush: None
Makes sense

Mate: Smokefur, an all-white tom with black spots, both ears have huge nicks. Dead and In Hellclan.
Pfft-I'm Sorry- I just can't- "hElLcLaN"

His appearance is super boring though and needs much more detail, he doesn't even have an eye color!

Kits: Leopardshine, Dappled she-cat with green eyes. Named beacuse she was crushed by a tree wich paralyzed her back and back legs.

Ok, first problem is the lack of description, second is that nothing in the name "Leopardshine relates to be crushed by a tree, and third is that she sounds like a Briarlight ripoff. I'm like actually annoyed at blatantly like Briarlight is. Be more creative and change her to have a slightly different injury and cause of injury.

Shadowclaw, a black tom, with very silky fur and green eyes.

This is boring in every possible dimension, he feels very much like a background character. Add some detail and maybe change his name since it's so common.

Hoppaw, A small gray and white she-cat with only three legs. She died after she fell into the lake and died.

That's a sad name :(( And even sadder death, I hope it's explained why no one helped her or why she was alone. Also description needs 10000% more detail (again no eye color :/)

Mentor: Deadstar, ginger tom that is very evil.
Wow, very evil. Totally doesn't sound like a Mary-Sue form rn. And Oh My God the lack of description is killing me

Apprentice: Cinderpaw, grey she-cat was given a new mentor after
Speckleflame died.
Wait she died?? Damn, okay

Friends: Shadowpelt, a pure black she-cat with a very slick pelt. Dark blue eyes.

Too similar to her son Shadowclaw. Maybe he was named after her or something but it's still uncanny especially since nothing was mentioned. Also she only has one friend??

Backstory: Speckleflame was born to the deputy Sparkclaw but her father was unknown.

Yup, okay

She became an apprentice when she was only four moons old,

NOOO MARY SUE AHH I HATE THIS. There isn't even a reason given!! It just because >:( Also that would be cruel to have a 4 moon old cat try to keep up with a Warrior

her mentor was the very mean warrior Smokefur.

"very mean" oooh how sad. And I thought her mentor was the very evil ginger tom??

But soon she saw past the cruelness and saw the sweet cat he could be.

Okay then

Then the camp went up in flames and she let the leader Mothstar and saved all the cats of Stormclan.

Mary Sue. There's literally nothing else to say. Oh, wait StormClan is her actual Clan. Glad to get that figured out

After that, she got her warrior name.

Okay?? How old is she rn

A few moons later she realized she was pregnant and the father was Smokefur.

That's disgusting. She's probably like 10 moons at this point and Smokefur was old enough to be her mentor so no

She gave birth to three cats, Leopardspine was the oldest she-cat, Shadowclaw was the only tom and the second oldest and little Hoppaw who was born with only three legs.

Okay, but was there a reason she had a deformity?

She died in battle after they became warriors.

Wait what?? Assuming she gave birth young, and her kits would take 12 moons to be warriors, she's only like 22?? But her form says 70 so she had to have had them at an older age. This timeline makes no sense

When she reached Spiritclan she was given the choice to become a Spiritclan cat, a Hellclan cat.

Why is there a choice? SpiritClan is obviously heaven, and HellClan well, Hell so why would you get to choose? Bad cats would just choose heaven. Also why did you replace StarClan and the Dark Forest, there's literally no point. Especially since nothing is given about either clan.

She chooses neither but is able to be both

Why. Did they make an exception for her? Why would she want to be in hell?

Review: *clicks tongue* Yeah, I'm not gonna try to sugarcoat this one since there's no way you can send this to me and not expect massive criticism. Usually I would try to be nicer, but my patience is thinning as I get though more and more Ocs like this. Half of it's form wasn't even filled out correctly 🤦‍♀️ I don't feel like wasting a lot of time on this since you may have already fixed it by now, but it's also pretty obvious what needs to be changed. So on to the basics!

~Appearances and Names~
All the appearances are sorely under detailed and need things like eye color, fur type, body type, features such as small ears, long whiskers, etc. Most of the names are also very boring and basic so maybe spice some up with some unusual suffix or prefixes.

~ Clan~
Uhh well the clans given are just weird knock-offs of heaven and hell and there one mention of her actual clan. None of them have any information on them and it doesn't make sense why you would get to choose your after life so change that.

~Backstory~
Backstory was extremely undetailed AND unrealistic. She needs to become an apprentice at a regular time, not mate with her mentor and have kits at a weird age, and not save the entire clan. Maybe she had help or did something minor to save them like finding an escape route. There also needs to be more information about her relationship with her mate, kits, and friend. Her form should also be updated to match with the backstory since there were several characters listed not mentioned in it (aka her supposed evil leader mentor who she killed).

It should be pretty clear what you need to fix after that, so I hope you got something useful out of this! Bye~