Chapter 16: What It Takes
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Scrubbing bowls and plates. Cleaning clothes, tables, tools and weapons. Running errand after errand. Learning to stitch and fish from wolves that offered little help and sneered at my mistakes. Eating last. Always last, and made to sit away from the pack. I slept in a den that still held the scents of its usual occupants, cut off from everyone I knew. Early mornings gave way to late nights with little time to rest or explore. That was my life for the first two weeks that flew by so quickly, I was shocked when Fenna told me the date this morning.

Two weeks and still I felt like I’d made no progress at all. The pack barely tolerated me. Apart from Wulf, who always had a smile, I was pretty much shunned by the rest. Even Ebbe had kept his distance, staying quiet if we were forced together to do chores. And Fenna, my cousin, my only family here, had distanced herself as well.

What lesson was I to find in that? In being more a shadow that skulked around than a member, or even guest, of the pack. If this was what it meant to be pack, to understand what it meant when one held no rank at all, I didn’t want to play along anymore. A few times, I’d considered going to Alpha Female Signy, but pride won out and I kept my silence, bearing their treatment of me.

Had I done something wrong? Or was I simply meant to persevere?

I was doing my best to smile and accept it but every day it got harder to reign in my wolf, to stop from snapping when orders were barked my way, or extra clothes added to my pile to wash when I’d nearly finished.

Swiping sweat damp hair away from my forehead, I sat back to ease the pain in my neck and back. The sun was glaring down, not a cloud to be seen in a sea of brilliant blue. The pups splashed about in the shallow parts of the river, chasing Gisli and another dark haired female with a toddler on her hip. I’d yet to be introduced to her but she was friends with Aljana and Fenna. I wished I could join in, or find a patch of grass to lie on and soak in the sun.

I was lucky to be half submerged in cool mountain water as I washed yet more dishes from this morning’s meal. Porridge was an irritating thing to clean from wood once it dried and my fingers were red raw.

Chucking the brush in the river in frustration, I ran my fingers through my hair again and let out a sigh. I was almost done and then I’d go wash in the heated pools that weren’t too far away. Days of grime covered my skin and my hair so knotted, I was seriously considering cutting it all off with a pair of shears.

When a female down the river from me raised an eyebrow at the break I’d decided to take, I growled and snatched the brush back up. I made quick work of the rest of the buckets and bowls before hoisting them over to a wooden board to dry. Each one had to be shaken then turned upside down. It was tedious work.

Drying my hands on my dress, I looked over my shoulder at the sound of footsteps appraoching. Alpha Jakkon looked as stern as ever, watching me stand on shaky legs.

“There’s fish that need gutting. Try not to damage the scales too much, we have use of them. Then you can clean out the main fire, the wind is picking up and we don’t need ash flying into our food,” he listed.

My hands fisted but I nodded anyway. Was he trying to push me to the brink of exhaustion? He’d made me go with a group of wolves to track a heard of reindeer beginning to come over the mountains last night. From sundown to sunup we’d followed them, only granted an hour of sleep before I’d been woken to start my chores.

“Oh, one more thing.” Alpha Jakkon spoke over his shoulder, not even bothering to look at me. “Madden has a description of flowers he needs, I’d appreciate if you could get them before breakfast so he can begin his work after.”

I growled, unable to hold it back as I bristled at being given order after order.

“No, I’m done.” I snapped, my limbs shaking from exhaustion. “This isn’t teaching me anything about being pack.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Only that you all feel you can use me for anything you don’t want to do yourselves. I can’t go on like this. You don’t treat me like pack.”

He turned to face me properly, an eyebrow raised. “You aren’t pack, remember. It’s lonely isn’t it? And tough with nobody to help you. That’s what I’ve been teaching you. Because before you can appreciate being pack, you need to appreciate what it means to be without one.”

My mouth snapped shut.

It had all been done on purpose? Being shunned, looked down upon, used. Betrayal was a shock to my system, one that hurt. My jaw clenched, bones shifting, and I couldn’t stop myself as magic flared out and I morphed to fur. The dominant wolf I was, the part of me born to be an alpha, wouldn’t stand for this. I’d been manipulated.

Whether I’d been given permission or not, I didn’t care. I was going to stand my ground like I’d been taught me, if that made me some spoiled tame wolf, then so be it, because I knew I’d stand up if another had been treated the same way.

Almost as if he’d expected it, Alpha Jakkon smirked and began to strip. I waited, I was happy to. It wouldn’t be honourable to attack until he was in fur too.

“Are you ready to fight for yourself now?” he taunted, drawing an irritated growl from me.

I wanted to ask if I was being allowed to fight for myself now but all I could do was stamp an impatient paw. Still smirking, the Alpha shifted in a blur of colours and fizzle of electricity, into a massive grey wolf. Muscles bulged beneath thick fur, his size causing a shadow to fall over me. My tail twitched as I second guessed myself but I didn’t back away or cower like I maybe should have.

This wasn’t a fight I was going to win, but I’d show him I would no longer be pushed around. I focussed in on him like I’d been taught, keeping my head held high, hackles raising to make myself look bigger. There was no need to worry about the wolves I could sense coming closer to watch, the Alpha alone would deal with me, and maybe the pack too would come to understand who I was.

Jakkon didn’t pounce straight away like I expected. Circling around each other, we were both posturing, searching the other for weak spots. Steps slow and even, there was no fault in my stance. No weakness for him to see. I’d been taught well.
But I could spot no weakness on him either.

Confident and at ease, big paws thudded across the ground, leaving tracks in the mud. The power that beat against me was like nothing I’d ever felt before, so raw and dominant, I was shocked at my ability to keep calm. The only time of felt anything like it before was when watching, or being on the receiving end, of my own Alpha pair’s anger, their need to have submission.

Two could play at this game, though. I was patient too.

Dark blue eyes taunted me, and Jakkon snapped his jaws when I made no move to attack.

Too weak. His eyes said. Not brave enough.

I launched forward and he jumped up to meet my attack, putting his shoulder in the way of my jaws instead of his neck. He managed to tear himself away before I could sink my teeth in, using his back legs to propel forward so he could get his own bite in. A quick jerk of his head opened flesh and I felt the rush warm blood spill down my flank.

He released me, prancing back while I shuddered in pain and swayed on my feet. During my many spars with wolves back home, none had wounded me like this. Shock had me standing still, tail swishing uncertainly. My eyes zeroed in on the red staining Alpha Jakkon's muzzle. Blood. My blood. He hadn’t hesitated. .  .

He chuffed in amusement, shaking his head. Widening my stance, I faced him again, catching sight of Fenna. Orin had a hand on her arm, his other hand clamped around Ebbe's wrist. He was breathing hard, panting as if it was he who was fighting. When he caught my gaze, he gave me a stiff nod. I had no time to wonder why. Alpha Jakkon decided he’d had enough of waiting.

The snarl I heard was the only warning I got of his attack. My head whipped round and I reared uup, swiping sharp claws that narrowly missed his muzzle. His eyes widened as he swivelled out of the way but I threw myself forward again, giving him not time to regain his stance. My shoulder hit his chest, and for a moment I thought I’d be able to being him down but I’d been overconfident. Jakkon had known every move I’d make.

His head swung around, clamping down on my sensitive ear. The sting was like an electric shock through my system and it was easy for Jakkon to kick my front paws out from beneath me to get me to the ground. In a matter of seconds, I’d lost.

Crushing weight pinned me down, my claws raking uselessly at the ground in an attempt to get away. I ended up raking diet into my own eyes and began to struggle even more. Jakkon only pressed more firmly against me until I couldn’t move at all. The pressure on my chest left me wheezing, and the last of my breath came out in a high-pitched whine, my chin lifting to bare my neck. Sharp teeth clamped around what was offered, accepting the submission with a throaty growl. A gentle shake of his head to reminded me exactly who was in charge here.

I sucked in a slow breath, careful of the fangs still holding me in place. They sunk in deeper, nearly piercing skin, making sure I’d learned my lesson. It wouldn’t be one I'd forget easily; the pain would stay with me for days while I healed.

The pack went back to their chores the moment I submitted but Fenna was still there, and so was Signy who stood at her side. Orin and Ebbe were gone. Still, Jakkon didn’t let up and the more I lay still, the more my injuries began to make themselves known now the adrenaline was wearing off.

Another pathetic whimper that hurt my pride and I was finally released. Alpha Jakkon shifted back to his skin, lifting his arm as he took stock of his only injury, his torn ear from where my claws had caught him. Turning away from where I lay exhausted on the ground, Jakkon glanced up at his mate.

“Fenna was right,” Signy said, looking almost smug.

Alpha Jakkon mumbled something that made her snigger, touching his bloody ear. “Yes. She fought well. And she put up with more than I thought she would.”

I listened intently, an unhappy growl tumbling out. I couldn’t move. There wasn’t an inch of me that didn’t ache or sting but gods I could rant at them for testing me the way they had and myself for letting it happen.

“So?” Fenna prompted, folding her arms. She gave me a small smile, sympathy glittering in coal eyes, before looking back at Jakkon.

I switched my attention back to him too, anything to focus on so that the world might stop spinning and dancing out of vision.

“Tomorrow. Tonight, she needs to learn the punishment for challenging an alpha, so she understands exactly what she could face. She needs to be sure.” He turned to face me again, a small smile playing around his lips. “Do you understand, female who would be Alpha? This is why you need to be ready. A challenge isn’t like practising with your teachers and packmates; it can be life and death.”

I did understand. This was what my father feared, and one of the lessons he couldn’t teach me himself; that I could end up spending my life fighting to be allowed to live it.
Alpha Jakkon crouched beside me, ruffling the longer fur around the back of my neck. I settled a little knowing there were no hard feelings. 

“You impressed me, but I thought you would.”

I blinked, just once, remembering what he’d said when we first met.
I see you.

Waiting for word on my punishment, my gaze flicked to the post at the other side of the settlement, slightly away from the pack. He followed my line of sight and chuckled, shaking his head.

“We won’t tie you up. Your wounds will heal overnight, I made sure of that. You’re free to move whenever you want, you’ve learned your place. Well done. Take time to contemplate what it is you truly want, if you can accept what it takes to be The Alpha. If you decide it is, it won’t get easier. I’ll train you as I did Orin, no special treatment just because you’re female.”

I hoped he could see I was grateful. Patting my neck again, he leaned in a little closer and his voice dropped for only me to hear. “There was another lesson to take from what we put you through, but it’s one I won’t explain. If I have to explain what you should know now, it means you haven’t truly learned. Think over it. Remember how you felt.”

Another smile and a wink from Signy and the Alpha pair finally left me. Fenna came over, crouching down with a bucket to pour fresh, icy water over my wounds. I shuddered but barley made a sound, my eyes trained on the where the sun would soon be disappearing behind the trees.

“I hope you’re not mad at me,” Fenna whispered, her cheek brushing briefly against mine. “We were ordered to keep our distance, Alpha Jakkon wanted to see what you were made off. In all honesty, I was shocked you didn’t tell him or someone else to kiss your ass sooner.”

A snort of laughter and all I could do was slightly shake my head to show I wasn’t mad. I wanted to ask if Alpha Jakkon had put Fenna through this when she first came here too but shifting was not an option. I didn’t want to see the mess my skin would be in. Not yet anyway. At that moment, I didn’t even care that I'd been left in the dirt. Just the thought of moving or being moved had the pain worsening.

Orin called Fenna’s name, a plate in hand for her so she could get something to eat. She seemed torn about leaving though, chewing her lip as she glanced back at me. I nudged my nose into her hand. She could go.

Leaning down, she placed a kiss on my muzzle. “If you’re still here when I go back to bed, I’ll drag you closer to the fire so you don’t freeze.”

A slow blink showed my disapproval of her joke. She chuckled and pushed herself to her feet, giving me a quick once over before heading over to eat. My head flopped back to the ground and I closed my eyes in exhaustion. I was still panting, and each inhale made my ribs scream in protest. Doing my best to block out the pain, I tried to do as Jakkon had ordered before he left; thinking over the lesson I’d learned in the last two weeks. And the one I’d learned in being beaten. If it took fight after fight as rough as this, did I have the will to keep going? Could I face my own father's teeth?

My jaw clenched.

Yes.

Whatever it took, I’d always get back up, whether I had anyone on my side or not. Was that what I’d learned in being forced to be alone?
I tried to get up then. To move. Even the slight shift of my paw sent pain shooting through me. I ground my teeth through it, eyes on the high ranked as they ate. Some of the pack would check on my progress, their laughter not hiding their intrigue. They wanted to see if I could get up.

When I finally managed to roll onto my belly, Alpha Jakkon turned to watch. He kept eating though, making sure I could see he and his pack were filling their bellies while I suffered.

A pleading whine slipped out.
Please let me eat and drink.

But he’d already told me I was free to move. The rest was up to me. My paws shook beneath my weight, wounds pinching and burning, tail moving wildly to try and keep my balance. This the Alpha and the others hadn’t expected, at least not so soon. I could do this, I could make myself. Eyes looked on with interest now.
I made it over one painfully stiff step at a time, each one leaving me fearing my face would meet the dirt again. When I finally reached where the pack sat, Jakkon sat up.

“Head to your den to rest, Raeghan. Someone will bring you food and water, and I’ll send Madden to check you over,” he said.

Another challenge. If I made it to my den, I’d be offered the help of the pack. Acceptance.

The angry huff aimed at him made his lips twitch but he schooled his features back into the stern expression I was used to. I had to swing my body round to head in the right direction, and every wolf I passed reached out to give me a gentle push, a little help and comfort. Touch, something I’d been so deprived of and hadn’t noticed till now. My eyes fluttered as fingers sunk into my fur, enjoying all the praise and affection.

Even with encouragement, I barely made it through the door of my adopted den before I collapsed. With the last of energy, I forced myself to shift to skin. Writhing on the ground as wounds tore and stretched with moving flesh, I gagged as bones settled into place. Dragging myself further in, I gave up halfway between the pile of furs that was the bed, and the firepit.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” I muttered to myself, breathing through every limb that throbbed.

“I was going to ask you the same thing.”

My head whipped around at the voice, quicker than I should have moved because the male in the doorway was a blur of dancing black and rainbow coloured dots. I knew who it was though. Sweet and wild, I could pick his scent out amongst any number of the pack. Ebbe had brought another scent too; cooked meat and herbs wafted my way and I greedily inhaled, stomach tumbling. These weren’t the scraps I was used to.

The door creaked shut and I stiffened as Ebbe and I were alone in an enclosed space. My eyes followed him as he sat by the fire and lit it for me, shifting a grate over so he could lay the meat on to keep it warm. Once I was sure he wasn’t here to irritate me, I let my guard down and pushed myself to sit up.

“I am sure,” I grumbled, but he didn’t even acknowledge I’d spoken.

With a sigh, I rubbed my eyes and went back to watching him. Lips in a flat line, he finished with the fire and dropped a satchel from his shoulder. Pulling out some green herbs, he leaned over and pressed them to my lips. I was too weak to so much as lift my hands and his eyes were ordering me to open my mouth without him needing to say a word. I didn’t even ask what they were for, chewing slowly and cringing as a sour taste filled my mouth. Swallowing harshly, I grimaced, fighting not to gag.

“That’s for the pain, it might make you feel. . .a little odd. Madden gave me some things to put on your wounds too. And mine.” He chuckled darkly, running a hand through his hair so brown strands stood up on all directions.

He was right about the herbs, already I was feeling fuzzy, floaty even. My mind had to repeat what he said and then I had to hold my breath so I could drag my gaze over what the fire revealed of him. An open cut on his cheek, the beginnings of bruising along his ribs, he looked almost as bad as I did. And I hadn’t even noticed.

Reaching out to brush my fingers over the grazes, Ebbe stilled and closed his eyes but didn’t push me away. They definitely weren’t there when he’d been watching me and Jakkon, and he’d disappeared by the time I’d finished, along with Orin.

“Orin did this,” I breathed, no need to question. A sly smile made its way to my lips as I caught his gaze. He'd needed to be subdued...again. “Do you care for me, Ebbe? So much that you can’t bear to watch me fight.”

Maybe I was feeling more than just floaty as I teased him. When had I become so brazen? Didn’t I hate Ebbe?

He did brush me off this time, with pinched features and a clenched jaw. “I don’t like to see anyone fight. I don’t understand why you want to.”
“I don’t want to, I have-“

“No, Raeghan,” he interrupted firmly with a shake of his head. “You do. You want to. You enjoy it, I saw it in the way you moved. Even when you knew you were going to lose, you enjoyed it. It’s in your nature; a dominant wolf loves to challenge and test boundaries, I can understand that. But why do you feel you have to be an Alpha when in succeeding you have to go through more of. . .this.”

He motioned to my various injuries in disgust, injuries that were still definitely on the tame side after a challenge. “I don’t want to clean blood from your skin. I had enough of doing that for myself and Gisli, I can’t stomach more.”

Words tumbled out so freely from his lips, his tone desperate and hurt. I was silent, dissecting everything he’d revealed with careful thoughts. He was upset that I wanted to fight? Why did he feel he had to have anything to do with it if he hated my choices so much?

“Nobody has made it your duty to clean me up, and I don’t need you to, so if you can’t stomach it then just. . . don’t.”

Trembling where he sat, he turned his face away from me and for some reason it pulled a whine from my chest. My fingers danced over his shoulder before trailing up to cup his cheek. A slight tilt of his head and he nuzzled into my fingers like he’d been starved of touch. I moved myself into his view, fighting to keep the pain from my expression where he couldn’t see it.

“I’m alright,” I assured him quietly, my own mind whirring, refusing to acknowledge what a part of me already knew. I pushed it away into a box where I could worry about it later. “You’re right, I do enjoy it. When I’m training, sparring, it’s thrilling. But it was nothing like today, nothing like the exhilaration I felt when I finally issued a challenge, even if I couldn’t back it up. I was in my element. I’m not good with words, but I'll learn to speak and be heard in fur.”

He gave me a look and I snorted, cheeks flushing before I admitted, “Okay, I got my ass kicked, but Jakkon was right, it taught me something. I see the value of pack more clearly now. I understand the need for all wolves to be cared for and treated with respect. I’d never been treated like that before, with open hostility, no offers of help, and I realised everyone was right. I was going about what I wanted all wrong. Today I took a step in the right direction.”

Blue eyes scanned my face, and he relaxed a little. “How should you go about getting what you want then, Raeghan?”

I smirked, stifling a giggle. Gods what had he given me that made me feel like I was glowing? “I take it, Ebbe. The pack will be mine because I love it, every member is family, and I would do anything to keep them all safe, to make sure they never feel alone. I will be Alpha. You can call me princess if you wish.”

The speech had drained me, or maybe the herbs had reached their peak. Slumping back to the ground, only a dull ache was left that throbbed with the beat of my heart. I smiled, relaxing into the high. It felt a lot like the time Fenna and I had shared weed at a party, only a thousand times better. What had we been talking about again?

Ebbe chuckled as he watched me. “I should have known the herbs would affect you so much. How do you feel, oh mighty Alpha?”

“Good,” I purred. “I’m not completely stuck anymore, I can see a path. Will you bow to me when I become Alpha, wolf of the wilds?”

Another amused smile but he was focussed on the food that was now sizzling over the fire. “Who wouldn’t bow to you, princess?”

My nose scrunched and I rolled onto my side to accept the food he placed in front of me. There was no way I could sit up again. I watched Ebbe while I ate, tracing the contours of his body with my eyes. Unfortunately, the angle of his leg hid what I'd been pretending I didn’t want to see from the first time he strode away from me naked.

There was something different about how he was being with me. He really had been worried for me while I fought his Alpha. Where were his snarky comments, his growls and sneers, accusations and angry words?

“Eat, Raeghan. Then I’ll clean your wounds and make sure you get to sleep.”

“Why you?” I asked. “Were you sent to me?”

He shook his head, his features blurring as my drug hazed mind tried to keep up, to stay on track. I couldn’t even remember what I’d asked when he answered, “No. I offered.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Because what?”

“Raeghan,” he warned, finally fixing me with his signature scowl.

I laughed, losing my balance as I tried to sit up again. He caught my arm, hoisting me against him, and my breathing caught as his nose brushed against mine. Lips parted, he looked positively startled at our sudden proximity. More so when I couldn’t stop myself from inhaling his scent, smiling at the familiar warmth of wildflowers and earth. Something growled in the distance, or did it come from the chest vibrating beneath my hand?

“Why?” I asked again.

I watched his lips move, nearly shuddered at how his voice resonated through me. “Because I couldn’t stomach the thought of another touching you.”

Groggily, I lifted my gaze to meet his. He watched me like I was a wild animal, unpredictable and dangerous, maybe I was. Maybe this was dangerous. My hand slid a little higher up his chest and his eyes narrowed. But that didn’t hide the fact there was something new flickering in their depths. A slow smile curled my lips and I leaned in close, my nose brushing against his once more as I breathed in deeply. I could never get enough of his scent.

“What are you doing, Raeghan?” he asked warily, even as his hands slid to my hips, maybe just to steady me because the den was spinning around and I wondered if it was me swaying or him.

“I’m doing what I want. Isn’t that why I’m here? To escape for a while, act like just another, regular wolf?”

His hand had moved, gripping my hip just a little tighter and his skin was scorching hot on mine. Without thinking, I went with my instincts, and my body moved so quickly, even I wasn’t sure what I was going to do until I did it.

I kissed him.

No more than a feather light brush of my lips against his before the world tilted then went black.