کوئی چاند رکھ میری شام پر
میری رات کو مہکا گلاب کر
کسی سایہ دار سے لفظ کو
میرے جلتے دل کا حجاب کر

Afaaf

Grabbing the towel from the nearby stand, I wiped away the water droplets before flickering my eyes to the reflection before me.

My swollen eyes traced my features as I stood like a dead corpse with absolutely blank face. My pale skin standing out against my bloodshot eyes. And my lips dry and wrinkled. My nose slightly pinkish with all the rubbing I had done on it. The brown of my hair cascading down my back, the strands wet with the shower I had taken only a few minutes ago.

What had I done to myself!

Placing the towel away, I turned around and opened the washroom door.

Shaya hurried around the room, gathering her things. I walked to my bed and sat on the corner. My sister smiled my way, coming over to me she cupped my face and placed a kiss on the crown of my head.

" I can take the day off, if you want!"

She suggested as I interlaced my fingers with her. Shaking my head slowly at her. Shaya tilted my chin up. Before she traced her fingers softly under my eyes.

" Say something Afaaf, you haven't spoken since you woke up!" She sighed. Making me avert my eyes.

My gaze falling on the small table clock she had on her side of the bed, seeing it strike past ten in the morning. It was the time, Dadi Gul Jan would sweetly ask me for a cup of tea. And I'd smile at her and ask Khan Dada if he'd want one as well. The older man would nod before returning his eyes to the magazine he read. And then I'll-

" Afaaf, I am talking to you!" My shoulders were shaken softly and I looked at my sister seeing her give me a worried look.

" Why aren't you speaking, say something." She knelt before me. Taking my hands in her.

And I stared blankly at her. I had no words to utter. My mind was blank about everything and anything. What did I have to say, nothing.

Shaya urged me to speak but we're attempts failed. And I felt bad when her lips dipped a low bow and she lowered her head. But I was helpless, I couldn't speak. My tongue was tied and my lips sewed.

Running a hand through my hair, I stood up from my place and Shaya sighed loudly.

" Afaaf, I am sorry for whatever is happening with you." She wrapped her arms around my curled shoulders and I accepted her embrace. Placing my head against her shoulder.

We heard our mother call Shaya from down the stairs, and we pulled apart.

" I am getting late. I'll see you in the evening!" I nodded at her silently. Watching as she grabbed her bag and walked out of the room. A minute later, she peeped inside the room.

" Hurry up, come downstairs for breakfast." She held my hand and I let her as she pulled me along with her.

Mama smiled my way as she saw me drag a chair and sit down. My father was already on the table, eating his breakfast. His eyes shot up when I sat down, before he turned his gaze away. I stared at the brown wood of the table until my mother placed breakfast before me.

" Allah Hafiz!" Shaya said loudly before she walked out to the main gate.

Silence filled every corner after that. And I stared oddly at my plate. Everything was becoming unfamiliar to me. This wasn't my life. I didn't like any of this. This wasn't how my mornings started. This all was of no familiarity.

" Afaaf, eat." My mother said.

The main gate opened and I glanced up. Seeing the manly figure casually walk in. His dark eyes landing on me and the corner of his lip curled up.

" Officer Saim." My father greeted gladly.

" I am sorry that I disturbed you this early, I actually came to check up on Afaaf."

My blood boiled and I pushed my plate away before standing up. The chair protested on the floor with the impact of my standing. Eyes turned my way and I scowled before turning around and walking up the stairs.

" Afaaf!" I heard my mother's worried voice but I slammed the door.

Running a hand up my face, I pulled at my hair strands.

The audacity of the ferocious man, that my father had given him the keys to this house.

I heard the engine of a car roar outside before tires screeched and the car drove away. Seconds later, I heard our main gate bang shut.

" Tell her to behave! If I am not saying anything it doesn't means that I'll tolerate this behavior of hers. And if I raise my hand on her, you'll not like it!" The man growled loudly on my mother before everything went silent again.

I dragged my suitcase to the bed. Before pulling the zipper open. Bending down on the floor, I pulled out the little bag firstly that was filled with all my little things. My makeup bag was next. Pulling out the piles of clothes I kept them on the floor besides me. The softness of the red material skimmed through my hand and I fisted the duppatta before bringing it to my lap.

Running my hand over the clothe, I thought of all the times I wore it. Folding it neatly, I smiled. Something I thought I would not be able to do.

My eyes flickered to the small photo sitting between clothes and bags and I pulled it out, only to have my eyes widen a little.

It was a picture.

A perfect one.

Clicked from the Valima function. The man was smiling widely at the camera whilst I had my eyes on him with a small smile curving my lips.

My throat clogged up as my fingers shook over the photo. I hadn't kept it in. I was seeing the picture for the first time. And maybe the one who had kept it did not know what pain washed over me upon seeing it. And how much relief it brought to me.

Tears brimmed my eyes. As I traced Zaryaab's face.

The door knob twisted and my mother walked in. Dressed in a pale green shalwar kameez, she had her veil loose on her head. Her dark eyes trained on me, filled with worry and sadness and other emotion that I failed to decipher.

Taking in a deep breath, she settled on the floor besides me. Her eyes glancing at the photo in my hand. I watched as she smiled and took the photo from my grasp.

" I wish I could have been there when you became a bride." She stated. Her soft eyes settled on me.

" He's a very good looking man. What's his name?" She asked.

The lump in my throat grew larger and I croaked out,

" Zaryaab."

" Mm. MASHALLAH. A very nice name."

I nodded looking at his picture.

" He wasn't the man I ran away with. Instead he was a savior, a person meant to lead me back home. And do you know where my home belonged?" I asked my mother. Seeing her give me a weird look as if I was talking nonsense.

" Swat. Mama, I was in Swat all these months."

" How did he treat you, Afaaf?" She whispered softly and I smiled.

" He was cold at first, then he was always gentle. He did not know how to be gentle but he tried all his best. He protected me, kept me safe. And above all he respected me. Respected me for who I was. He gave me his name, Mama."

Tears brimmed the woman's eyes and she leaned forward. Curling her arm around my shoulder.

" I can't believe you're married, Afaaf."

Her words broke my heart.

" Separated, mama." I corrected her. Feeling the woman stiffen suddenly.

She moved back and wiped her eyes.

" I wish I had taken that step all those years ago. Left your father and had started a new life with you two." She whispered and I lowered my eyes.

" I can do nothing for you, Afaaf. If only I had been stronger in the past-"

" Why did you not do it?" I asked.

" I was young and unstable. Who would have supported me. With two little daughters, Afaaf, where could have I gone?"

There was no solution for this, never was in the past and never would be in future.

" When your father found out that you had ran away, there was no control on his rage. He stopped Shaya from going to her college and then forbade her from stepping out. Officer Saim glued to your father like second skin. The two men made our lives more miserable."

She paused and leaned against the foot of the bed.

" Sometimes I'd wonder that you succeeded. That you did the right thing. That out in the wild you'll live the life I never got to live. And I'd become happy for you and pray for you. At least my daughter was happy."

She cupped my face. And bitterness filled my heart.

Then why did you all, take my happiness away.

" I am sorry Afaaf, but you'll have to behave before your father. He's more like a robot now, working under the fingers of officer Saim."

I did not react.

" I'll bring some food for you, you must be hungry."

" I have been snatched of shelter and you ask of me being hungry, mama!"

The woman's eyes softened, pain nurturing in them, before she glanced at the door and walked out.

I spent the afternoon, adjusting my clothes in the cupboard. And staring off in space as the neighborhood buzzed with noise. Each time, that I'd try to close my eyes, a beautiful pair of forest green eyes would dance before me. And I'd swallow the building hatred before delving in the moment for as long as I could.

Why was this so hard.

It was separation that would eventually lead to a divorce. And he wanted to divorce me. And that would cut off all relationship I ever had with him. All the beautiful dreams I had created in the little box of my heart that had started to fill with the feeling of love. Why did it have to end like this.

Sometimes, beautiful things don't last for long. But I would have done anything if I was given a chance.Travel the seas for him, get to get him back. But those words uttered by him, had made me hollow from inside.

Allah, why was I blessed with such men in my life. First my father, who kept me deprived of the feeling of fatherly love, officer Saim and then Murad. And then lastly, the man, who I never wanted to add in this list was topping it off.

He was supposed to rule my heart not crush it beneath his feet like sand.

And now that he's gone, I was left incomplete. Utterly defeated and lonely. And I would never be able to tell him that I had started to love him, to live in him. And whenever I'd breath, I'd breath him.

My mind was swirling, I could feel the pressure building inside my brain. And with all the thoughts running in my chaotic state, I felt helpless when my anger turned into tears. Fresh tears rolled down my eyes as the pressure in my eyes couldn't be held back. Burying my face in the pillow, I hugged it trying to suppress the screams.

How was I ever going to get over this!

-

Night fell before I could even imagine. And my hands trembled as the time ran against the waves of my emotions. On Shaya's persistence I had agreed to join my parents for dinner. And then I sat on the silent table. Where the sounds of spoons were more than the human breaths.

" Tomorrow, Officer Saim is going to come for lunch. Prepare for that!" Abba said to no one in particular but his eyes trained on me. And I shivered when he pointed his finger in my direction.

" And you better behave nicely infront of him. I am not gonna cost anything for your foolishness." I lowered my eyes. My heart thudding in my ribcage.

" You were married. But now you are getting divorce. And that is what reality is. It's better you accept it as soon as possible."

I couldn't contain the bubbling screams in my mouth. I couldn't hold on any longer. But sounds were too fresh to be tattered again and again. I pushed the chair back and ran to the stairs.

" Afaaf, I am talking to you." The man growled and I cried out.

Opening the bedroom door, I hurried to the bathroom. Leaning over the toilet seat, I emptied all the contents of my stomach. Feeling a sick feeling conquer me.

Footsteps sounded not very far as I flushed the toilet and leaned against the wall. My breaths heavy as I coughed.

" Afaaf!" Shaya shrieked leaning over me.

" Come, wash up." The girl helped me up and I stood on weak legs as I opened the tap and rinsed my mouth. My pale face greeting me in the mirror.

Walking into the room, I fell on the bed as my sister helped me u see the covers.

" I'll call mama, do you want to eat something?" She asked worriedly making me shake my head.

" Okay, wait here." She turned around leaving the room and I buried my head in the pillow, feeling the throbbing increase in my head.

Ya Allah, ease my pain. I begged in utter desperation.

Cupping a hand over my mouth, I pressed the other hand over my forehead feeling the burning skin. Taking in steady breaths, I tried to distract myself.

" What happened?" A shaky worried voice spoke and I shook my head.

Amma pressed a hand over my forehead before drawing her hand back.

" Your burning." She exclaimed.

I muted all the voices around me as Shaya rushed out of the room whilst Amma kept mumbling something to me.

" Afaaf, there are different stages in love and the most extreme is ishq. People don't go back when they have ishq for someone. Love is not easy. It's a feeling that can make and break. Then think what Ishq can do to people!"

" Dadi Gul Jan, this sounds poetic. But I like it. In any coming stage of my life,if I'll do then I'll do ishq."

The woman chuckled, shaking her head softly at me.

" Ishq is heavy Afaaf, it costs life."

I gulped the medicine down and laid down on the bed.

" Go mama." I said to the woman and she nodded feeling the irritation in my voice and I hated myself for behaving this way but I had no control over myself.

The lights were switched off and darkness fell around. Turning on my side, I fisted the bedsheet. My thoughts going back to the one responsible for my misery.

And before sleep enveloped me into nightmares, I thought of only one thing with bitterness and hate coating my heart.

" Maafi maange ga, tab bhe maaf nhe karonge!"

***

Last year when I fell into the most serious depressing stage of my life, I remember I stopped speaking. I would sit for hours and hear people speak about whatever but I was mute for weeks. I would give short answers but the ability to converse with someone had become inactive. And I think it's very depressing! And it hurts like hell!! This state. When you don't want to speak.

Khair, what are your views on the story, where is it heading to!?

Do vote, comment, share and follow!!

Until next time,

_Hafsa💕