The assassin glared up as Kronii gazed down at her. There was a severe gap in their abilities, Kronii was the damn warden of time. She had all of the power in this situation and she was unapologetic about it.

???: "... Merde."

Kronii: "Ah, you're French?"

???: "Yes, though I only really swear in French. You can thank my English preference to that idiot you live with."

Kronii: "I don't live there. Not to mention, do you have any idea how many idiots are in that house?"

???: "Fair enough. Still, I have a bounty to claim. Someone wants the redheaded idiot dead."

Kronii: "Oh? And you think he'll let you kill him?"

???: "Of course! It wouldn't be the first time! He's an HVT, most bounties on his head go for hundreds of thousands!"

Kronii: "In that case, let's go see him about it."

The assassin was stunned by Kronii's casual agreement and she blinked before finding herself in a strange city she had never seen before.

She took a few steps forward before hearing some kind of clicking sound from nearby. Kronii heard it too and the two walked to a nearby pit. Peering down, they saw Arachea having his carapace cleaned while electricity crackled around him.

Kronii: "Someone seems happy."

???: "He's gettin' VIP treatment here. Besides, I have big plans for thunder spood down there."

The assassin jumped and aimed her handgun at Rage as he smirked at her.

Rage: "Another bounty on my head, Saru?"

Kronii: "Huh, so she was telling the truth. You two do know each other."

"HORNY CYBER-ASSASSIN FROM THE FUTURE" SARUEI

Saruei: "Of course we know each other! We were partners for a few years!"

Kronii: "Seriously?"

Rage: "Aye, Saru and I used to pull off some fuckin' crazy assassinations together."

Saruei: "The fucking North Korea job is still by far my favourite."

Rage: "Wasn't that the one where I threw you off the roof of a building so you could kill the target."

Saruei: "Yes, that's the one. You threw me from the roof of one building to the roof of the other building and I got the kill in mid-air. But that was the past, let me kill you."

Rage: "Hmm... Better idea. Come with me for a minute, I may have a better alternative for ya."

Saruei lowered her gun and cautiously followed Rage through the gateway out of his pocket dimension. She and Kronii followed him to Red's office before he promptly took hold of the handle...

Rage: "With a wave of my finger and a flick of my dick."

He then proceeded to tear the door off of it's hinges.

Red immediately summoned one of his cannons, but he lowered it as soon as he saw who was at the door.

Red: "Jesus, Rage. Fucking open the door like a normal person."

Rage: "HA! No. I got a request anyway."

Red: "And you think I'll listen to it after you tore my office door off it's hinges?"

Rage: "Do you not remember holocaust 2: electric boogaloo?"

Everyone: "... I'm sorry, W H A T?"

Rage: "Not important. I wanna hire Saruei as our personal mercenary."

Saruei: "... Attends quoi?"

Red: "... What's her record?"

Rage: "Three thousand confirmed kills over the course of her entire career both in this timeline and in her old one. Job failure rate of zero point zero zero four percent. Accuracy rating of nine point eight seven."

Red: "That out of ten?"

Rage: "Aye."

Red: "I see. Alright then, what's the usual rate for mercenary duty?"

Saruei: "I usually only take one time assassin jobs, never worked as a personal merc before."

Red: "The five idiots I look after get two grand a month as pocket money. I can offer you four grand as mercenary charges per month as a starting point."

Saruei: "Wait, you can do that?"

Red: "I'm a military admiral, Saruei. This is barely a blip on my own funds. Besides, I'm no longer the only source of income in the house since Rage is currently being funded for his weapons developments and technological research."

Rage nodded with a smug grin as Kronii seemed to be mildly interested in his research.

Saruei: "... I'll take the four. But I want access to cutting edge weaponry."

Rage: "I can provide that. Whaddya want? Antimatter rifles? Railguns?"

Saruei: "I'll peruse the catalogue when I get a chance. I should probably look into getting a hotel here."

Red: "No need, we have plenty of guest rooms. There should be one across from the indoor pool area."

Rage: "The sauna's also basically next door to you."

Saruei: "... Nice."

With that, Saruei exited the office as Rage lead her to the room next to the sauna.

Reaper was busy doing some light reading in his room as this was happening until he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He held it to his ear as he accepted the call.

Reaper: "Hello?"

???: "I was half expecting you to ignore me, Reaper. You've been doing it for the past few years after all."

Reaper's eyes narrowed as he realised who he was talking to.

Reaper: "I seem to remember saying I wanted no part in what you guys are doing. Why the sudden call?"

???: "Something's gone awry. You know Kokabiel, the cadre class fallen angel?"

Reaper: "I've heard the name."

???: "He's stolen some shards of Excalibur. My guess is he wants to start up another war. If that happens then achieving my silence will be made much more difficult. I'd like you to deal with him."

Reaper: "I won't be doing so alone. I have a new home now, I'll handle Kokabiel, but if your group turns their sights to us, don't expect me to hold back just because we're acquainted."

The person on the other end of the phone laughed lightly.

???: "This is why I like you. One way or another, you get things done that benefit us. Perhaps when I have finally achieved my silence, you can start visiting more often."

Reaper: "That's if you achieve it. Great Red's not something to be trifled with. Not to mention, with how crazy our group is, he may be the least of your worries."

???: "Oh? And why do you say that?"

Reaper: "Pine almost accidentally broke Trihexa's seal while she was studying once. Cheese almost gassed half a devil's territory with a single fart a few weeks back. Rage recently started talking in R'Lyehian more often so I'm convinced he's made contact with a great old one... And that about covers that shitshow."

???: "... I'm sorry one of you ACCIDENTALLY almost broke Trihexa's seal?"

Reaper: "To be fair, she realised what she was doing and reinforced the seal. though something makes me think either Smol or Rage is going to undo the seal because they find it funny."

???: "If that happens, I will deal with them personally."

Reaper just chuckled, if even this person thought she could handle any one of them by herself then she was more naïve than he gave her credit for.

Before she could say anything else, he hung up the phone and got out of his bed to go talk to Red about the information he had just received.

He walked downstairs and entered the office like a normal person as Red got off the phone.

Red: "Reaper. What's up?"

Reaper: "I got some info."

Reaper explained what his contact had told him to Red, the admiral understood and immediately had Rage deploy a squadron of surveillance drones across the city to find any priests that were with the fallen.

A few days passed without incident, however eventually one of the drones caught Kiba fighting with a familiar cockroach of a priest, Freed Selzen.

In that time frame, Rage had left the country with Okita to deal with some business. Well, that was what he told the others. In actuality, Rage had gone to Scotland to reacquaint himself with his parents and remaining sibling.

He was yet to return from that trip, as such, Red and the others went to go and meet with Rias and the ORC to see if they had heard from Kiba.

Rias: "Kiba's gone dark on us. He doesn't answer his phone, doesn't come to school and he doesn't even answer the door when we try and talk to him."

Red: "Has he ever acted like this before?"

Rias: "No, this is a first for him."

Akeno: "Could it be to do with the holy sword project?"

Red raised an eyebrow as the others took a seat on the couches.

Rias: "He started acting strangely since Rage mentioned he was going to do some studies on the swords... It must be related."

Asia: "What's the holy sword project?"

Red: "It was a project set up by exiled members of the church which saw several children experimented on to try and have them wield Excalibur. The project was a failure and the subjects were terminated. Killed. Every last one."

Rias: "Except for Kiba. I brought him into my household when he escaped."

Akeno: "Yup. Kiba's always hidden away from his past. With the recent emergence of the holy swords in his life again, he's on the warpath."

Cheese: "Can I beat him up?"

Red: "No, we'll need someone who can demolish him in a swordfight to set him straight."

Reaper: "So the candidates are you, myself and Rage."

Red: "There is another, one that I believe is showing up in a few minutes."

Rias: "So you knew about the exorcists?"

Red: "I looked into them beforehand. They're both skilled holy sword users."

Smol: [From what I saw, one uses a katana and the other uses a fucking claymore or a buster sword.]

Rias: "I'll keep that in mind."

Red: "We'll stick around for the meeting. I have a bad feeling about it after all."

???: "Hope ya don't mind if we help out."

Red and Rias turned to the window as Raynare, Mittelt and Kalawarner flew into the room.

Rias: "It's been a while, you three."

Kalawarner: "Azazel wanted us to report back to Grigori. Kokabiel's in deep shit."

Mittelt: "Hell yeah he is! Apparently Azazel's employed the white dragon emperor to take him down!"

Raynare: "Too bad the white dragon's efforts'll be wasted since these guys are here."

The conversation was about to continue when the doors were opened and two robed figures walked in. They froze as they spotted the fallen angels at the window. Before they could reach for their weapons though, Cheese pointed his minigun at them. Where he got it from nobody knows, but we don't question these things here.

???: "You're allied with the fallen after all?"

Red: "These ones are from Grigori under Azazel's orders. Kokabiel's gone rogue."

Rias: "We would never ally with a maniac like Kokabiel. For now though, take a seat. We can discuss whatever it is you wish to talk about in some measure of comfort."

The two exorcists cautiously took a seat as Rias' peerage stood behind the couch at the window. Asia trembled slightly as one of the exorcists' piercing gaze landed on her.

???: "I suppose introductions are in order. I am Xenovia."

XENOVIA "INSATIABLE HORNY HOURS" QUARTA

The other exorcist came across as far more friendly than her partner.

???: "I'm Irina Shidou. It's nice to meet all of you."

IRINA "OVERLY FRIENDLY HAPPY HANDLES" SHIDOU

Rias: "It's nice to meet you as well, Irina. I am Rias Gremory."

Xenovia: "We know, devil."

Red: "I'm admiral Red Scorpion."

Irina: "An admiral? Why have you got military personnel here?"

Red: "I'm here out of self interest for the most part."

Irina: "Huh. Fair enough then."

Xenovia: "This doesn't concern humans. It's best if you leave, admiral."

Red: "I'm the legal guardian of one of her devils, so this very much is my business. Especially if this coconut guy wants to start a war."

Rias: "Kokabiel."

Red: "I know! I'm bad at pronouncing things, leave me alone!"

Xenovia: "Enough. the main reason we called this meeting is simple."

Rias: "Oh?"

Xenovia: "Stay out of our way. This is a church matter. The devils have no place getting involved."

Rias: "Oh really? You know this is taking place within my territory and you expect me to sit back and do nothing while this madman and his cultists run amok and attempt to start a war? Just how ridiculous can you get?"

Xenovia: "Are you ready to go against the whole church for that notion?"

???: "I don't know about you lot, but there's something fun about making unreasonable threats. Like if you don't back the fuck off I'm going to go up to the pearly gates and skin one of the angels alive."

Xenovia and Irina visibly flinched as Rage walked into the room with a peppy yet incredibly menacing tone.

Red: "Good business trip, Rage?"

Rage: "Oh yeah. But now I come back to find my fiancé being threatened by an insect who thinks she's better than everyone else."

Xenovia shot to her feet and reached for her sword before advancing on Rage's position. She didn't hesitate and went to swing at him, however he just smirked as his boot crashed into her stomach. Xenovia glared at him before pointing her sword downwards. Irina's eyes widened as she knew what would happen if the sword was driven into the floor.

Rage however just laughed before Xenovia felt cold steel against her throat.

Okita's eyes were glazed over with anger as she kept Xenovia restrained.

Okita: "You so much as think about it, I will paint this room with your blood."

Irina dared not move, however Rage waved his hand and motioned for Okita to stand down. She did so and walked to his side as Xenovia slung her sword back over her shoulder.

Xenovia: "So you are the one that Red mentioned was one of his charges?"

Rage: "Sure fuckin' am! You can call me Rage. Also, if either of you try anything, Botan's ready with a rifle by the door and Saru's on a building in the middle of town with a clear view of your head and an anti-matter rifle locked and loaded."

Irina: "O- Okay, let's all calm down for a moment. We can be civil about this, right?"

Rage: "Violence is the only true path."

Red: "I agree with Irina. Xenovia, take a seat. Rage, go get a snickers or something."

Rage shrugged and produced a bottle of 800% pure Russian vodka. Xenovia and Irina both sat nervously as Rage downed the alcohol and put Clarent over his shoulder in a subtle threat.

Red: "Right, now that impending violence has been avoided."

Rage: "For now."

Red: "Shut up. Anyway, Xe-... Did someone get her first name?"

Rias: "Xenovia."

Red: "That. Why did you automatically assume that Rias would side with the fallen. And those three don't count."

Red motioned to the three fallen who were stood behind the couch casually playing YuGiOh with the others.

Xenovia: "It's simple. Holy swords are toxic to devils, it's only natural to assume that-"

Red: "Okay, few things right off the bat. One, I'm here so that wouldn't be happening. Two, Rias actually has a sense of self-pride. No offense, to the three fallen."

Raynare: "None taken."

Mittelt: "We get that a lot actually- KALA, DID YOU JUST STEAL A CARD FROM MY DECK!?"

Kalawarner: *innocent whistling*

Red: "Ugh, anyway, you get my point."

Irina: "Well... No actually, you got us there. We've never really dealt with devils before so we don't know how they operate."

Xenovia: "I was simply taught to never trust a devil or a fallen."

Red: "your teacher sounds dumb."

Xenovia: "Well..."

Xenovia thought of her teacher before turning a ghostly pale as she remembered how pants-shittingly terrifying it was to learn under Griselda Quarta.

Xenovia shrunk into the couch a little as she remembered.

Xenovia: "I'd... Rather not talk about sister Griselda."

The others were slightly confused, apart from Irina who tried to comfort her friend as she endured the ptsd of her training.

Irina: "Getting back on topic of the holy swords. Two of the shards of Excalibur are with us. The one I use is Excalibur mimic."

Xenovia: "And I use Excalibur destruction."

Red: "So if you had stabbed that thing into the floor..."

Xenovia: "There would be no more floor left."

Rage: "... I want one."

Red: "Don't you have multiple nukes?"

Rage: "No... Cheese, Smol, I need you two to hide the nukes."

Smol: [We got nowhere to put them.]

Cheese: "Yeah... I could try and eat 'em."

Rage: "What? Can you even do that?"

Cheese: "Only one way to find out."

Smol: [If he can handle Astolfo, he can handle a nuke.]

Rage/Cheese: "That's not how that works, but okay."

Xenovia: "Either way. There were three swords stolen from the church. From what I know they were Excalibur Rapid, Excalibur Nightmare and Excalibur Transparency."

Red: "... You've got to be joking. THOSE are the names given to shards of Excalibur?"

Irina: "They're dumb, we know. But we're not good at coming up with other names for them."

Pine: "That's easy enough to see."

Reaper: "You could've called the transparency one the Glass Excalibur since you can see through it."

Pine: "I guess we can say..."

Everyone: "B E S I L E N T S H O R T P E R S O N ! !"

Red: "Regardless. If cocoballs-"

Akeno: "Kokabiel."

Red: "-Is going to be an issue. Then it's technically my job to take care of it since I'm charged with dealing with supernatural occurrences."

Xenovia: "And you believe you and your charges, who seem to be more focussed on that card game, are capable of pulling this off?"

As she spoke, Red looked over as Rage produced seven cards and placed them on the ground.

Rage: "Boom. Exodia the forbidden one, with the balls included."

Raynare: "... Why though?"

Kalawarner: "Why not apparently."

Irina: "yeah... Are you sure they're gonna be good to help out?"

Red: "Let me put it this way. Smol's by far the fastest of us, clocking in at mach 2 at one point. Cheese can deadlift a crane, Pine has enough magic knowledge to keep us going for centuries, or she could destroy a planet at this point. Rage is both powerful and crazy enough to do the same as Pine, but more violently. And Reaper doesn't die. At all. It just makes him stronger for some reason."

Irina: "And yet..."

Xenovia: "And yet they act like children."

Cheese: "Oi! I'll have you know we act like mentally challenged children! There's a difference!"

Rage: "Exactly! That difference is the number of chromosomes we have!"

As he finished speaking, the weebs began to burst out laughing.

Red: "You can always count on them to make jokes like that as well."

Xenovia: "I... See."

Irina: "Isn't that offensive though?"

Red: "I'm going to quote Cheese here. It's not offensive if the people it offends are dead."

Cheese: "Was that when I went on a genocide against retards?"

Xenovia: "... Wait, repeat that?"

Red: "Don't. Anyway, getting back on topic. I assume that stray exorcists will be working with Coco-"

Mittelt: "Kokabiel."

Red: "I didn't even get to finish!"

Mittelt: "You were gonna fuck it up again."

Red: "I'll fuck you up!"

Mittelt: "Ha! As if you could!"

The others went dead silent as they tried not to laugh.

Reaper: "So is that fuck up in the fighting sense or..."

Cheese: "Considering Red's interests, it'll be the other version."

Red: "OI!"

Reaper: "... Lewd."

Kalawarner: "Get a room you two."

Red: "... Ignoring you lot now. Anyways. If any exorcists are working with him, we'll need information from them. In that sense, I can put Smol to good use since he excels at dealing with interrogation."

Rage: "Oi! I'm good at it as well!"

Red: "Rage. You 'Interrogated' someone by slowly skinning them alive."

Rage: "I got the info, didn't I?"

Red: "I HAD TO DEAL WITH THE U.N. AFTER THAT!!"

Rage: "... And?"

Xenovia: "Getting back on track for a moment. You're confident that these charges of yours can handle Kokabiel and his underlings?"

Red: "Put it this way. None of you has seen a single one of us going all out yet. Not even Rias' peerage and until I give the word. None of you will ever see us go all out."

Akeno: "Wait, then even when Rage dropped a damn sun on Riser!?"

Red: "He's done worse. Believe me, before I got him under control, he did FAR worse."

Rage: "I committed solar system wide genocide!"

Everyone who wasn't a weeb looked at Rage with a look of fear as he smiled, apparently rather proud of himself for that one.

Red: "Yes... That happened."

Irina: "A- Alright then. Let's do this. Xenovia and I will search for exorcists in the north section of town. You six can divide the rest of the town between you."

Xenovia: "Numbers will be important."

Weebs: "HA! No."

Red: "We'll divide it up as we see fit. Besides, as I'm the highest ranking person in this room, I'll be taking command."

As Red finished his sentence, a shot rang out as Rage hit the floor with a thud and blood poured out of the bullet hole in his head.

Red: "... Really, Saruei?"

Saru: "... I wanted that bounty."

Irina was in a state of shock and she would eternally deny the shriek she let out when Rage stood back up and casually knocked the bullet out of his head.

Red: "How was your nap?"

Rage: "Mildly annoying, but refreshing. At least I know that anti-matter rifle works wonders now!"

Red: "Good... Wait, anti-MATTER!?"

Rage: "Yes, Anti-matter."

Cheese: "... Can you-"

Rage: "Minigun development is in progress, Cheese."

Red: "... I hate you sometimes."

Rage: "I'm very much aware."

Red: "That reminds me, I still need to figure out why the fuck you stole the Elephant's foot."

Rage: "The what?"

Red: "The elephant's foot. The material from Chernobyl."

Rage: "I haven't been to Chernobyl in over three years, Red."

Red: "... Then who stole it?"

All heads slowly swung around and looked at Cheese, who whistled in faux innocence.

Red: "... What did you do, Cheese?"

Rage: "Wait. Cheese, you gave me a crate of materials for ammunition production, right?"

Cheese: "... Maybe."

Rage: "Did you have me make fucking bullets out of elephants foot?"

Cheese: "... Mayyyybe."

Red: "... I'm going to have a fucking aneurysm at this point."

Koneko: "Wow, you can actually pronounce that?"

Red: "Silence or I'll stop buying sweets!"

Koneko: "Cool. I'll just steal them from Cheese then."

Cheese: "Try me."

Koneko: "You'll never see it coming."

Red: "No headpats then."

Koneko: "Okay, let's not get too crazy here."

There was a light laugh from everyone that wasn't an exorcist in the room.

Irina: "Wait, wait, wait! HOW!?!?"

Red: "Hm?"

Irina: "He took a bullet to the head! Then he just got up and knocked the bullet out like it was nothing!"

Xenovia: "I believe that one is a devil."

Rage: "Only a reincarnated one. Trust me, getting the timing right for that was a bitch."

Rias: "You can say that again. It took us at least ten attempts to actually get him resurrected as a devil."

Red: "Well that was due to Calli being in close proximity."

Irina: "Anyway. Like we said earlier, the matter with the fallen angels is a matter for the church to handle."

Kalawarner: "Except for the fact that Governor General Azazel has given the green light to allow the devils to bring Kokabiel down."

Rias: "Excellent. Red, I assume you'll want to be involved?"

Red: "If human lives are going to be at risk because of a fallen angel, then naturally."

Rage: "Oh, cool. I get to use the dingir."

Red: "... The what?"

Rage: "Don't worry about it."

Rias: "Anyway. Basically what we're saying here is go back to turning a blind eye to your priests spreading the word of god all over the altar boy's back."

Red: "... I blame you lot for that one."

Koneko: "You had a hand in it as well, you know."

Red: "The law requires that I answer no."

Asia: "Um, maybe we shouldn't make them angry. It is the church after all."

That one sentence. That was enough to set all six weebs into offense mode. Buckle up, chuckle fucks; this shit boutta get wild.

Rage: "I mean, last time the church was angry, it was because someone posted a notice on a door. I don't think they'd be too pissed about people finding out that the word of god comes from below the robes."

Cheese: "Wasn't that because it was a protestant thing to do and the Catholics started whining like cringe ass babies."

Reaper: "There was also the fact that the church likes to just skim over the witch hunts."

Rage/Cheese: "Salem."

Red: "There've also been multiple incidents of this lot being hunted by the church. Cheese for his ability to transform into a bear. Smol for being Smol. Rage because he pissed on a cross. Reaper for his lack of a soul so to speak. And finally, Pine because she has a contract with a demon."

Xenovia: "Clearly there were better reasons for the others than just that."

Rage: "Me being hunted coulda had something to do with the fact that I used a church as a projectile when Red told me I couldn't shoot someone with a gun. I instead shot that person with a church."

Cheese: "Was that before or after the cathedral incide-"

Rage: "SHUT UP! HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT ONE YET!"

Red: "*sigh* You see the shit I need to deal with?"

Akeno: "You brought it on yourself by taking them in."

Red: "Biggest regret of my life was not putting them under tighter restraints."

Smol: [Kinky.]

Red: "You need to just not."

Irina: "I don't suppose we can change your mind about getting involved?"

Red: "Unfortunately not. As there are human lives that are going to be at risk if Co-"

Kalawarner: "Kokabiel."

Red: "SHUSH! I'LL GET IT EVENTUALLY!"

Koneko: "No you won't."

Asia: "I have to agree with Koneko, sorry."

Red: "... I am in great physical pain."

Rage: "Will you die if I kill you?"

Red: "How many times have you tried that now?"

Rage: "Not enough to get good enough results."

Red: "Anyway! If this guy's going to be putting lives at risk then there's no way I'm not getting involved. I'm a naval admiral, it's in my job description to keep people safe."

Cheese: "*cough* Kill count's at seven thousand! *cough*"

Smol: [I've tortured civvies.]

Rage: "I don't even need to answer here."

Pine: "I... May have done some human experimentation..."

Reaper: "I totally didn't go on a genocide of American fast food restaurants."

Red: "... I hate all of you."

Koneko: "And yet I could do the same thing and you'd still try and bribe me with chocolate."

Red: "DON'T FUCKING CALL ME OUT LIKE THAT!!"

Koneko: "Just did."

Reaper: "How does it feel to get sassed by a midget?"

Koneko: "Kinda like how it's gonna feel if I punch you between the legs."

Rias: "Okay, Koneko. That's enough. Her height's a sensitive subject, so maybe refrain from that."

Rage: "... Imma do it."

Red: "Don't."

Rage: "I'm finna do it."

Koneko: "I will launch you through the window."

Rage: *inhale*

Akeno: "Oh look over there, someone's committing arson."

Rage: "NOT WITHOUT ME!!"

With a burst of speed and a crash through the wall, Rage exited the building.

Red: "Very well played, Akeno."

Akeno: "I wasn't lying though. Someone's setting that tree on fire."

Red deadpanned to the point that if he did so any more, the universe would collapse in on itself.

Red: "Ignoring it. Anyway. If there are pieces of excalibur missing, then we should split up and go find them all. Cheese and Smol, I want you two searching the north of the town."

Smol: [Why north?]

Cheese: "Because everyone knows the south is seven shades of fucked."

Red: "Also the so-called demon district is in the south and I know for a fact Rage is going to have an aneurism if he doesn't go there to drink with Takahata and the others."

Cheese: "Also accurate. A'ight, we'll check tomorrow morning."

Red: "Good. Pine and Reaper, I want you checking the east side of town."

Pine: "Easy enough."

Reaper: "I take it you'll be taking the west."

Red: "Fuck no, I got too much paperwork to worry about. Rias' group can handle the west."

Rias: "Wow, land us with the junkies, huh?"

Red: "It's either that or you deal with the school area. Or even worse, you can help out with the paperwork."

Rias: "You even mention that in front of me ever again, I'm gonna burn one of your bodypillows. I know where you hide them, Rage told me."

Red: "... How the hell did he get past my- Actually that's a dumb question, he probably just fucking dooted over there."

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Rage: "And I'll fucking do it again!"

Red: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

Red tried to throw a punch when he realised that he was better off with weapons as when the punch landed, there was a moment of silence when a sound akin to glass shattering emanated from Red's arm as that bitch disintegrated.

Rage: "... How'd that go for ya?"

Red: "... *inhale* ... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

Rias: "... What just happened?"

Cheese: "One of the very few parts of Red that can actually be decently damaged are his arms. Because they're frail enough that they shatter upon impact if he so much as tries to punch something."

Red: "Listen, kids. Drinking milk doesn't help. BECAUSE LOOK AT MY FLOPPY ARM NOW!!"

Smol: [Heh... Floppy.]

Rage: "To be fair, calcium based drinks don't do much for someone who runs on tea and oil."

Reaper: "Hm? Someone say oil?"

Red: "Hold him down. We don't need a repeat of Iraq."

Akeno: "What happened in Iraq?"

Smol: [We don't talk about Iraq.]

Cheese: "What happens in Iraq stays in Iraq."

Rage: "Iraq?... OH! WAS THAT WHEN I SLAUGHTERED A REFUGEE CAMP!?"

Everyone: "... W H A T ?"

Red had nothing to say at that point. He just turned and walked out of the room...

Or he would have, if his arm didn't get trapped in the door on his way out.

Red: "... Assistance needed!"

Rage: "Reaper, you have this one."

Reaper: "Nope, Smol's turn."

Smol: [Fuck off, I did it last time. It's Cheese's turn.]

Pine: "Didn't Cheese break his arm further last time?"

Cheese: "I didn't know what I was doing."

Red: "IF ONE OF YOU DOESN'T GET MY ARM OUT OF THE DOOR RIGHT NOW, I'M BLOWING THE DOOR OFF IT'S HINGES!"

Rias: "Don't do that! That door's expensive!"

There was a moment of silence before the sound of a cannon loading could be heard.

Rage: "He's trying to cause more property damage than me! I WON'T HAVE IT."

Before anyone could stop him, he had already produced a familiar sword. Xenovia's and Irina's eyes widened as the holy aura the sword produced almost encompassed the room.

Red: "... Rage. That better not be what I think it is. We all know what kind of damage that thing causes."

Rage: "You act like I don't use Ea on the daily. Anyway shut up and let me do my thing."

Rage held the sword so the blade was in front of his face. He then briefly closed his eyes before they opened with a blue glow.

Rage: "Sheathed in the breath of the planet..."

Red: "Rage, no!"

Rage: "A torrent of shining life. Now feel it's wrath..."

Red: "RAGE, I SWEAR TO WHATEVER GOD THERE MAY OR MAY NOT BE!!"

Rage: "Ex..."

Red: "NO!"

Rage: "... Calibur."

Red: "Aw, FU-!"

Within mere moments of that final word being said, the room was lit up by a brilliant golden light as Rage brought the sword down. Upon regaining their vision, the devils, fallen angels and exorcists all stared in awe as half of the fucking old school building had been vaporised.

A few seconds later, the phone started to ring.

Rias: "Hello?"

Red: "Put me on speaker. Now."

Rias complied and put the now very irritated Red on speaker.

Red: "This! This is why we don't let Rage do things!"

Rage: "Cry about it."

Cheese: "Yeah, sounds like a skill issue."

Red: "I'll show you a skill issue when I beat you over the head with a fucking fish."

Rage: "You mean like the swordfish incident?"

Red: "We don't talk about the swordfish incident. Anyway, I'M IN FUCKING BRAZIL!!"

Pine: "Oh, pick me up some Papayas and some Maracujá."

Red: "The fuck is Maraca- Whatever the fuck that second one was."

Pine: "Passion fruit."

Red: "Oh, right then. Anyone else want anything while I'm here."

Rage: "Smack Pablo for me, fucker owes me ten grand for a job I did a while back."

Red: "Who the fuck is Pablo?"

Rage: "Not someone you should worry about. Just know he has a stupid fucking moustache. If you see him, smack him and kindly remove ten grand from his corpse."

Red: "Rias, does anyone from your peerage want anything?"

Rias: "I think we're fine."

Koneko: "I want an ocelot."

Rias: "Koneko, we've been over this. You're not allowed to keep big cats."

Red: "... Doesn't stop Floridians or Russians."

Rias: "Don't give her more ammo. I legit had to talk her out of it for seven months before she relented. Seven. Fucking. Months."

Red: "Rookie numbers, I have to prevent this lot from getting any kind of wild animal like the fucking abomination that Rage tried to create by crossbreeding every species of bear."

Rage: "We called it Big Billy."

Red: "That fucking thing caused eighty three deaths within its first year of life!"

Rage: "Well at least it ain't a bipolar murder horse, a homicidal Oreo dolphin or a fucking tank with anger issues."

Akeno: "... Y'know. I've been hanging around you guys long enough to actually know exactly which animals you're talking about."

Irina: "Wait, you actually understand him?"

Akeno: "In the order he mentioned them, it's Hippo, Orca and Rhino, right?"

Rias: "... I'm not even surprised at this point."

Rage: "How about camels?"

Rias: "... Rage. I will castrate you if you bring one of those things anywhere near me."

Rage's only response was a very suspicious smirk that cracked on his face.

Red: "Right, moving on! Since I've given everyone your areas of the town to investigate, I'll say this now. Do not. Kill. Anyone."

Weebs: "No promises."

Red: "Fuck it, that's as good as I'm gonna get. Now how the fuck am I getting home?"

Saruei: "There's a pretty prominent hitman community in Brazil. Just go find one of them and tell them that Saruei's calling in a favour."

Red: "Thank you, Saruei. If you need anything when I get back then just ask."

Saruei: "It's fine. I need to use up my favours anyway. We have a system where a favour lasts for the year. Once it's up, any favours you haven't called in are moot."

Red: "On a side note. Rias, has Sona given any extra information on this stalker I apparently have?"

Rias: "Yes actually, you're looking for someone with a ponytail."

Red: "Black hair and a ponytail. Anything else?"

Rias: "Second year student by the sounds of things."

Red: "Alright, then for the rest of you be careful and keep an eye out for anyone who fits that description."

Rage: "... A hundred dollars to whoever kills her fastest."

Reaper: "Deal."

Cheese: "Oh boy, here I go killing again."

Pine: "No thanks."

Smol: [Count me in.]

Rage: "A'ight. Weapons are restricted to melee only. We don't want a repeat of Tuscany."

Red: "... What happened in Tuscany?"

Rage: "What didn't happen in Tuscany?"

Pine: "Was that when you were practicing Astromancy?"

Red: "And with that, I'm hanging up."

When the phone hung up, there was a collective laugh from the weebs before everyone headed out. However Xenovia stopped them momentarily.

Xenovia: "Hold on. If you go through with this, you'll be inciting a war with the church."

Cheese: "Wouldn't be the first time."

Smol: [Yeah. We declared war on the church three years ago when we sent death threats to the pope.]

Xenovia: "... I'm sorry, you did what?"

Pine: "Don't worry too much about it. The furthest they've taken their crusade of annoying Christianity is by burning down a few churches."

Xenovia: "THAT DOESN'T HELP!!"

Cheese: "Anyway, wanna head home so we can start looking around tomorrow?"

Reaper: "Sounds fair. I'm going to be doing some practice in the kitchen when we get home if that's okay."

Rage: "Go ahead, I have some stuff I need to test. Cheese, I may need to and Botan to do some weapons calibration."

Saruei: "What about me?"

Rage: "If you want to you can help as well. I'm not opposed to having more weapons testers."

Xenovia: "WAIT JUST A DAMNED MINUTE!!"

The weebs and devils all turned to the exorcist as she held her shard of excalibur towards Rage.

Xenovia: "If you go through with this, I will not hold back like I did earlier."

...

Within a few seconds, everyone burst out laughing as Xenovia tried to hide her embarrassment.

Cheese: "I dunno how to tell ya this. But that's dumb. You're dumb and your whole church is dumb."

Irina: "I mean you don't have to get the church involved with that statement."

Cheese: "Yeah I do. She was raised by the church therefore church fuckin' stupid."

Reaper: "Surely there are no flaws in that reasoning."

Pine: "Can we just go already. I have to study for a test tomorrow."

Smol: [Pine. You said the same thing yesterday and Rage affirmed that there was no test.]

Pine: "It uh... It got delayed."

Rage: "No it didn't. The test was two weeks ago. She's been bullshitting this whole time."

Pine: "Have not!"

Cheese: "Yeah, I haven't seen Rage lifting a gun to his head after a class so I know there was no test."

Pine: *Incoherent Gremlin Noises*

Rage: "Anyways, let's head home. Reaper, I allow you to use the kitchen since apparently you want to experiment."

Reaper: "Thank you. I assume you're going to be committing several war crimes?"

Rage: "Nah. Just building new weapons. I got an extra source of funding after all."

Cheese: "Do we wanna know?"

Rage: "No and if you ask I will personally castrate you with a torque wrench."

Every male in the room simultaneously held their crotches and cringed from the mental image as Rage turned to walk out of the room... Or at least what was left of it since half of the building was erased.

Rias: "And how are you gonna fix the building, Rage?"

Rage: "Just ask your brother. Besides, I did him a favour recently."

Rias: "Wait, you did?"

Rage: "Yeah. Just uh... Don't ask about the Phenex territory. You may not like the answer to that question."

Cheese: "You blew it up, didn't you?"

Rage: "Flooded the place with holy water."

Rias could only gawk in annoyance as the group walked off.

The two exorcists were also in shock before Irina turned to Rias.

Irina: "So uh... That happened."

Akeno: "Well, you can't say things aren't interesting with them around."

Xenovia: "Just how insane are they?"

Koneko: "Unless you want to be on their level of insanity. I suggest you don't ask."

Asia: "Yeah. I don't have anything against any of them. But they are kind of crazy."

Rias: "Yes well, being unable to die would make you kind of unhinged."

Xenovia raised an eyebrow before asking about what Rias meant. She then went on to explain that due to their connection to Calli, if the weebs ever died, they would be brought back to life a few seconds later. Well, a few seconds if Calli was close to them and up to ten minutes if Calli was in Florida (the underworld.)

Anyway, once all was explained to them, the exorcists headed back to the church since they had nowhere to stay for the night. The front entrance was mostly a pile of rubble, however the remains of the church would have to suffice in sheltering them.

Despite the cold, they managed to sleep pretty peacefully through the night...

Until Xenovia felt her face being slapped at a rate of a trillion times a second. When they were both fully awake they found the three fallen angels hanging out nearby.

Mittelt: "Sup?"

Irina: "You three are the fallen angels from yesterday!"

Xenovia: "Why are you here? To kill us?"

Kalawarner: "No. We talked it over with the idiots and they've agreed to let you two crash at the mansion until Kokabiel's no longer a threat."

Raynare: "You'll have to excuse the fact that Pine will inexplicably defy gravity and start walking horizontally."

The two exorcists were sceptical, however they had no alternatives so they followed the fallen to the large mansion.

One of the first things Xenovia noticed was the fact that the gardens were oddly well kept despite the inhabitants of the mansion being coked up retards on DMT.

Raynare walked up to the front door and pushed it open before looking around for a second.

Xenovia: "Problem?"

Raynare: "I wanna make sure that damn squig isn't here."

Irina: "... A what now?"

Kalawarner: "Don't ask. We don't know."

Mittelt: "Well, we do, it's just too dumb for us to fully understand."

Xenovia: "And you're sure that the people that live here actually allowed us to live here?"

Raynare: "Yup."

Kalawarner: "We made sure of it. At the moment only Pine and Reaper will be awake since those two are usually up early to go hang out in the library. Saruei got fucked up with Rage last night so she's nursing a hangover. Botan's nursing an arm injury she sustained from firing a shotgun that Rage developed."

Mittelt: "Yeah, it fires charged plutonium rounds!"

Raynare: "Brick sized rounds mind you."

Kalawarner: "Because why be normal when you develop some of the most world shatteringly powerful weapons mankind has ever fucking seen."

Xenovia and Irina were both a bit disturbed, however based on the interactions yesterday, Pine and reaper were the two more reasonable ones aside from Red. The group headed into the living room as Reaper was in the kitchen frying some bacon.

Raynare: "You just making something for yourself or is it your turn for breakfast?"

Reaper: "It's currently my turn for breakfast. So I'm just getting everyone woke up with the smell of bacon."

Irina: "... Yeah, that'd do it."

The two exorcists looked over as Saruei walked out of her room with a towel on her head.

Saruei: "Remind me never to do a drinking challenge with that psycho again."

Reaper: "You'll end up doing it again, don't lie to yourself."

Saruei: "... I hate that you're right."

Irina looked over as Cheese and Smol walked over from their basement gremlin cave with Astolfo in tow.

Reaper: "Sleep well, you three?"

Cheese: "You don't wanna know."

Smol: [You really don't.]

Irina: "... I don't get it."

Mittelt: "Like they said. You don't wanna know. If it's those three, then you definitely don't wanna know."

Smol: [Is the boomer back from brazil yet?]

Reaper: "Last I checked he was on a flight. He should be here soon. Anyway. We all going hunting today?"

Cheese: "If we need to."

Saruei: "I can survey the area from the rooftops... Or I would, if I wasn't dealing with a bitch of a hangover. Speaking of Hangovers though, where's Rage?"

Cheese: "Last I saw him he said he was gonna do some sketchy shit."

Reaper: "So we get ready with the gas explosion excuse?"

Everyone: "Most likely."

The last to arrive was Pine, who had walked out of the library where she normally spent an unreasonable amount of time. Galahad wasn't far behind her.

When everyone sat down for breakfast, the door was swung open by a rather annoyed Red.

Red: "I hate flying. Screaming brats, annoying Karens, Let's not even mention the fat fuckers that take up the whole damn aisle!"

Reaper: "... So good flight?"

Red's eye merely twitched in response before he sat down.

While the group was at the breakfast table, Okita walked over and grabbed both hers and her master's plates.

Reaper: "Is Rage refusing to eat again?"

Okita: "No, he's just busy. Something about trying to compact a nuclear reactor into a shotgun."

Red: "... Am I gonna need to do more paperwork for this?"

Okita: "No. Apparently it was the Japanese government that authorised it's creation. Something about getting payback on the states."

Red: "Ah, so they're going to fire suns at the states for dropping the sun on them twice."

Okita: "Mhm. Also there was something else about a reality dragon."

Red: "... W H A T ?"

Okita: "I didn't fully understand it myself. Something about taking overpowered and squaring it."

The others laughed while Red twitched again. There was no way in hell this was going to end well."

Anyway, after breakfast was done, it was time to start hunting. Everyone headed to their assigned areas of Kuoh so they could begin the search for priests to capture (Read: ruthlessly brutalise to the point that they'd wish they had died.)

Pine and Reaper weren't having much luck as they searched. They did however, find Kiba. He was busy being edgy by the fountain, gazing into the flowing water as though he wanted to somehow kill it with his mind.

Reaper: "Hey, Kiba."

The knight turned and his expression softened as he saw the two approaching.

Kiba: "Pine. Reaper. Why are you two here?"

Reaper: "Presumably the same reason as you. We're looking for priests so we can get the shards of Excalibur back."

Kiba: "I see. Our intentions differ there however. Likely you want to collect them while I want them destroyed. Those swords caused too much harm-"

Pine: "It wasn't the swords though. From my research and accounts that I read in the underworld regarding the holy sword project, it was the fault of the priests involved. The sword was just a means to an end. So why take your anger out on an inanimate object?"

Kiba was stunned into silence. Ultimately he had no counter-argument. Pine was right. Why was he taking his anger out on a sword?

Kiba: "I-..."

Kiba was interrupted as Reaper's phone went off. He lifted it to his ear and walked a few feet away.

Reaper: "Hello, who is this?"

Rage: "Yer da."

Reaper: "Hello Rage. What's up?"

Rage: "Found a few kiddy fiddlers. Gonna torture them. Wanna help out?"

Reaper: "Fuck it, we've turned up with nothing here so may as well."

Rage: "Cool. Just don't mind the screaming. I'm boutta take a scalpel to this guy's face."

Reaper just sighed. He had learned that whenever Rage had the idea for torture, it was never CIA levels of torture, it was more like brutalisation on an unreasonable level.

However, Reaper had come to the conclusion that they weren't going to find anything in their current area. So he, Kiba and Pine made their way to the Weary101 where Rage was currently interrogating the priests and more than likely, Cimrai was going to help out.

All in all...

Shit was about to get extremely messy in several ways.

All that was left was to prepare the bucket, because there was gonna be a lot of blood to clean up.

End of Chapter.

Next Time: Fallen Intervention.