Chapter 14 – Daph's POV

Blue Jay Way

https://youtu.be/ixmOAb6qzvY

"Now, this is the good life."

I'm sitting with my feet in water in the old kiddy pool we would use to wash my late dog, Pistachio, lying back in a beach chair, with my hair up. The weather is surprisingly warm on this fine evening.

I made this little set up for Jean. I'm babysitting her, but I'm trying to treat this as more of a resort and spa than a study lesson. We went through her homework quickly anyway.

I actually made mocktails for us. I have to admit it took a lot of control to not add a dash of rum in my glass. Kevin is home and I want to smother him with his dirty socks.

Mom is working all night long, she's got the night shift at the hospital and my step dad is busy in the garage playing with his fishing gear.

Kevin always plays king of the house, more than usual, when Mom is not home, and his Dad lets him. I love my step-dad but I seriously hate the fact that Kevin is his son.

"When the enemy is relaxed, make them toil. When full, starve them. When settled, make them move," Jean says with a little grin.

"What?"

"It's from Sun Tzu," she explains.

I frown, looking over at her. "When did you read Art of War?" And like, learn to quote it.

"With another babysitter."

So Blake is teaching her Art of War? What a weirdo. "Oh yeah? Who's your favorite babysitter? Blake or me? Pick me, pick me," I tease her, shoving her with my elbow playfully.

"Josh," she answers, unaffected.

"Huh?"

"It's Blake's friend. He's nice. He babysits me sometimes when Blake or you can't."

Josh? Blake's friend? Wait, was that Catherine's step brother? I think that's it. I didn't know he looked after Jean.

Also, the way her cheeks are turning red, I can't help but turn on the gossip tone, "Oh, tell me more about this Josh."

Does she have a little kid crush on him? Cute.

"He's just nice. He gets things. He's funny. It's nice to talk with him about... stuff."

"What stuff?" Wait, what could an older guy talk with her? Should I be worried?

Cheeks still red, her eyes not meeting mine "Nothing," she mumbles.

"Jean?" I press, sitting a little bit more up-right. I'm like maybe forty five percent worried.

"I think girls are really pretty..."

Oh.

Wait.

Is she...? How did I miss that? "I think girls are pretty too."

She shakes her head. She still won't look me in the eyes. That little ten-year-old sweetheart is ashamed. I hate humanity. "No, but I mean, like..."

I don't let her keep on struggling to get the next part out. She doesn't need to be ashamed to admit this. I hate that people are still goddamn ashamed to admit this. "I know what you mean, sweetie," I say, stroking her hair.

She finally looks in my eyes. Her cheeks are still red, but it's an improvement. "Really?"

I smile at her. "Yeah."

"I thought you liked my brother."

Now that's a topic I don't want to start unpacking with Fred's little sister. For the sake of this conversation I answer, "Oh, I do. But I also think girls are pretty."

"So, you're kinda like Josh."

I narrow my eyes. Okay, so she's got another bi-babysitter. "I guess I am. And you can talk about this stuff with me, you know that, right?"

Jean takes a breath and then says in a rush, "I wrote a note to Zoe in my class, but she thinks Everett sent it to her, and she asked him out and now they're dating and it was my note."

"You like Zoe..."

"Why doesn't it count when I hold her hand. It counts when he holds her hand. Why doesn't it mean something when I do?"

"Oh, sweetie, come here." I hug her.

"I hate Everett," she mumbles against my shoulder.

I stroke her hair. "Everett is a tool."

"Zoe is never going to like me."

I back away from her, looking her in the eyes. "You don't know that. But even if she doesn't, that's okay. You know, you should never be selfish in love, and if you actually like her, it should be okay that she doesn't like you back. As long as she's happy, that should be enough."

She runs a hand under her eyes. I didn't see tears, but maybe she feels them coming. "Fred usually says I'll find someone better than her. I hate when he says that. I don't want anyone better. I want Zoe."

"I get it, it sucks when the person you care for doesn't like you back. It's okay to feel that way."

I say I get it, but I don't. Not really. I don't think I've ever really loved anyone. I've cared for a lot of guys, and I've liked most of them. But I don't think it's love. I've never been in love. Maybe I should just tell Jean that I'm the last person that gets love. Maybe she should go talk with that Josh guy again.

I also think she's ten years old and even though I should never undermine what she's feeling right now because it is totally legitimate, I also think that in the grand scheme of things, the crushes you have when you're ten years old won't matter in twenty years.

"I just hate that I don't even have a chance..."

"As you should. As you can."

"Thanks..."

"So, what makes Zoe so special?"

Jean tells me. She talks about her, her eyes lighting up.

I think it's adorable.

I wish I could fix things for her, but I can't. What I can do for her is listen to her. So I do.

When it's pretty much past her bedtime, we go sleep in my bed.

She falls asleep fast, but I can't. I think about never loving anyone.

I've never let myself love anyone, because I've always been too scared to be hurt.

My father hurt my mom. I know this. I've never known him, but I can't feel the scar he left on her heart.

I remember promising myself when I was younger that I would never let anyone hurt me the way my father hurt my mom.

But here I am, more chicken shit than a little girl who loves another girl, and is ready to get hurt even though she's got no chances of being loved back.

Jean's got more courage than me.

Courage.

I guess that's one of the many things I'm lacking.

My phone vibrates on my nightstand. A text from Fred. He's here.

I get up, making sure not to wake Jean up.

I open the front door for him. A way-too-tired Fred greets me on the other side of it.

He still finds the strength to smile at me. "How did it go?"

"Very fun. I suggest not telling your sister she'll find someone better than Zoe in the future," I inform him.

He frowns, but still smiles at the same time. It makes him look even more tired, if that's possible. "She talked to you about that?"

"Yeah. I think Blake's friend, Josh, says stuff that reach her. If you see her feeling down again, you should give him a call," I say softly to him as we walk to my bedroom.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Fred stops walking. He sighs, running a hand through his hair. "All of this... I'm just out of my depth with her sometimes."

I walk back to him and press a hand to his cheek. "Fred, love, you're her brother, not her father. It's not your job to worry so much."

He looks at me with the most heartbreaking eyes. "If I don't who will Daph?"

I don't know what to say, so I hug him.

Jean and Fred are so much better people than I am, and they're both so hurt.

I guess I don't really have the right words for the Masons.

I wish I did.