CHAPTER NINE
first comes marriage...

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"I VOTE WE torch the cop car and all this shit with it." Stu interjected, changing the subject before he could overthink and overcomplicate the gravity of the situation even further.

"Torch it?" Phil voiced what Chloe was thinking. "Who are you?"

"I don't know, Phil," Stu shrugged zealously, eyes slightly narrowing in sarcasm. "Apparently, I'm a guy who marries complete strangers. This whole situation is completely fucked. These mugs..."

Stu then grabbed one of the one hundred mugs, with a picture of his and Jade's faces on them, from the trunk of the car and slammed it on the ground, then yanking the hat, which was adorned with the same picture, off Alan's head as he continued. "This hat..."

"Hey!" Alan complained.

"This car!" Stu continued furiously. "It's all evidence of a night that never happened. That is why we are torching all of it."

"Calm down, Stu," Chloe frowned at him as she placed her hands on her hips. "We can't torch a cop car, just think about the consequences."

"Woah, woah, woah, Chloe's right. She's a paralegal, she's got a career, and I'm a schoolteacher. I got a kid, okay? I'm all for secrecy, but I'm not gonna torch a fucking cop car." Phil scoffed, trying to instil common sense within the, usually grounded, man.

"Chloe?" Stu huffed as he turned to Chloe for backup, eyebrows raising as he awaited her answer.

Chloe just sighed, gesturing to Phil as she agreed with the man. "Well, he's got a point...for once..."

"Thank you," Phil nodded at her, hands on his hips as he turned to Stu again before frowning and darting his eyes back towards Chloe a second later. "Wait, 'for once'?"

"Fine. I'll do it." Stu sharply interjected, definitively making his mind up.

"Can I help?" Alan curiously inquired.

"Yeah," Stu nodded, surprised at Alan's willingness to participate. "Thanks."

Then, someone's phone suddenly chimed with a phone call, each of the group members sprinting into action as they all began to pat their pockets in order to locate the phone.

"Shit, is it Doug?" Phil started quickly as Stu fished his phone out of his pocket.

"Please be Doug..." Chloe let out a hopeful sigh as Stu looked at his phone.

"Ah, it's Melissa!" Stu disapprovingly groaned.

At the lack of confirmation of Doug's whereabouts, Chloe just shook her head and placed her fingers to her forehead in further concern for her friend. "Fuck..."

"Don't answer it." Phil firmly slammed the trunk shut.

"I have to- she's called twice already!" Stu panically exclaimed as he walked away to answer the call.

"Can I ride shotgun?" Alan softly spoke up as he tried to reach out to Phil, who scoffed and jolted back in refusal.

"Don't touch me." Phil deadpanned as he waited for Chloe to begin walking towards the passenger's seat before he raised his hand and positioned it to ghost her lower back, not touching her in concern for her current emotional state, to gently guide her towards the seat.

As they all got in the car, Phil in the driver's seat, Chloe in the passenger's seat, and Stu and Alan sitting in the back with Carlos, Stu still on the phone, Alan just dreamily sighed. "It'd be so cool if I could breastfeed, you know? You're so lucky, Chloe."

"What is wrong with you?" Chloe deadpanned, accompanying the words with a disturbed glare shot his way as Phil also sent him a completely perplexed look.

Only making the situation worse, an orange Lamborghini suddenly squealed to a very abrupt stop right behind the car, catching the group's attention.

"What the fuck?" Phil drew out amidst Stu's calm voice, the man still talking to his girlfriend and formulating, surprisingly, believable lies.

"What is happening right now?" Chloe frowned in bewilderment as she twisted around in her seat to glance at two intimidating men, one with a metal bat, getting out of the fancy car and swiftly approaching their car. "Who is that?"

"Let's go, out of the car!" One of the men violently pounded on Phil's side of the car.

Stu was now profusely trying to explain to Melissa that the sounds were a 'tractor backfiring', however Chloe blocked out his shaky, anxiety-ridden voice as she was more concerned with the scary men outside.

"Where the hell is he?!" The other man yelled at Phil from outside.

"Where is who?!" Chloe's frown deepened as she tried to slump further back into her seat.

"Hey, easy, easy," Phil held his hands up in a surrender motion. "I- I think we're looking for the same guy, okay?!"

Not satisfied with his answer, the man outside pounded the bat harshly on the windshield, causing the group inside to jolt in fear.

"Hey, what the hell?!" Phil let an offended yell tear through his throat as he frowned at the man, Carlos now breaking out into fearful sobs.

Stu was now profusely trying to convince Melissa over the phone that the crying baby was the sound of a baby goat that was with them at the supposed 'winery'.

The chaos only ensued further as the man yelled again, this time louder and more unyielding. "Where is he?!"

Chloe couldn't even bring herself to answer as her eyes fearfully darted between the two men, Phil stuttering out an entirely perplexed answer. "I- I don't know! What are you talking about?!"

"Sir, can you please start the tractor so we can get out of here?!" Stu loudly interjected, hitting Phil's seat roughly as a warning.

Phil whipped around. "I'm trying to, but we're fucking blocked!"

The man outside slammed the windshield again, breaking the glass even further, Phil and Chloe holding their hands over their heads to protect themselves as best they could, as they were closer to the damage.

"Hey! There's a baby on board!" Alan's eyebrows creased inwards as he furiously yelled, at the top of his lungs, at the men.

"Get out of the car!" The man from earlier called authoritatively.

Eddie strode out of the chapel, eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he nodded towards the men. "Hey, why you making trouble for my business, man? Go away from here now."

The other man ignored Eddie, raising his hand as he unearthed a gun and aimed it at the group in the car. "Get out of the car!"

"Oh my god!" Chloe panically exclaimed as she held her hands up in a surrender motion from her seat.

"Phil, he's got a gun!" Alan screamed from his seat.

"No shit, he's got a gun!" Phil sardonically widened his eyes at Alan before darting them back to the two outside, the man then starting the car again and speeding off, consequently running one of the men's feet over and resulting in him slipping and shooting a bullet straight into Eddie's shoulder blade.

"Fuck!" Chloe yelled at the top of her lungs, eyes as wide as saucers.

"They shot Eddie!" Stu joined in, voice and behaviour entirely erratic as he whipped his head around.

"Fuck this shit!" Phil put the car in reverse and sped away, slamming the Lamborghini with the back of the cop car and beginning to squeal down the road.

"Go, Phil, go, go, go, go!" Stu shouted as he whipped his head around, watching as Phil reversed through the chapel's signage.

"We just left him there to die!" Chloe screamed over the top of Stu's fearful yelling, eyebrows deeply furrowed as she darted her eyes between the boys.

"We have bigger things to worry about than Eddie now, Chloe!" Phil called as he put the car in drive and sped away. "Hold on!"

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" Chloe blew out breaths as she slumped back in her seat, the woman allowing her erratic heartbeat to slowly settle down, hands coming up to slide down her face and rest over her mouth.

"Okay!" Phil let out adrenaline-ridden laughs as he casted his eyes around to each of the group before facing the road again. "Oh, that was some sick shit!"

"Who were those guys?!" Stu yelled as he then turned to console the bawling baby before facing the group again. "We're gonna be okay, everything's gonna be okay, alright? What the fuck is going on?!"

"I have no idea." Phil blew out a well-needed breath, coaxing the rest of the group to take a few minutes to calm down.

•

Throughout the drive, Chloe could, very well, tell that Phil's full attention was on her since the Lyle incident, and his eyes darted between the road and her face for, what felt like, the millionth time, the man speaking up in utter concern and confirming her suspicions. "You okay, Chlo?"

"Hm?" Chloe murmured as she turned to face the man, plastering on a tight-lipped smile as she nodded with a faux confidence. "I'm fine."

"If you need to rebound super quickly, like, probably, maybe, right now, or something, I have lips you could kiss," Alan chimed in. "Tenderly."

Chloe's eyebrows immediately furrowed as she turned around to shoot Alan a disturbed look, Phil briefly frowning at the man in the rear-view mirror, while Stu just blew out a perturbed breath and looked away.

"I'm good." Chloe eventually refused, still glaring at him uncomfortably.

"Lyle was a dick, anyway," Phil caught her attention as he kept his eyes on the road. "That asshole wouldn't know quality if it kicked him up the ass."

Chloe just raised her eyebrows as her attention now flickered back to him. She knew he was just trying to make her feel better, yet she couldn't let the fleeting thought that, perhaps, there might have been a deeper meaning behind the words, slip her mind. "Thanks."

"Yeah." Phil just nodded once in response, still driving.

A momentary silence now overtook the group before Chloe's irritated voice tore through it.

"Fuck," Chloe cursed, catching Phil's attention as she turned her head to face him. "We forgot to annul our marriage."

"We can do that at home, it's fine." Phil turned back to the road, shrugging as he played the words off.

"We had all that time to at the chapel, fuck Lyle for distracting me." Chloe scoffed, shaking her head as she looked out the window.

"Well, I think you make a very nice couple," Alan chimed in optimistically. "You're both hot."

"Chlo, it's fine, just forget about it, we can worry later," Phil casually shrugged, the man trying to make his following words sound as lighthearted and convincing as possible as he huffed out a chuckle. "And it's not like it needs to be done right now. What, you can't stand being married to me or something?"

"Well...no, it's just..." Chloe stuttered out as she furrowed her eyebrows again and searched for an answer that would dissuade him from pressing further. "I don't know, it's...weird...I guess..."

Stu's eyebrows raised at the connotation behind the words, and he just pursed his lips as he looked out the window, evidently feeling bad for Phil.

"It's 'weird'?" Phil seemed to take offence to the words as his eyebrows raised, the man slowly repeating them. "Wow, thanks, that makes me feel great about my relationship status."

"You know I didn't mean it like that, Phil." Chloe sent him a pointed look, to which the man just continued his string of words that were now significantly lightening in tone, likely in the hopes of making her feel better.

"No, no, no, that's fine, Chloe, really. I get it," Phil dramatically sighed as he kept his gaze on the road. "I'm just too much for some people, y'know, they can't handle the whole...package. I thought you were someone who could, but I guess I was wrong."

Stu rolled his eyes as he already had enough of their playful banter, Alan frowning in genuine concern for the pair. "Oh no, guys, please don't fight, you've only been married for a day."

Chloe defensively scoffed as she narrowed her eyes at Phil, ignored Alan, and slightly sat back further into her seat. "I can handle the whole package."

"I mean, we all know you have before, several times in several positions, but what I'm talking about now is different," Phil slightly tilted his head. "I'm talking, til' death do us part, kids and a cradle type-thing. I mean, if you can't handle just being, legally, Mrs Chloe Wenneck, then I really don't know how well you'd handle our future kids."

"Our 'future kids'?" Chloe surprisingly reiterated.

"Two, to be exact, a boy and a girl. Little Phil junior and Chloe 2.0. I thought you'd want to pick our girl's name." Phil played off the words as a joke, which Chloe took them as, however Stu narrowed his eyes at the man, as his unspoken affection for Chloe could not be more obvious than right now. What was more non-platonic than planning a whole future with somebody?

Chloe raised her eyebrows, now fully amused by his playful words. "Okay, slut shaming from earlier aside, one, we're not naming our fictional children 'Phil junior' and 'Chloe 2.0', and second, what makes you think we'd have any children?"

"Well, you know what they say, first comes marriage..." Phil played dumb as his eyebrows quirked upwards, and his eyes slowly flickered over to the woman. "Hypothetically speaking, of course..."

Chloe slowly nodded as she couldn't prevent the amused smile from tugging at the corners of her lips at his words. "Right."

•

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