AUTHOR'S NOTE
long chapter!

•

CHAPTER TEN
loserville

____________

CHLOE RAISED HER eyebrows as the group were met with the sight of a blonde girl—presumably Jade—walking out of her hotel room on the phone, gasping when she noticed the group approaching her. "I found him. I'll call you back. Thank god! He's with his father!"

"His what?" Chloe's eyebrows flew upwards as she crossed her arms over her chest and shared a perplexed look with Stu.

"Oh, I was freaking out," Jade continued as she began to take her son from Alan's grasp. "I missed you sweetie...and I missed you."

Without further warning, Jade advanced towards Stu and crashed her lips passionately on his, causing both of them to moan through the action.

Chloe's face slightly recoiled as she turned to glance at Phil and Alan, who were wearing the same cringed expression.

"What the hell happened to you guys?" Jade giggled as she eventually pulled away from Stu and glanced between the group, gently tapping Chloe's forearm as she did so. "I missed you girlfriend!"

Chloe blinked, the girl then letting out a polite chuckle as she tried not to be rude. Jade did seem like a nice girl too, and under different circumstances, she would probably try to be friends with her. "Oh, yeah, same...girlfriend..."

"Actually, we were hoping you could tell us." Phil interjected, redirecting the conversation to a useful topic.

"What do you mean?" Jade huffed out another chuckle. "I got up this morning, I went to get you guys all coffee, and I came back and you were gone."

The four in question remained entirely silent as they tried to process the information.

"Why are you being so quiet?" Jade perplexedly inquired as her confused eyes focused on Stu.

"I'm- I'm not being quiet." Stu stuttered out.

Jade let out a bubbly laugh as she began to walk back into her hotel room. "You're so cute! Here, I've got to feed Tyler, come inside, you guys!"

Grabbing Stu's hand, Jade led the group in, Phil huffing out a chuckle, Chloe smiling at the action, and Alan frowning as they all made their way in.

"Did you hear that?" Alan spoke up before they could fully enter the room. "Baby's name is Tyler."

"Yeah." Chloe let out a breath.

"I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud." Phil gently slapped Alan's back as the trio made their way inside.

•

"Okay, what's up? You guys are acting weird." Jade narrowed her eyes as she began to approach the four on the couch.

"Look, it's Jade, right?" Phil started.

"Very funny, Phil." Jade lightheartedly played off the words as she stood in front of Stu, her baby in her arms.

"Right. Jade. Uh..." Phil cleared his throat as he rubbed his hands together. "You remember our friend Doug?"

"Are you kidding? He was the best man at our wedding." Jade answered obviously.

"Exactly," Phil pointed at her before glancing between Chloe and Stu. "Well, we can't find him, and we're getting a little worried."

Jade just let out an entertained laugh. "Oh my god, that is so Doug!"

Stu took a sip of the iced tea Jade poured for him, then widening his eyes as he noticed the ring on her finger, and consequently spitting out the tea all over her.

Tyler started crying again, to which Jade just muttered out an, "Oh, oh, sweetie, I- I'm gonna go clean him off. It's alright, daddy didn't mean it", and headed into the adjacent room.

"Stu." Chloe scolded as she leaned forward slightly to glare at him from her position beside Alan and Phil.

"Oh my god." Stu muttered in shock.

"What the fuck, man? You've gotta hold it together." Phil glared at him.

"Holy shit." Stu gasped.

"She is super hot. You should be proud of yourself, alright?" Phil added earnestly.

Chloe slowly turned to send Phil a disapproving look this time. "How about 'she's a nice girl' before the 'super hot' part?"

"She is wearing my grandmother's ring!" Stu whisper-shouted.

Chloe now sat up, eyes widening in realisation. "The ring you were going to give to Melissa?"

"That's the one," Stu frantically nodded. "My grandmother's Holocaust one!"

"Fuck." Phil blew out a breath in realisation as he sat back in his seat slowly.

"She's wearing it." Stu widened his eyes.

"Okay..." Phil sighed, him, Chloe and Stu now lowering their heads as they began to think of a plan to get the ring back.

"I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust." Alan furrowed his eyebrows, earning himself fed-up looks from the other three in response.

Luckily, Jade walked back in the room. "He's okay."

"Oh, good." Phil replied in a breath.

"He was just hungry," Jade sat down again and prepared herself to feed her son. "He's fine."

"Um, about last night, um, do you remember the last time you saw Doug?" Phil curiously inquired.

"Um, I haven't seen him since the wedding." Jade answered, a little confused at the sudden questioning.

"The wedding..." Chloe raised her eyebrows as she then hurriedly patted Phil's shoulder to silently command him to take the notepad and pen out of his shirt pocket. "Okay, what time was that at?"

"Well, it was, um..." Jade casually replied as she pulled her top down, revealing herself to the group and causing them all to raise their eyebrows in unexpected surprise, the boys all clearing their throats, averting their eyes and raising their hands to their mouths, while Chloe just slightly squinted her eyes and nodded at the words. "I guess it was around one, 'cause I had to go back to work and finish my shift. And then when I got out, I headed over to the hotel with Tyler."

Alan's amazed eyes were focused on Jade feeding her child and explaining her whereabouts, the man not hearing a single word she said.

"And was Doug there then?" Phil tried, and failed, to keep his eyes on Jade's face.

"I didn't see Doug, 'cause you guys were passed out, the room was a wreck, so I just curled up next to Stu," Jade then sent Stu a flirtatious look. "Rawr."

"Oh." Phil smirked at Stu, while Chloe just nodded at him, somehow impressed at his game.

Stu just swallowed, pursing his lips as he held his hand up and let out an uncomfortable chuckle. "I've got a question, um, you said when your shift ended. Does that mean you're a nurse? Or a...blackjack dealer?"

Jade tilted her head. "You know this, I'm a stripper."

"Mhm." Stu furrowed his eyebrows and quickly nodded, the man tightly squeezing his eyes shut as he couldn't believe his luck—or lack thereof.

"Well, technically I'm an escort, but stripping's a great way to meet the clients." Jade clarified.

"Smart." Phil affirmed, casting his eyes to Stu.

"S- savvy." Stu muttered, trying to keep his cool amidst the new, confronting revelations he was being presented with all at once.

"But that's all in the past now that I married a doctor." Jade finished with a grin sent his way.

Stu huffed out a breath. "I'm just a dentist."

Breaking their conversation, the police kicked the door to the apartment wide open, blowing it off its hinges and aiming their guns straight at the four on the couch. "Police, police, freeze!"

The four immediately stumbled further back into the couch, each of them holding their hands up in a surrender motion and widening their eyes in fear.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey!" Phil yelled.

"Shut that baby up!" One of the officer's intimidatingly shouted. "Shut that baby up!"

"Okay, okay, okay, okay!"

"No, no, no!"

"Don't shoot!"

"Jesus!"

•

Phil slid a coin into the police station's phone box and dialled Tracy's number, the man's unoccupied wrist handcuffed to Alan's wrist, Alan's wrist handcuffed to Stu's, and Stu's handcuffed to Chloe's.

Just to cause them all further discomfort, their wrists were all cris-crossed.

"Trust me kids, you do not want to be sitting on these benches," A police officer concluded his previous speech as he spoke to a crowd of school-kids on an excursion, gesturing to the four. "We call this place Loserville."

"Fuck my life." Chloe blew out a breath as she slumped further in her seat, causing Stu to as well, as their opposing wrists being chained together prevented them from having any disconnect from one another.

"Correction, fuck my life." Stu scoffed as the kids laughed mockingly and began to walk away, Alan death-staring one of them when the kid took a picture of him on his cellphone, Alan kicking it out of his hands.

"Hey! Tracy, it's Phil." Phil started, talking over the phone and letting out a faux-relaxed chuckle as he tried to keep up a calm facade for Doug's fiancée.

"We are at the spa at the hotel," Phil spoke up, voice unusually higher pitched, the man presumably answering Tracy's questions that the rest of the group were not able to hear. "Of course he's around. Why wouldn't he be around?"

"Um...we made a deal, uh, no talking to girlfriends or wives, so...we're all just calling each other's..." Phil slightly cringed at his own lie as he shook his head at the rest of the group.

Stu shot him the coldest glare he could muster, Chloe rolling her eyes, and Alan just looking away as Phil came up with another lie on the spot. "Uh, you're not gonna believe this, we got comped an extra night at the hotel! Yeah! The suite is- it's ridiculous! It's out of control, there's, like, room service and a butler, it's...I mean, it's just the works, so, we are thinking of spending the night here, and then we're just gonna come back totally relaxed in the morning. Yeah, that's why we're gonna get up real early, and, uh, we'll be back in plenty of time."

"Wenneck, Hawthorne, Price, Garner, room three!" An officer called from a fair distance away from them, coaxing the group's attention to him.

"Okay, Trace, I gotta go, we'll talk to you later." With that, Phil hung up the phone, the rest of the group standing up and figuring out how to navigate their current predicament.

"Just spin around."

"Spin around."

"Wait a second."

"Hold on, this isn't right..."

"I'll go over, I'll go over."

Once they each stepped over one another's handcuffs and somehow found a happy medium, the group waddled towards the room they were being called into.

•

"Gentlemen...and...lady..." The officer that brought them in—Franklin—started as he sat down beside his female coworker, Officer Garden. "We've got some good news, and we've got some bad news. The good news is, we found your Mercedes."

Chloe sat back in relief, while Phil laughed and Stu nodded, each of them now free from handcuffs. "That's great news!"

"That's great, see?" Phil gently slapped Alan's shoulder.

"Yeah, it's over at impound right now. We picked it up at, uh, five a.m. this morning, parked in the middle of Las Vegas Boulevard." Officer Franklin disapprovingly spoke up again.

"Huh." Phil hummed.

"Hm. That's weird." Chloe murmured, averting her eyes from the officers.

"Yeah. It is weird," Officer Franklin affirmed with narrowed eyes as he pulled out a small note that was evidently ripped out of a notebook. "There's also a note. It says, uh, 'couldn't find a meter, but here's four bucks'. The bad news is, we can't get you in front of a judge until Monday morning."

"What?" Chloe widened her eyes while Alan held his head in his hands. "Monday?"

"Oh, n- uh, Officer, that's just impossible, no, we need to be in L.A. tomorrow for a wedding." Phil protested, raising his hand.

"You stole a police car." Officer Garden asserted firmly.

"We didn't steal anything, um, we found it." Stu's voice was entirely uncertain, not supporting his lie.

"Yeah, if anything, we deserve a reward, or something," Alan chimed in, eyes darting between the officers. "Like a trophy."

"I see assholes like you every day." Officer Franklin suddenly asserted.

"Excuse me?" Chloe raised her eyebrows, offended at the words.

"Every fuckin' day!" Officer Garden exclaimed.

"'Let's go to Vegas, we'll all get drunk and laid! Whoo-hoo'!" Officer Franklin blurted out and began to dance, Officer Garden mimicking it in a humorous manner.

"Yeah! Whoo! Whoo-hoo!"

"'Let's steal a cop car 'cause it'll be really fuckin' funny'!" Officer Franklin concluded, while the four just stared at them blankly.

"Think you're gonna get away with it? Not up in here!" Officer Garden exclaimed firmly, tapping the table.

"Not up in here!" Officer Franklin repeated louder, eyes wide.

"Okay...well..." Chloe cleared her throat as she squinted, blinked and glanced away while Stu held his hands to his forehead, and Phil looked at the table.

"Oh...uh..." Phil muttered, thinking of an idea to possibly get them out of this predicament as he faced the officers again. "Sir? If I may? Um, I'm assuming that that squad car belongs to one of you."

"Yeah." Officer Franklin deadpanned.

"Yeah," Phil took a deep breath as he turned his charm on. "Look, I'm not a cop. I'm no hero. I'm a schoolteacher. But if one of my kids went missing on a field trip...that would look really bad on me."

Chloe furrowed her eyebrows as she shared a provoked, expected look with Stu, the two silently communicating the fact that they should've known he wasn't going to be sincere.

"What are you getting at?" Officer Franklin deadpanned harshly.

"Yeah, Phil, what are you getting at?" Stu sent Phil a pointed glare.

"No one wants to look bad," Phil plastered on his usually collected exterior. "We've gotta get to a wedding, and you guys don't need people talking about how some obnoxious tourists borrowed your squad car last night. But, look, the point is, I think we can work out a deal- discreetly, of course, ma'am. What do you say?"

Officer Garden slid over a piece of paper attached to a clipboard over to her partner, who slowly nodded at the contents and let out a loud chortle.

Phil and Stu seemed to take the reaction as positive, and while Phil grinned, Stu laughed.

"Uh, let me ask you a question," Officer Franklin began, slight mocking tone to his words as he momentarily bit his lip excitedly. "Do, uh, any of you have a heart condition, or...anything like that?"

"Uh...no." Phil furrowed his eyebrows, Stu frowning in discomposure.

Chloe peered over the paperwork at the sudden question, and her eyes widened as she quickly blurted out an excuse to pull herself out of the following punishment she knew the group would inevitably receive. "I'm pregnant!"

"What?" Phil slowly turned to face her.

"Chloe...you're-?" Stu widened his eyes.

Alan just giggled. "I knew it."

"Oh," Officer Franklin almost looked disappointed by the words. "Alright, well, that's fine, we still have you three to play with."

"Congratulations," Officer Garden flashed Chloe a wide smile. "I had my third baby just last year."

"Oh, really?" Chloe perked up, playing on the lie as she scrunched her nose up and raised her tone for added effect. "Well, isn't that just the sweetest? I'm so nervous and I'm not even showing yet. My poor husband is just beside himself with anxiety."

"Oh, you'll do just fine when the little angel comes out," Officer Garden eagerly leaned forward in curiosity, causing the rest of the men to flicker their eyes between them in utter incredulity, each of them not knowing whether or not the act was genuine. "Are you having a boy or a girl?"

Chloe plastered on a wide, tight-lipped smile as she slowly tilted her head and stroked her stomach in circles. "She's going to be a little mini-me, I can just tell already."

The officer let out a happy squeal as she clapped her hands excitedly, causing the boys to widen their eyes at the sight and jolt in unexpected shock when Chloe mirrored the action.

"Oh, girl's are the best!" Officer Garden gushed, waving her hand. "You can dress them up like little princesses, take them shopping, oh it's so fun! And with your genes, I'm sure that baby will pop out a Victoria's Secret model, your husband could be a roach and that child would still be gorgeous!"

"Oh, you're so sweet," Chloe let out an over-exaggerated chuckle as she gently stroked Phil's shoulder with the hand she wasn't stroking her stomach with, her voice lowering suggestively. "He's not exactly James Dean, but I certainly can't complain. You know, this might be inappropriate, but his sex drive is crazy, we just got married, not even two months ago, and he has been all over me like I'm butter on toast! Absolutely ravenous, isn't that right, honey? When he rides the bull, he rides the bull. Or, I should say, it's the other way around!"

"Okay..." Officer Franklin uncomfortably cleared his throat as he shifted in his seat.

"Oh, wow." Officer Garden raised her eyebrows as she slightly sat back in her seat, slightly impressed, Alan staring at Chloe, wholeheartedly interested in her following words.

"Really?" Alan drew out as he leaned his chin on his palm.

"Alan." Phil scoffed, frowning deeply at the man, shaking his head and holding his hands out to the sides to convey that her words obviously weren't true.

That only spurred Chloe on further as she squeezed Phil's bicep, eliciting a pained sound from the man in response and enjoying paying him back for his previous performances. "Oh, yeah, he parks his yacht in my harbour all the time. Mixing the love potion. Circling the drain, or cleaning my carpet, if you will. Knocking boots, sweeping the chimney, threading the needle-"

"Chlo!" Stu blurted out uncomfortably, desperately wanting her to stop.

Chloe just let out a playful laugh as she released Phil's arm and kept her eyes on Officer Garden. "Sorry, sometimes I get carried away, but it's just so exhausting, you know what I mean? It's like 'oh, here we go again'!"

Phil's mystified frown deepened even further as he wanted no part of whatever joke she was forcing him into, the man just slowly shuffling away from her as Stu widened his eyes at the woman—she was clearly having a lot of fun.

"Oh, I know what you mean." Officer Garden let out an overzealous chuckle as she wholeheartedly agreed with the words.

"Can we get back to their punishment now?" Officer Franklin interjected, quite rudely, as he glared at Officer Garden.

She just cleared her throat, shifting in her seat at the words and nodding quickly. "Yep. Yes we can. And I'm so sorry for what we're about to put your husband through, hon, but rules are rules, and deals are deals."

As the officers gestured for the group to stand up, each of them did so, Chloe slightly leaning towards Phil as she whispered, sending him a pointed look as her tone was entirely flat. "Talk yourself out of a lot of parking tickets, huh, Wenneck?"

"Shh," Phil hushed, looking at the officers briefly, who were focused on Alan and Stu, before glancing back at Chloe. "And, yeah. Obviously. Look at me."

Chloe rolled her eyes before she began to follow after the officers. "Cocky as ever too."

•

© voidvaleska