Author: lekro01

Blurb: 

Young Bathe always wondered about the endless forests and mazes of mountains that surrounded his village and why no one dared to step near them. Elders spoke the tales of an undead evil sleeping deep inside the forests that must not be woken.

It all appeared true to Bathe until one day he came across a mysterious man called Berathelmus, whose knowledge of the world was above all.

That undead evil born long ago was the result of an epidemic failure of humanity itself, which once spread like a plague and brought mankind to extinction.

It's the whispers of the same evil rising again from the deep corners of the world. It's upon Bathe who must realize the enormous powers contained inside him and dive deep into a mystical sinful past to uncover secrets hidden with utmost secrecy.

If not, it will be the last time when humanity fails.

Tears of a Lost Soul

Initial Impression

Title: One of those poetic, dramatic titles that dominates YA fantasy. I'm not sure how it will relate to the story, but I'm interested to find out.

Oh, but please capitalize your title! I would never pick up a book that defies the basic principles of grammar: 'Tears of a lost soul' should be 'Tears of a Lost Soul'.

Cover: I like it well enough. The words are legible, but I don't think that the font works with the overall atmosphere. In my opinion, it's too plain. Your author's name and subtitle is too large, and it almost seems like it's crowding the graphic.

Blurb: Short blurbs are my favorites. And yours is a good length. I like that you immediately identify your main character and basic setting. My only critique is the middle: 'the undead born long ago was the result of an epidemic failure . . .' It seems like you're handing us free information that could be offered throughout the story. To be honest, it almost acts like a spoiler. I feel no desire to pick up your book when I already know the ending to what I assume to be a large conflict (since it's presented in the middle of your blurb). It's too blunt.

I'm not a big fan of your last line. 'If not, it will be the last time when humanity fails'. First off, the 'when' is superfluous and just clutters up the sentence. Secondly, it lacks some sort of punch, especially because I basically already know what is going to happen. Dude is Special™️ . The whole world hangs in the balance™️. It's up to him to save it™️. It's all been seen before, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing -- except nothing jumped out at me as unique or fresh.

Extras: *sighs* You had a short author's note, which means you get brownie points. But alas, you have two other extras (though they are short, I'll give you that). It's great you won all those awards! But it's a special content/back chapter sort of thing. Covers-of-the-series chapter should go to the back too. The Map can be combined with the introduction.

Think of it like this: With every chapter, your reader's interest wears thinner. Readers don't owe you anything, especially not when there is so much competition on Wattpad. Likely, they'll skip those extras.

Side note: I like your previous book cover much more. Nice font and graphic, smaller subtitle.

The Good

I like the mystery in your story. You keep me guessing what's going to happen, and it allows room to develop hunches. I also really enjoy the high-fantasy feel as well as your character, Bathe. He seems like such an adorable boy! At times, I thought your description was beautiful and creative. Good job!

Chapter One - Ashen World

You don't need to post your map again since you dedicated the chapter prior to it.

Problematic Sentences

'"How big is our world?" the child asked in a sweet cold voice.'

Your first line is problematic. Why is his voice sweet AND cold? This makes no sense. Sweet and cold seem kind of oxymoronic . . . unless you're talking about ice cream XD. In light of the context, (I'm assuming 'sweet' means 'pleasing or delightful', and 'cold' refers to 'lacking emotion or affection') it jumped out at me right away. Also, if I'm going to be nitpicky, you should have a comma between sweet and cold since it's a coordinate adjective -- but I'll let that slide since one could argue that it's a stylistic choice.

'His eyes were filled with curiosity and wanted to know or at least to imagine.' That lacks parallelism. You've got a passive verb, an action verb, and an infinitive. You may want to consider rewording that.

In the next paragraph: I don't know if this is intentional, but 'white' seems redundant.

Strange Imagery

'Moved his eyes' is superfluous. And to be frank, it sounds like he actually took his hands and moved his eyeballs. Just say 'looked'. It's more clear and easy to follow.

PoV Issues

You state at the end of the chapter that you are going for third omnipresent, but your chapter isn't really omnipresent. For most of the chapter we are only shown Bathe's thoughts (and later Thorin's), but not Berathelmus's. When you introduce Thorin, it appears like you are head hopping, especially because I thought you were writing in close third. I'd suggest making your PoV more obvious, giving us access to Berathelmus's thoughts, and creating a smoother transition into Thorin's PoV (so it doesn't appear like you are head hopping).

Conventional Issues

'Geography' should not be capitalized.

'Berathelmus chuckled and asked, clearly he liked Bathe and wanted him to speak his mind.' You either need an em dash, a semicolon, or a period in between those two independent clauses. The comma isn't enough.

'. . . "I would find a silver girl, in white glittering silver clothes, lighting places."' 'Silver' is unneeded the second time. You don't need a comma after 'girl'. And what do you mean by 'lighting places'? What is she lighting? Is the light from her clothes or from a fire? Is she lighting a path through the forest?

'he said extremely thoughtfully.' The two adverbs are redundant.

'Berathelmus said piercing straight into the eyes of Thorin' You need a comma before that participial phrase, and 'piercing' with nothing added to it is an odd choice of words. Did he stab him in the eyeballs or what?

Exposition

I found the exposition to be very heavy. Chapter One consists of an old man/teacher telling the naive young-un about the history of the world, the magic, etc. etc. Lessen the info-dumping. Can any of this be woven into the story?

Chapter Two - The Nightmare of an Old Sailor

Stating the obvious:

In the paragraph 'Small and big huts , some having more than the others, stood randomly over the carefree Asyut-elm village land . . .' You then proceed with, 'There was no pattern of houses built around Bathe's hut.' That's stating the obvious (the definition of 'random'). Then you repeat the word 'random', 'All random, built anywhere folks thoughts suitable . . .' You also are missing a few commas in the subsequent sentences.

Problematic Sentences

'Bathe had forgotten all his anger and smiled huge revealing all his teeth.' I had some issues with this sentence. Why do you use past perfect? It doesn't make sense in your context.

Another issue: I see this often in your work. Since this is a nonrestrictive participial phrase (it applies to Bathe, not 'smiled huge'), you need a comma before 'revealing'.

'Thorin yelled like he was coming home victorious from some kind of war and was reordering his troops to loot.' This sentence is very confusing. You use two passive verbs, combined with present participles and an infinitive. 'Some kind of war' reads odd and superfluous, as well.

Secondly, I'm a tad confused by that simile. I'm assuming that it is a yell of triumph, but the 'reordering his troops to loot' is excessive.

Imagery Problems

'Bathe looked over father, whose voice contained gravity.' Besides the lack of a possessive, the imagery is unclear. How can his voice contain gravity? To my knowledge, gravity is a force in physics. So this line is confusing.

'Thorin cast a checking look over him.' What do you mean by 'a checking look'? I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be envisioning. Perhaps a reprimand? A scold?

More Telling, Not Enough Showing

Often times you will tell us your characters' emotions rather than show them. 'Thorin knew Bathe was sad', 'Thorin wanted the best for him', etc. etc. I would suggest cleverly weaving all these feelings throughout the narrative -- it would make for a more compelling read. Again, the exposition is very heavy in this chapter. We learn about the grandfather, the mother, his father died with a drinking problem, a neighbor friend, etc. You get the idea.

I like the little dream sequence/song. It added depth to your story and it was a nice touch to your cliffhanger at the end. My only problem with the cliffhanger was that there was no buildup. It almost seemed like it was just thrown in there for the sake of a cliffhanger. So far, nothing has been set up, no main conflict, no inciting incident.

Chapter Three - The Abyss Forest

You don't need to post your map again.

Problematic Sentences

'Bathe didn't answer and walked to him with struggling eyes against the sudden increased light.' The wording is messy. The use of a verbal adjective, for one. Secondly, it would be much clearer to simple say 'squinted against the light'.

'Thorin always thought the nightmare of the old sailor suffered Bathe.' Your use of 'suffered' is incorrect. Do you mean 'torment' or 'torture'?

More Telling, Not Enough Showing

Instead of explaining what Koves are, you could show us.

Chapter Four - The Sickness of Femerild

That's some great description at the beginning. Good work!

For the most part, I see the same issues from your first chapters. There are some imagery issues, bogged down sentences that border on purple prose, and needed commas.

Chapter Five - Visarth

'Clouds of grief came over his heart, kneeling him down . . .' 'Kneeling him down' is bizarre. How can grief 'kneel' someone? Make someone kneel, yes. But not 'kneel' someone. It reads odd and clunky, and it jerks me out of the flow of your story.

I like the foreshadowing at the end of the chapter, though!

Characters

Bathe—adorable young boy. He seems very inquisitive and smart.

Thorin—devoted father of Bathe

Berathelmus: a teacher with magical skills

Ren: friend of Thorin

Tierri: Ren's wife

Plot

In all honesty, the plot seems rather generic, just as I feared. Bathe seems to be 'The Chosen One' kind of character, and Berathelmus seems to be one of those wise old mentors. I don't care much for your opening either. He just seems to be walking around teaching Bathe about the history of mankind. It doesn't make for a very interesting start.

However, Bathe's accident did intrigue me, so kudos to you.

Conventions:

I would probably give you a 6.5/10 conventional-wise. You're missing many, many necessary commas, but I didn't catch any spelling errors. I also urge you to explore parallelism in your writing. Just to clear up some of those oddly worded sentences.

Structure:

The biggest issue with your story is the wording. The imagery is too confusing and it's bogged down by details. I'd suggest cleaning it up a bit, maybe delete some of that eye stuff (struggling eyes, moved his eyes, etc.). Your use of verbs are odd as well. Scan your text for phrases like 'kneeling him down' or 'suffered Bathe'.

World building

I'd like to see much more world building. You've got villages, plagues, huts. It all seems very medieval Europe, and it's been done before. I wish there was more than just the village. What kind of creatures are there besides Koves? What does Bathe hear when he runs around the forest? Are there other tribes/village?

Wish List

-Crisp, concise narration (the omission of purple prose)

-Smooth PoV

-Correctly placed commas

-Parallelism

-Clearer imagery

-Fresh take on an old trope (just something to consider during the second draft)

-More showing, less telling

-Emphasis on worldbuilding

Final Verdict: It has good bones. There's definitely potential there. But the bizarre imagery, heavy wordiness, and lack of a smooth narration took off some of the shine on this book.