Authors: VeryBigMess & Fiona_Jessie

Blurb: 

"The embers fade, and the Day of the Lightless shall be upon us."

For the longest time, a lonely continent shrouded by Mist was all the nine races of Jordarys ever knew.

They knew the Mist was to be feared. Those who were swallowed by the Mist were never seen again. The Mist birthed terrible monsters that rose from the seas, plaguing their land. The gods bestowed the inhabitants of Jordarys with a gift, the Primeval Flames, to fight the scourge of the Mist for as long as they have.

However, the flames are dwindling. The inevitable day where the embers sputter and die is encroaching upon them with every rising and setting of the sun. When that day comes, the Mist shall swallow this last remaining bastion of the world whole.

Not all would stand idle as the storm brews.

The fate of Jordarys teeters perilously in the balance as everyone, from monarchs to assassins to scholars and warriors, fights for their survival.

"For only the heir of cinders will inherit the world when the embers finally fade." 

Heir of Cinders: 

Characters:

One of the first I noticed while reading through Jonathan's POV was how mature his dialogue was compared to his age. For while I was confused because I thought he was the "little boy" and I knew he was 7, but he didn't talk like it. Since he isn't completely human, I won't say too much about it. However, I don't think it would take anything away from the scene if he was more childish. It could give a bigger contrast to him after the prologue and show that he's all grown up. It's not just young Jonathan that talks oddly, all of the characters talk like they had thought about their words for a minute. While it could be because of the time period this is set in/inspired from, it doesn't sound very natural. That doesn't mean that you should change it, I just prefer more natural-sounding dialogue. I don't have any notes on the actual characters, which I feel like may be partly due to the fact that the POV's switch so often from one chapter to another. It doesn't give the reader time to connect and understand the character. I know what they're supposed to look like, but not them. One last thing I noticed was how similar some of their names are. "Jonathan and Jennifer, Faisuri and Farisa." They're unique enough not to be confused with each other, but I'd keep a note of how you pick your names next time.

Plot/Storyline:

Not much had happened when I stopped, but I do feel like the plot so far is pretty typical of a fantasy novel. They find a "mysterious" girl in the woods, she grows up all royal, a tournament is fought for something or another. It doesn't really have a spark of uniqueness, nothing to hold my attention. Even the Mist wasn't terribly interesting. I suggest either moving the beginning along faster to get to the more intriguing parts or add something that will set your book apart from others.

World-building:

One thing I loved was the little culture additions like the bazaar. I can tell that you've put in a lot of thought into this world, so much so that the reader may not be able to keep up. I've seen some other comments say this too, but you really consider making a glossary. Some of the made-up words you use are not thoroughly explained in the story and are left to an author's note at the end. Instead, either explain what it is through the world/text or make a glossary. I did notice that when you did explain what a word meant, the way you did it was awkward. Instead of "*made-up word* meaning blah blah blah," say, "*made-up word*, the meaning." Put the made-up word in italics so it draws the reader's attention to the sentence so they won't ever forget the meaning of it. Don't use the words "meaning" or "means", just say what it is.

Flow/Pacing:

Going along with the world-building, there's a lot of information introduced in the first chapter. I know that you want the reader to dive into the world you've created, but it was difficult to keep track of everything and everyone without a glossary, especially in the prologue. The only other thing I have down here is again, how often the POV's switch before we get acquainted with everyone. I'm not sure if there's something so important that has to be said through a certain character's POV, but you can probably still tell it through Jonathan or Faisuri.

Language/Grammar & Spelling:

Unless you had told me in the beginning that English wasn't your native language, I honestly would not have been able to tell. There were very little grammar mistakes, mostly just wording issues. So props to you! Still, there were some things I noticed. In the start of the book, you told the reader something twice, worded differently the second time. For example, you said, "...the Mist would overcome them and swallow him and the six other people that rode with him. Seven more deaths..." Instead of saying the same thing twice (the number of people), I would write, "...the Mist would overcome and swallow them, Seven more deaths..." Another example of unnecessary repetition is how you described Jennifer as an "elderly woman" and then again with "past five decades in her life." It seems oddly specific. I would get rid of the second part altogether. Continuing from the character section, the first few paragraphs confused me due to the reference of Jonathan as both the "little boy" as well as by his name. Perhaps refer to him as the "little boy" once and then use his name from then on. The details of the "little boy's" hand sweating confused me since I thought he wasn't Jonathan. I'm being nitpicky here, but one thing I noted down was the minor wording confusion. It should be "curious about" not "curious at." Before I move onto description, there's one last thing. Before the fight in the arena, it tells the reader how the people of each nation fight, and I suggest not doing that. Instead of telling us things, show us. Don't tell us that one nation fights nimbly with small weapons, show us that someone from that nation uses little daggers and is of a shorter, slimmer build more suited for that type of fighting. Instead of telling us what's going to happen during the coronation, just let it happen.

First, let me just say that there is some lovely descriptive writing here. It could've been because I was reading late in the night, but I got chills. You clearly know what you're doing when it comes to descriptions, but sometimes I feel like there's too much of it. There are only so many words that mean the same thing, and sometimes I found that you used the same word to describe something in the same paragraph many times. One instance of this that stood out to me was Faisuri describing her "raven" hair in "raven" locks in a "raven" bun. This is a good time to pull out that thesaurus and use "dark" or "black." The detailing of character's description is so detailed that it doesn't let the reader imagine them how they want to. Personally, I think descriptions of characters should be a loose outline, leaving enough holes for the reader to customize them. The paragraphs of description are sometimes so long that I find my eyes skimming over. I noticed that the description of characters were almost always physical traits. Nothing about their personality and their connection to the MC.

~

Strengths:

Your strength is world-building and writing descriptions and details. You know what the world looks like and what the people in that world look like. However, your strength is so strong that sometimes it overpowers and is utilized more than what is necessary.

Weaknesses:

Writing and wording are your biggest weaknesses. Perhaps have the other author look over the chapter before publication, even if they are not a native English speaker either. But you do have a good grasp on the language! Good luck!