"The Last Dance" - @CelticWarriorQueen17

Summary:

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA meets RIVERDANCE in this new suspense novella set in present day England. 

When Shannon sees a shadow moving in one of the windows of the old Henderson place, she begins to wonder whether the theater house truly is haunted after all. But little does she suspect what is really going on... 

Sucked into a world beyond anyone's imagination, she begins to discover that dreams can come true, but few can tell how twisted that outcome might be...

Initial Reaction:

The summary sets up an eerie and supernatural vibes. I love it! Especially with the "Phantom of the Opera meets riverdance," I enjoy the phantom/ghost sensation before I start to read. In the first chapter, the readers thrown into a high pace environment, rainy England where Shannon is moving to. The sound descriptions, Shannon's thoughts on what beat she dances, and arriving in her father's hometown where a mysterious building haunts and keeps neighbors fearfully away from it. The mystery engages me! I think, what has happened, why do they move back to his hometown even though there's an eerie house, and what has happened to the family? Each chapter reveals answers to these questions as the mystery continues. It's elegant and the story's structure is marvelous!

Strengths:

1. Structure: Can I fan-girl for a moment? The organization is phenomenal! The chapters are written in third person limited, bouncing smoothly between two characters. The first half, the readers spend time with Shannon who moves to England, leaving her best friend, her passion for river dancing, and hometown behind. Then the next section is with James Henderson, which I have my theory but I will not explore that because I don't want to reveal a lot of spoilers. I will hold my tongue - anyways! The two sections are smooth transitions, hinting and creating tension for the readers as we try to figure out, why are there two sections? Will they connect? Will they not? Eeep! This engagement keeps the audience's interest, I kept on wanting to click "continue reading the next part." Keep up the good work! The two section ideas works well with the eerie and mystery tone. I'll say one more thing, I'm in love with the last line in chapter two: "Their game was not over yet." Oh boy! Got my heart going ba-dum. 

2. Sounds: I know I mention this element in the initial reaction. I want to explain why I believe this is one of the story's strength. Writers have tell the story using descriptions: sight, touch, taste, smell, and sound. One description I don't read much about (and I personally need to work on) is sound. In chapter one, Shannon is riding in a car, her father is driving to their new home: "The squeaking wipers quickening the pace to clear visibility."  This is one makes me wince. I can feel and hear that sound as if I'm there with Shannon. There are multiple sound descriptions throughout the story, another example is in chapter five, "the door closed behind her with a squeaky bang, echoing in the dusty and dim interior causing her to jump." Causes me to jump! With the mystery genre, sound can help fill and create this tension: waiting and then seems safe until it isn't. The sound hints to me, something is going to happen; the rollercoaster is ticking, the ride is going up then it platforms, and repeats a tick-tick-tick. The sound aids in the suspension and the readers can hear the noise. Audience is in the story! The connection is there and it's fantastic!

3. Dialogue, a tool for foreshadowing: I see the clues! I see them! Hehe, I feel giddy because I believe I know something. I don't want to share because it might reveal spoilers, so let's dive into dialogue. Spot on, the dialogue is great. It keeps the readers engaged, we learn information even something that the characters don't know. In a way, this gives the audience a chance, the clues are there. We have to piece them together. This is where the dialogue is significant, especially in the second section. We are understanding the two places, the language, word choices, finding the connection, and wondering what'll happen if the connection does occur. The clues within the dialogue immerse the readers. We want to continue. Learn about these fascinating characters. I was going to put a quote from chapter five in here, but for spoiler safety, I didn't. Definitely check out the story!

Recommendation:

One recommendation is the story's pacing during Shannon's point of view. The pace seems quick, a little too fast with everything happening in her life. Shannon seems to adapt well to the move, accepting there's a haunted house in her new hometown, and goes along with the plot, which can one interruption could be as a little coincidental. 

A suggestion would be to slow down, dig more into her thoughts. The quiet moments. The first chapter is terrific in exploring her thoughts that help slow down the fast pace world around her. Maybe exploring more on her passion with river dancing? With her having time on her hands, maybe her passion and motivation wants to cling on to the dancing, so then she practices . . . but then she stops. An internal conflict within herself since she knows logically there is no studio out here; however, she thinks, I've spent time . . . since I was five (or so) dedicating my life to dancing.

This recommendation is based on reading the first five chapters. Her dancing seemed to be back in chapter six, one option is to bring up river dancing again in chapter two and three? Either through Shannon's thoughts or a dream? 

Slowing down the pace can help elongate the mystery and tension as the readers try to figure out, how are these two point of views going to meet up? The second narrative has a slower pace compared to Shannon's, have a similar speed could strengthen the structure more. 

I believe this story is fantastic! I enjoy every minute of it. 

Thank you for sending in your story! I hope this recommendation helps to explore.  

I enjoy your story! 

~ Fallon Elizabeth ~