"The Fourth Piper" - @Tweeter109

Summary: 

The kingdom of Eracelli is failing. The once-beautiful kingdom of artisans and muses is finally falling apart from the outside in from thieves, assassins, and rebels. In order for the land to be redeemed, the Final Song of the Pipes must be played by the legendary Piper - villain or not - to restore what was once glorious. It is the only option left. 

But the Piper is a myth rumored to lure children with his Song, and only the lucky ones return to tell the tale. Causing chaos and turmoil seemed to be what all the past Pipers knew best. Why would this one choose to stoop down to save the kingdom of the children he is notorious for stealing? Of course, though, that's only a folktale, isn't it? After all, he hasn't been seen in over five years, and the remnants of his cult are practically pure legend. 

The Song is silent, the kingdom is falling, and the Piper is missing. This Fourth Piper must be found, and if an orphaned spy and a burdened cultsman happen to do it, then so be it.

Initial Reaction: 

Whoa! The details. The first part/section diving into the world. I'm not a hundred percent sure when the scene takes place, I believe the readers get to see something highly significant! I love this, how the readers soak in this mysterious tone, revealing important information about the story. Then the readers meet a stranger. Hehehe. The third person narrative doesn't even know his name because the stranger doesn't want to reveal it. I think this is fascinating! How we are in this hidden narrative, meeting individuals who are striving to fulfill their purpose; the world building is great too. I can go on and on. I enjoy the narrative's desire to a solution. A hope. Different perspectives and methods to a solution. We'll have to see what'll happen later on in the story. I enjoy the first five chapters!

Strengths:

1. Dialogue:  Man, this element is fantastic! Nice pace and keeps me, as the reader engage. As I read the first five chapters, I take in all the information I could get about characterization, their background, land, relationships, beliefs, and myths. With fantasy genre, readers need to understand this new world. Dialogue is one of the major factors to communicate and show the audience; it's executed so well! Showing allows the audience to interpret and to think about what is happening as they read. In chapter three, The Guard and The Gate, when Shade and Marian speak to each other, " 'I am not familiar with Aljhinian customs.' She paused. 'I will teach you.' " The audience finds out what Marian is accustomed to and also what Shade, the stranger who Marian gives him the name Shade to, does not know. Unless he is lying to Marian, which we know he isn't (at that moment). Dialogue also reveals characterization, Marian is willing to teach Shade about Aljhinian, even though she has no clue who is he. She is guarded; knowing he could betray her. She has hope though, she wants to give him benefit of the doubt.  

2. Ambiguity: This strength is difficult to present. And boy, I believe this story does it well! Especially, in the beginning part. During part one, Faenwin, the first sentence, "The man smiled, twirling the Pipes between his fingers like a simple plaything."  Instantly, I think, who is this man, what is he doing with the pipes, and the word choice, plaything, adds a hunter element. It reminds me of "cat and mouse" idea, where the cat waits for the prey to come out. The reader does find out the man's name and we see a sliver of his plan for the piper. Then in chapter one, we meet a different character, Shade. Two different characters. And definitely two different locations. The ambiguity keeps the reader's attention and makes me feel like I know something important. I want to know what'll happen next. The tone continues throughout the first five chapters, the audience engages and desires to know how, what, and where will the solution to the main characters' problem will be. Really good!  

3. Narrative (third person omniscient): I know I mentioned this strength briefly in the initial reaction, the narrative keeps the story going. The third person omniscient narrative allows the audience to read in the stranger's (Shade) and Marian's thoughts. The ability creates a foundation and clarity within the story's ambiguity tone; something where the audience can grab a hold on and know for certain this is true. In chapter one, A List of Tasks, the audience meets "the stranger clung to his forest green covering, the folds of the cloak trying their best to shield him form cruel and pernicious westerlies that typically come with high altitudes." And yet, the narrative respects the tone and keeps the stranger's name a mystery (this fantastics me!). I'm sure the narrator knows Shade's real name. It's just so cool that the narrative respects the character and tone; still providing confidence to the readers and gain our trust. It's great!  

Recommendation: 

One suggestion would be to dive a little bit more into the history of the War and locations, people are from. 

The map is helpful! I recalled on the gorgeous picture to help pin-point different villagers: Catadorians, Aljhinian, Faenwin, Eracellian, and many more. 

The dialogue as well helps me as a reader understand principles, beliefs, and ideas of individuals who lived in these locations. Sometimes, especially in the beginning of the stories, we need more foundation; the reader can feel confident and resonate with the characters. 

I enjoy the mystery of it! It keeps me coming back. 

What would strengthen the connection between with the characters and readers would be to explain a little more history what lead to Shade and Marian being where they are at (don't want to reveal any spoilers). Can be the locations, the feud, or how over time war has increased, since the narrative is in third person omniscient, it can pull back from any character and speak to the reader to show and inform them of what happened. It can still be mysterious and hold on some information to explain later. 

Overall, this story is wonderful! 

Thank you so much for submitting it. 

I hope this feedback helps to explore! 

~ Fallon Elizabeth ~