TWs: reference to self harm

A.N: hello everyone! it's been a while since i updated. this is just a short chapter, it isn't really wroetofreezy tbh but i thought it was cute anyway. i'm working on a smut for the next chapter, and it's turning out quite well so far (since, let's be honest, the one that i posted the other day and then took down was utter trash lol). so anyone who likes smut, watch out for the next update. see y'all then.

Concept: The boys never understood why Harry would never take off his shirt, or wear anything more revealing than long sleeved tops or long shorts. Until they all go on holiday together, and the truth comes out.

[1470 words approx.]

//

Harry POV

I used to be proud of my scars, when I was younger. I thought they were a sign of my strength, and set me apart from the others. I thought they were a part of me. But now, that part of me has died.

It took a lot of hard work to kill off those dark thoughts I used to have. The way I used to dream of pain, not able to take my mind off the next time I would be able to take up my blade. It was my best friend. Toxic, damaging and unhealthy, but still my best friend. My scars were a reminder of the times I spent, alone with that friend. At that point in my life, I lived for those moments. Nothing more, nothing less.

Nobody can ever understand the places I've been to unless they've been there themselves. People might say that they understand, but they're liars. My journey back from hell has been difficult, but now, I'm closer to the light than ever before.

Which is why I hate my scars. They're horrible memoirs, of the things I've done, the things I've lived though, the things I've felt. I hate seeing them, and being reminded. I hate when other people accidentally brush any areas where I used to self harm regularly. The worst is if anyone else ever sees them. Which is why I always like to keep covered, even if it confuses the people who don't know about them.

At this point, that's most of the people in my life. I've cut out almost all of my friends from back then, and even the few I still talk to don't know any of my new friends. The only people now who I'm close with that know the full extent of my issues are my parents. And I would like to keep it that way.

Unfortunately though, that doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

"Come on Bog! Have a dip lad!" Shouts Ethan, while still treading water next to the edge of the pool. I'm sat at the side, on a chair, scrolling through my phone. And everyone else, apart from Tobi, is in the water.

"Yeah Harry! You're gonna boil if you just sit in the sun all day. Come and cool down for a bit," says Josh. What a dad, worrying about me getting too hot.

"Really guys, I'm good thanks," I respond, trying to sound casual, while panicking slightly inside. They're definitely going to keep persisting, so it's just a matter of when at this point. Which scares me. As much as I never wanted it to happen, I knew they were gonna find out eventually. I just didn't expect it to be while we were having a nice holiday in Egypt.

"You're no fun," teases JJ, splashing water in my direction. I flinch away from the tiny droplets as they come towards me.

"Don't be a dick JJ," says Vikk, giving me a worried glance. "Josh is right Haz. Put on some cooler clothes at least, you must be roasting alive. Who wears a long sleeve shirt in 30 degree heat?" He does have a point. I'm very hot, but I'm so used to feeling like this in the summer that it barely bothers me.

"Me," I say stubbornly, putting my phone down on the table beside me.

"Harry, come on, take off your shirt. I can see you sweating from here, and it's gross," quips Tobi, from his seat on the other side of the table. I sigh quietly.

"Alright. I'll get in the pool. Give me a minute," I huff gently. Collective enthusiastic whoops and cheers come from the pool. A small wave of fear hits me. This is actually happening.

"It's not too cold, don't worry Harold," smiles Freezy, coming up to the edge of the pool, and leaning his forearms on it.

"I thought it being cold was the whole point," I respond. I'm stalling. I need to just get this over with.

"Touché babe, touché," he chuckles, moving back slightly to give me room to get in. I take a deep breath, and take hold of the hem of my shirt. This is gonna be fun.

//

Cal POV

The first thing I notice about Harry when he takes his shirt off, is how pale he is. And then something else catches my eye. A few thin, white scars, across his hips, on both sides. I slowly rake my eyes up his torso, confused when I find more of the same scars, on his stomach and a couple on his chest too. All similar in size and shape. This can't be a coincidence.

He sits down on the edge of the pool next to me, dangling his legs into the water. He glances down at me nervously, but avoids meeting my gaze. I let my eyes scan back down his body, and it's only now that I notice his arms.

His forearms are laced with scars. There's too many to even consider counting. Some are thinner than others, but it's clear that all of the cuts were deep to begin with, as the scars are slightly raised. There's barely a space in between each of them, and they go all the way from his wrists to his shoulders, thinning out as they go further up.

I can sense that everyone else is staring at him too, and he shifts uncomfortably underneath all the prying gazes. He's looking down at his lap, where his hands are fidgeting nervously. I carefully slide out of the pool, and sit beside him, my leg pressing gently against his.

"Harry?" I ask catiously, trying to think of something, anything that I can say to him. The others have all moved slightly closer, still looking at him intently, seeming worried.

"They're all from years ago. I wasn't in a good place," he begins slowly. "I was self harming almost daily, and it got so bad, I was close to suicide. But I've been working hard to drive those thoughts out of my head. I've been clean for a year and a half. I'm happy now. But these scars, they're reminders of who I used to be. What I used to do. And I hate them. I never wanted any of you to see me like this. I'm sorry."

"Harry, don't apologise for this," I say firmly. "I'm not going to tell you that I understand how you felt, because I could never come close. But I get why you don't like being reminded of those things. And it's totally reasonable. I'm sorry if we made you feel uncomfortable, and for making you tell us before you were fully ready."

"I was going to tell you all at some point, I promise," he insists. "I just didn't know when, or how, to bring it up." Carefully, I wrap an arm around his bare shoulders, pulling him into me slightly. He doesn't object, but tenses a little at my touch.

"Harry, we all love you man. Knowing this isn't gonna change that," says JJ, earning raised eyebrows from everyone. He's never usually openly affectionate, even in a jokey way. Harry looks up at him, and smiles weakly.

"Really?" He asks, sounding relieved, and a little bit surprised.

"Yeah bro. You're incredible, you know that?" Grins Ethan.

"I don't know about incredible, but thank you guys," Harry says, still smiling gently.

"C'mere," says Josh, smiling gruffly, and holding his arms out. Harry slides into the pool, and is engulfed in a sea of arms, all hurrying to wrap around him. First Josh, then JJ, then Vikk, then Ethan, then Simon, and finally Lux.

"Look out guys!" Calls Tobi, before jumping into the pool, and joining the huge group hug. I just watch from my spot on the wall, as they all splash around, laughing, and trying to keep their heads above the water while they hug Harry.

Eventually, it becomes too much for them to all keep themselves above the surface, so they disband, each swimming in different directions to create some space. Harry and Tobi both get out of the pool, with Tobi wandering off to get a towel, and Harry coming back to sit beside me. He presses gently against my side, as we both watch the others continue to laugh, swim and splash around in the water.

"Thank you, for staying alive Harry," I murmur, and press a kiss to his shoulder. He smiles at me gently, before looking away.

"I'm sorry if my body is disappointing," he says quietly.

"It's not at all. You're beautiful," I respond, and take hold of his hand. Slowly, I lift it to my mouth, and press a kiss to the back of it. "I love you Harry, just the way you are."

//